Family Memories - Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving

   Thanksgiving Day is a unique holiday here in America.  It is non-religious and has historical roots in American history.  It has evolved into a day for giving thanks with family and friends.  And eating a lot of good food!

   My earliest memories are mostly of my dad's family, either at one of their homes or at ours. My mom's family got together for Christmas, so Thanksgiving went to my dad's family.  By the time I reached my teens most of my dad's family was gone, so it was just us and our strays after that.   I didn't have any cousins from that part of my family, so often I was the only child.  I got to sit at the Adult table and to listen to their conversations.  With my mom's family I was one of a herd of cousins, so we were sent to a Children's table

  We believed (and I've passed this on) in taking in strays for the holidays.  Since it's primarily a family event we often invited those who were not able to be with their own families for one reason or another.  This had made for interesting meals over the years.

  

  Lots of anticipation.  Preparation would begin early.  Special food was bought.  Special baking happened.  If it was at our house there was weeks of cleaning to do.  Often I got to use the silver polish and to clean our copper items.  I loved seeing that stuff shine afterwards.

Thanksgiving day started early in our house.  We always bought a large turkey.  And since we traditionally ate around 3 p.m., it meant prep for cooking started early.  Mom and I would watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade while chopping the vegetables for the dressing.  I tried to avoid having to cut the onions.  Until I was older Mom did the heavy work with the bird.  I watched the Macy's Parade today, the last few years it seems a shadow of the glory that it was when I was a kid.

Our typical menu for the day was the following:

Turkey

Dressing

Mashed potatoes

Gravy

Sweet potatoes (or yams)

Cranberries

Rolls

Pickles (dill and sweet)

Olives (black and several kinds of green)

Celery

Carrots

Side salads

etc.

Ahead of time (to stave off the hunger pains brought on by the smells) included:

nuts

chip and dip

cheeses

etc.

And of course, deserts:

cookies

lots of pies (pumpkin, pecan, fruit)

and a family tradition, persimmon pudding

and of course, drinks

      By the time the smells were driving me crazy guests would start to arrive.  The good silver and china was out.  The tables were full of good food.  Someone would say grace.  It would be brief.  None of that having each person say what they were grateful for.  Thank you God!  And start passing the food.  Lots of conversation while eating.  The TV was off during the meal.  Football watching before and after, but not during.  Must show respect for all this amazing food!

   Eventually we finished eating.  More talking.  Once there was a little bit of room it was time for desert.  So full!  Our guests would leave and after the food leftovers were dealt with often my parents and I would go for a walk before cleaning up.  It was nice to go outside and enjoy the evening after so much time indoors that day.  A time for quiet enjoyment.  Then clean up and time to rest.

   A few things stick out.  When I was a kid my Dad had a friend who started out as a reporter for the local newspaper. He and my dad had a lot in common and when the friend moved to the state capital to cover politics they stayed in touch.  I never knew when this friend would show up.  One Thanksgiving he joined us.  Interesting man.  He understood the workings of state and local politics and I learned a lot listening to him talk to my parents.  He was also highly allergic to several things, so he mostly couldn't stay in motels.  When he was in town he would sometimes stay with us, since he and I shared several allergies.

   The first time I cooked the full Thanksgiving Dinner was when I was 13.  My parents owned and ran a small time Printing business.  That Thanksgiving there was a rush job that a client had to have finished on that Friday.  So I was given a choice.  Either I went down to the shop with my Dad and helped with the bindery aspect of the job (I was too young to run the presses), or I could stay home, but I would have to cook our Thanksgiving feast.  It was an easy choice. I was 13 and home had tv, my music, and the phone.  I thought it would be easy.  I think I must have made 15 phone calls to my mom that day, asking for help.  Somehow I managed to get it all done and the turkey was edible.  Mom helped with the final prep once they got home.  I helped every year after that.  It's not hard, just time consuming.

   Another memorable Thanksgiving was the one when I was 19.  My parents had divorced and I had moved out.  I was living with a remarkable collection of people that we called the U.N.  That Thanksgiving I brought two of my roommates with me.  One was an immigrant and the other just had crazy parents, but neither had experienced a typical American Thanksgiving before.  Truly fun.

   And lastly, I should talk about the persimmon pudding.  This is a recipe that comes down from my father's maternal side.  The women in my family have it hand written on one of the pages of a cookbook.  It starts "One cup sugar or less."  It's an English style pudding that's double boiled.  So it ends up like a very, very rich moist cake.  I'm craving it even now.  I've never seen this exact recipe anyplace.  It almost has to be taught.  When my adopted brother Doug married, his wife wrote to us asking about it.  We finally made it with her so she could duplicate it.

