Jim and Jeannie

Family Stories

Jim and Jeannie

Warning:  This is one of the saddest stories I tell.

   I first met Jim and Jeannie when I was in high school.  I had a best friend (since meddle school year) named Monique.  Monique was one of those  individuals that amazing things happened around.  I will write down more of the stories about Monique and the others.  My tentative title for those is "Freque Factory."  But this story fit in here, since Jeannie was my roommate for a whlie.

   Jeanie was a year older than me, Jim a few years older than her.  They met via Monique.  They both came from very screwed up families.  Hers was rigid and demanding.  His was abusive.  Jim was the victim in his family unit.  His younger sister was perfect.  Jim could never do anything right.  So he kept doing wrong.  Once he hit 18 his father tossed him out and Jim lived where ever he could.  He had a variety of jobs, but mostly he made his money selling drugs.  Sometimes he'd have to leave town for a while, like the time he sold PCP cut with I-have-no-idea.  That particular batch was nasty.

   Jim was one of the few people banned from Monique's house by her mom.  And there were some nasty people who tried to hang out there.  Yet, Jim was likeable. In a hurt puppy sort of way.  You knew there was a good guy in there, trying to get out.

   When life would get especially bad Jim would consume a lot of drugs and alcohol in the parking lot of the hospital where his mother worked.  He counted of someone finding him and hauling him in.  I saw it as a cry for help.  

   Jeannie was one of the wildest hippies I knew.  There wasn't much she wouldn't do.  But then, her brother was reported to be a drug dealer as well.  She was very free, as the saying went.  At first Jeannie wouldn't date Jim.  But he started cleaning up his act and they found out that they had a lot in common.  As much as Jeanie was capable, it was a love match.  Her parents were appalled.

   The turning point in their relationship was when they hit a rough spot and Jim tried the whole suicide things again.  While he was downing the drugs he called her.  I was with her at the time and she was truly angry with him.  That shit was not the way to solve their problems!  If he didn't get himself cleaned up right away, they were done!  Jim knew she was serious, so he stopped taking the drugs and walked himself into the ER to get his stomach pumped.

   They got engaged and began making plans for a life together.  He joined the army (to this day I have no idea what the recruiter thought in enlisting him). Her parents hit the roof and kicked her out.  Hattie and I had just moved into our temporary apartment while she and Bob were getting ready to get married.  Jim begged me to let Jeannie stay with Hattie and I for a few months.  Jeanie and Jim had a quick wedding and Jim went off to basic training.  I was in the wedding party and it was an odd wedding.  Jim's family was delighted that "he was finally making something of himself."  I stayed away from his family so I didn't say or do anything that would get me arrested.  Jeanne's family was barely there.  I didn't like most of them either.

   So Jeannie moved in with us.  She and Hattie did not get along.  It was not an easy time for any of us.  But eventually, Jim finished basic and off they went to his first posting-in Texas.  Now Texas, at that time, had some of the strongest anti-drug laws in the country.  If you were caught with marijuana you were going to prison, for a long time.  Jim was staying on the straight and narrow, but not Jeannie.  Texas was very difficult for both of them.

   I lost track of them for a while with my own life and travels.  I knew they had survived Texas and were doing ok elsewhere.  The Vietnam War was pretty much over, so no worries there.  Then I found out that the US Army, in it's wisdom decided to change Jim's job with them.  They made him a pharmacy assistant.  Granted, it was a job that he could be good at, but I also was pretty sure he was not strong enough to resist temptation.

   And then he got his next posting.  The army was sending him back to Texas.  That was it for Jeannie.  The marriage had enough problems.  Texas was too much.  As much as she loved Jim, she was not going back there.  She returned to Southern California.  And very soon after she was back to partying and going out with other guys.

   All of this sent Jim into a tailspin.  He started stealing and selling drugs from the base.  He was, of course, caught.  Instead of jail he got a dishonorable discharge.  I suspect they had mercy on him due to the marriage problems.

   So Jim came back to Southern California.  His family (his father really) once again wanted nothing to do with him.  Jeannie told him they were done and that she was getting a divorce.  I think she was living with a flamenco dancer at the time.  So Jim took his gun, found someplace where no one would stop him and blew his own brains out.  

I'm still sad about all this.  Jim was never strong enough.  His own personal demons overwhelmed him at the end, even though he had made so much progress.   I was angry with Jeannie for many years.  I don't know what happened to her.  And rare for me, I don't care.

Holidays, Holy days, and Children

Momma Sandy Says

Holidays, Holy Days, and Children

The fact that today is Memorial Day here in America has a great deal to do with today's blog.  I want to look at how we observe various holidays and what that is teaching our children.  First I want to look at the types of holidays that are celebrated here in the U.S.  Sorry to my Canadian readers, but I think you're smart enough to examine your own (which are largely similar).

   The first holiday in the calendar year (not counting New Years, which I consider to be part of the Christmas grouping) is Martin Luther King Day in January.  It is a Federal holiday to honor a person.

   In February two holidays to honor people (Birthdays of Abraham Lincoln and George Washington) were combined into a Federal holiday called President's Day.  We also celebrate Valentine's Day, which is not a Federal holiday.  It is a secular holiday that honors Love and relationships.

   March is often light of holidays.  Ash Wednesday, a Christian holy day often falls in here someplace.  It is often ignored, except by the religious.  The big holiday is St. Patrick's Day.  Like many other holidays, the original intent has morphed.  It is now a festival to honor Irish-ness, with lots of alcohol consumption.  The message of St. Patrick is largely ignored.

   April often includes Easter and the Jewish celebration of Passover.  Easter, except for the religious, has become more of a celebration of the coming of spring-bunny rabbits, Easter eggs and all.  Although it is not a Federal holiday, many stores do close for Easter Sunday.

  May is the start of the patriotic holidays and is a Federal holiday.  Like others, Memorial Day was shifted some years ago from it's traditional date to become a Monday holiday.  It was originally a day to remember those who have died serving our country (in war).  It shifted to honoring all those who have died who were veterans of the armed forces.  We also honor our Mothers on Mother's Day.  And don't forget Cinco de Mayo, the Hispanic counterpart of St. Patrick's Day.

