Wedding Notes
Since my daughter got married last weekend I want to talk about some of the things I learned. Now I got married in the late '70s. I was still very much in a simplistic, hippie mindset. I could have cared less about most of the hoopla of a traditional wedding. Things have change, in many ways.
1. The first point I want to make is that a wedding should be planned by both the bride and the groom. Back in the day (like back when I got married), is was acceptable behavior for a groom to leave all the planning (except for the rehearsal dinner and groom stuff) to the bride. His job was to show up. Not the same now. Hearing that now would be a red flag warning for me now.
I'm not saying the groom should be as into the details as the bride, but he should at least show some intelligent interest. Give good suggestions, and be willing to help. The groom's help may be what keeps the bride from becoming bridezilla.
2. Once there is an understanding that a wedding is in the future, the couple should talk about the important details. What time of year? How big a wedding? Theme? And the big question, who is paying for it? That last question can put a stop really quickly to outlandish ideas.
3. Weddings are much more detailed these days. Not just a simple photographer, but possibly a videographer. A wedding planner. The list goes on.
4. I am really, really proud of my daughter and son-in-law for how they organized and ran their wedding. I think as soon as they were engaged my daughter started looking at wedding planning books and magazines. It all started to overwhelm her. But she wisely took some time to digest what she read and to decide what she really wanted. Then they started looking at prices. With a rough estimate of the cost the couple went to the brides father. It was her dad's joy to be able to finance his baby girl's wedding. The three of them agreed on a budget. And then the real work began.
My daughter is an excellent planner and organizer. She understands her own strengths and weaknesses. Her fiancee did an amazing job of knowing when to be there, and when to let her plan. They quickly organized their bridal party and set a preliminary date. They prioritized when decisions had to be made and when things had to be bought or organized. Which brings me to my next point.
5. Even a small wedding takes a lot of planning. There are a lot of details to arrange. The amount is staggering. I had a little hippie church wedding and it took me almost a year to organize. Plan well and start early! Give yourself time to make changes as needed.
6. And careful negotiation. Every wedding is a potential social nightmare. Will people behave? Will Uncle Douchebag show up and cause problems? Will the stereotypical wedding nightmares happen? And how will the bride's and groom's families get along? These are all things for the happy couple to talk about well beforehand. If alcohol is a problem for some of the guests, either don't serve it, or limit it to beer and wine. Make plans for trusted bouncers to deal with those issues. Crazy, stalker ex threatening to come? Trusted friends appointed to deal with the potential set up ahead of time.
But the biggest problems will relate around divorce. If the bride and/or the groom has a divorce/blended family situation that needs to be planned for. For my own wedding I had to sit my mother down when she insisted that "the other woman" in her divorce (now married to my dad-yes, he was dumb) not be allowed to attend. I had to explain to her that my father's wife was going to be there, and she was going to be sitting on the front row, at his request. Mom could either play nice or not show up herself. I was serious. Mom was shocked. But she behaved.
Getting bitter ex-spouses to be nice to each other in public may not be easy. But for the sake of their child they should be willing to do so. The next day it may be back to animosity as usual, but the time up to and including the wedding day should be a truce.
7. Random things need to be remembered. Are there people who should attend that have mobility issues? Then be careful about the site. Known food allergies? Since my daughter and my mother both have a severe bell pepper allergy, I knew I wouldn't have to worry about it for this wedding. But there are other problem areas. Peanuts especially are often a problem. Think about not serving them. If foods being served have items that are known to be a problem for people coming - put a label in front of the service tray! Do your best to help. Also remember the senior citizens who are going to attend. What needs to be planned to help them. Any special needs amongst the rest of the group?
8. Treat the people helping with the wedding with kindness and courtesy and pay them appropriately. Of course, if the providers fail, deal with that too. My daughter managed to get friends and co-workers to help out with things. The fact that they were professionals in those things on the side helped a lot.
9. Thank about the timing of the wedding and reception. My only complaint, time wise, on my daughter's wedding was that it took so long for the post ceremony photos. The couple planned well and had snack foods and drinks for the guests, but it still took too long.
10. Things I loved about my daughter's wedding: They had a station where people who were taking photos for themselves could download them for the happy couple. They had a RD2 on the entrance table big enough for people to put cards in (so the cards didn't get lost). The bridal party changing room got warm and the site staff turned on the air conditioning and put in a fan. go them! Good cake. Good food in general.
11. In general, plan well ahead of time. Make plans for known potential problems. Make plans for potential yet unknown problems. The bride and groom need to make it fun for themselves too. It is their day after all.
That's probably enough for tonight. My daughter and son-in-law did an amazing job of planning. There were no major problems. It looked like everyone had fun. It was a good way for them to start their married lives.
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