   I stated a new tradition a few years ago.  Since I work for a theme park, I've worked on Thanksgiving Day for several years now.  It's just easier to have my own Thanksgiving meal the day before.  And then on The day, I bring in my own leftovers and quietly enjoy them.

Happy Thanksgiving!

HTSTHS - Christmas Cards

Christmas/Holiday Cards

   For a lot of people, Christmas cards are a dying thing.  I still send them.  I still have friends and (mostly) relatives that are not hooked to social media and so have little idea what is going on in my life and that of my family.  But for the rest of you, here are some questions to consider:

   Do I send cards this year or not?

   Do I send holiday emails instead?

   Who do I send to?

   Do I include a family letter?

Let me make this point really, really clear.  It doesn't matter is holiday cards don't arrive until the new year!

  Decided to send cards?   Like everything else, break it down to manageable steps.  Set up date deadlines.  The USPS posts lists of when cards and packages should be mailed by for international, etc.  Use those dates as a guideline.  Then think about how long it will take you to accomplish the following items (be honest)?  That will give you some sort of guideline for dates.

   1.  Update holiday card list

   2.  Create family letter (if sending)

   3.  Print the holiday letter (buy the appropriate paper if needed)

   4.  Find addresses

   5.  If you have them, check last years cards for address updates

   6.  Address envelopes

   7.  Look for missing addresses

   8.  Notes inside cards (as needed), sign

   9.  Insert family letter

  10.  Buy stamps

 11.  Create return address labels (if wanted)

 12. Sort for mailing

 13. Mail

   A few notes:

   I keep a spread sheet for my holiday cards.  It lists sent and received cards.  If I haven't gotten a card from someone for 2-3 years, I'm probably dropping them.  Of course, that's when they send me a card with apologies, explanations, etc.  And I'm putting them back on the list.  But the spread sheet works for me.  Before that technology was easily available I made lists and kept them.

   I tend to keep cards for at least a year.  With their envelopes.  It means I can check addresses and make sure I'm not making any major social faux paus.  I might keep old family letters.  The cards I usually donate when I'm done with them to local schools or churches for craft projects (once I've taken out any identifying stuff).

   Missing addresses are the bane of my card experience.  Thank God for email!  Every year I email my brother in AZ asking him what the addresses for his kids are now.

   After I've finished addressing the cards I do a presort.  I finish International cards first, then Out-of-State, then away-in-state, and finally local.  If I get bogged down with other stuff at least the cards that have to travel the farthest can get out first.

   Let's talk about the family letter:  You don't have to send one every year.  Last year too much sickness and sad stuff, so I didn't.  This year, however, I moved, and my daughter is getting married. Letter time!!!  The point is, you don't have to send one.  A quick note written on the card can say a lot.  Think about what you want to write.  I often do a quick written run down of the year before I start writing. I save that information for my end of the year stuff later.  What do I want to tell family and friends about our year?  Remember your audience.  Only tell them about your news.  Aunt Freda does not want to hear about her operation from you.  Be nice.  Don't brag.  Be honest about the bad news, but don't dwell on it.  Try to end the letter on a happier note. Again, remember your audience.

   Do you want to include photos?  I am glad for modern technology that makes that possible.  Next year's card will probably include a photo of all of us at the wedding.  But you don't have to.  Do you want to use the cards as an excuse for a formal family photo shoot?  Go for it.  You may be glad for those photos later.  But pictures of all of you relaxed while on vacation or at home work well too.

   Don't stress about all this.  The holiday season is supposed to be a time of peace, joy, and family.  Do not let the pressure of trying to get it all done ruin your holiday season.  Take the time to smell the Christmas tree and drink the eggnog!

   I'll close with a quick story.  Years ago we were having a traveling Christmas.  Leave Southern CA, drive to Arizona to visit my mom.  Then on the New Mexico to see my father-in-law.  Then, with him, drive down to Lubbock, TX for Christmas with the sister-in-law and her family.  The day after Christmas, reverse and come home.  As we were packing I was still trying to get the Christmas cards done.  Too much other stuff to do before leaving, I put the unfinished cards in a container.  It's amazing how many holiday cards one can finish while sitting in a car.  I've often wondered if people were surprised to see postmarks from Phoenix and Albuquerque.  I was less stressed and the job still got done.

