Family Stories - Jack and Joan Get Married!

Family Stories

Jack and Joan Get Married!

    In some ways it seem odd to be telling the story of my parent's wedding.  But if I don't, who will?  And since my own daughter is getting married soon, it seems appropriate.

   The date was Saturday, September 24, 1949.  Joan had finished her classes and been baptized, so they were married in the Old San Gabriel Mission.  It was a 3:00 wedding, so dinner was served.  The reception was in Alice's backyard.

  Joan's family was well represented.  Her mom and dad were there, of course.  Alice (as Matron of Honor), Murray, and their 3 kids (the youngest, Colleen was now a determined toddler) plus Ralph, Bette, Pam, Louise, and Paul.  Del was still awol.  He would eventually end up with Bakersfield and stayed with Louise and Paul while he put his life back together.  Her brother Everett wasn't going to come - his wife was not about to leave Staten Island.  Joan's sister Marion wanted to come, but she was pregnant.

   Since she couldn't be there, Marion instead sent her wedding gown, which Joan had helped make before they left New York.  Marion was a bit taller, so Alice helped Joan make alterations.  Alice's mischievous son Patrick was the ring bearer.  He had very firm orders to go straight to his mom once she got up there and not leave her side.  My cousins Mary Margaret (Alice's) and Pam (Ralph's) were the flower girls.  The girls had matching dresses, as did Colleen.

   It was a pretty good crowd.  Almost filled the small church.  What was left of Jack's family was there.  Also a lot of Jack's friends and Joan's friends from work.  It was a simple wedding.  Almost none of the hoopla we see in modern weddings.  They didn't have a professional photographer, but they did have Jack's father, who was a professional photographer.  No photos were allowed in the old church, but almost all of the existing pictures were taken by him.

   The ceremony started.  Mary Margaret primly laid down rose petals one by one down the aisle.  Pam took handfuls of petals and tossed them randomly.  Pam's basket was empty long before she reached the front of the church.  Patrick made it to the front safely, where he was corralled by one of the ushers until Alice made it down there.

   Joan's father Vincent tripped on her dress going down the aisle.  Clearly a tradition, since my own father tripped on my gown during my wedding.  Murray's one job was to hang on to Colleen during the ceremony.  Not surprisingly, he failed at it.  The ceremony was just starting when Colleen came running down the aisle yelling, "Doan!  Doan!"  She hadn't figured out the J sound yet.  Since Colleen was a blonde (like Joan) and Alice a dark brunette, there were some rumors, quickly squashed.  After a hug and kiss from her now former roommate, Colleen was content to stay with her mother.  The wedding proceeded rather uneventfully after that.

   The reception went well.  The priest came over and ate.  The food was good, which means that Grandma had nothing to do with the making of it.  No real problems.  The gifts were opened and later stored at Alice's for the happy couple to pick up later.  Then they changed clothes and prepared to leave for their honeymoon.  I do like to note that Joan made the suit she left in (with a little help from Alice).

   Since they didn't have much money, Jack and Joan had a low key honeymoon.  Their goal was to see as many of the Old CA Missions as possible.  They traveled in Jack's convertible.  The problem was that the top of the car had broken and Jack hadn't had time to get it fixed.  They did see the Missions at San Fernando, Ventura, Santa Barbara, and the ruins just north of that.  Rain was in the forecast, so they headed home to their new apartment.

   A side note, I respect my parents morals.  Many years later my dad told me that they did managed to wait to have sex until they were married.  That's what you were supposed to do back then.  He said the hardest time was when they were working on their new apartment.  But somehow he resisted and was glad of it.  I know of some of my other relatives who weren't that strong.

Momma Sandy Says - Trips and Traps with Kids

Momma Sandy Says

Trips and Traps with Kids

   Let's be honest, our children know which buttons to push to get us to react certain ways.  It's just a fact of life.  As parents we can either allow them to continue doing so, or we can figure out ways to derail them.  Below are some of the more classic stratagies that kids tend to use and how I tended to deal with them.

1. Stalling Bed Time.  Sometimes you can get lucky and have a child that loves to sleep.  I had one.  I also had one of the other kind.  This is the kid who has to have one more story.  One more drink of water.  One more trip to the bathroom.  One last round of goodnight hugs...  Eventually you can get them to bed and maybe to sleep - often well past what you had intended.  Then comes round two.  They show up as many times as you will let them with one more request...

   The first thing to remind yourself is that you are in charge.  This doesn't mean being a tyrant, but it does mean tough love sometimes.  Set limits.  With penalties if necessary.

   However, sometimes the extra trips back in to see you have a purpose.  Something may be bugging your child and they aren't quite ready to tell you yet.  For my special child, it has ranged from needing a parental signature on something to concerns about a friend.  Deal with all of it, trying really, really, really hard not to loose your temper.  Some concerns can be handled quickly - they might just need us to reassure them that a "friends" tale isn't true.  Other things may require further action in the morning.
   Also, the child stalling to go to sleep could be tied to their decreased need for sleep.  Just like a child will eventually outgrow the need for an afternoon nap (darn!), as they get older their bodies can stay awake longer.  With my kids it was trial and error.  We would tell them (often after they had asked for an extra half hour) that we would try it out, but if they were groggy and unable to handle their responsibilities (school) then back to the prior time.  That went for staying up late reading too.  If my kids were able to function with less sleep, then I would let them.

2.  Avoiding chores, homework, etc.  The first thing to figure out (if you can) is why your child is avoiding something they are supposed to be doing.  Does he or she find the work boring?  Is there something they think is more important to do? Do they just not want to do it?  Are there other stressors going on that make this less important?  Or is it too hard and they need help understanding?  And then there is the rare child who is strong willed enough that they decide that they get to make the decisions.

   Knowing why helps with the solution.  You may need to take extra time to explain something.  If this happens a lot, you may need to talk to the teacher about it.  Could be a warning sign of a learning disability.  Or just a bad teacher.

