Momma Sandy says - Kids and Vacations, Part 2

Momma Sandy Says

Kids and Vacations, Part 2

or how to survive travel with the family

     In the prior blog I talked a lot about pre-planning and involving the entire family.  Time to talk about other related stuff.

   I did mention options in vacation housing.  And there are a lot of them.  Where you stay will have a lot to do with what you are doing on the vacation. But whatever you choose there are some things to think about:

Motel/hotel-probably the most common travel residence.  They can range from really cheap, God awful places you shouldn't haven't taken your kids, to luxury hotel suites.  And everything in between.  Do your research before you make your reservations.

Bed and Breakfast - I like these places.  Mostly I've had good luck with them.  They can be amazing.  Also a bit more expensive.  Younger children may be a bit risky, especially if the place has antiques.

Rented houses - Especially near vacation destinations (like Disneyland), these are homes of varying sizes that are fully furnished and for rent for varying prices.  Prices can be high, especially in peak travel seasons, but for travels with children they can be really a blessing.  Again, do your research.

Staying with relatives - Depending on the relatives it can be wonderful, or it can be awful.  Staying with my mom, a joy.  The same thing with relatives in WA state.  In fact, most of my relatives are good to stay with.  Others aren't so lucky.  I've heard so many horror stories.

Camping - I've had some amazing adventures camping, either in a RV or in tents.  I recommend it.  However, I also understand that a vacation that only consists of camping has issues.  One road trip we took alternated a few days of camping with a day at a motel.  I insisted that the motel have a swimming pool and laundry facilities.  After arrival my husband took the kids to the pool and I had about 2 hours of child less bliss while I washed clothes.

Dude ranches, cruise ships, vacation resorts, etc. - Do your research.  They can be amazing.  Make sure that there will be children their own ages.

   A potentially troublesome issue is packing.  As adults we know to research.  What will the weather be like?  How long will we be gone?  Etc.  We can begin to teach our kids these skills.  Once they are old enough, we can guide our kids to create a Packing List.  Once that Packing List is completed to parental satisfaction it can be used in the actual packing process.  More mature kids can list and pack their own stuff.  Note:  checking their packing is probably a good idea.  I remember one trip to Boston in November when I failed to check my son's suitcase.  He hadn't packed a single pair of long pants.  He was a bit of an icicle until we spent unexpected money for new clothes.

Some ideas:  Every time we prepared for a trip I would pick up a few new (small) toys and some new books.  The kids might find out what they are ahead of time, but they couldn't actually play with them until we were out of the driveway.  If it was going to be a long trip, I'd have a second set of toys stashed away.

   We would also keep an eye out for bookstores along the way.  Or interesting stores that might have good books for toys.  Take time for unexpected adventures.

Travel tips for various age groups:

Babies - Babies take a lot of stuff with them.  And they take a lot of maintenance.  A lot of time.  Unless you have to, try to avoid long trips with them

Toddlers - With planning they can become good travelers.  You will probably want to try to keep them on their schedules.  If it's an auto road trip, plan on having an adult next to the toddler the whole time.  They will need to be entertained, fed, etc.  Bring a mix of old and new toys.

Pre-schoolers - They can be good travelers.  Remember to bring snacks.  And remember that they will need more frequent bathroom brakes.

Elementary school kids - These are the kids that will enjoy the license plate game, etc.  Keep them busy when they get bored.  This is the age that will ask, "Are we there yet?"  When they'd start that I'd tell them how far it was to our next destination and how fast we were going.  I'd make them do the math and figure out how long it would take to get there.  And then they had to figure out what time we'd get there.  Finally I'd tell them they couldn't ask me "Are we there yet?" until about 10 minutes after we were due to arrive.

Junior and senior high age kids - This is the "I'm bored" age.  Few things are worse than traveling with a sulky teen.  This is where the pre planning to include stuff for them helps.  Teens need to spend time with other teens.  Even if it is only via computer.  I remember when we did a family cruise to Alaska.  We chose a cruise line that promised a high percentage of teens.    We insisted on seeing our kids once a day at the minimum.  Mostly they traveled in a pack with the rest of the teens.  My ex and I went ashore every chance we could, having amazing adventures.  Our kids only went ashore once.  And that was to eat at McDonalds and to use a cyber cafe.  And they were happy.

   Final advice:  Plan ahead and have fun!