The War Years and My Mother's Family

     Ruth and Vincent were not good dairy farmers  The Great Depression didn't help.  Neither did having 7 children.  Finally, in 1937 they gave up and moved back to Staten Island, NY.  Grandpa Vincent went to work at the shipyards.  They were just a few blocks from their new home.  Grandma Ruth cleaned houses and did odd jobs, including some nursing.  Each of the 7 kids took a seperate path.  Let's look at them.

Alice:  In 1937 Alice was 22 years old.  She had graduated college and was working as a teacher in Upstate New York.  She had effectively removed herself from the family.  She was also about to fall in love.

Ralph:  He was 20 year old.  Ralph had gradualted from high school when he was 16.  In fact, the same year as Alice.  He became a professional musician at that point.  He had been living and working In New York City, so having a family base in Staten Island was useful.


Side story:  At one point there was a musician's union strike in New York.  Ralph took a job working the Staten Island Ferry.  Mom remember bringing him meals.  Ralph and his fellow musicians needed to practice and the Staten Island house had a great front yard.  The practice sessions often turned into neighborhood concerts.

Everett:  Everett was 18 when the family moved.  He had been working CCC (Civilian Conservation Camps) to help the family out.  He might have joined the merchant marine.

Del:  Del was age 16.  Like Everett, Del also worked for the CCC.  He also started working at the ship yards with his father.  One of the family stories is that before the family moved Del was the passenger on a motorcycle with a friend.  There was an accident.  The driver was killed and Del sustained brain damage.

Marion:  Marion changed high schools with the move (age 15), but at Port Richmond High School she met Frank N., who was to be the love of her life.

Louise was 11 and Joan 9.

Side story:  In Sept. of 1938 a major hurricane (Cat. 3) aimed towards New York City.  It ended up hitting Long Island, where it did major damage.  While the family was preparing (Joan and Ruth were preparing), Louise and Del were arguing about where their most prized possessions should go to be safe from the storm.  Eventually Ruth intervened and Louise put her violin and Del his gun underneath the family piano.  There was only one part of the house that suffered any damage - the room that held the piano.  The prized possessions were safe, and the rest of the family teased the two about their argument for years.

December 7, 1941

Vincent was sick.  His type 2 diabetes was making him susceptible to pneumonia and such.  More and more he was unable to work.  Ruth noted that his last day of working was August  of 1944.  Ruth began taking jobs as a nurse in private homes (often cancer cases).  She eventually worked her way up to hospital work.  She would be considered an LVN now.

Alice:  Alice was engaged at the start of the War.  Her love joined the service as a pilot.  His transport ship was sunk in the Atlantic.  Needing to change her life, she joined Ralph when he moved to CA, probably in 1942 or 43.  She worked at a factory for the War effort.  While there she met Murray.  Murray was hard working, went to the same church, and blessedly 4f.  Their first child was born in January of 1945.

Ralph:  Ralph was 24 when the War started.  In 1939 he married Elizabeth W (we all called her Bette).  Feeling the need to settle down, Ralph and Bette decided to move to Southern California, where Ralph could get work as a musician (he did a lot of studio work) and go to school.  Their daughter Pam was born in November of 1945.

Everett was 22 when the War started.  He had been drafted into the army in March of that year and was, in fact, on leave when Pearl Harbor happened.  Everett and Ruth had gone to upstate New York to visit relatives then the news came in.  Everett had to immediately leave to report back to the army.  In 1943 he rode the trains across the U.S. so he could go to the Pacific front of the War.  He left the U.S. out of the Bay Area.  He informed the rest of the family that once the War was over he was going to move to CA.

Del was 20.  He received further brain injury (including his eyes) from an accident at the ship yards.  He was also involved in an auto accident in 1942 that killed the other driver.  All of that brain trauma left Del permaneltly about 16-17 years old.  4F for the military.

Marion left high school early to begin working.  Frank N. joined the service.  They were engaged in 1942 and married in 1943 while he was on leave.  Marion moved in with Frank's family on Staten Island for the rest of the War.

Louise was 15 years old at the start of the War and still had dreams of becoming a concert violinist.  She was also active in several social groups.

Joan was 13, and was already babysitting, doing what she could to help the family finances.  She also did quite a bit of the nursing of her father.


The War Years

   As the War progressed, it was more and more apparent that Vincent was not doing well medically.  After his forced retirement his doctors began telling him he needed to move to a climate that did not have the harsh winters.

Alice:  Alice quit working at the War plant to start having children.Mary Margaret was born in 1945, Patrick a year later.  Colleen came in 1947.  They were to end up with 6 children.