   June has Flag day, which is not a Federal holiday and is often forgotten now.  June really is about graduations and the ending of the school year (unless your school ends in May).  Father's Day (to honor dads) is about half way through.

  July has the biggest of the patriotic holidays, Independence Day ( the 4th of July).  How we tend to celebrate it now is much milder and much more individual than how it was celebrated in our past.  Look it up.

   August has no real holidays.  There are some religious holy days, but not much else.  I think it's a lovely month for me to have a birthday in.

    September starts with Labor Day.  This is a Federal holiday.  It's seems like no one really knows what it's about.  Workers?  School has either, or is about ready to start.  Again, some important religious holy days.

   October goes from religious holy days early in the month, to Columbus (an individual honored with a day off in many places), to Halloween.  Halloween has changed, in my lifetime from a children's event to a major party related date.

   November has the last of the Patriotic holidays, Veteran's Day.  Since that date is tied to an historical event, it was not changed to a Monday holiday.  Soon after is Thanksgiving, which is a secular holiday, and a Federal holiday as well.  Thanksgiving is usually about family - and food.

   December has several religious holy days, but only one of which is also a Federal holiday, Christmas.  Although Christmas is supposedly a religious holiday, it has morphed into also being a time for being with family and friends, to celebrate traditions, and to give gifts.  Although Christmas Day is the only day off work, the events associated with the holiday last for most of the month. 

   New Years Eve and Day are only a week after Christmas, so some stuff slides into that  New Years Eve day is not a holiday.  January 1st is a Federal holiday.

   So, as I see it, we have days throughout the year to  honor individuals and things, to be patriotic about our country, days usually spent with family, and religious holy days.  As parents, what do we want to teach our children about these holidays?  How are we doing it?

   It all ties into what values we want our children to have.   Do we want our children to grow up to be as free from prejudice as possible?  Then honor MLK Day in January.  Teach your kids to value other cultures.  Think about using the day to explore a culture other than your own with your kids.

  Want your kids to appreciate the history of this country and the sacrifice of others?  Then Memorial Day needs to not be national bar-b-cue day.  Consider also taking the time to take your kids to talk to a veteran (age appropriate).  Take in a Memorial Day event.  Fourth of July can be less individual.  See if there's a military base in your area that has an open house that day.  The one nearest me also shoots off a great fireworks display.  Consider taking your kids to a local military cemetery on Veteran's Day and have them choose a soldier's grave to put flowers on.  There are so many ways we can teach our children to value veterans.  We just have to do it.  It starts with us, as parents, respecting the sacrifice of others.

   I wish parents would teach their children to look beyond the media pressure at our holidays.  Talk to your kids about who St. Patrick was and what he meant to Ireland.  Talk to your kids about what it means to be Irish-the good and the bad.  Teach your kids that Cinco de Mayo is about more than Hispanic culture (though that's important too).  Let them know about the battles that many of the Latin American countries had to become independent and who the heroes were.

   Do what you can to make Halloween a kid safe holiday again.

Teach your kids about love.  Help them to know that romance and love don't just happen on one day, but that love shows it every day.

   In my house, Thanksgiving is not just about family.  It's also about taking in the strays, so that they have family.  Christmas should not be crazy busy, caught up in consumerism.  If you're Christian, take the time to teach your kids the real meaning.  Easter too.  Even little kids can take part in Lent, in small ways.

Are you following my drift?  Take time to look at the holidays of the calendar year with your spouse (or whatever) and decide what you want your kids to learn from them. Not only do it, but model your beliefs in front of your kids.  Add your own family practices.  Growing up, listening to (or watching) the Indianapolis 500 was a part of Memorial Day weekend.  It was separate from the actual day, of course.

   Above all. teach your children to respect the traditions of others.

  

Family Stories - The UN, Part 2

Family Stories

The UN, Part 2

     So very much happened while I was living with the UN that I started a timeline.  And started adding and adding things.  Then I realized that we were only together about a year.  Amazing!  And that year was pivotal in my development as an adult.  So, to look at at chronologically.

  I first moved in with Hattie in our little one bedroom place in January of 1972.  By March we had moved in with Roya and Henry.  Betty joined us a few weeks later.  It was in mid March that I made a trip up north that changed my life - I chose to become a Christian.  But that's another story.

   I did have one relationship that I should talk about.  Through a mutual friend I met a guy named Mike.  This guy had more charisma than anyone I had ever met.  And he used if for seduction.  Before I had time to think twice we were in bed.  The following day, while I was in the bath tub, of all places, I heard that still, small voice(some might call it intuition) telling me to get away from Mike. I kindly told Mike to go away.  And somehow his spell over me was broken.  He tried again, off and on for the next few years, but not happening.  Shortly after I left him, I found out that Mike was dating two sisters I knew from my high school.  There was so much anger and bitterness about Mike dating both of them that it tore the family apart.  I am so glad I managed to get away from that selfish gifted man who did not care what havoc he caused.  He might have even enjoyed it.  Shudder.

   School and work took over our lives mostly.  I remember one night the rest of them went clubbing in LA and had a legendary time at a notorious club.  But mostly we were focused on school.  Betty, now that she was away from her toxic family was the worst.  The word obsessive came to mind on more than one occasion.  

   But finally late May came and finals.  After may all nighters (courtesy of chemical means in Betty's case), we all finished up.  After months of frantic work Betty plopped down on the sofa and announced how relieved she was.  Not five minutes later she informed us that she was bored.  A barrage of pillows and such came flying her way.  I laughed a lot there.

   A lot of changes were happening.  Hattie had started dating her uncle's best friend.  Her uncle was one of the few relatives locally that she liked.  Her new boyfriend was a few years older than her and a Vietnam vet, like so many of the people my friends dated.  Bob was a good guy.  Hattie started spending weekends with him.  She hadn't told her local family, so they started calling our place, looking for her.  I am not good at lying to family about the whereabouts of roommates-especially about 2 hours before I want to be awake.  After a few weeks of that I informed Hattie that she needed to talk to her relatives.  Or else I would be honest the next time they called.  Hattie called and told her parents that she was dating Bob.  Since the family out here knew him, the early morning calls magically stopped.