   Techniques vary, based on the child and their age.  For smaller children the chart on the fridge with gold stars (or whatever) seems to work well.  Tie that to a good reward and you could have a solid positive reinforcement.  For older kids, a contract may help.  No chores, no $.  By the way, we called it a salary, not an allowance, based on the practice from my childhood.  Good reports from teachers should certainly call for positive reinforcement.  Penalties can include taking away privileges.  Figure out your kid and figure out what works.

3.  Not being able to find things.    The real purpose of this one is to make you find something they've lost.  I'm busy enough, I don't need additional work.  My mother taught me a trick.  She told me to quickly notice where things are in a room.  Then when someone starts asking where something specific is, you hopefully have note where you last saw it.  Makes you look amazing.

   So, when my child stated, "I can't find X."  I often could tell them where it is.  I had one child who couldn't find things, even with my directions.  The problem was that he wasn't willing to pick stuff up that had fallen on top of the missing item.  After unearthing the missing object exactly where I said it was too many times, I decided on a plan of operation.  I explained to that child that if I had to walk over to help him find the missing object and it was where I said it was, then he owed me a chore.  The logic was that since I had to stop what I was doing to help him, he could help me.  By the time he owed me about 5 chores he decided to start picking things up.  I did get my chores, btw.

4.  Wearing you down.  I saved the best for last.  This is the kid (or children, they can work in tandem) who asks you for something and won't take as final any answer that isn't what they want.  Any thing you saw, any reason you give, they will have an answer for.  Or an excuse.  Anything to get their result.  The wearing you down factor is amazing.  Parents will often give it, just to shut their kids up.

   Don't fall for it!  You are letting them be in control.  Personally I have little or no patience for this technique.  Especially since it puts them in control.  So I worked out a compromise.  Granted, I had to wait until they were old enough to reason with to implement it, but for us it worked.

   What we worked out was this:  If they did not like a decision I made, they could ask me, politely, once and only once to change my mind.  On my side I had to commit to honestly thinking about what they had asked.  And if  it was reasonable, I would change my mind.  However, once I had come up with my second ruling, they could not ask again.  Asking again would result in penalties.  They exception was, of course, safety issues.  It took a few times, but we got used to it and it worked.

   Our deal did not work for their father.  My daughter was especially successful in getting her way with him, but then, the strongest bone in her body as always been the little finger she has her dad wrapped around.

   

There are a lot more traps and tricks kids use, these are just the top 4 in my house.  Be creative in how you deal with yours.  Include your kids in the solution finding process if you can.  It helps if they think they are helping with the decisions.  But you need to stay in charge and keep your eye on the goal of creating decent adults.

Family Stories - The Courtship of Jack and Joan

Family Stories

The Courtship of Jack and Joan

   It really is true that Jack and Joan met on the bus.  They were both going to jobs in Downtown Los Angeles.  She to Burroughs and he to the big printing firm of Swabacher Fry.  Joan saw a very good looking young man with amazing blue eyes.  He saw a cute girl.

   But very quickly Jack realized that Joan was also shy.  So he kept his interest on a friendship level only and moved very slowly.  And to his amazement he found that Joan was intelligent and had a great sense of humor.  She was also willing to be more adventurous.  It was clear that Joan's upbringing had been pretty sheltered.

  It's funny how people like to encourage romance.  Before a few weeks had passed, the other riders on the buss were leaving a seat open for the young couple.  Jack didn't even ask Joan out until they had known each other over a month.  Joan said yes, but had to cancel at the last minute because she unexpectedly had to work late.  The second time he asked her out she had to cancel at the last minute again, this time due to a crisis in the family.  Something about helping the sister she lived with.

  Both were good excuses, but Jack did not like being stood up.  He was beginning to really like Joan, so he decided to give her one more chance.  But if she cancelled again, he was done with her.  Luckily Joan was able to go on that date.  It wasn't much as first dates go.  I think it was dinner and a movie.  I don't think he even kissed her goodnight.  But they both had a really good time.  They talked the whole time - about everything.

  In Joan, Jack found a woman who complimented him.  She was easily as smart as he was, with a mind willing to look at possibilities.  In Jack, Joan found a caring and intelligent man who treated her like she was wonderful, smart, and sexy.  A first for her.  but their relationship started off with friendship.

   As soon as Joan was comfortable with it, Jack started introducing her to his friends.  She had never met people like them before.  She wasn't completely naive, she had been around her brother's friends, which included professional musicians and other vets.  But it had always been in the role of protected younger sister.  These were people she probably wouldn't have spent much time with socially in the rigid roles of her mother's thinking.  There was Jerry, the big guy who did construction with his dad.  Jerry's girl (and later his wife) was clearly a bottle blonde.  And very open with her language and displays of affection.  Yet Joanne became a strong allay of Joan's.  It was very confusing.  Yet also very liberating.  Joan decided to roll with it and see what these people were really like.

   One of my favorite stories of that period happened when Jack wanted to take Joan to the beach with his friends.  She was willing to go, but wouldn't wear a swim suit or go into the water.  Not for morality reasons-Joan knew she would sun burn badly if she did.  Remember, this was in the days before reliable sunscreen.  Having grown up in Southern California as most of the group did, he hadn't thought of that.  He asked his dad, Harry Jr. if Hollywood had anything that could help?  The studios didn't use anything like that, but Harry talked to his pharmacist.  Back then, a pharmacist could create his own medicines and sell them.  This pharmacist thought this was a good challenge and created a thick cream for mom to use.  It worked.  I hope the pharmacist patented his idea and made a fortune on it.

   And so Joan got to know the women of the group.  In a way, they became a support group for each other.  As the men were dealing with the stress of returning to life after the War, the women helped each other deal with the men.  It was such a big help to realize that she wasn't alone.  That all of them were dealing with some of the same issues and behaviors.

  And then Joan got to meet Jack's family.  Lucille never liked Joan, especially when she realized that Jack was serious about Joan.  Lucille had some serious guilt issues about having abandoned her son in his childhood.  She didn't want any woman taking her son away from her.  Lucille's husband, Bill, thought Joan was wonderful.  He was a hick, but a great guy.  He especially warmed to Joan when he found out that she had started life on a farm in upstate New York.  She hadn't been a city girl all her life!