Ralph:  Music and school.  Luckily Ralph was one of those individuals who didn't need much sleep.  He and Bette had a volatile relationship.

Everett was a landing craft pilot in the South Pacific part of the War from 1943 on.  He reached the rant of Sargent several times, only to lose it.  He clearly had his father's Irish temper.

Del eventually decided to join Ralph and Alice out in California.  Although he was a favorite of his mom's, the two of them argued over his money.  In July of 1945 he drove his car out to California.  Also in the car were several boxes of family valuables that Ruth had talked him into taking out.  She knew that they would also be coming out to California.

Side story:  When Del reached Southern California he dumped the family boxes into Ralph's garage.  Years later, after Del married, Ralph and Bette asked him to get his stuff out of their garage.  They were tired of hauling it around every time they moved.  Neither Ralph nor Bette had ever looked inside the boxes.  Ruth had assumed they had gotten lost.  After both Ruth and Vincent had died apparently Del's wife had found the boxes and the family treasures were distributed to some degree.

Marion:  Living with her in-laws and sending money to her mom when she could.

Louise got her first job and graduated from high school in June of 1945.  She got to attend one year of college in Rochester, New York.

Joan continued baby sitting and took on a job selling newspapers.  Since she was female they wouldn't let her have a route, but they did let her sell.  When she was old enough, Joan took a job at the local 5 and Dime.

Post War

Due to Vincent's health issues, the decision was made to leave Staten Island.  August 6-10, 1946  saw a sick Vincent, Ruth, Louise, and Joan on a cross country buss trip.  Ralph and Bette had found them a small house nearby.

Before that (November 1945), Everett came home from the War.  Despite his plans to move to California, Everett ended up marrying the youngest sister of his best friend, Sal.  Josephine A became his bride in 1947.  The California part of the family did not go back for the ceremony. Jo refused to move to California, so Everett stated in Staten Island until her death.

Louise got her first California job in Sept. 1946.  Joan ran into issues with graduating high school in California, so she left school and graduated via night school.  That was not what Ruth wanted and the two had their first big fight.  It was solved by Joan moving in with Alice.  Joan began working in Downtown Los Angeles and helped Alice with the kids and the housework.
 
In 1948 Louise married Paul S who moved her up to Bakersfield where he had a high school teaching job waiting.  Joan met a man named Jack H while riding on the bus.  They married in September of 1949.

Del had several years of problems with anger management and alcohol abuse.  In 1949 he moved up to Bakersfield near Louise.  He vanished for quite a while, but eventually came back and sobered up.  He married a wonderful woman named Carla M in 1958.


And that's what happened with my mom's family during the War years.

How to Survive the Holiday Season, Chapted 2 Budgeting

Chapter 2  Budgeting

   Money problems can screw up a holiday season almost faster than anything else.  It's hard to be Santa when there's no money in the wallet.  Like so many things, planning ahead can help with this.

   I want to state right now, that I am a big fan of "To Do" lists.  I usually start my holiday lists around September, October at the latest.  Partly it's for scheduling purposes.  And partly it's to help me set the budget.  Everyone's holiday budget is going to be different.  Here's a rough draft of what mine looks like most years:

Items                                                       Guestimate

Presents                                                    See attached list*

Christmas Cards

Stamps

Decorations

Baking Supplies

Wrapping Supplies

Shipping

Tree

Extra Food

Stocking Presents

Special Event costs                          Se List

Travel costs (if necessary)

   I'm sure I'm missing stuff, but let's look at each item.  Some of them I'll discuss in more length in chapters to come. 

 Presents - Who is on the list and how much do I want to spend of them?  Plan on one or two extra, just in case.

Christmas Cards - I still sent them.  See the chapter.

Stamps - See Christmas Cards

Decorations - This doesn't include the tree that I love to have.  But it does include candles, or any new items that I need or really, really want.

Baking Supplies - I love to bake.  I like giving baked goods as presents. I have to add in the extra costs for this.

Wrapping supplies - Contrary to my dreams, holiday wrapping paper doesn't last forever.  I do need to buy new sometimes.  And boxes.  And don't forget tape!

Shipping - I usually ship 2-3 presents to various relatives around the country each year.  Plan for it.

Tree - I love a live tree.  So I budget for it.  If enough ornaments are broken I can justify buying new ones.  Or I'll find some excuse.

Extra food - Even if you do not have company coming over, you will need extra holiday food.  Going to visit Aunt Martha?  Better bring a box of Christmas cookies. Stopping by to visit George from work?  Better bring that bottle of alcohol.  For budgeting purposes, figure out what you think you will need, then add a bit more.