   Roya and Henry had gotten engaged.  He had told his family about her finally, and they insisted.  She told her mom (and dad) and they insisted Roya bring him home for a visit.  So for the month of June Roya and Henry went to Iran.  It opened my eyes a bit more to how big the world really is.  Take mail.  Letters in Iran were not addressed like we do it here (and a lot of other places).  Instead, the address is actually directions to the house (in Farsi, of course).  Fascinating.

   Betty had gotten herself another job and had found herself a one bedroom place on the second floor of a small building.  I stayed in touch with her.  We're Christmas card friends, mostly.

   My own mom and dad had slowly worked their way through their divorce.  Mom had gotten over her breakdown and was now working at what became an amazing job for her.  I didn't see them very often and only talked to them on the phone upon occasion.  I was enjoying my freedom and didn't see any reason to return to the rigid rules of my prior life.

   I also got my first marriage proposal.  A friend of Roya's uncle (of course) was looking for a bride in order to get U.S. citizenship.  I made myself listen to his proposal, mostly so I could find out what the price of a bride was these days.  If I had been a mercenary, it would have been a sweet deal.  All of my expenses paid for, schooling paid for, a lock on my bedroom door, etc.  But I would have had to live with this guy for at least 5 years.  No deal!

  Once school got out I got myself a job at a local factory.  Whamo toy company was located in my home town and a lot of us worked there at one time or another.  My best friend from high school had already gotten married and moved to Minnesota.  So many of us from that group had scattered.  One of the group, Jim was working at Whamo and we reconnected.  He was still in love with Jeanie and that relationship was having issues.  I'll talk about Jim and Jeannie next week.

   The first part of the summer was busy.  Working, going out, stuff with friends, etc.  I actually had an active dating life for the first time.  It was sort of amazing.  It was like I had reinvented myself when I moved out and I liked who I was.

   About the middle of July Whamo did their usual layoffs.  The big orders were filled and they didn't need all of us anymore.  In a way I was glad, because the plant was mostly not air conditioned and I was not looking forward to the hot, hot days of August.  Besides, factory line work is hard!  I have no idea how many frisbees I helped package.  My mind boggles at the thought.

   My mom stepped in then and told me she wanted me to go visit my adopted brother Doug out in Huntsville, Alabama.  It seems the two of them had arranged a month long visit for me.  I had enough money to pay my bills here, so I went.  I wondered why mom was pushing so hard for me to go.

   My first trip to Huntsville was boring.  I lived with my brother in his 2 bedroom officer's attached house on the base.  I shared a bed with my niece, Vanessa.  My sister-in-law had a young baby, so I helped out with babysitting and house work.  And was bored a lot.  I had no car and didn't know anyone my own age.

   Eventually I did get into town and met people my own age.  This was the, please, please, please leave me at the mall for a few hours!  The first people I met were Robert and Mike.  Robert was handsome and charming and liked me.  Silly me, I fell in love.  It took me a long time to figure out that it really was me being in love with love, but at the time I thought it was the real thing.  And of course, I was scheduled to return home in a few days.

   Things were changing at home too.  Roya and Henry had passed inspection in Iran.  However, both families were now looking for a wedding.  And they wanted the two of them not sharing an apartment with two other women.  So while I was in Huntsville we moved to a small house back in my home town.   

   We all started back to school.  Both Roya and Henry were getting ready to transfer schools in a year.  Hattie and Bob were very serious.  Even though I was "in love" with Robert (and he kept promising to come out to CA to see me), I was also dating a guy I remet at my new job.

   Once again, I choose poorly,  My new guy, Bob, was a heroin addict.  I didn't know that when I first met him.  He was a Vietnam vet and had picked up the habit there.  He had already gotten himself into a cycle where he would use heaving, get in trouble (often jail) and have to detox. Once he was clean he would stay that way for several months.  Eventually he would start using again, just a little bit.  And it would go downhill from there.

   Dating him was an eyeopening nightmare.  At heart, Bob was a good guy.  He really liked me, but his love was a drug.  I learned that he would do anything he had to in order to have her.  I was lucky and was able to leave him before he got me using as well, but I could see the writing on the wall.  Learned a lot.

   Roya and Henry got married in our front room.  It was a very small wedding.  Hattie and Bob got engaged.  Since Betty was Jewish, she was, of course, dating a series of black men.  I told her that I expected her to marry some nice Jewish guy some day.  Eventually she married a remarkable Cuban Jew who had escaped from communist Cuba.

   Family pressure finally broke up the UN.  Roya and Henry got a small bedroom place.  Hattie and I got a small 2 bedroom place.  It was a short term arrangement.  She and Bob were getting ready to get married and she would move in with him then.  At that point I was planning to first visit my friend who had moved to Minnesota and then go to Huntsville to be with Robert.

Momma Sandy Says - Gender Roles and Trendy Parenting

Momma Sandy Says

Gender Roles and Trendy Parenting

  As you may have figured out, I'm a big believer in practicality and moderation.  I am not fond of "out there" theories of child raising.  However, some folks are firm believers, so I try to be patient and learn from them.

   A while ago I spent some time with a woman who is what I would call a "trendy parent."  Her children never had commercially made baby food.  They took part in play groups of like minded parents.  The children had alternative medicine health care professionals, as well as regular doctors.  I think they were attending a private school as well.  This woman was a True Believer.  She was convinced that she was raising her children the way she should.  I did not have the heart to tell her that her kids were still going to eat junk food, play unapproved video games, and have their own lives as soon as they could.

   I believe in practical parenting.  If you feel strongly about a child raising topic, then raise your kid the way you are convinced.  But please, please, please, don't force your beliefs on the rest of us!  Be prepared for your child to reject your beliefs.  Sometimes you get lucky and they stay in the fold, but you have to be prepared for the alternatives.