Family Stories - New stories from Doug

Family Stories

New Stories From Doug

   One of the great things about having my adopted brother Doug visit this week has been the chance to swap family stories  I've got some new ones about my dad.

   To keep things straight, Doug and I are not blood kin.  His blood grandfather married my blood great=grandmother.  He's 13 years older than me.  Doug's mom, Betty, was the older sister my dad never had (though they were actually step cousins).  Doug's mom died when he was 3.  My dad was overseas fighting WWII at the time and asked his family to take Doug in, since Doug's dad had pretty much vanished.  There were a few gaps, due to Doug being in the foster care system (because of his dad), but mostly Doug lived with us once my parents got married.  So he has always been my brother.  He was a career Marine and now lives in Alabama with his second wife.  Now on with the new stories!

1.  When my dad (Jack) came back from WWII Doug was grade school age.  Jack and his best buddy, also a vet were planning on going to the beach.  Doug begged to go along with.  The guys agreed with the understanding that Doug would be obedient.  They got down to the beach and Neil, Jack's buddy saw this beautiful young woman.  Neil started talking her up.  He was convinced this would be a great date.  Seeing this, Jack calls Doug aside and asked him to do something.  Doug idolized Jack and would probably have done about anything for him at that point.  So Doug ran up to Neil, yelling loudly, "Daddy!  Where's Mommy?"  Doug thought Neil was going to strangle him.  Then Neil looked over and saw Jack about falling over laughing.  Despite that, Jack and Neil were friends until after Neil's marriage.

2.  Now my dad, like his father, was a professional photographer.  I remember the photography he did for the newspaper (lots of auto accidents and other news worthy events).  He also did publicity photography for various civic group.  That stuff I remember.  I sort of remember seeing some of what I now know would have been portfolio shots.  But I didn't know about the following...

   One time while Doug was on leave from the Marine Corps (he was probably about 19 at the time), Jack told Doug to come with him on a photo shoot in Hollywood.  It turned out to be a place where young women would model photographers (for a fee) in this large studio.  Most of the women were fully clothed.  A few would remove their shirts and pose in their bras and regular clothing.  To Doug's utter amazement, the first woman Jack talks to is very soon nude.  Jack took a bunch of photos and then moved on to another woman.  That woman was soon nude as well!  It went on like that the whole time they were there.  Jack acted like it was nothing unusual.  Then they went home where Jack processed his film.  Just another example of the charm my father had.

Note:  My mother had to have known about all this.  My dad didn't try to hide any of his photography.  I was not allowed into his darkroom at times, but that makes sense.  I suspect that Jack was very upfront about his nude shots with Joan.  He wasn't interested in any of them sexually.

While I'm writing about my dad and his photography I should include the story of the Maritain Bandit.  When I was very young and my father was doing a lot of photography for the local newspaper, he was also doing some photography for the local police department.  He got to know many of the officers on the force.  Some he liked and considered friends.  Some he considered to be bad cops, including the Chief of Police, but that's another story.  As this story opens, there was a bandit that had been robbing local businesses, wearing a space alien costume.  The police were having no luck capturing this guy.  It was during the 50's and space alien horror films were all the rage.

   One day a friend on the force and my dad were talking about the case and the officer began to see a pattern.  If he was right, the Alien Bandit was due to hit at a specific time and in a general area.  So the officer and Jack (with camera)  were at the location in the predicted time and they saw a man putting on the alien mask, preparing to enter another local business.  Success!  The suspect was searched and the "alien ray gun" used in the other robberies with on him.  Flash! Went the camera.  The man was convicted and the Alien Bandit was never seen again.  The officer became famous for the normal 15 minutes.  He did get a bump in rank out of it.  And since it was a slow news day, Jack's photo made it to the national news feeds.

Momma Sandy Says - Kids and Vacation

Momma Sandy Says

Kids and Vacation

   First off, I want to apologize for the delay on this.  Life happens...

Taking your children on vacation with you can be wonderful.  It can be hell.  And often, it can be somewhere in between.  In my opinion, pre-planning is a big key.  And training your children to be good travelers.

   I can hear the question now - at what age can I take my kids with me?  The answer is:  with proper planning, at almost any age.  I will state that I am not a fan of taking newborns and very young babies on trips.  At that age they require a lot of attention.  And are more vulnerable to disease.  They like routine and travel is usually anything but.  I understand the need to take the new baby to visit relatives who cannon come to you, but much more planning needs to happen.  And you need to understand that this is not really a vacation for you.