Stocking Presents - Most years we have Christmas stockings.  It's one of our Christmas traditions.  Plan on a budget and on who is buying and wrapping said presents.

Special Events Costs - This category covers a lot of thing.  Just look at the scheduling list.  For what events will there be expenses?  Christmas Cookie Exchange?  Baked goods, plus party food.  Church event?  Possibly food, maybe a donation for the poor.  Kids school party?  Probably a present plus food.  Going to the local craft fair?  Plan to have money, just in case.  Think about each event and guess how much you might need/want to spend.  Don't forget Christmas dinners with the family and friends.  And New Years Eve.  Or Kwanza.  Or Hanukkah parties?  etc.

Travel Costs - If you're going out of town for the holidays, this one needs to be organized early.  For a few years I had a mom one state over, a father-in-law two states over, and a sister-in-law (and family) that lived 3 states over.  Road trip time!

   Once you've done the math and crunched some numbers, relax.  If you plan ahead you can find ways to spend less.  Also if you start early you can start saving early.  At least you know what to expect in January once the credit card bills show up!

A few people group notes:

Singles:  Especially if you're living at home, expenses are less.  if you're younger (or especially broke) you can ask to sign your name on a family gift and toss in a few dollars.

With a S/O, no kids:   More expenses, since more events to attend and now a whole bunch more people to buy for.  Hopefully you can work out how to give presents jointly.  You get to work on a budget together!

With a S/O, young kids:  Not only do you have to work together with a partner to get all this organized, but you also have to plan for small presents for the kids to give specific family members, like grandparents.  Don't forget to get new photos of the kids to put in the Christmas card!

With older kids:  Hopefully teens are willing to help out with the holiday stuff.  Include them in the holiday planning.  Especially some of the budget talks.  If they're invested in the decision making they're more likely to help.

Divorced:  You probably have less people to buy for now.  And maybe less events to budget for.  But putting together a budget is still a really good idea.

Seniors:  Many seniors are on a fixed budget.  Making and keeping a holiday budget is really important.  Health issues may start limiting what they can do.  If seniors are unable to do so themselves, family members should help them out with holiday stuff.

And there is my take on holiday budgeting.  Let me know what you think.

Tales From My Family - Players and Scorecards

Tales From My Family

Players and Scorecards

      This blog, on Thursdays is going to be stories from my family.  Too many good stories over the years for them not to be preserved.  But first, a bit of geneology.  So when I talk about my Uncle Murray, you can go back to this page and figure out that he's the husband of my mom's oldest sister.

So, starting with me...

Sandy

daughter of

Jack H and Joan C

Joan C was the youngest daughter of

Vincent C

and

Ruth T.

Vincent and Ruth had a total of 7 children

Alice (born in 1915

Ralph (born in 1917)

Everett (born in 1919)

 Adelbert "Del" (born in 1921)

Marion (born in 1923)

Louise (born in 1926)

Joan (born in 1928)

 

The first 5 were born in the family home on Staten Island, NY

Louise and Joan were born on the family farm in Upstate NY

 

Alice married Murray U and had 6 children

Ralph married Bette and had one daughter

Everett married Josephine and had a son and a daughter

Del married Carla and had a son

Marion married Frank N and had 1 son and 2 daughters

Louise married Paul S and had a son and a daughter

Joan married Jack H and had me

 

Jack H was the only child of Harry H., Jr. and Lucille R

 

Lucille R was the only child of Rando Lee "Jack" 
and Lildon

Harry H, Jr. was the only child of Harry H, Sr., but he did have half siblings

   And now for the story that comes down from my father's side.

   The first member of my family to live in California arrived here approximately 1850 or 51.  We'll call him Johann.  According to the story, he was the younger son of a family of minor nobility in the borderlands of what is now Germany and  Holland.  He was reckless and didn't care about others.  So he became what what know as a "remittance man."  His family paid him to stay away from home.  His wanderings led him to England.  Unfortunately while there he was found to be in possession of a horse that didn't belong to him.  Horse stealing was still a serious crime.  He was found guilty and was put on a boat to what is now known as Australia.

   Back then, if you were a convict in Australia you had 3 choices.  You could just serve your sentence and be released.  You could work a set time longer and be granted a small piece of land.  Or, you could work a set time longer and gain passage to some place other than England or Australia.  Johan chose # 3 and became a "Ticket of Leave" man.  About the time he was due to be released the news of the California gold rush had reached Australia.  So it was off to San Francisco he went.