   Yeah, I sometimes have to remind myself to be patient with trendy parents.

   A friend reminded me recently about gender inequality that starts from the cradle.  And she's right.  The good news is that it's getting better.  The bad news is that equality still has a way to go.  Now I'm not some radical, liberal feminist.  But I do believe that women should not be paid less, or be refused jobs because a man "needed the job."  That still happens, by the way.

   Here's some examples of the positive from my families.  My grandmother was a suffragette.  She lived to be able to vote.  That was a huge thing.  In her lifetime women went from being property to being citizens with some rights.  My ex-husband's great grandmother lost her children when her husband died.  She was with her parents at the time.  When she came back everything was sold and her children were in an orphanage.  All perfectly legal at the time.

   My mother-in-law was the first female insurance agent of her area. It took her forever to buy her own home.  Almost every time the bank saw the blank space where it said "Husband" she was denied a loan.  Much later she opened up her own business and has been a successful business owner and solid member of her community.  It was not easy for her.

   Today there is supposed equality in the work force, but the glass ceiling is still in place in many jobs and industries.  All of it is slowly getting better.  How can we, as parents help?

   The big thing we can do is to teach our children well.  Start with toys.  Is it ok in your household for your daughter to want to build things?  Or is it ok for your son to want to cook and clean and play with dolls?  Do not assume your child is going to become a homosexual because of their childhood play preferences!!  That daughter could become an architect or a construction worker.  Or even a set builder or designer.  That son could become a famous chef.  Or an efficiency expert.  Or even a writer.  Give your children the freedom to explore, away from your generation's gender roles.

  Your children will tell you what they want to play with.  And as they get older, their peers will influence their toy choices.  Be flexible.  But remember, you are the parents and need to keep them away from choices that are against your family values.  For example, a family that abhors violence will not tolerate weapons, especially guns.  A family of historical reenactors will have weapons (including black powder depending on the era being recreated).  Those families will teach their children to leave the real weapons alone and will teach the children how to safely "fight" with practice weapons.  I love watching the children of Viking reenactors I know.  Their kids fight each other with wooden practice swords safely and have a lot of fun doing it.

   What your kids believe about gender stereotypes (as well as stereotypes of all kinds) starts with you.  Do you believe that boys should play sports and girls play with dolls?  You may need to rethink that.  My son, as a kid, was far to cerebral to play organized sports.  He'd be out in left field inventing a time machine.  He lasted one season, barely.  My daughter, on the other hand, loved baseball and played 6 years.  She got stuck with softball, since girls didn't play baseball in our town, but she still had a great time.  Set your own stereotypes aside, as best you can.

   When my son was a teenager, he had a bunch of friends over (usual) and the girls of the group convinced him to let them paint his toe nails.  A teen aged boy will let pretty girls talk him into almost anything.  He ended up with 10 different colors.  I laughed.  My ex hit the roof when he found out.  To him, that was too close to homosexuality.  Off came the polish.  My son was wise enough to understand why his dad reacted as he did, but it did make us sad.  You have to take the time to understand the circumstances and not let your own stereotypes color your judgement.

I will say that it is possible for parents to take the gender non-stereotyping too far (in my opinion).  Periodically I read about parents who try to raise their child genderless.  The explanation given is usually that they want their child to choose what their gender is, not society.  Excuse me?  Unless your child is born with both body parts, they have a specific gender to start with.  The problem is not what gender your child is, it's what roles they want to play and how gender stereotyping affects that.

    Now a 95 pound girl cannot realistically plan to be an NFL linebacker.  Nor can a 250 pound 6 foot white guy realistically become a petite Japanese girl (I actually have met one of those).  Reality does come into play here.  But generally, both women and men should be able to work at the jobs they choose.  And we should not force our children into gender roles we are comfortable with.

   There is one exception.  If parents have strong convictions about roles of males and females in their society, they they should teach those.  And again, be prepared for their children to reject those roles.

I never said it was easy to be a parent.

Ok, I'm getting off my soap box now.

Family Stories - Don

Family Stories

Don

   Strictly speaking, this isn't a family story, but it did take place during my UN years.  And it is about me.

   To be honest, I was not much for dating in my high school years.  I tried to date a guy my freshman year, but my parents (particularly my dad) were not ready for me to date yet and made it very difficult.  So I didn't really try all that hard.  And my self esteem issues were pretty mammoth.  One of the amazing things about high school reunions is finding out how many guys would have dated me if I had given any indication I was interested.  I had friends who were guys, but that was it.  In retrospect, I had good taste in guys even then.  My male friends were top notch.

   When I started and then moved out, it was a chance for me to step away from my parents (and school, etc.) restrictions.  I stopped wearing dresses.  Jeans and a comfortable shirt became my attire of choice - and still is.  I was free to let loose my inner "hippie."  And since I was more liberated looking, I started thinking about dating again.

   Looking back at the time line, I realize now how much of my friendship/romance with Don was more than chance.  I knew Don from high school.  He was a year ahead of me.  We both worked for the high school newspaper.  He was smart, funny, and not afraid to take risks for causes he believed in.  We were friends.  After graduation he went up to UC Santa Cruz.

   I was talking to Betty at our UN apartment one day and for some reason I was telling her about Don.  Probably a conversation about who would I like to date.  My response was probably, "Someone like Don."  She encouraged me to contact him.  In a moment of bravery I looked up the phone number of what I thought was his family home.  He probably wasn't there, but I could leave a message.  To my surprise, he was home on spring break.

   The next night Don came over to the UN.  He was pleasantly surprised to find me living in such an unorthodox environment.  I was living the life he could only live when he was at school.  So we started dating.  We both understood that it was not a real dating relationship.  Don's real life was at school.  I was his safety valve, his escape from his rigid family.   I understood where he was coming from and was ok with it.  Don was my first real, adult relationship.  But we were friends first.  It was a friends with benefits relationship, with an emphasis on the friends part.