Side note:  Babies and altitude.  Remember when you were on an airplane and a baby started crying soon after take off and it took forever for the parents to settle that kid down?  Well, if you're flying with a baby, that could be you.  The most common cause for this is the atmospheric changes, especially on take off and landings.  That you can do something about.  The key is to have a bottle ready.  As soon as take off starts, give the baby the bottle (or breast).  Swallowing will help their inner ears adjust to the pressure differences.  Usually they cry because their ears hurt.  You can encourage small children to swallow with a small snack and water during take offs and landing.  You're welcome.

   As I stated in the beginning, pre-planning is really important.  By this I don't mean planning every second of the vacation.  Micromanaging is not often conducive to a good vacation.  What I'm talking about is researching and thinking about options well ahead of time.  What are potential problems?

   Here's a radical idea - what about including the entire family in the vacation planning?  Of course, age and maturity is a factor in this.  Let's look at what I'm talking about.  A family conference is called, maybe after recovering from the last vacation.  After a quick discussion of what worked and didn't (and why) from the last vacation, open the floor to suggestions for the next family trip.  You might be surprised what your kids come up with.  Write down all the ideas.  

   As parents, your job is to research the initial costs of each idea.  Do not immediately throw out any idea of your children.  A trip to Antarctica does sound cool, but the cost and time required will get it removed from the list at the next family meeting.  Don't forget to put in your own ideas as well.

  At the next family meeting, start by reminding the family that they only have x days to be away.  So while a road trip to every Cedar Fair theme park in North America does sound like fun, there's just not enough time.  However, visiting one of the parks may be possible with another idea.  Then remind the family that there is a travel budget.  If the travel costs alone are more than Y, then  it needs to not happen this year.

   What ideas are left?  Is it possible to combine some of the ideas?   Could you combine a road trip to historic sites with visiting family and a theme park or two?  At this point two things should be happening.  There should be some excitement happening, and there should be some clean favorites.

  If there is no clear favorite choice, time to research.  You should have a pretty good idea what each of your children would most like to do on a vacation.  What options for these are available for each choice?  The older, more computer literate children can start to research what there is to do with each choice.  Even younger ones can be involved (with help).  Guide books, either bought or from the library can be looked at.  Also, some libraries will have children's books about specific cities and states.

   Talk to your children about housing options.  Do they want to camp?  Stay with relatives? Motels?  Some combination of the above?  What about a few days at a resort or dude ranch?

   The important thing is that your entire family is invested in this vacation.  It's not just mom and dad deciding everything.  Your children should be willing to compromise (especially if you've already taught them this important negotiating skill).  They will probably be willing to visit Great Aunt Gertie if it means they get to go to the super huge comic book store in the next town.  Or whatever makes them happy.  

   So you have struck decision.  Is it time to make reservations yet?  Almost.  Have you researched how you're getting there yet?  Flying is faster for distances (and necessary for overseas), but also expensive and restrictive.  I'll give you my tips for flying with children later.  A road trip can be the way to go., but remember to not plan on too many hours driving per day.  Remember, all of you have to survive this!  What about a train trip?

   And where to stay?  Start mapping out the days.  Remember, A plan is just a place to start deviations from.  If you plan on doing any camping, make a note to list the camping gear needed.  Visiting family?  Remember, this is family.  Sometimes you will need to stay with them.  Sometimes it's best to not impose and rent a motel room (or 2).  Talk to your family well ahead of time.  It's rather embarrassing to show up to find them gone (been there, done that).

   Now it's time to start making reservations.  Do you need to make reservations for camping?  Any ferry rides?  Any special events?  Start making lists.  Have your kids make lists too.  This is a family adventure!

Next week I'll do into more detail, especially about things to do and to watch out for with kids of varying ages.

Family Stories - Diabetes, Dementia, and Mom's Family

Family Stories

Diabetes, Dementia, and Mom's Family

   Type 2 diabetes is common in my mom's family.  Her dad (Vincent), and his grandmother both had it.  No surprise, since the disease in common in those of Irish descent.  Today I want to look at the disease and its side effects.  Diabetes in itself is not fatal, but it effect the rest of the body.  Here's how it effected mom's family.