   I doubt that Johan ever made it to the gold fields.  He was, I suspect, very happy in the Barbary Coast section of San Francisco with the other "Sydney Ducks"- other former convicts.  The ducks were notorious for their crime sprees.

   The citizens of San Francisco eventually became tired of the lawlessness and a Committee of Vigilance was formed.  This committee had the unofficial support of the overworked police and military of San Francisco.  One night, committee members visited members of the Sydney Ducks and other groups that were on their list.  Johan was on that list.  Despite his other flaws, he was intelligent.  Johan headed south for friendlier places the next day.  He survived, while many of his other friends were hung.  Johan lived to become the patriarch of a large and sometimes not hones family.  Ironically enough, his descendants born after the turn of the century became very law abiding.  At least two Los Angeles Police Officers in the bunch.

And a starting story from my mother's side:

   You will note that my mom and her older sister were not born on Staten Island.  There's a story there.  When Ruth T (an upper middle-class socialite and suffragette) met Vincent C, he was just a brick layer, a mason.  But Vincent had been raised upper middle-class.  His Irish immigrant parents had money and were, in fact, slumlords as well as plant nursery owners.  How Ruth and Vincent met, I have no idea.  They were certainly in love.  After marriage they moved into her family home where he worked and she started having babies.  Unfortunately,  in 1920 Ruth's father died.  Then in 1923, her mother died.  With both parents gone, the estate was sold and the money divided between the 3 daughters and the one son.  All of the sisters decided to move to Upstate New York, near Binghamton.  I suspect that one of Ruth's sisters was married to a man who had landed a job up there.  The two sisters bought homes near Binghamton, NY.  The husband went to work for a well known shoe company.  Ruth and Vincent decided they were going to be "gentlemen farmers" despite the fact that neither one of them knew much about it.  They used their part of the inheritance to purchase a dairy farm about 3 miles from Greene, NY.  I've been there, it's beautiful country.

   Ruth was pregnant during the move with Louise.  Very pregnant.  Their oldest child Alice was only 11. That was 1926.  My mom was born two years later.  There were probably two or three pregnancies after that, but Ruth was in her 40's by then and the pregnancies after Joan ended in miscarriages.  

   Somehow the family managed to hang on to the farm and keep the family going.  Both Alice, the oldest, and Ralph managed to graduate high school.  Alice got some money from the family to go to college, but mostly she got through by scholarships and working.  Ralph was a professional musician from the time he was 15.  Ruth figured that he could pay for his own college when he was ready a lot easier than Alice.  She was right.

   Ruth and Vincent were not dairy farmers, though they did try.  The kids all pitched in too.  But the Great Depression on 1929 spelled the end of their days as farmers.  Vincent became a life long Republican after he was forced to dump his milk due to recovery policies.  Eventually they were at the end of their money and their strength.    In 1936 they moved back to Staten Island where Vincent could get work as a brick layer.  Not to the old nice neighborhood.  But to the poor part of the Island, down by the shipyards.  

   I am, to this day impressed with how Ruth and Vincent managed to raise 6 kids in those circumstances to be solid middle class citizens.  Of the 7, Ralph became a medical doctor.  Alice and Louise became school teachers.  Everett and Marion were caught up in the war years and never did go to college.  Still, they had respectable careers.  Del had a major head injury when he was 17 and re-injured his head a few years later.  The trauma left brain damage and he was never able to finish school.  He had a good career as a school janitor.  My mom, also caught up in the war years didn't go to college either, though she certainly could have.  Instead she was a bookkeeper for many years, amongst other things. 

More about the adventures of my mom's family next week.  What was the accident that damaged my Uncle Del?  What did the family do in the war years?  Was Ralph successful as a musician and how did he become a doctor?  Stay tuned.

How to Survive the Holiday Season - Chapter 1 Planning

Chapter 1  Planning

   The holiday season is supposed to be one of the happiest times of the year.  Yet why are so many people stressed during it?  Or to be specific, why was I finding myself so stressed out that I couldn't enjoy my favorite time of year?  The simple fact is that during that short span from Thanksgiving thru New Years we have more going on and are trying to do more than any other time of year.

   A long time ago a wise person taught me to break big tasks down into smaller, more manageable ones.  Applying this to the holiday stressors was a really good idea for me.  Let's break some of this down.