   While he was finishing his semester we wrote back and forth, making some plans for the summer.  Nothing mushy.  We saw a lot of each other until August when my mom paid for me to visit my brother in Alabama for a month.  That's another story.  While we had some sexual adventures, that wasn't always available for us.  I didn't drive yet, so he'd have to pick me up.  

   Lots of talking - about everything from politics to our individual plans for the future.  Don was excited because he had qualified for a special program.  He was an English major.  I think his family planned for him to become a teacher.  They certainly didn't plan for him to go after any advanced degrees.  But Don had been offered a special writing program that would extend his college experience by at least a year.  Don was such a good writer that I knew he would go for the writing program.  His concern was how his parents would take the news.  Would they cut him off financially?  If so, how was he going to finance college and himself?

   I remember he took me to the Hollywood Bowl one night.  We saw Poco and the Jefferson Airplane, both bands we liked.  Poco was rising in popularity and the crowd didn't want them to have such a short set.  When the Airplane finally started playing it was clear that Grace Slick was angry.  In retrospect probably high/drunk as well.  The Airplane did not put on a particularly good show.  I was glad to have seen them, but the memory of Grace's anger is what remains.

   In late July I flew to Huntsville, Alabama to visit my brother.  Don and I wrote.  He finally found the courage to tell his parents about the writing honor.  The grudgingly agreed to finance the extra year.  He was spending a lot of time working at the job his parents had arranged.  Someone in the family worked for the railroads, so Don worked, when he was home at the local rail yard.  It was some manual labor, but mostly guard and paperwork.  He didn't like it at all, but the money was good.

  Towards the end of the trip to Alabama I met someone and fell in love.  Mostly I fell in love with love.  He was handsome and charming and thought  I was exotic and beautiful.  I believed his lies. Silly me.  But then, he believed his own stories.  I honestly thought my Alabama man would come to Los Angeles to see me.

   I did come back to Southern California. I had promised my roommates.  Betty had moved out by then.  While I was gone things had changed with Henry's family and he and Roya were now officially engaged.  They had gone for a few weeks to visit her family in Iran as well.  Neither family felt our living situation was appropriate, so the 4 of us moved to a small house in my home town while I was gone.  I had my own small (really, really small) bedroom, so I was happy.  My brother was not happy I was leaving.  He wanted to use my presence to force the Marine Corps to let them move off base.  Sorry!

   Don and I had some time together before he left to go back to school, but things were different between us.  I was "in love" with someone else.  His mom had found one of my letters and now I was on the forbidden list.  I still don't know why.  So we left on very uncertain terms.  I was not kind to Don.

   Sometime before Christmas (probably about the time Roya and Henry got married) Don sent me a letter telling me that he had been dating someone from school and it had gotten serious.  It was our farewell letter.  I wished him well and never heard from him again.

   Over the years I've thought of Don.  He really was the best first real boyfriend I could have had.  In many ways he set the standard for me.  My first "love" didn't work out, of course and he was also my first heartbreak.  I regret that things ended so poorly between Don and I.  I did look for Don after my divorce.  I always wondered what his life was like.  I hoped it was happy.  And I wanted to apologize.  Not to be.  I found out recently via my high school facebook page that he died several years ago.  RIP my friend.  I hope your adult life was as good as the promise of it should be.  I hope you were happy.  I will continue to miss you.

Momma Sandy Says - Computers, Gaming, Etc.

Momma Sandy Says

Computer, Gaming, Etc.

   I decided to break this down by category.  There are two major things to remember about this topic.  1.  Your goal is to raise good citizens, people you are proud to have been a part of.  2.  As a parent, you have a say in how all this goes.  You are in charge, not them.

Computers - Limit access.  Your children will see you (and most everyone) on the computer.  Possibly a lot.  They will want to do this too.  There are some good programs out there at almost every age and developmental level, but I need to speak some words of caution.  Do you really want your children to become addicted to computers at an early age?  Yes, they need to learn the skills, but they also need to spend time outside with others.  There needs to be balance.  Besides, do you really want them developing carpal tunnel too early?

   Limit access to the programs your children access.  Keep them from unlimited access to the internet until they are ready for it.  Developmental games are good, mostly.  

   Here's a thought.  Don't put a computer in your child's room until they are mature enough for it.  We kept the family computer in our front room for many years.  If our kids wanted to use it, they could, but they also knew that what was on the screen we could see too.

   Use parental controls, but us them wisely.  I am not a fan of spyware on your own kids, especially the keystroke versions.  That really shows a lack of trust to your kids.  There may be circumstances (drug use, etc.) that might warrant it, but I would have to think on that one.

   Think about figuring a way to keep your family computer off after you go to bed.  My own kids got by us on that one.

   And please, please, please, use your brains about letting your children use the newest form of social media.  If they are minors, tell them that you will be monitoring their posts/tweets, etc.  And do it. You may be shocked by what they post, but it's better to know.  Deal with those problems calmly and sensibly.

Telephones - I do believe that it is important for a child over the age of 10 to have a cell phone.  Younger than that they should be with someone older.  Who should have a phone.  I think that younger children should have contact phone numbers on them.  I'm not fond of the thing about writing the phone number on a kids arm.  I'll save my rant about teaching kids not to go to authority figures when lost for another time.

   One of the reasons why I like kids, especially young teen to have cell phones is that it takes away many the excuses when they are missing curfew.  And it's a way to escape from potentially dangerous situations.  "Hello mom?  Can you come get me?"  Always glad to.

   However, I do not believe that kids, including teens need the latest I phone, or whatever is the newest technology in communication.  If it's still possible to get them, I think a very simple cell phone is perfect.  I'm ok with the phone having email access, sat nav, weather, etc.  Maybe ok with a camera.  I'm not ok with internet, especially social media for kids. And not ok with games.  Use parental i phones for that, as needed.   It's not necessary, and they probably get in trouble with it.

    When your children are mature enough for an i phone (or whatever) make sure your kids understand some guidelines.  Let them know that you will be checking the photos on their phones.  Privacy be damned.  Until they are 18 you are responsible for the results of their actions.  Use parental controls.  And keep up with what their technology can do!