Mom's Dad Vincent was diagnosed with type 2 in his 40s.  Due to the lack of modern drugs he was insulin dependent fairly quickly.  His health began to be effected.  In 1945 what was left of the family moved to CA because the doctors felt that one more New York winter would probably kill Vincent.  His health was still fragile and he soon had to retire from working.  Soon after his mind began to weaken.  He gradually became a ghost of man.  He seemed to live in a gray world, disconnected with this one.  He died of pneumonia in 1963 at the age of 79 years old.

Mom's mother, Ruth, was not diagnosed with diabetes until very late in her life.  Interestingly enough, her short term memory problems began before she was diagnosed.  The family began to notice it about the time Vincent died.  After she moved to San Diego with Ralph it became more pronounced.  So Ralph moved her in with Mrs. Reed.    Eventually her health erroded and she lived briefly in a convalescent hospital before dying also at age 79.

Mom's oldest sister, Alice, was the only sibling to not be diagnosed with diabetes.  She died at age 70 of cancer.  Both she and Louise had Ruth's physical type.

Ralph, like the rest of his brothers was diagnosed with type 2 when he was in his late 40's/early 50's.  He largely kept it under control, but he neglected his foot care and it became gangrenous, killing him at age 69.

Everett, once he was diagnosed, took his father's disease route.  He retreated further and further into a world of gray.  I remember mom and I visiting him late in his life and watching him fighting to remain in the present in order to talk to mom.  He slid away from us, just like his dad.  Everett's son Gary arranged his work schedule so that he was able to take care of his dad most of the time towards the end.

Del was largely a repeat of Everett, with his mental limitation added.  His family took amazing care of him.

Marion also developed the type two variant of the disease.   However, she missed the dementia.  In her the real damage was to her heart, which eventually killed her.

As of this writing, Louise is alive.  She was not diagnosed with the type 2 diabetes until a few years ago.  She's about 88 years old now and she is having a hard time with the disease.  She's had some heart issues, mostly blood pressure related.  A few years ago she dealt with throat issues, possibly cancer.  Her mind is still clear.

My mom, Joan, seems to be taking the route of her mother, Ruth.  Joan wasn't diagnosed with type 2 until she was 70 years old.  Her short term memory issues began to develop slowly then.  Her diabetes has stayed largely under control (she still doesn't use insulin), but the dementia, like with her mom, is the key thing.  At age 80 the diabetes related dementia accelerated.  

So far, the disease is not as prevalent with my cousins.  My cousin Carol was diagnosed with Type 1 (juvenile) diabetes early.  I believe it was a factor in the death of my cousin Pam.  I remember that my cousin Mary Margaret has it.  We shall see if the diseases continue to the next generation

Family Stories - Joan and her siblings as adults

Family Stories

Joan and her Siblings as Adults

   Joan had different relationships with each of her siblings.

Alice - Joan's relationship with her oldest sister really didn't start until Joan moved out to CA.  Joan ended up living with Alice for about 4 years and that really cemented their friendship.  For the rest of their lives Alice was someone Joan could talk to about her problems.  And Joan was someone Alice could confide in.

Ralph always was a character.  He moved Bette, his wife from New York to CA so he could go to school.  After he graduated they moved with their daughter, Pam, to San Diego for Ralph's internship.  Then up to Fresno, CA for Ralph's medical residency.  Once that was done, Ralph wanted to move back to San Diego to set up his practice.  I don't know what all was going on, but the marriage blew up at that point.  Ralph moved to San Diego and Bette stayed up north, ending up in Santa Rosa.  Ralph took Grandma Connor with her and settled her with Mrs. Reed for several years.  A few years later Ralph married a woman from Hawaii who was also in the medical profession.  I met her and liked her.  Unfortunately this stabilizing influence died after only a few years of marriage due to cancer.  Ralph sort of lost his mind in grief.  

   While Ralph was caught up in his grief Grandma caught her final illness.  Ralph's second wife was Buddhist and had was cremated and the ashes brought back to Hawaii.  After Grandma died Ralph decided that she needed to be cremated as well.  I have never seen my mother that angry in my life!  If she could have she would have driven down there and punched Ralph in the nose.  She knew that her mom would not have wanted to be cremated.  At one point, Grandma had 4 burial plots!  

   It was decided that none of the grandkids would go to the funeral, even though it was local for most of us.  They didn't want any of us to have, as our final memories of Grandma, looking at an urn.  Louise brought Chris and Janis, but that was it.