   Lidon and Daddy Knabb were pages out of an old book.  They had a parlor!  Mom only remembers going in there once in all the years she knew them.  Hopelessly old fashioned and emotionally rigid, Joan did her best and dusted off her best manners.  She got grudging approval.  Joan wasn't sure what to think about Harry and Emma, Jack's dad and step-mom.  Harry was an interesting man, but very formal.  Emma still didn't like Jack.  All very odd and not at all like her family.

   But then Jack got to meet her family.  Sister Alice Jack liked.  Murray he thought was an ass.  Ralph and Bette were a lot of fun.  Ralph was an odd ball, but then he was a musician studying to be a doctor.  He met Louise eventually.  Her husband, Paul, had wisely moved her up to Bakersfield.  Jack always kept Louise from bullying Joan.  Jack felt sorry for Paul and helped him whenever he could.

   Jack liked Vincent, Joan's dad.  It was clear that Vincent was sick.  But he had been a strong man with strong opinions and he liked Jack too.  It was Ruth that Jack wasn't sure what to do about.  The woman was a tyrant, bu she loved her husband and took good care of him.  In the end he decided that Ruth loved her family, but she was such a hurricane of a person!  Like with Louise, Jack became Joan's protector from her mom.

   Family visits over, the two became more serious.  Their families hadn't scared the other off.  His friends hadn't scared Joan off.  In fact, she had become a welcome part of the group.  Her innate goodness and caring was well loved.  As well as her wicked sense of humor!  Jack was convinced that he had found "The One."

   For Joan it was a longer process.   But she came to the point when she realized that her friendship with Jack had to change if it was going to continue.  She realized that if she wasn't willing to take the next step, he would be out of her life.  And then the life changing realization that she didn't want her life to continue without Jack in it.

   Jack's plans for the future were changing.  He was almost done with his time with the big LA printing plant.  He was convinced that he really did want to open his own small shop.  And he wanted Joan there with him, handling his bookkeeping, helping with the customers, etc  Joan wanted that too.  So Jack began taking jobs with other printing plants, learning all he could about running a shop.  Sometimes he'd be there 6 months, sometimes less.  Joan's family became concerned that Joan was dating a man who couldn't keep a job.  But Joan knew Jack's plans.

   Jack tried to ask Vincent for permission to ask for Joan's hand in marriage.  But every time he tried, Ruth would show up and interrupt.  Finally he gave up.  Joan understood.  I don't think he ever did formally ask her to marry him.  No great romantic scene.  But they were in such agreement about their plans she didn't mind.

  Eventually they started talking about a date to get married.  But first, Joan had to take classes.  Jack, like Alice was a Roman Catholic convert.  Both had already taken the classes necessary to join the church and take the sacraments.  Joan had started going to the Catholic church when she moved in with Alice, but she hadn't gotten around to the classes yet.  But if they were going to be married in the church (marriage is considered one of their sacraments), she had to be Catholic too.  So off to classes she went.  Alice was her sponsor at Baptism.

I'll write about the wedding and such next week.

Momma Sandy Says - Discipline

Momma Sandy Says

Discipline

I have a few main points about discipline.  Then I'll talk about details.

1.  You MUST discipline the children you are responsible for.  If you don't, you will have unmanageable children who assume they are in charge of the world.  Then you will have unmanageable adults who will be a source of heart break to you and others.

2.  When and how to discipline has many variables.

3.  When in doubt, bring in the professionals.

1.  I don't think I need to add much to this point.  A child who cannot self discipline is a train wreck and will only get worse. Spoiled is probably the kindest term I can think of.  Don't be the parent who others feel sorry for!

2.  How and when to discipline is a big topic.  Let me start by saying that every child needs to be trained differently.  Every child.  Birth order may play a role.  I'll talk about that in more detail, hopefully next week.  But how you train child #1 should be different from how you train #2.  I'll use my own kids as an example.

   My firstborn was a boy.  Loved to climb and get into things.  Not inclined to clean.  Or remember to do what he was told.  Him I had to discipline quite a bit.  But I was consistent and we all survived.  His younger sister watched and tried to avoid her brothers problem areas.  She had her own areas of discipline need, but nowhere near as often as her brother.  Seemingly a good child.  Mostly I think she just wanted to avoid the punishments. Often all I had to do with her was a firm talking to.  My son needed explanations often, as to why what he wanted to do was a bad idea.  Exhausting.

  Every child is different.  Just like every child has a different learning style, so every child has a different discipline style.  And to make it harder, what worked when they were 5 won't work when they are 12, and especially won't work when they are 15!

   My first advice is to start early.  Babies naturally think they are the center of the universe.  That is a good time to gently teach them that maybe they always aren't.  Getting them to go to sleep on their own can be a major battle, but it's only the first one.  Your children will challenge you for supremacy of the household as often as they can.

   Like puppies, children need to be disciplined as soon as possible after the offense, especially if they are really young.  It's much easier for a child to "tune you out" later on.  But if at all possible, never let it spill over to the next day.  The further from the time of the offense, the more energy you have to expend in getting your child to understand the severity of the offense.

   I do need to state here that equality is important, especially if you have more than one child.  If you punish kid  #1 for an offense, then you had better punish kid #2 for the same offense.  You may not be able to discipline them the same way, but, especially if you have smart kids, you had better have a good explanation for the difference.  The phrase, "Because she's a girl or boy" should never be heard.

   How to discipline?  Theories change from year to year.  When I was a kid, corporal punishment (the whole ruler to hand or behind) was no longer allowed.  But what is called corporal punishment was still the norm in families.  Mom used her hand (although her real weapon was her voice), but real punishment came from dad and his belt.  That hurt!  By the time  was a parent that was considered wrong, though there were some who advocated use of a wooden spoon to behind (never made sense to me and far to damaging).  Mostly you were supposed to discipline through reason and discussion.

   I'm to practical a parent.  I left the verbal punishment to my husband who was an attorney.  I handled most of the day to day discipline anyway.  When my kids were old enough (say 5) they would get 3 swats on their bare behinds with my bare hand.  It hurt both of us.  I forced myself to stop at 3.  Kept me under control as well.  The exception was if they lied to me as well.  They they got an additional 3 swats.  And a strong verbal explanation of what they had done and why it was wrong.  For many years it worked.  I probably would get reported to Child Protective Service now.