Game systems - Consider keeping the game systems in the family room.  This may interfere with your ability to watch tv, or whatever, but wait, you're the parent.  You should be setting limits on gaming anyway.  Due to the addictive nature of the games (and you know that as well), if the game consoles are in their bedrooms they will be up all hours of the night, playing.  Remember to disable the gaming systems after you go to bed as well.

   Watch content of the games.  The game boxes will tell you if there is a lot of violence, etc.  Remember my rules regarding cartoons?  They can be used here too.  If your child is not mature enough, he or she should not be playing it.  No matter if every other kid at school is already at level 57.

RPGs (Role Playing Games), LARPs (Live Action Role Playing), board and card games - There's good news and bad news.  The good news is that board and card games are back.  They're a great way to teach skills and encourage social interaction.

   However, the new board and card games can have content issues.  Watch for desensitization of violence.  This seems to be a problem in games across the board.  A card game like "Magic" requires the purchase of lots and lots of cards.  And can have potential spiritual issues (see next section).  Play these new games first. A lot of game and hobby shops will have times where customers can try games out first. Play these games with your kids.

   I am the first to admit that RPGs and LARPs are fun.  However, I don't think they are appropriate for very young children without a lot of oversight.  They are problematic.

   RPGs of any sort are addictive.  Anyone who has stayed up very late playing one, either on computer or table top knows this.  Do we want to introduce our kids to this before they are mature enough to handle it?  That's why we limit their game system hours.

   Depending on the game system and who is running the game, it is likely there will be violence and destruction.   Do we really want our kids growing up thinking that the way to solve problems is to kill the bad guy and take his stuff (loot)?  Until our kids are mature enough to understand the concept of fantasy vs. reality, then maybe they should wait.

   Besides the violence, my other objection is the major introduction to non traditional religions, often portrayed in a positive way.  If you are training your child in your spiritual beliefs this could be problematic.  Especially when what is traditionally considered evil is being portrayed as good.  Even if you are training your child to be atheist, this stuff is problematic until your children firmly understand fantasy vs. reality.

   My overall advice is to hold off on RPGs until your kids are in their late teens.  If you are involved in the gaming then you can oversee, but be  prepared to explain a lot.

   Like so much else in raising children, COMMUNICATE!!!  Play the games with them.  Talk about problem area.  Set boundaries that all of you can live with.  Do your job to make sure your kids stay safe and hopefully, aren't stupid.

   And have fun with them!

Family Stories - Places I Have Lived, Part 3

Family Stories

Places I have Lived, Part 3

   I ended last week with me living in the UN with Hattie, Roya, and Henry.  We were all community college students, all working.  Life was good.  So, of course, things had to change...

   One day I came home and Hattie and Roya were seriously talking with a mutual friend of theirs.  This mutual friend had come over to ask if we could take in another young woman, who very desperately needed to get out of her family home.

   Betty really did need the help, so we grudgingly agreed.  In helping Betty move I did briefly meet her family.  Just wow!  She was the older of two children.  Her brother was frankly a twisted bully.  Not safe for anyone to be around.  Her parents were gambling addicts.  Her childhood was so twisted by her parent's addiction that she had holes in her memories-who sections of time she could not remember.  What she could, was mostly race tracks, poker parlors, and trips to Las Vegas.  And to make things more interesting, Betty's family was Jewish.  Roya was Persian/Russian.  Roya agreed to behave as long as Betty played down her ethnicity.  If any Zionist stuff came up, Betty was probably out of there.

   Mostly it worked out.  I think of all of us, I had the best relationship with Betty.  In fact, we're still in touch via Christmas cards.  But it was a rocky road.  Betty had to sleep on the convertible sofa in the front room, which made late night entertaining tricky for the rest of us.  Her personal habits, not the best either.  

   My classic Betty story:  Betty was a heavy sleeper, so she would set her alarm (aka the world's loudest alarm clock) to go off about an hour before she was due to get up.  Her habit from home was to hit the snooze many times and eventually get up.  Now that alarm clock woke the other 4 of us (and probably several apartments on either side of us) up every time.  Usually after the second time I could hear Roya and Henry mumbling and Hattie was trying to shove her pillow over her ears.  I knew I would be gentler than Roya, so I would get up and wake Betty up.  I would explain to her that if that alarm went off again it was going out the door (and over the balcony the the first floor below) and she would follow soon after.  I am not a morning person.  Betty would insist that the next time it went off she would get up.  Somehow she always did.

   My troubles were not over.  Betty would get up and the first thing she would do would be to turn on the tea kettle for her coffee-on the highest setting, and then go into the bathroom (which Hattie and I shared with her).  Now the stove shared a wall with my bedroom.  And of course, the tea kettle would start screaming with Betty still in the bathroom.  Hattie would be still pretending to sleep.  So I'd stumble out the kitchen and turn off the kettle.  After pounding on the bathroom door and yelling at Betty I'd go back to bed.  Just about the time I'd be drifting back to sleep, you guessed it, my own alarm would go off.

   As I'd reach the bathroom, Betty would come cheerfully out (cheerful being an early morning sin in my book).  In the bathroom I would discover a thick layer of make-up and stuff in the sink.  One of my least favorite morning sights.  Betty would always clean it up before she left for the day, but still.  Grumpily, I would finally make it to the kitchen area.  Betty would be just leaving.  And, of course, her spot would have large coffee spills.  It's a wonder I didn't kill her.  After about 2 weeks or so Betty finally realized that not only her living space, but her very existence was threatened, began to improve.  She and Roya never did become close friends, but we could all co-exist.  Since Betty couldn't cook either, we now had two nights a week of take out, unless someone else (sometimes me) would have mercy and help.

   Betty only lasted with us a few months.  Eventually she found a place of her own  One night, when she was entertaining a gentleman (she had discovered sex) the infamous clock decided to die.  In the middle of festivities, it went off and wouldn't stop.  Betty's gentleman friend threw it out the window where the clock shattered into many, man pieces on the parking lot pavement.  I only wish I could have been a fly on the wall.