   Ralph was clearly shunned by the rest of the family for several years after that.  Soon after Grandma's funeral he married his second wife's best friend.  That was a disaster.  That marriage lasted about a year and wife #3 fled back to Hawaii.  Gradually, after that, Ralph found his way back to sanity and the love of his family.  Eventually he married his head nurse/office manager, Arleen, a lovely woman we all came to love.  She stayed with him until his death.  Ralph and mom were close, except for the Grandma insanity years.  At the end of his life, it was my mom Ralph most wanted to have visit.

Everett - After the end of WWII Everett went back to Staten Island.  When the rest moved to CA, Everett stayed.  He had fallen in love and married Jo Amato, another Staten Island native.  Everett had been best friends with her brothers for years.  Unfortunately, Jo was very controlling.  Once Grandma and Grandpa moved to CA, Jo began cutting Everett off from his family.  Marion stated on Staten Island as well, but there was little or no contact.  Everett's children were encouraged to avoid Marion's kids, even though they attended the same schools.

   It was sad.  My mom tried to visit Everett when she and her second husband Bob were in the area.  Jo refused.  I think Louise was the only one to successfully visit.  Jo said no on the phone, but Louise  showed up with her husband and kids and sleeping bags.

   Josephine's domineering eventually caused her two children to leave New York.  Both ended up in CA and were welcomed.  Karen now lives in New Mexico.  Many years later Jo died.  Everett asked his son Gary to come back there and get the house ready to sell.  During the War Everett had stated that he wanted to move to CA and now he was going to do it!  We were all glad to get to know our long lost uncle!  He lived with Gary until he died.

Del - Del moved out to CA before the end of the War.  He had a rough time of it for a while.  Mentally he was permanently around 17 years of age due to brain injuries.  He became an alcoholic for several years.  Eventually he chose sobriety and moved in with Louise and Paul.  He got a job with the school district in the Bakersfield area as a janitor.  Eventually he met the love of his life, Carla.  They were together until he died a few years later.  Though they chose to live quietly up near Fresno, CA, Del, Carla, and my mom had a warm and loving friendship.  After Del died it was mom that Carla wanted staying with her after surgery.  Carla and Louise have had a love/hate relationship for years.

Marion - Since Marion married her high school sweetheart and chose to stay on Staten Island, it was hard for her and Joan to remain friends, bus somehow they did.  I remember Marion and Frank coming out to CA twice.  Good times both.  Mom went to stay with them twice as well.  A lot of love between these two sisters.

Louise - Joan and Louise have always had a complicated relationship.  They truly love each other, but there's also a lot of baggage. They have remained close.

Dementia, Part 3

Dementia, Part 3

   I have decided that having dementia is one of the worst ways to die.  Like diabetes, the disease won't actually kill you, but it affects all parts of your life, for the worse.

  With dementia (or Alzheimer's) any change is bad.  Moving with my mom was a bit of a nightmare.  Suddenly she didn't know where anything was.  And just that suddenly she was unable to use a washing machine or dryer.   Remembering where the apartment trash bins were was almost impossible.  Even going out the door and across the walkway to the mailboxes required my coaching for several months.

   In my mom's case, she apparently has what is called vascular dementia.  Due to her diabetes, the microscopic veins in her brain have thinned.  Sometimes an submicroscopic droplet of blood leaks through.  When that happens it causes what equates to a short circuit in that part of the brain.  In mom's case, it hit the short term memory areas first.  I believe the leakage is still happening because she continues to loose abilities.

  The loosing abilities part is hard.  Once gradually, now faster and faster, mom is loosing the ability to do things that were once easy for her.  She tries to cover the losses up.  When she lost the ability to use her coffee maker she stopped drinking coffee.  The hardest one for her, I think, was the loss of the ability to read for any period of time.  This is my mother who is as big a reader as I.  I should say, was.  I suspect an eye doctor exam would show her eyes are fine.  It's her brain that is not letting her comprehend for any length of time.  She can read her name on her room door.  She can't read a book, or even a magazine.  Reading a card is difficult, though she can read the name of the person who sent it.

   

   One of the worst side effects of dementia is something called Sundowner Syndrome.  It's an even nastier part of the disease.  I have no idea why it happens, but my mom has it.  Some time starting in the late afternoon (though it can start much later or even skip a night or two) it's like a switch is thrown and my mom's brain flips sideways.  My sweet, rational, mostly compliant mother is gone.  In her place is a woman who knows what she wants and does what she thinks is necessary.  All the while she has no idea where she is.  I have lost track of the number of calls I've gotten from mom (mostly while I'm at work) asking me to come pick her up from this strange place she's in to take her home.  And she's standing in the middle of our front room.  Even my being there doesn't stop it.  She has no idea where she is and wants to go home.  Where home is varies.  Usually someplace she lived in the past.