   I'm not saying you should discipline the way I did.  But don't be afraid to go against the popular methods.  Do research.  But more importantly, study what works for your children.

   Generally though, I am a big proponent of the carrot vs. stick method.  AKA positive vs. negative reinforcement.  I am also a big fan of making children aware of the consequences of their actions.  I can remember conversations with my son, asking him whether he wanted to be a happy boy or a sad boy?  Eventually he figured out that the happy boy route hurt less and was more rewarding.

   I do believe in letting kids make choices.  How else do they learn? Having clear end results of those choices is good.   If I decide to do or not do X, what will happen?  And most kids can figure that out.  A good example is that of my son and table manners at restaurants.  It's a common battle.  I believe kids should be able to behave in public, as long as parents do their jobs (distracting the kids if the wait is too long, etc.).  The turning point for my son was one trip to Albuquerque just before Christmas.  We were in Flagstaff and it was cold.  My son misbehaved beyond warning and I hauled him outside.  Three swats and the customary explanation.  Then back inside.  Later on he explained his thought process. "There I was, my butt was sore, mom was mad at me, again.  My food was cold, again.  What could I do to avoid this, again?"  A moment of enlightenment, "Oh, I could behave when we're out for food!"  And mostly he did.  I'll talk in a later blog of how we helped that process.

   If you can get a child thinking about the consequences, you're halfway there.  Misbehavior at heart is a cry of "I want to do what I want to do!"    

3.  When to bring in the experts?  The clear answer is, when everything you've tried isn't working.  It might not be you or your methods.  There are kids who need more expert help.  Certainly special needs kids need special help.  Don't be afraid to get help if you need it!

      Or maybe it's just one particular issue that's beyond you.  Help can come from school, church, or even via your (or their) doctor.  

Enough for now.  Lots more I can write about, but that will have to come later.

Family Stories - Jack Comes Home

Family Stories

Jack Comes Home

     With the gates of the United States Navy behind him, Jack turned his life towards his future.  First stop was home.  A few things had changed.  Jack found that his relationship with his stepfather Bill had improved.  They had a mutual love of fixing cars.  Jack's love of cars had a long history.  He had a neighbor who was an auto mechanic when Jack was younger.  When Jack was 13 his mechanic mentor was hired to go to Indianapolis as a mechanic for the Indy 500.  The neighbor invited Jack to come along.  Lucille, his mother said no, jack was too young. It was many years before Jack was able to forgive her for that.

   One of the first things Jack did was to find out where Doug was and to start the process of getting him back.  Since Jack wasn't married, social services did not want to change their foster care placement of Doug.  Eventually they did release Doug, but only to Jack with Lucille and Bill.

  With so many veterans returning from the War, things were changing everywhere.  There weren't enough jobs at first, the country was transitioning back to a peacetime economy.  And all those women had to leave their jobs.  The Veterans Administration set up several programs.  Jack took part in most of them.  Job searches, retraining programs, even small amounts of money each week for a certain number of weeks.  Jack spent a lot of time with other former soldiers and sailors.

   Since Jack didn't have a high school diploma he took part in a one year program at his local high school for returning veterans.  My mother-in-law was an underclassman that year.  She said it was odd, but exciting.  Suddenly the War was over and these older young men were on campus, taking classes with them.  These vets drove (often their own cars), smoked, and drank.  They were definitely an adult element on campus.  At the end of the year, Jack and the rest graduated.  Whether or not they really had fulfilled the graduation requirements.

   With graduation in sight, Jack contacted his father about a job.  While Jack and his father got along well, relations with Emma, his stepmother were still strained.  What Jack really wanted to do was to work for the electricians union at the Studio that his dad worked at.  If not, then Jack wanted to work for the electricians union somewhere.  After all, he had been an electricians mate in the navy.  Despite Harry's good standing with his own union, he was unable to secure membership in the electrician's union for Jack.  Nepotism did not cross into different unions. Saddened, Jack started to re-think his future.

   While attending Mark Keppel High School, Jack got to know the teacher who ran the class in printing.  This teacher became a life long friend.  Jack took the printing class and discovered that it suited him.  It was a good mix of hands on with use of his creative talents.  Remember, back then, the field of printing hadn't reached the computer age.  Printing was done on big presses, still using type.  The hand set type (like Gutenberg used) was still used, but most of the type was created in rows by a machine known as a Linotype machine.  Offset printing was still a few years in the future.

   With the help of Mr. Buck, his teacher/mentor, Jack began an apprenticeship program in printing.  A dream was born.  Jack decided that once he reached journeyman status he would work for as many different printing plants as possible.  Someday he wanted to open his own small printing shop in his home town of San Gabriel.  They didn't have a print shop at that time and he wanted that spot.  To get to that dream Jack  had a lot to learn.

   At this time, Jack had become a good looking young man.  He wasn't tall, only 5'6", but he had curly dark hair, laughing blue eyes, and was charming.  And he had a red convertible car.  As was true for most of his life, Jack had a large circle of friends.  Most were vets like him.  Dick Challie had been Jack's friend since childhood in South San Gabriel.   Dick had gone into the Navy about the same time Jack had joined.  Dick came back changed.  Never strong in character (or personality), Dick always been happy to just coast along with life.  His family strongly disapproved of Dick, instead preferring Dick's younger sister who became a school teacher (and a lesbian). Having been around Dick's family, Jack always felt protective of Dick.  After the war Dick became a drinker.

   Dick was lucky enough to attract the interest of a woman named Roxy.  Roxy was just shorter than Dick, blonde and buxom.  Her parents ran the local ballroom and dance school.  Roxy was one of the instructors and she danced like a dream.  When the group went out dancing Roxy was always a star.  Jack loved dancing with her.

   Another friend of Jack's from this period was Dick Garlow.  This Dick became a racer - of speed boats. Dick Garlow was clearly the glamorous part of the group.   Eventually he met and married Joannie, easily the most beautiful woman in the group.  Joanie was originally from Avalon, Santa Catalina Island.  She turned down a proposal from Nicky Hilton, the hotel heir to be with Dick.  Disappointed, Hilton began dating a woman who looked much like Joannie (but without her humble charm), Elizabeth Taylor.