  We did deal with some real mental issues in the UN.  One afternoon we were sitting at a local park, pretending to study when Betty asked what the little dell we were sitting in was called.  She didn't know what a mountain, a valley, or anything like that was called.  Holes.  I don't want the think about the trauma that caused those holes.  The good thing was that once Betty realized she had a gap in common knowledge she worked hard to fix it.  Hattie scared us as well.  I stated last week that Hattie needed to have a boyfriend.  After Roya's uncle dumped her she was mostly ok, but sometimes she would get into this frantic mental state - because she didn't have a boyfriend.  No idea why.

There are more UN stories, but I'll close with the story of my one 70's protest rally. While I have strong political beliefs, I'm not usually an activist.  The Vietnam War was a good example.  While I hated the war and what it was doing to our country, I had a brother who was a career Marine who served several tours of duty over there (including 2 purple hearts).  For his sake, I would not be public about my opinions.  Especially if he was overseas.

    But this one night...  I think finals had just ended for me and that mutual friend came over inviting all of us to an Anti Vietnam War rally in Hollywood.  Jane Fonda was speaking.  Betty decided to go and I was in a "what the hell" mood, so I went.  It was beyond surreal.  before we could enter the building we were searched.  In my case that meant being patted down by a lesbian.  My mental response was, "Sorry, not interested.  Now would you please get your hands off me."  The evening could only get better.

   I will admit I was not entirely sober that night.  Probably a good thing.  I remember a lot of anti US blah blah, which I did not appreciate.  A lot of illogical stuff.  A history lesson about North and South Vietnam (mostly correct).  But the absolute topper was when Jane Fonda spoke.  It turned out that it was Ho Chi Min's birthday, a holiday in the North.  So she had us all stand up to sing "happy birthday" to him.  I hope she knew that he was already dead.

   That was my only anti-war rally.  Done.

Momma Sandy Says - Cartoons, Books, TV, Movies, Music, and Gaming, Oh my!

Momma Sandy Says

Cartoons, Books, TV, Movies, Music, and Gaming.  Oh My!

   There is so much media out there!  How does a parent limit their child's exposure to the bad stuff when there is so much?  I worked out a few things for my own kids.  Of course remember, when they were little the latest thing in telephones was a cordless phone.  And the original Game Boy was the newest thing!  I've spent some time thinking about how I would do it now and here it is.

Cartoons:  The first real training in choices came with cartoons.  Back then, the new Saturday morning cartoons premiered in September.  I would force myself up and I would watch the new shows with my kids.  After each show was over we'd talk about them.  We'd hit the following topics:

1  Did they enjoy the show?  Was there anything about it that bothered them?

2.  Was the level of violence acceptable? (I have a low tolerance for useless violence)

3.  Was the use of drugs or alcohol glorified?

4.  Were women treated properly?  How about other people groups?  Any bullying?

5.  Was evil portrayed as being ok or even good?  Was being a Christian downgraded?

6.  Was the language offensive?

Put in language my kids could understand, these were my red flags.  A show free of red flags was ones my kids could watch.  The red flagged shows we discussed.  Unless it was really bad, I did not forbid my kids to watch the RF shows.  I discouraged them.  But I left the choice up to them.  And usually they would choose against the RF shows.  It was a system that worked.

Books:  Once my kids were old enough to read on their own I started a system similar to what we used for cartoons.  I've read a lot of children's and YA books to keep track of trends.  For my kids not a lot of problems with books.  The issue for us was that my kids could read at levels beyond their school years and sometimes encountered stuff that was a bit adult for them.

   There is a trend in current YA and even children's literature dealing with can be called the occult.  The idea is that magic is real and kids like them can use it - for good or evil.  I don't have a real problem with the Harry Potter series.  The lines are pretty clearly drawn between good and evil and there are no religious undertones.  But there are popular series' out there that promote other religious pantheons.  If that's your belief system, hooray, you have books favorable to your beliefs.  But for someone in a Judeo-Christian belief system they're problematic.  My recommendation would be to discourage books that are anti your belief system.

   Let's take a moment for some reality here.  Despite all your best efforts, your children are going to be exposed to stuff you don't want them to.  It's just a fact.  Your job is to equip them on how to respond to the not so good stuff. 

TV:  Similar principle as to cartoons.  If you can, watch the debuts of the new shows with your kids.  Do your research about the new shows.  Are there going to be any red flags?  Talk to your kids about the shows afterwards.  What did they think?  Also, remember even the tv news can input bad stuff into your kids.

Movies:  There are movie rating systems for a reason.  Little kids should not be going to movies with an excessive amount of violence.  Do we really want to desensitize our children to violence?  Are they able to tell the difference between reality and fantasy?  We have to teach them, and sometimes we have to protect them.

   Personally I think exposing children to sexually explicit material before they're ready is a bad idea. It will probably happen anyway.  How many of us saw Playboy before we understood what it was about?  We have to be ready to explain.  And to teach our children that dehumanizing anyone is bad.

   The same general red flag system here.  Do your research so you know what to ask when your children want to go to certain movies.  It's ok to say no.

Music:  I do not believe there is inherently evil music.  But I also believe that music can be used in many ways.  So I altered my basic red flags.

1.  What do the lyrics say?  Are there any of the red flags we look for in other genres?  Glorification of drugs and alcohol? Degradation of women (rap can be especially bad with this) and prejudice in general?  Promotion of violence?  Occult themes?  How's the language?  What are the lyrics encouraging?  These are big red flags.  I can live with the language (though not happily), but the other stuff-not!

 2.  How do the musicians promote themselves?  Waving guns around on cd covers?  Sponsored by alcohol companies?  All red flags.

3.  This is an age of u tube and music videos.  How do the musicians perform these songs?  If there's a big "Hail Satan" on stage, not interested at all, etc.

4.  This one takes a bit of research.  What are the musicians like off stage?  Are they decent people?  Are they rude and selfish?  Drug addicts?  I am happy to report that my son, as an adult met some of the members of one of the bands he liked.  Turns out they were selfish and rude.  He's no longer a fan.