   I find using a Master Calendar to be really useful.  Some things I know by experience when to plug them in.  When to mail Christmas cards (and breaking that down further, goals for buying, addressing, and preparing said cards) and when to buy my Christmas tree are good examples.  I'll talk more about those two items in their own sections.  Various events can get filled in the Master Calendar as the dates become available.

   What events?  Let's look at the possibilities:

         Work:  Does your company (or that of your Significant Other) have an event during the holidays?  If so,  That's most likely a Must Attend event.  Do your parents own a business and expect you to attend their holiday parts (and probably help?).  Again.  Put the date in the MC (Master Calendar).

        School:  If you are still attending school it's likely that you will have finals and/or major projects due at some point during the holidays.  Put that stuff in the MC.  Great excuse, BTW, to skip events you'd rather avoid.

   If you have kids, there's probably a school program or two.  Make sure you write down any rehearsal dates as well.  Useful also is noting down when the kids are out of school and what their first day back is.

       Church/Synagogue/Mosque/Coven, etc.:  If you are active spiritually, there's most likely some activities during the season.  Turns out that most of the world's religions do something around the winter solstice.  Watch also for programs that include the kids.  Rehearsal dates again.

       Social Groups:  Belong to Kiwanis?  Lions Club?  Scouting (you or your kids)?  A D&D type gaming group?  Historical re-enactor?  Take part in local theater?  A local sports team?  Are you part of a LARP?  The list is almost endless.  We do a lot of things.  And don't forget the group of friends you've been doing stuff with for a long time.  If an event is organized, put it on the MC.

      Family:  This is the group that can cause the most stress for us.  A lot of the above groups include events that we attend because we want to.  But this is family.  TRADITION is a big thing.  If you just imagined Tevye from "Fiddler on the Roof" you've got the right idea.  Luckily traditions change, eventually.  Here's an example from my family:  My mom was the youngest of 7 siblings.  All the family (except two of the siblings) moved out to CA.  So every year on the weekend closest to Christmas there was a big family celebration.  Every sibling out here took turns hosting the event.  So that meant some years we had a 5 hour drive.  But it was a lot of fun and no one complained.  Much.  That ended when my Grandfather died.  The siblings still visited each other, but at other times of the year.  The Tradition morphed into Christmas Eve at my mom's (after my parent's divorce).  It was written in stone for many years that I had to spend Christmas Eve at Mom's, unless I was traveling out-of-state  or  I was in the hospital.  And I'd still better call.  That changed when mom moved to another state.  She became part of another tradition, the Out-of-State Christmas visits.

   Ok, we have established that there are potentially a lot of holiday events out there.  Prioritize!  If there are 3 events the same night, decide which one you want to go to.  Here's another important word - Negotiation.  In a perfect world all these holiday events would schedule themselves so that they wouldn't conflict.  Not going to happen.  Holiday planning takes careful negotiation.  Start early.  Labor Day may be too late for family stuff.

   Here's some examples:  You know from prior years that both of your families like to do the Christmas Eve thing.  You've learned the hard way that trying to do both is exhausting and makes Christmas Day much harder for you.  Thanksgiving is the same way.  Why not alternate?  Thanksgiving at one, Christmas Eve at the other? Switch for the next year.   I know someone who once had 4 Thanksgiving dinners on the same day.  Don't think he's going to do that again.

   A conflict might arise when one child has an event they are dying to attend, but it's the same time as a Must Attend event.  Can one parent go with said child to the kids event and the rest to the other?  BTW, the child now owes the parents.  

   It seems that most families have one person who is an organizer.  If you're lucky, that person is competent.  I know of one family organizer who is super efficient, but he always organizes so that the events are perfect for him but not particularly the rest of the family.  The rest of the family has to keep an eye on him.

Time to summarize before going on the specific people groups.  Holiday stress will happen.  The key is to organize ahead a time.  Keep a Master Calendar.  Keep it updated.  As you become aware of events, put them in the MC.  Prioritize.  Negotiate as needed.

Specific People Groups

Singles:  Probably the easiest of the people groups to schedule.  You only have to deal with your own family and the social groups you want to deal with and work.

With a Significant Other or Spouse, no kids:  Welcome to the world of dealing with family expectations.  Now you have to deal with twice the holidays plans.  Whose house do you go to on Christmas Eve?  Christmas Day?  What if parental/family units live in different states?  How can we survive this without going crazy?  MC, prioritize, and negotiate.    Ask, "What events are the most important for us to attend?"  When I was first married I got lucky.  My family wanted Christmas Eve and his wanted us for Christmas morning.  Problem solved.  For then.  Be flexible!