   There were several other guys (and their girlfriends), but one more needs to be talked about here.  Ken Casey was almost the stereotypical Irishman.  Charming as hell.  He was a successful salesman.  Ken fell in love with a woman named Pat.  Pat was quite a character.  Her first husband had given her two sons, but was also a crook.  And a wife beater.  The experience made Pat a tough woman.  Her soon-to-be-ex husband went to prison.  Pat went to work.  She was funny as hell, and a good mother.  I never heard how she and Ken got together, but it was a good match.  He adored her sons and soon forgot they had any other father.  The boys(then very young) were at the wedding.  They insisted on walking down the aisle with their mom.  During the ceremony Ken held the youngest.

   

   As he had intended, Jack finished up his printing apprenticeship.  He went to work for one of the large printing plants in Downtown Los Angeles.  It made no sense to drive, so every morning he would got on the bus in his hometown of San Gabriel.  He soon noticed that a few stops later, in the town of Alhambra a cute blonde got on...

  

Mamma SandySays - School-When and how to interfere

Mama Sandy Says

School - When and How to Interfere

   I had wanted to to write about discipline today, but real life meant I get to postpone that topic for a week.  So instead I want to write a bit more about dealing with the school system.  When should you, as a parent interfere.

   At some point, if your child is attending school (public or private) they will start to complain.  You need to listen.  Listen to what they're not saying as well.  It could be as simple as them forgetting their lunch money that day.  Or it could be something much more serious.  And more than just listening, you need to understand your own child.

   There are so many potential pitfalls in school for a child.  Some they need to work out themselves (with some parental support and advice).  Some they will need help with.   And sometimes our kids need us to go to bat for them, because the problem is too big for them to handle.  Let's look at some of the major topics.

   Problems with friendships:  Mostly these can get worked out without parental intervention.  You need to be aware of who your child is being friends with.  Hopefully you've met the other parents at Back to School Night, at sports, etc., so you have some idea of the other child's background.  If your child does not have any friends you should be checking on that.  A change in schools may be in order.  Advise is good, but mostly let the kids work things out themselves.

   Bullying:  Kids need to know what bullying is and how they should handle it.  Telling the teacher may not be a safe option for them.  They can, and should tell you.  Collect concrete evidence of the bullying (hopefully not just your child).  Make an appointment and talk to the teacher about it.  The teacher may be unaware.  With concrete evidence the teacher can do something.  Hopefully the situation will improve.  If the teacher, however, does not believe you, or downplays the events, then you have some decisions to make.  Include your child in the decision making process.  You may include the parents of other victims.  It may mean going to the principal.  Bullying is wrong in so many ways.  If your child cannot handle it on his own, then you as a parent must step in.

   Discipline problems at school:  If there are discipline problems at home as well, then you have some patterns that might need the help of professionals to deal with.  The school might be a good resource.  However, if your child is fine at home, but constantly in trouble at school, something is going on.  If your child is telling you that the teacher is always picking on him or her, don't discount them.  I had a 4th grade teacher that chose students to pick on.  No valid reason.  But, if your child's stories aren't adding up, then they could be shifting facts to keep out of trouble.  These are big red flags.  why is my kid acting out?  It could be something simple,but it might be a signal of other problems.  A conference with the teacher wouldn't hurt and might even help.  Little Johnny just might not be the angel he pretends to be.  And the teacher will be very grateful for your help.

   Changes in behavior:  This is a big one.  It might signify nothing.  Or it could mean your child is dealing with abuse, drug and/or alcohol use, early onset of mental health issues, or even stuff like anorexia.  Hopefully you have good communication with your child so you can rule out the major stuff.  If it does turn out to be something serious, do something about it!  Tell the school.  They have access to help you might not.  And, depending on the problem, other students might be involved as well.  Don't think that sending your child to a private, religious school will keep them from problems either.  Sometimes I think private schools are better at hiding problems.  I remember when I found out that there was a drug problem with some of the kids in a church we attended.  My kids knew about it, but stayed away from it all, since most involved were older.  It turned out the main pusher was a pastor's son!  They all got the help they needed, but still..

   Academic problems:  I have a pet peeve about schools that only have a few solutions to student's academic problems.  Sometimes holding a student back a year is not the solution to the problem.  As in the case of my son, there were underlying issues that needed to be addressed.  He was undiagnosed ADHD, distract-ability.  Once he got all that sorted out, his academic performance eventually straightened itself out.  That same child just took the LSAT1  Public schools may have to be forced to examine for potential problems.  But they tend to be quick to decide the student is ADHD and want you to medicate them immediately.  Some students need the medication to function in a school setting (I can testify to that as a teacher).  Some may just need the meds for a short period of time.  And some are misdiagnosed and shouldn't be on the meds at all!  Sorry, another pet peeve.

   The short version is that if your child is having academic problems, ask your child why?  Ask the teacher.  If it's not making sense, get a second opinion.  Your medical doctor should be able to recommend a good child psychologist or education evaluator.  Your child needs help, get it!

There are a bunch more topics,bu that's all I have time and energy for tonight.  ask me in the comments section if there are any you'd specifically like my opinion about.

Family Stories - Joan Comes to California

Family Stories

Joan Comes to CA

     By the time the War ended, Vincent was hardly working.  His diabetes and related health problems were getting worse.  His doctors warned Vincent that the New York winters were going to kill him if he stayed there.  So the family made plans to move out to CA.

   Ralph, Bette, Alice, and Del were already out there.  In fact, they had sent some of their more fragile items with Del when he drove out earlier.  They shipped some stuff, but it was a bare bones move.  Joan doesn't remember much of the bus ride out.  Mostly she was busy taking care of her father.

   When they arrived, Ralph and Bette were waiting for them.  They had rented a house in Highland Park (somewhat close to where Ralph was going to college) that had a smaller  2 bedroom house behind it.  Louise was 19.  She had been able to attend her first year of college in New York, but there was no money now, so Louise got a job.