Gaming whether computer, live action role play, or D&D type is such a huge topic I think I'll post pone it for next week.

   The big point I want to make with this blog is that you, as a parent are responsible to overseeing what media stuff your kids put into themselves.  Involve them in the process of deciding what is good and not and it will be easier.  If you forbid something, the kid will do it.  If you help them to decide not to, the odds lessen.

   Good luck!

Family Stories - Places I've Lived, Part 3

Family Stories

Places I've Lived, Part 3

   We've now reach the start of my adulthood.  When I graduated high school I was living in the upstairs apartment on San Marcos.  I turned 18 that summer.  It was the year that adulthood was changed from being 21 to being 18.  So I got to register to vote, sign contracts, etc.  Cool stuff.

   That September I started community college.  And my parent's marriage imploded.  The night after my first day of college classes I came home after hanging out with friends to discover my dad sleeping on the sofa.  He moved out the next day.  My mom went into what I'd describe as a nervous breakdown.  She held it together at work, but once home she'd fall apart.  If I was there she'd talk at me, telling me everything I didn't want to know about their marriage and the bad things my dad did.  Nothing I did stopped her.  I'd tell her I was going to take a bath and she'd talk at me through the door.  She needed to vent, but I couldn't handle it.  So I asked my dad if I could live with him.

   So, about October of that year, I moved in with my dad into his nice one bedroom place.  Despite the fact that I slept on the sofa, I liked it there.  It was peaceful and my dad was trying hard to put his life back together.  With one flaw.  The other woman.  If Gayle wanted to spend the night, I had to go elsewhere, her demand.  So randomly, I had to go back to my mom's house some nights.  And had to lie to mom about why I was there.  Clearly I needed to find a better alternative.

   The better alternative showed up at college.  Someone I met needed a roommate.  She seemed nice enough, and the price was right.  She had a trundle bed, so I didn't need to bring much furniture.  I should explain my first adult roommate.  Hattie was American Born Chinese.  Her parents were immigrants and lived in Minnesota.  That's right, Chinese from Minnesota.  Probably because of that, Hattie was very assimilated into the dominant white culture.  She had wanted to get away from home to go to college, so her parents allowed her to come to southern CA.  I think their idea was that Hattie would live with relatives locally while going to community college.  Hattie lived with them briefly, but moved out as soon as she could.  Her first roommate, a bit of irony I found out later, was the daughter of a close family friend.

   Mostly Hattie and I got along really well.  Neither of us had a car, so we rode the bus a lot.  And we had friends.  Hattie's real flaw was that, for some reason, she had to have a boyfriend.  The one she had when I first moved in was the uncle of a friend.  She didn't see him that often, since for him I suspect she was just a booty call.  Hattie and I shared a one bedroom apartment with the bathroom off the bedroom.  This was not a problem until the boyfriend decided to spend the night.  Luckily there was a gas station down the street.  What wasn't cool was that the boyfriend had only intended to stop by for a quick one and brought his buddy.  Said buddy thought I should be willing to share my little bed with him-and not just for sleep!  He was determined and I was stubborn.  I left for school way early.  Didn't get much sleep and Hattie got an earfull from me once they were gone.  Luckily for me they broke up soon after.

   A few months after I moved in Hattie approached me with an offer.  She wanted us to move closer to school into a 2 bedroom with another couple.  It meant we'd share a bedroom and have use of the main bathroom.  The couple was Roya (sister of former boyfriend) and Henry, Roya's boyfriend, future husband, and future ex-husband (but that's another story).  Now it seems crazy, but it did bring the rent down much lower, and I did like the couple.  So we moved.

The place we moved into was part of a huge complex in the city of Montebello.  Very close, via bus to our school (all of us were going there at the time).  Also close enough for me to bike there, which I did sometimes.  And I'd get rides sometimes.

   We called our apartment the UN, short for United Nations.  I've already explained about Hattie.  Roya's story was remarkable.  Her mother's parents were from Russia.  Grandpa was a lawyer and was fold that Stalin was looking unkindly towards him.  So Grandpa arranged for the servants to take all six of the kids to the shore of the Black Sea and arrange for passage to Iran, just across the water.  The grandparents planned on joining them, but it didn't happen.  So Roya's mom, who was the oldest, was in charge.  She was 16 at the time.  The youngest was a toddler.  Roya's mom had enough money to get them settled and to attract the romantic attention of a young man with a good family.  He married her and agreed to care for her siblings.  Roya and her younger brother were the result.  As time went on (remember, this was during the days of the Shaw when things were less rigid), Roya's Aunts and Uncles moved to America.  Since she was a girl, eventually Roya was allowed to leave Iran as well.  Roya's brother, not allowed, so her mom stayed as well.  Roya was under the nominal care of her uncle (same one-he had been the toddler in the original escape story).

   Henry supposedly lived in a two bedroom apartment (on the same floor as ours) with his two brothers.  I didn't care much for his brothers, but I liked Henry.  He was upper class Mexican from Ensenada, Mexico.  I learned a lot about the real status of life there from him.

   So we were the United Nations.  I was the token American/white person.  It was odd, but then the school we were attending was 1/3 Hispanic, 1/3 black, and 1/3 Asian, white, and whatever.  It was a real eyeopener for me.  The other 3 all worked at the local IHOP, which is where they met.  Somehow we survived each other.  Roya was big on neatness (she was a math major, after all), so household chores got done.  We also took turns cooking.  Henry was a short order cook and good.  Roya made amazing Persian and Russian food.  I acquired my love for borscht from her.  Hattie really couldn't cook much.  Eventually she learned how to make wontons from her Aunt.  But mostly on her nights we had pizza or take out.  Me?  I made traditional American foods which they all loved-pot roast, spaghetti, meatloaf, etc.  We had a lot of fun.

   I didn't entirely ignore my parents during this time, but I didn't talk to them much either.  Mom was afraid I was making bad choices and getting into trouble.  I look back at it now and I realize that I was in a safe place, surrounded by unique and caring people.

More next week on The UN and our adventures.