Divorce:  Divorce complicates everything.  Lots of negotiations with people who may not be entirely rational.  If it's mom and dad who are divorcing, the kids should be able to spend time with both parents (certain exceptions apply, of course).  If you are a divorced person with young children reading this-lay off the guilt trips and the games for the holiday season!  Do it right for the kids sake!

   I was lucky.  I was 18 when divorced happened to my parents instead of being a kid.  Instant double Christmas stuff.  Not fun.  We worked it out, but I don't ever want to have to go through anything like that again!  For couples just starting out divorce is a logistical nightmare.  By the time I was married two of our 4 parents had remarried, making our holiday planning a 4 part series of negotiations.  Try to talk things out.  The odds are that there will be some hurt feelings somewhere (especially with recent divorces), but do your best.

With small children:  Congratulations, you've survived the family holiday circus up to now, but babies and small children complicate things a lot.  Traveling from one place to another is not so easy now.  Babies require a lot of stuff.  Will there be room for the packages?  Does the child(ren) travel well?  Are they teething? Depending on the child and how they are feeling, traveling around to see all the family and friends may not be possible, or sane.  If you are traveling, having a kid means you can leave early if the kid gets cranky.  Or you are cranky.

   The key point to remember is that you have the attraction.  Babies are a trump card for many families.  You might consider hosting a family event yourself.  Your family in Christmas morning, the other half in for Christmas dinner.  It does give you a bit more control over who comes over and when.  And kids are often more at ease at home.  Note:  hire a cleaning service beforehand if you do this.  Trust me. 

   I'll talk more about kids and the holidays another day, but the short version is that you will need to adjust the family plans to meet the needs of your children.  A sick child should never be hauled to a holiday event. Never.

With older children:  Once children reach their teens their friends are very, very, very important to them (did I put in enough verys?).  Sometimes seemingly more important than family.  It may be hard to force a teen to visit Aunt Martha, even though he's gone every year since birth.  He'd much rather be with friends.  Since most holiday events happen during non school times, some compromises should work.  Offer a suitable bribe, I mean positive reinforcement for a visit to Aunt Martha.  A negative reinforcement, like extra chores can work too.

Seniors:  This is an odd time of life.  Gradually holiday events will be shifted away from your house (and control).  Go with the flow.  It means you don't have to do all that extra holiday cleaning.  Seniors may or may not still have a place of power in the family dynamic.  Wise children will include their aging parents in the planning stages as much as the parents are able.  If needed, the now adult children should provide transportation.  Remember all the rides they gave you!

   If you are the senior, be gracious.  Let your children take over aspects of the holiday season, just as your parents let you when it was time.  If you can, volunteer to teach younger family members how to make specific family recipes.  If you can, write down what holiday celebrations were like when you were younger.  Seniors have a lot of wisdom to pass on.  Do it while you can.

I do apologize for the length of this.  The other chapters will be shorter.  Let me know what you think.

Momma Sandy Says...Prelude

   Tomorrow starts the initial publication of "Momma Sandy Says", my self help blogs, but I thought I'd take today to explain my first set of articles, "How to Survive the Holiday Season."  HTSTHS is my attempt to pass on the wisdom I've learned over the years on surviving the high stress levels that can come with coping with that time of year from Veteran's Day through New Years.  So much is going on, so much to do!  And then Aunt Sally calls to remind you that you are expected to attend a family thing...  Argh! 
   I hope my suggestions are helpful.  HTSYHS  is sorted by general topics.  I'll write about the topic in general, then I'll add stuff for various people groups (unmarried singles, w/significant other (no kids),  with young kids, with older kids, seniors, etc.).
   My first topic is scheduling.  I will add humor as much as possible.

   Enjoy!

Starting something new.

   At Long Last, I have a blog.  A place to air what I write.  The format of this is still in process, but my goal is to start off posting two days a week.  On Thursdays I want to tell the stories from my family.  If I don't write down, or record in some way these tales, they will vanish.  So each Thursday I will talk about such characters as my Uncle Murray, my Uncle Ralph, and the other improbable members of my family.   I plan to include some photos so you, my readers, will know what these people looked like.
   On Mondays I want to write what I'm calling, "Momma Sandy Says."  This will be a collection of wisdom I've learned.  I'm going to start with sections from a book I started writing years ago called, "How to Survive the Holiday Season."  Somewhat timely. 
   Upon occasion I'll rant about things.  I may talk about all sorts of things.  We'll see how this grows.

The first person who figures out the reference on the title of this gets a cookie.  It may even be a Grandma cookie.