Momma Sandy Says - Year End Evaluations

Momma Sandy Says

Year End Evalautions

   I didn't start doing year end evaluations until about 10-15 years ago.  I think I was just too busy with life.  Also my parents didn't do evaluations either, so it wasn't a pattern.  I started doing it due to social media.

   I find year end evaluations serve some good purposes.  They give me a chance to review both the good and the bad of the prior year (and the boring).  Also a chance to review what I learned that year.  And finally, it gives me a starting point for planning my next year.

   Since I only started doing this in the last decade or so, I didn't teach my children to do this.  However, if I were to teach them today, I'd handle it the following way:

  Time wise, I would take the time with my children to do this between Christmas and New Year's Eve.  As mom, I should know everyone's schedule, so I would try to schedule time for this.  I would also finish my own evaluation of the year, so I know what to be aware of.
  In an age appropriate manner I would help my children to talk about the good parts of the year.  We could even use photos, if needed.  What amongst the years activities did my kids like?  Why did we like those?
   We would also talk about the negative parts of the year.  What was disliked?  What was sad or bad about the year?  Why?  Were these things that could have been avoided?
   At this point we can swing back to the positive and talk about what parts of the year before we would like to do again?  And balance by talking about what we would like to avoid in the year to come.
   This is a good time to collect ideas for adventures for the new year.  It can be a time to start talking about options for vacation(s) for the coming year.
   Note:  Write this stuff down so you can get it researched later.

An important thing is to talk with your children about things that might be happening in the coming year.  Is anyone they know getting married?  Starting school?  Anyone going to take part in any important religious ceremonies?  Moving?  Does it look like they will be moving in the coming year?  Is there anyone close (especially older relatives) that is seriously ill?  This can be a time to help prepare your children for what is to come-good and bad.

And this is a good way to communicate with your children a concept of time.

Freque Factory - Alabama Interlude

Freque Factory

Alabama Interlude

This blog is dedicated, in gratitude to the band, Little Feat.  That story is below.

   So I left the cold, gray, wet of Minnesota and flew south to warmth and green.  And what I thought was love.  Looking back, I think I was in love with love.  Everything was happy and rainbows.  Love could happen and not be the unhappy I had left behind in Los Angeles as my parents were working through their divorce.

   It was a rough set of flights.  Flying from Minnesota to St. Louis my seat mate was a young woman who was flying home after the tragic death of her love (I think husband).  So depressing!  And we flew right into a thunderstorm.  Leaving St. Louis (and my grieving seat mate) I had one of the scariest flights I've ever had. I wanted to kiss the ground.  Even the flight attendants were strapped into their seats.

   My "first love", I'll call him Dave, met me.  I stayed with his family for a while.  I'll talk more about them later.

   That first night Dave took me over to the University for a concert-part of the Spring Concert series.  Dave told me that the word was out-the local police would be looking for drugs.  So everyone he knew was getting stoned before going in and leaving all evidence home.  Dave and I were especially careful.  He had been a pain in the ass of the local police for several years now (including writing especially witty dogerral about them).  I was just an outsider from Southern California.

   We were searched going in, but not too thoroughly.  It was a good crowd and pretty much filled the auditorium.  The opening act was a local band.  Their claim to fame was a band member who had briefly played with Iron butterfly.  Nothing exciting, but ok to move around to.  Mostly covers.

   I don't even remember who the second band was.  Another local band, this one had a better reputation and played original music.  However, in the middle of their set, the band suddenly stopped playing.  A somewhat portly Southern police officer strode onto the stage and over to the microphone.  He said something-the microphone was too garbled, though it had been clear for the band.  I suspect that he was telling us that the concert was over and we had to leave.

   All I knew was that suddenly the house lights came on.  The main exit door was open (lit).  There was dead silence.  And then I heard the howling of the police dogs.

   That was one of the scariest moments of my life.  The police were trying to herd all of us to the main entrance/exit.  Dave and I circled around, always keeping groups of people between us and the police.

   And then came the moment that I will always be grateful to Little Fear for.  That band was the headliner for the show that night.  I found out later they had approached the police asking to be able to play a few gentle songs to get us to leave-and to avoid a riot.