   I always knew there was an emotionally manipulative side to my mom, but mostly she was good at hiding it.  There's no hiding when she's in sundowner mode.  She uses the most pathetic voice she can muster.  And tries to hit all my emotional buttons.  What's saved me is the fact that when she makes these calls when I'm at work, there's nothing I can do.  She's safe, and she just needs to calm herself down and go to bed.  I'd be home as soon as I could.

   Mom with sundowners became a nightmare.  I never knew if she would decide to go outside the apartment complex.  I found her outside twice.  Once she was "looking for me."  Thank God she hadn't started walking someplace to look for me!  It became harder and harder to justify going out at night.  I even had to start limiting my social life during the day.

   All of this is not new.  People have been dealing with dementia for a long time.  What was different for mom and I is that we don't have any family locally to help.  My two adopted brothers and their children are all out of state (Alabama and Arizona).  One of my own adult children lives and works two hours away.  The other lives locally and helps when he can, but he works and has a girlfriend.  So it was pretty much all on me.  

   A month or so after mom and I moved to our new location and the sundowners was really setting in, I knew I was getting beyond my ability to care for her.  So I started looking for help.  It's not easy to find.  I have a minimum wage job and mom just has her social security.  Private care for while I was at work is available. But the cost is more than I make an hour.  There is senior day care, but it's Monday's thru Fridays here, mornings and early afternoons only.  Who would keep an eye on mom when I had to work weekends or evenings?

   I finally got mom signed up for MediCal, since they are the ones who handle the programs to provide in home help.  Six months have now passed and mom is getting steadily worse.  Finally got them out for an evaluation.  All they would pay for was about 52 hours a month!  My head was hurting just trying to figure out some way to get mom cared for.

Finally a ray of hope!  A bout of heart/blood pressure issues ended up with mom in the ER one night in March.  That triggered a care coordinator to be assigned to her.  I was overjoyed to talk to that woman!  She was a good resource source.  But after checking everything she could, even she could only see one option - a nursing home.

   With the trip to the ER, mom, of course, had to go see her regular doctor.  Mom fell asleep on the examining table and the doctor and I had a frank talk.  Mom was clearly worse.  She had, in fact, in the last 6 months lost more than 10% of her body weight.  That's normally when you contact Hospice.  I swallowed deep and asked the doctor how long he thought mom had.  He said, 6 months to a year, though she might surprise us.  He recommended that I look into a nursing home for mom in the near future.  His recommendation - keep her comfortable and happy.

   The funny thing about my mom and her dementia is that she does have times of clarity.  I treasure those.  In those times she was realizing how hard her condition was for me.  Instead of wanting me to promise to never to send her to a senior nursing facility, she was realizing that such a place would probably be the best place for her.

   It was in one of those clearer times that Mom and I toured the Center that is now her home.  She liked it.  She was willing to go there.   Partly because she realized what a burden that would life off me.  In a way, it was one of her last gifts to me.  Also a life lesson.

   So, towards the end of May I moved my mom to the senior nursing home.  After 2 days she wanted out.  Even when she's not in sundowner mode she wants to come back to our apartment.  But I have to tell her no.  She understands that she cannot live unsupervised anymore.  And I have to work.  And to have a life of my own.  Unfortunately for me, she forgets.  We have the same conversation about why she's not coming home several times when I visit her.  It hurts every time.

  It's clear she's continuing to deteriorate.  She's lost more weight.  Her blood pressure continues to be problematic.  In a moment of clarity before she moved she told me that she doesn't know how much longer she's going to be on this earth.  I don't know either.  I continue to mourn the loss of the mother I love.

   Mom's sundowner times continue.  The care center has put what my kids are calling a lojack bracelet on mom.  It lets the Center know if mom decides to solve her problem by getting herself home.  Apparently she has been taking off her PJ's some nights, and putting on day clothes, convinced that I (or someone else) is going to come and get her out of there.  Mom called me one night, convinced that I was her sister and asking me to come get her.  The next day the Center told me that mom wanted her sister's phone number.  Luckily mom can barely use her phone.  Her sister's number is already in there.  When I asked, the nurse told me that mom had been asking at night.  Hello sundowner!  I explained that mom's sister was 2 years older, lived 3-4 hours away, had mostly uncontrolled diabetes, and didn't drive anymore.  Sad.