   Joan was 17 and only 6 months from high school graduation in New York.  Dutifully, a few days later she walked over to the local high school to register.  To her shock she found out that since she was a transfer from New York there were several more classes she had to take.  The 6 months had stretched to an additional year and a half.  This was not at all what Joan had in mind.  She asked about alternatives and found out about night school and the GED exam.

   To Joan's surprise, her mother refused to let Joan go to night school.  Ruth was adamant about Joan doing the year and a half of classes.  Ruth's stand never did make sense to Joan.  Joan tended to be a very easy going person, but this was one of her lines in the sand.  Ruth insisted, Joan refused.

   Furious, Joan took to bus to her older sister Alice's house.  At this time Alice and Murray had 2 small children and a 3rd on the way.  After listening to Joan, Alice came up with a mutually beneficial solution.  Alice offered Joan room and board is she would help with chores and childcare when Joan wasn't at work or at school.  Joan would have to share her room with the new baby (Colleen) when she came, but Joan felt that was easier than sharing a room with her sister Louise.  Deal!

  Within days, Joan was living with Alice - to Ruth's amazement.  It worked well. Due to their age difference, Joan had not had a chance to get to know her oldest sister before this.  They formed a friendship that lasted the rest of their lives.  Joan learned how to get along with Murray.

   Back in New York, due to Ruth's insistence, Joan was not in a college prep high school program.  Ruth insisted that Joan learn secretarial skills so she would be able to support herself.  What Joan really wanted to do was to become a nurse, like her mom, but that didn't happen.  But her high school bookkeeping was useful. In a very short time she had a job in downtown Los Angeles.  Her primary employer was the Burroughs company. Since she didn't drive, she took the bus every day.

   Joan took her final high school classes in night school.  And then took and passed her GED.  When Burroughs offered additional bookkeeping classes on their new machines, she took those. She didn't stop there.  She continued to take night school classes in a variety of topics for most of her adult life.

   She had a social life too.  Her brother Ralph was going to college, but still played in bands, mostly on weekends.  Quite often she would hang out with Bette, eventually ending up at the club Ralph was playing at.  Ralph always made it a point to announce that his "baby sister" had arrived.  Joan didn't have any problems with the guys in the band.  In fact, they protected her and teased her like a kid sister.

   Joan began dating.  They were mostly simple dates, but sometimes she would go with a date to the club Ralph was playing at.  She did like to dance.  Joan always warned her dates not to dance too close to the band.  She knew that bunch of jokers were likely to embarrass her and her date.  Mom told me about one time a date disregarded her request about the band. Sure enough, the guys spotted her.  Not only did the guys in the band make comments about Baby Sister Dating, the also had the spotlights on mom.  That was the last date with that guy!  My own children sometimes tease Joan about going clubs when she was underage.

   One of the men mom dated worked at a used car lot.  He would pick Joan up in a different car every time.  She had to stop dating him when people started talking about how she was dating a different man every night!

   Joan was busy, but enjoying herself.  She had her "girls nights" with Alice where they would sew, iron, or just relax with a new magazine, maybe some chocolates, or even a bottle of beer.  She indulged in her desire for new things by working at a poling place during an election.

   But what about Louise?  Well, after Joan moved out their mother Ruth began trying to get Louise to help with Vincent.  Not Louise's idea of fun.  But she worked and made new friends in CA.  Eventually she found her ticket out from under mom, in the form of a man named Paul who was studying to be a high school chemistry teacher.  They married when Louise was 23.  Wisely, Paul had gained his teaching credential by then and took a job in Bakersfield, just far enough away to keep Ruth out of his hair.  It was a successful marriage.

   Joan hadn't met her Mr. Right yet, but he was right around the corner.  In fact, he would be riding the bus very soon.

Mamma Sandy Says - School Choices

Mamma Sandy Says

School Choices

This week I'm starting to look at various topics relating to raising kids.  Starting with choices regarding schooling.

  Your child has now turned 3 years of age.  He or she is no longer a baby or toddler. They're a small person.  The thought occurs "Soon it will be time for school.  What do we do now?"  Indeed, what is best for your child?  Besides having survived the raising of my own children, I'm also a teacher with a fairly broad experience of different types of schools.  So here are my opinions.

   As a parent, your goal is to get the best possible education for your child.  but what is best for your child?  I'll look at various options, but first I want to challenge standard thinking a bit.  I'm of the belief that what is best for your child should be examined every year.  No one school type is perfect every year.  A true story as an example.  I knew a family who home schooled their two children.  Mostly it worked well for them.  As Christians they prayed every year about their children's education.  When the daughter was nearing 5th grade they received guidance that the daughter (and not the son) should attend the local Christian private school for that year.  She did so, but returned to home schooling after that.  The mother admitted that the one teacher filled a need in her daughter that she herself couldn't.

Let's look at options:

Public schools - Where you live usually decided which public school your child is supposed to attend.  Start checking early.  Ask other parents whose children have already attended there.  What is good and bad about that school?  Also ask about specific teachers.  Some will be better for your child than others.  Remember, the teacher that was great for your first child may not be for your second.  Can you transfer your child to a different (and better for your child) school in the district?  Are there specialty schools in the district and what are the requirements?

   Some school districts are ok with transfers.  Others are not.  If your local schools are bad, consider moving, it that's an option.  I knew I didn't want my children attending public school at the middle and high school levels in the town they started elementary school in.  We moved to a city with excellent schools before they started middle school.  The schools were so good that I had parents (from the neighboring city) asking if they could use my address to get their kids registered for school.

Private schools - Private schools run the gamut.  Do your research.  They are not free.  Schools based on religious beliefs are most common.  Most Roman Catholic churches have ties to all levels of schools.  Prices and quality vary.  There are also academic schools.  Think prep schools.  They tend to be pricey.  Students may or may not live on site (boarding school).  Military schools are not as popular as they used to be, but they are still around.  Again, pricey and may also be boarding schools.