   The band came on.  For them the microphones were clear.  They told us that they were going to play a few songs.  When they were done, all of us should leave at once.  That way the police couldn't stop all of us.

   And they were right.  After about 20 minutes they stopped and we all started walking out.  We reached the safety of our car and went home.  We explained to Dave's dad what had happened.  Dad was so incensed about the police heavy handedness that he wrote a letter to the Editor of the local paper.  I always appreciated that he did that.

  In the weeks to come I met several young adults who weren't as lucky as we were.  The people who left when the concert was first shut down had to deal with police brutality.  I met folks with bruises, broken bones, etc.  But the worst was a young lady with heavy bandaging on her leg.  That was where a police dog had taken a bit out of her.

Thank you Little Feat!  Your concern for your audience that night probably saved a whole lot of us from serious injury.

Momma Sandy Says - Thoughts on the Holiday Season

Momma Sandy Says

Thoughts on the Holiday Season

     It's mid December and I'm in the Christmas crunch.  I'm going to do a shorter blog tonight, talking about some Christmas traditions I'm familiar with and things to look for with them.

A coworker today talked about her family tradition of only opening one present on Christmas Eve.  That reminded me of how my family did that, and how I carried that on to my own family, once I had children.  It's a good way to defuse some of the tension of Christmas Eve.  As a parent, you need to pre-decide which one present each child can open.  New Pj's may seem like a good idea, but your children would probably want to be able to play with a new toy.

  This was a tradition that changed pretty rapidly as the kids got older and our families got more complicated.  When Christmas Eve was at my mom's house the expectation was that we would open gifts from them and their friends.  By the time we would get home it was often too late for a Christmas of our own.  There would be time to hang stockings (by the chimney with care, of course), baths, and then bed.

   Speaking of Christmas stockings, I'm a firm believer in them.  Currently hanging are 5 stockings from throughout my life.  Early traditions call for real socks to be used, but we never did.  All of the stockings I've had are unique and beautiful.  Stockings were not for big, expensive gifts,  There was always a toy-no matter what age!  Mostly it was for practical stuff.  Typically in my stocking there would be socks, a new toothbrush, bath stuff (hooray!), a little candy, and when I got older, some make up.  I was grateful to get all of that.  My kids grew up with the same concepts.  For us it worked.  Keep the cost down and keep it simple.  When our kids got older (and knew that Santa and mom were closely connected) we had them help.  Everything from helping choose the presents, to helping wrap, and once they were older, helping buy some of the presents.  As teens, having them invested in the process made the whole thing more fun.

   What to do about Santa?  This has become a much tougher issue.  We teach our children to be afraid of strangers, yet every December we encourage them to take photos with this strange, older man in a red suit.  I am not surprised that so many kids start screaming once they realize that they're supposed to interact with Santa.

   I raised my children to believe in Santa Claus.  To believe that there was a man and his support system (Mrs. Claus and the elves) that gave gifts to kids throughout the world.  He filled our Christmas stockings too.  Santa was a generous and loving man who had faith in people.

   Once our children were old enough to start questioning, we included each child-asking them to not tell the youngers.  It wasn't fair to spoil the magic for them.  But now that they knew, they could take part-become Santa's helpers themselves.  To know a good secret that a younger sibling doesn't is always fun.

   I hope that the tradition of Santa Claus can continue.  In our paranoid world it may not be possible, and that's sad.

   Finally, I want to touch on the religious elements of the season.  For almost every religion around there is some sort of tradition around the winter solstice.  This is the time when light overcomes the growing darkness.  Although Christ of the Christian tradition was probably born in the late spring or late summer, it works that we celebrate his birth near the date of the winter solstice.  Whatever your spiritual beliefs, embrace them during the winter holiday season.  Use the time to teach your children that loving and giving to others is a very good thing.  A child that learns the joy of giving has taken an important step towards becoming a good adult.

   And please, be tolerant of other spiritual beliefs.  My children had a Jewish step-grandfather and learned to enjoy the Jewish holidays as well.  Though I think they liked the food of Hanukkah the best.  That and the chocolate gold coins.

Have fun this holiday season.  Try to stick to your schedules so that everything gets done on time, but make sure you include time for yourself as well.