So yeah, I really hate dementia.  I have no idea how much longer mom will have to go through all this.  At her request, I made sure the DNR orders were clear.  They understand I have the medical, legal, etc. power of attorney for mom.  It is a horrid thing to go through.

Momma Sandy Says - Nature vs. Nuture

Momma Sandy Says

Nature vs. Nuture

   There's always a lot of debate about how the personality, appearance, etc. of a child are formed.  It's the classic nature vs. nurture argument.  I'd like to put my 2 cents in on this one.  In my opinion, a person is formed by nature (genetics), nurture (what he experiences or is taught), environment (what toxins were they exposed to), and something I call the "Surprise!" factor.

   Scientists are getting better at genetics all the time.  Some things they can test for.  They can even give you decent probability for a lot of things.  But a person's appearance is still somewhat unpredictable.  There are just too many variables.  

   For example, both of my parents had blue eyes.  Blue eye color is a recessive gene, therefore it was logical that I have blue eyes as well.  However, the shade of blue in my eyes is not that of either of my parents.  My father was a towhead who eventually darkened to a dark brown before going gray.  I did the same.  But I had red in my hair as well, from my mom.  I think this is why both my kids have red hair - their father was a full redhead.  But the freaky detail is that my body shape is that of my father's mother.  I even have her nose.  How that happens, I don't know, but it does.  Just like my mom has a horrid allergy to bell peppers.  I didn't get that.  But my daughter did.

   Body language can be inherited as well.  When he was less than a day old I realized my newborn son had the same startle motion as his dad.  They walked the same way when they were toddlers too.  We have video footage to prove it.  My daughter, at a young age demonstrated the same "jumping for joy" that I used to do.  My mom verified that.  Interesting stuff.  I have no idea how that happens.

   The nurture aspect is being verified by twin studies.  What happens when you separate identical twins at birth and raise them in different households?  The genetic predispositions are still there, but they are affected by the differing moral and ethical beliefs of their families.  The different life experiences, both good and bad, further affect the individual.  

Maybe I only consider the environmental factors because I believe they affected me.  My parents owned and worked in a small town print shop.  I was exposed invitro and from childhood to toxins from the printing ink.  At less than a year old I developed a combination of asthma, eczema, and allergies (trees, weeds, animal dander, etc.).  I never did outgrow it, despite the hopes of my doctors.  There was no genetic reason for my condition.  I survived the medical problems of my childhood and learned to live with it.  That shaped my personality in ways that genetics and nurture never could have.

Lastly, there's what I call the Surprise! factor.  Sometimes out children turn out in ways that cannot be explained by anything else.  They are not like anyone in the family, even several generations back.  Or their appearance is unexpected.  Just one of those random surprises the universe likes to throw at us.

   So why did I write about this tonight?  For one thing, it's interesting.  I think all pregnant parents dream about their child to come and wonder what it will look like?  Genetics can give hints,  As a child is born and grows, it's always a question of what he or she will be like as an adult.  We like to think about the possibilities.

   But it's also a bit of a warning.  Our children are not scientific experiments.  Or at least, they shouldn't be.  Trying to raise our children to fit a mold we choose is just, plain wrong.    We should guide our children towards being responsible adults.  But forcing them, nope.

Family Stories - Joan and Her Siblings

Family Stories

Joan and Her Siblings

     I've been thinking quite a bit about Mom (Joan) and her relationships with her siblings.  Joan was the youngest of 7.  There was about 2 years between each child.  Alice was the oldest.  She was in high school when Joan was born.

   Joan and her next older sister were born on the farm, the rest in the family home on Staten Island, Borough of Richmond, New York City.  Alice finished high school in the nearby town of Greene, and then went to College.  There was still a little bit of the family money at that point (even though the farm was probably already loosing money at that point), so there was enough for one child to go on to college.  The problem was that Ralph, brilliant Ralph, graduated high school two years early, with Alice.  It was finally decided that Alice should go.  Ralph already had a job as a professional musician.  It would be easier for him to finance his own way through school once he was ready to go.