   Lots of things to look at with private schools.  What is their focus?  Beyond the focus, does the school provide a balanced education?  Do their values mesh with theirs?  Once you have a child in attendance there keep a close eye on some key things.  Are they happy?  Is your child making friends?  How is the homework load?  Is it appropriate?  Is your child getting the education they need or are you having to suppliment?

Home schools - This is a tough topic.  Home schooling has gotten a bad reputation in a lot of places.  It tends to be popular with religious groups and in rural areas.  I believe, if handled correctly, home schooling can be a good option.  However, there are some specific problems.

    1.  The level of education.  A lot depends on whether it's just one family educating their own children, or a group of families that have built their own home schooling district.  A larger group is better, but there is a real problem with curriculum.  They don't have the exposure to the variety of textbooks available.  The materials they choose may not be what is best for their specific child.  Especially if there are any special needs.  Also, the teachers are not professionals.  

  2.  Lack of socialization.  I can always tell seeing groups of students on a field trip which ones are coming from a home school group.  They aren't used to walking in lines. Home schooled kids don't generally learn how to survive recess.   A good home school group I knew of insisted that the children  in the group also be involved in outside activities such as sports.  They also had group activities every week.  A bad home school experience will keep the student isolated and impair social skills.

  3.  Inability to diagnose special needs.  This is a serious problem.  Many home school groups do annual testing (mostly to prove to the local public schools that the kids are learning what they're supposed to), but that doesn't spot problems.  Parents aren't usually trained teachers.  I know of a case where a home schooled student was not diagnosed with a learning disability.  The student was smart, and was able to get around the problem until they tried to attend regular college.  That student could have gotten a waver (or help) with the problem, but with no diagnosis, no proof and no help.

Charter schools - This is a new development in education.  The format is still in formation.  It seems to be a form of private school, so it's not free (unless it's government sponsored).  Depending on the school, it can be with real teachers and classrooms, but it can also be packet and/or computer based, with little actual teacher contact.  Buyer beware.  Do your research!  Charter schools seem to be springing up most often in areas where the public schools are not doing well.  A good charter school also includes some activities and encourages students to take part in activities off campus.  Smarter students seem to do well.  There have been cases of substandard educations, especially in inner cities.

Continuation schools - To be frank, these are the places that public schools send the students that don't fit in to the standard schools.  Usually only high school level only.  It's a catch-all.  And often just temporary.  Often the goal is to get a student back up to level (or to demonstrate consistent proper behavior) so they can return to regular school.  This is where you will find pregnant girls, discipline problems, kids with drug and/or alcohol problems, and kids with diagnosed or undiagnosed mental problems.  And sometimes a student that just can't attend a regular high school.  I knew a teen who was a guitarist in his older brother's rock band.  The band was doing well, so the student was out very late with performances, recording, etc.  Continuation school worked for him.

   Each school district handles continuation slightly differently.  The district I work for has two school sessions daily, morning and afternoon.  The morning students get a mix of packet work and real classes.  The afternoon classes are purely packet, with a supervising teacher, but no instruction.

   A continuation student can get a high school diploma, or go for his GED.  However, there are often no lab facilities, so no classes like chemistry.  This is a problem if the student wants to go to a 4 year college.  Without a lab science, college won't except them and they will have to attend a community college first.  Some continuation schools will let college bound students take lab classes at a local high school.

   A few thoughts from my own experiences.  A good public school is a blessing.  My son started out in public school in a city with a very large school district.  He was correctly identified as being Gifted in the first grade.  From then on, that district mismanaged his education.  I ended up removing him from public school and placing him in a religious private school.

   The private school was better.  The level of education did not meet his needs and we had to supplement a lot, but they did correctly diagnose some learning problems, which the public school didn't.  They worked with us.  My daughter went straight to the private school.  She fared better socially, but was also bored academically.

   By the time my son reached middle school age we had moved to a town with excellent schools.  We had him placed in the GATE (Gifted and Talented Education) program there, which consisted of GATE classes of English and social studies.  It was a very good fit.  He found kindred spirits that became his friends for many years.  It was a good fit for my daughter as well.

   The high school GATE program consisted of Advanced Placement classes only, which was not a good fit for either of my children.  But again, every child is different.

   I do like the GATE program, generally.  Technically, any child who qualifies for GATE is a Special Education child and should have an IEP, but most school districts don't bother.  District start their GATE programs at different times.  Some as early as first grade.  Do your research.  Is your child happy and well rounded?  Is he socializing well?  Is he happy?

Good luck!

I want to mention that I will respond to questions, not only about the specific topic, but other topics as well.

Family Stories - Jack in WWII

Family Stories

Jack in WWII

   Jack sailed out of San Francisco Bay, leaving behind a drawing he sent to his mother, Lucille (which I now have).  It was a long ship ride and eventually he and his fellow SeaBees arrived on Saipan.  That island was in the mopping up stage after invasion by allied forces.

   Before too long, Jack and other SeaBees were given new orders (and another round of shots).  Code named Operation Iceberg.  The soldiers were not told where they were going until after they were aboard ship.  Okinawa.  This was in April of 1945.

   The SeaBees were some of the first personnel off the ships.  Their job?  To build docks so the ships could come in, instead of having to send landing vessels.  My dad reported that they were doing this under almost constant fire from the enemy.

   Now I've read the history about this battle.  It officially went from April 1st to mid June.  Highest number of casualties in the Pacific War (not counting the a bomb).  But these are the stories from my father, who was there.

   He went from building docks to building the air strip (so planes could land, of course) to building buildings, water systems, etc.  A never ending list of thigs to make and fix.

   One of Dad's favorite stories happened early in the conflict.  Since the SeaBees hadn't had time to build water pipes to the main camp from the fresh water source yet, everyone coming up from the docks were required to help haul water. One day dad was hauling two big containers of water, coolie style.  He was with several others, doing the same thing. Now snipers were a real problem, so officers were ordered to hide their rank insignia at that time.  Coming down the hill was a brand new naval officer.  Full uniform and everything.  Since my dad's arms were full, he didn't bother to salute.  This clearly new officer took offense and started yelling at my father.  With a sigh, an older man behind my father put down his load and walked over to the young officer.  He flipped down his cap to reveal that he had the rank of Admiral.  Even the officers had to haul water.  As my dad stood and listened in silent glee, the Admiral chewed up the new officer.  Everything from reminding him that he was out of uniform to comments about his intelligence and personal habits.  The admiral concluded by ordering the young officer back to his ship to await the Admirals further orders.  Dad said he never saw that young officer again.