Freque Factory - Post High School, Part 4

Freque Factory

Post High School, Part 4

   After I got back from Alabama the UN moved to my home town.  My bedroom was miniscule, but I loved it.  I got myself a new job, as a salad maker at our local smorgasbord.    The job didn't last all that long.  My bosses didn't think I was strong enough to handle the giant trash cans full of salad.  

   But at the job I met a man that I had liked the look of a year ago when I started college.  His name was Bob.  Bob and I began a relationship pretty quickly.  It was easily one of my worst ideas.  Turns out he was a heroin addict.  He had gotten hooked while fighting in Vietnam.  He had developed a cycle of getting clean, then staying clean for 6 months or so, then slowly, over a year or so, getting deeper into addiction until he needed to cold turkey again to function.  Some of these cold turkey sessions were in jail.  The biggest thing I learned in this relationship is that I never, ever want to be involved with an addict. again.

   R & H got married late in the fall.  It was a low key ceremony in our front room.  I think they took the weekend off for their honeymoon.  They were working hard to finish school.  The plan was to transfer (it turned out to be San Jose State College) the next fall.  Their combined families were willing to help them continue their schooling, but there were strings.  One of them was that the two of them needed to have their own place, not with 2 single women.  So the plan was for HJ and I to get our own place after the first of the year.  We were back where we started.  Except now HJ and her boyfriend were very serious.  I expected them to be engaged by Christmas (and they were).

   This was my second Christmas with my parents apart.  It was better.  At my mom's suggestion I invited my roommates to join us on Christmas Eve.  R & H didn't come.  I think they spent the night with her family.  HJ appreciated a chance to avoid her local relatives.  She'd be spending the next day with her guy.  Barbara came as well.  Since she was raised Jewish, it was the first Christmas she had ever celebrated.  She really had a good time.  We all did.  We ended up getting together during the Christmas season for several years.

   So in January we moved to the new place.  I had broken up with Bob the addict before Christmas, so I was free to date anyone, sort of.  The young man I had met, and fallen in love with while in Alabama was wanting me to move back there to be with him.  HJ was engaged and planning to get married within a few months.  And Joanne had moved in with us.  Jim was in basic training.

   Having Joanne move in with us was pretty horrid.  She and HJ never got along.  She irritated me most of the time.  We were all glad when Jim finished basic training and they moved to Texas, his first posting.

   HJ and I talked.  She was getting married in April.  After the honeymoon she was moving in to Bob's house to start married life.  I decided to move to Alabama.  But first I was going to visit Monique in Minnesota.  She was sounding more and more despondent.  We had a set of plans.

   HJ's wedding was fun.  It was very, very small-in front of a justice of the peace.  Afterward we had a traditional Chinese wedding feast with her family.  It struck Bob (the groom) and I funny that us two white folks could use chopsticks and some of HJ's younger cousins couldn't.

   I stowed my stuff at my mom's apartment (mostly in my old room), packed my suitcase and off I flew.

   My visit to Minnesota was eventful. Monique and Blonde were living in a basement apartment on the outskirts of St. Paul.  Winter was over, but spring had yet to arrive.  Everything was gray and dead looking.  Mostly it rained.  A cold, cold dreary rain.  Not encouraging.

   Both Monique and Blonde were working.  It was all they could do to keep their bills paid.  There was a real change in Blonde.  Where was the charming, outgoing guy we had met in CA?  This was a sullen, brooding guy.  As I found out, he had become a real mamma's boy.  Or maybe he was always that guy and just changed once away from Momma?  Blonde was using a lot of drugs too-mostly marijuana.

   Speaking of Gert, Monique took me over to her house one day.  Monique and Blonde had lived with her in-laws for the first few months there.  The house really did have salmon colored deep plush carpets in the hall way.  I did have to take off my shoes there.  Gert was a huge woman with a voice like a fog horn.  Highly opinionated.  Her husband was a mousy little man.  It felt like he was hiding behind his wife all the time.   I couldn't imagine living there.

   One night they took me to a "house party."  They're popular there, but I hadn't experienced one before.  The idea was to cram as many people as possible into a house and party.  I hated it.  Way too many people.  I felt like there wasn't enough oxygen.  Plus I didn't really know anyone except Monique and Blonde, who vanished early.  Despite the cold I escaped outside.  I talked to others out there for several hours until Monique showed up again and we got to go home.