   Some of the historical reports talk about the psychological problems at Okinawa.  This battle had the highest percentages of what was then called "battle fatigue."  The almost constant firing of the guns (both Allied and Japanese), the harsh conditions, and the sheer horrors of war combined to cause problems in record numbers.  My dad didn't talk about that much, but he did relate stories of men in his unit who lost all their hair overnight, or had their hair turn green, due to stress.

   Jack didn't come home with a lot of psychological problems, but he did deal with malaria.  Like so many other veterans of the South Pacific, he came down with the disease there and had re-occurrences throughout much of his adult life.   I remember a few of those malaria bouts from when I was a child.

  Dad didn't talk about the Okinawa natives much.  Partly, I suspect because he didn't want to remember what he had seen.  The Japanese had made slaves of the Okinawa natives.  One third of the native population was either killed or committed suicide.  The Japanese were known to use the natives as human shields.  Horrors indeed.

When the information about the Navajo Code Talkers, the super secret radiomen of the war was released my dad realized that he had been around one of the Code Talkers at times.  To my dad, he was just another radioman.  Jack didn't realized that the radioman was Native American.  If dad had thought anything about it, he probably would have classified him as some sort of Hispanic.  My dad didn't think anything about the Code Talkers armed escort either.  At the times my dad saw him, Jack was a little busy - trying to build something while dodging bullets.  If an armed guard meant that the radioman could get them help, dad would have been fine with that.

   The official invasion was over before the end of June.  It had been a bloody, muddy, long time.  There were still Japanese soldiers hiding out in the caves (some stayed there for years), but mostly it was peaceful.  The island was being transformed into a stepping stone for the next part of the war - the Invasion of the Japanese mainland.

   Jack finally got news from home.  His beloved Betty had died.  After escaping the tyranny of Lildon and her father by marrying Jack Danley, she had given birth to her son, Doug.  Unfortunately, one day while she was home alone with Doug(then almost 3 years of age) she had a grand mal seizure and choked to death.  Jack Danley dumped Doug with the local social services and left town.  he eventually surfaced in Illinois where he lived off a series of women for the rest of his drunken life.  Jack, hearing the news about Betty and Doug, telegraphed him mother and grandmother, asking them to take Doug in.  Jack promised to pay what he could for Doug's care and to take over raising the child once he got home.  I am sad to report that these two women could not find it in their hearts to care for their relative by marriage.  Doug went into the foster care system, where he stayed until his teen years, when Jack was finally able to convince social services to let him care for Doug

Back on Okinawa Jack and most of the rest of the SeaBees were getting new orders.  Operation Olympus.  As usual, they had no idea where they were going, but most were pretty sure it was going to be the Japanese mainland.  They got new kits and a new round of shots and waited.

   Note:  Jack was diagnosed as being highly allergic to the tetnus vaccine in later years.  The doctor who diagnosed it concluded (probably rightly) that getting all those shots, over and over again was probably the cause.  Jack wore a medic alert tag the rest of his life due to that.

     Many years later, my dad found out (in an American Legion magazine of all places) that he was indeed scheduled to go to the Japanese mainland on the next invasion.  The predicted casualty rates were horribly high, especially for soldiers like the SeaBees, who would have been amongst the first to land.

   But the invasion didn't happen.  The United States dropped the atomic bomb instead.  I find it odd that I am grateful to the atomic bomb for my existence.

Since he wasn't involved in the invasion of Japan, Jack was still on Okinawa in October, 1941, when a massive Typhoon (given the English name of Louise) hit.  There had been smaller typhoons in the area in June and September, so the allies had started preparing for them.  But there was no preparing for this one.  I think now it would be considered a super typhoon.  

   The physical toll was massive.  Many of the buildings built by the Seabees were flattened - approximately 80% of the housing on the island was gone.  At least 12 ships in the area were fatally damaged, with many more needing repairs. Officially the winds were measured at 100-120 mph and it rained heavily for over 20 hours.  I say officially about the winds because my dad said that the winds went beyond the 200 mph wind gauge.

   Since he was a Seabee, jack was involved in the typhoon preparation work.  He was in fact, up in a crane, doing last minute work when the first heavy winds hit.  The crane quickly became an unsafe place to be and my dad slowly climbed his way back down to the ground.  He never forgot the terror of that climb and was in fact, afraid of heights for most of the rest of his life.

  Once on the ground Jack began to look for a place to be safe during the storm.  The new buildings were already beginning to blow away.  The troops were told to find a cave, a ditch, anything.  And good luck.  The first few caves my dad tried to get into were already full of troops and natives.  Finally Jack found a family burial cave where he and several other soldiers waited out the storm.  He told me that if it hadn't been such a strong typhoon he never would have been in that place.  Too eerie!

   The storm did eventually move off and the Seabees went back to work. Rebuilding.  Eventually new orders came in and Jack found himself on a boat headed for Japan as part of the Occupation troops.  He didn't like Japan and didn't talk about it much.  I always wondered how much the anti-Asian propaganda he had grown up with had affected him. 

   Jack was glad to finally be on a boat going home.  It took what seemed like a long time.  A ship full of men with nothing to do but gamble and talk.  Mostly talk.  In retrospect, Jack always thought his ability to fit back in the peacetime world back home had a lot to do with those weeks talking to other men with similar experiences.  It was an early version of what is now known to be one of the more effective ways to deal with ptsd.

  Dad was finally released from active military service at the Navy base in San Diego, CA.  Almost every time we visited San Diego, he always insisted in driving by the base.  He would point out the gate where he had walked out a free man.

   All of the returning soldiers and sailors were told not to tell their families about their war time experiences  That the families back home just wouldn't understand and it would shock them.  Dad said he tried a few times, but he found that others just didn't want to hear about the reality of the war.  It is no surprise to me that Jack's friends after the war were mostly veterans like himself.