   Monique confided to me that she was becoming desperate to have a baby.  Gert was putting pressure on them.  She was pretty clear that if Monique couldn't produce a grandchild for her, then Monique wasn't good enough to be her daughter-in-law.  Monique was trying to convince herself that having a baby would "save" her marriage.  Despite all her efforts, no pregnancy.

   I left after a week, even though I had planned to stay longer.  I was done with the gray and dreary.  I wanted warmth, green, and the affection of a Southern man. 

  

  

Mamma Sandy Says - Holiday Traditions

Mama Sandy Says

Holiday Traditions

   Traditions, in general can be good, bad, and/or both.  That's because traditions are thing that have been done before and carry memories.

   How do traditions get started?  Often by wanting to repeat a pleasurable prior experience.  For example, when I was 13 my family discovered an area of Christmas lights we hadn't known about before.  It was so remarkable, and so fun to walk around, that we chose to do it again.  And again.  When I married, I brought my new husband and then our children on this now traditional adventure.  I plan to do it again this holiday season.  My daughter introduced her husband to our tradition last year and they should be joining me.

   Do traditions end of change?  Absolutely?  Especially traditions centered around the November/December holidays.  Things like where we celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas depend on who was still alive and living where.  When I was a child the holidays rotated between our house and that of my grandparents, great grandparents, and my mom's siblings.  As the older generation died, all that changed.  By the time I married, Christmas Eve was with my mom, Christmas Day with his family and/or my dad.  Once we had kids, things changed again.  Christmas Eve with my mom until she moved to Arizona.  Christmas morning at our house.  And we rotated.  Now that I'm divorced things have changed again.  And it will change again, since my kids are settling down.

   So many things can be traditional during the holidays.  Here's a short list.

1.  Thanksgiving

2.  Church service plans

3.  Local events

4.  Buying of the Christmas tree

5.  How to decorate the home

6.  Parties to attend

7.  Gifts-who buys, how to wrap, etc.

8.  Christmas stockings

9.  Special stuff-theme parks, theater plays, etc.

10.  Lighting displays

11.  Tamale making

12.  Hannaukah

13.  Kwanza

14.  Charity work

   This year I am reevaluating my holiday traditions.  Here are some guidelines that I'm using:

1.  Does this specific tradition need to change?

2.  What is important about this tradition?  What do I want to keep?

3.  What do others (my adult children especially) say about this tradition?

4.  Do I need to scrap this tradition?  Or do I just need to revamp it?

Note:  When changing traditions, give yourself time to mourn the loss of how the tradition used to be.

   Sometimes you can choose to add traditions, not just have it happen.  I have looked for local events for years.  The good ones become traditions.  Last weekend, for example, I attended two local events that have become traditional for me now.  Candy Cane Land is a combination craft fair and children's event.  They use local volunteers, especially for the kid stuff and everyone has fun.  I love watching the kids go down the snow slide.  In the evening I went to Winter Wonderland, put on by a local church.  No craft fair, but 4 food trucks (besides other food), local community booths, a kids snow slide and a snow ball area.  And two stages.  Good times.  I will go back to both next year.

   Changes in your life can cause you to to want to make changes.  Since my daughter works at Sea World I now have a pass, so a new tradition is to visit there during the holidays.  I don't have a Disneyland pass anymore, so I'm not going to visit there.  Maybe visit Downtown Disney, depends on time.

   The big cause of change for me this year is my mom's illness.  She's in a convalescent hospital now and unable to join us for most of the holiday.  So I'm doing things differently.  Sometimes, when I'm doing things we used to do together, it can make me melancholy.  But I know that, so I plan for it.  New events, that mom and I haven't done together, or old events done differently.  It all helps.  Keep yourself busy.

But most of all, have fun!

Freque Factory - Post High School, Part 3

Freque Factory

Post High School, Part 3

      At the end of my first year of college I was ready for new adventures.  My mom had convinced me to take about a month to visit my adopted brother, Doug, in Alabama.  I was ready for a change.  Barbara had moved out.  Roya and Henry were going to Iran for the summer to meet Roya's mom and dad.  It would be quite an adventure.  HJ had started dating Bob.

   But before I left town Brian came over for a visit.  I have no idea how he got my phone number-maybe from Monique's mom.  The news was good.  He was out of jail.  He'd been through drug rehab and was clean.  He was committed to staying clean.  Brian really, really did not want to return to jail.

   His version of what had happened with him and Monique was different, of course.  He still cared about her (I think that's really why he came over), but wished her the best.  Brian was excited about his future.  He was going to school and had his first legal job.  I was looking at adult Brian.  He was happy.  That's how I like to remember him, because I never saw him again.

   The month I spent in Alabama was pretty important.  I fell in love for the first time.  But in the end I came back to Southern California.  I'll write in more detail about that adventure later.

   Roya and Henry had an amazing trip.  The Iran they visited was still under the Shah, so it was very cosmopolitan.  The heavy Muslim influence wasn't there yet.  Lots of evenings in clubs late night.  Henry passed inspection, but the family (and his) were putting a lot of pressure on the two of them.  By the time they left Iran they were engaged.  The families did not like the idea of the 4 of us in one small apartment, so we found a house to rent.  In my home town.  All this happened while I was gone,   Once I got off the plane I was packing and moving.  In September we started school again.

   Late in September Monique and Blonde made plans for a road trip out to CA.  They made the trip in his sports car, the same one he had driven out to CA before.  Unfortunately they were in a bad car wreck in Colorado.  Icy bridge vs. the car and the car lost.  They only had minor injuries, but the car was totaled.  Monique's parents, when they called them the next morning, unexpectedly offered to pay for plane tickets to Los Angeles.

  Blonde couldn't stand to be separated from his beloved car in its hour of need, so he stayed and went back to Minnesota with it.  He got it repaired, but it never was the same.  Monique flew home.  What she found out when she got there was heart breaking.

   Just about the same time she and Blonde were getting into their wreck Brian was driving home from visiting Freddie up in the Hollywood Hills.  He was hit by another car and his car went off the road and down the canyon.  He probably died instantly.  The coroner's report said Brian was sober.

   Monique's parents were right to wait to tell her at home.  She fell apart.  The coincidences were too much.  She stayed with her parents for several months before going back to Minnesota.  Her marriage was done at this point, she just didn't know it.

   And the others?  Elias and Joanne had gotten married.  She got pregnant.  They both stopped using drugs and drinking while she was pregnant.  Elias worked as a mechanic, his chosen career.  They found out that staying sober worked for them.  He was a better mechanic and soon was making a decent salary.  Joanne found work as a sales clerk.  It wasn't what her parents intended for her, but they were happy.  They found a whole new circle of friends and we didn't hear much from them anymore.

   Susan and Betty both had gotten tired of 1 night stands.  Susan ended up marrying a guy from our town who was a couple of years younger.  I hung out with them some.  She had started cutting ties with Freddie.  Susan tried was not able to get pregnant.  She always thought that was the primary reason her marriage fell apart.  They stayed friends, but divorced.  Susan vowed to stay sober and to have a real life.

   Betty was still dating the one guy from Freddie's crew (besides Brian) who was worthwhile.  They decided to get married.  It was a private ceremony.  Soon after they both cut ties with Freddie.  Betty wasn't able to have children after the Mexican abortion, but her husband didn't mind.  In fact, he encouraged her to go back to working on her art.  Betty was a good artist when she wanted to be.

   Against all off, Joanna and Jim were still together.  I was visiting her one day when Jim tried his last suicide attempt.  She was furious with him.  Joanna made it very clear that she was done with him and the suicide tries.  He checked himself into the hospital, got his stomach pumped and promised Joanna that he would not do that again.  And he didn't.

   She took him back and they got engaged 6 months later.  Jim was unable to get a decent, legal job.  No real job skills and no high school diploma was a problem.  Somehow he was able to get an army recruiter to sign him up.  Just before he entered the service they had the most depressive wedding I've ever seen or been a part of.  Jim had convinced me to give Joanna a place to live while he was in basic.  He didn't want her to continue living with her mother any longer.

More on the fall of 1972 next week.