   I suspect both Alice and Ralph saw this as their ticket to freedom.  Freedom from the never ending work of the farm.  Free from always have to help care for younger siblings.  Free from never ending housework.  Alice went to a college a decent distance from home.  To help pay her way she boarded with a family during the school year.  During the summer she worked at a Tupper Lake resort.  So really, she was only home during the Christmas holiday.  Ralph moved down to New York City.  He came home more often.

   Since her two older siblings were mostly gone, Joan spent her time with the others.  She could have been friends with her sister, Louise, but that was a difficult relationship.  Since Joan's birth,  Louise had been told to take care of Joan.  Louise took that seriously.  It became a lifelong pattern.  Louise and Marion, the next oldest sister were on-again-off-again friends.  When Louise and Marion were getting along Louise would shut Joan out of the relationship.  When those two were on the outs, Joan got to spend time with Marion, who she genuinely liked.

   Joan adored her older brothers.  They weren't bossy like Louise and let her tag along with them sometimes.  One of my favorite stories was one Everett and Mom told.  Ev wanted to go hunting (they needed the meat), but it wasn't the season and they couldn't afford the tags anyway.  Knowing there was a good chance of the game warden showing up he took Joan with him.  She was good company and would help as needed.  Sure enough, soon after Everett had successfully shot some game they heard the sound of a truck coming.  They stashed the game and kept walking.  The game warden stopped them, asking Everett if he had been out hunting?  Everett asked, "Would I do that with my baby sister with me?"  Joan gave the official her best innocent baby sister look.  The game warden let them go.  The two laughed all the way home.  Everett got the game later that day.  Everett spent some time working for the CCC (Civilian Conservation Corps).  He got away from the farm and was able to send a little money home.

  When Joan was 8 the family finally lost the farm and moved back to Staten Island.  Due to their reduced financial circumstances they didn't move back to the wealthier Granitville area of before.  Instead they rented a run down house in the Mariners Harbor section.  There was a shipyard just down the street where Joan's dad was able to find work.  Del worked there too.  Since his motorcycle accident Del was permanently mentally around 17.  So shipyard work worked well for him.  Marion started high school and first met the man who was to become the love of her life.  Even Louise was happier.  On Staten Island there were many, many more people living close by.  She soon developed a close circle of friends.

  Not having the huge amounts of work, the whole family had free time.  Joan's mom became a girl scout leader for Louise and Joan.  Ruth was also working outside the home now, mostly housecleaning.  Eventually she worked her way into nursing.  Everyone worked (except for Louise).  Joan ran errands for neighbors at first, but as soon as she could, she was babysitting.

   1941 their world changed.  On December 7th Mom Ruth was visiting relatives in upstate New York with Everett, who was on shore leave.  All shore leaves were cancelled and Everett had to return to his military unit.

   Alice was out of school at this point teaching.  She had fallen in love, but her fiancee died in the middle of the Atlantic when a Natzi sub sunk the transport.  Ralph had new music opportunities out in California (plus a chance to go to college), so Alice decided to go with Ralph and his bride, Bette.

   With the war Everett was gone.  Marion moved in with her fiancees family.  On his first leave Marion got married.  To support herself Marion went to beauty college.  Joan's mom was still very strict.  She didn't let Joan get her hair done by Marion very often.  Especially not after Marion used the new Permanent machine.  Despite that, Joan and Marion had developed a close relationship.

   Moving to CA when Joan was 17 changed relationships again.  Joan had always gotten along well with Ralph, now she had a chance to develop an adult relationship with him.  The same thing happened with Alice, especially after moving in with her.

   Joan had good relationships with all her siblings.  I suspect it had something to do with the fact that she has always been a sweet, hardworking, loving person.

  

Momma Sandy Says - Sex, Sexuality, and Kids

Momma Sandy Says

Sex, Sexuality, and Kids

I understand that the topic of sex, connected with children is a hot button.  It is for me too.  So much depends on the moral standards of the parents, and the community in which you live.  A parent has to decide how much information they want their children to have-and how they're going to get it.

  I'm going to say right now that I am not a fan of parents having their children pulled out of school health classes that teach about human reproduction, etc.  I've taught some of those classes.  To pull a kid out subjects them to potential ridicule, and leaves them ignorant, unless the parents are willing to do the teaching.  Children need to understand how their bodies work and what the changes they are going through mean.  Scaring the kids a bit about the dangers of sex isn't bad either.  It all depends on how the material is taught.

   What your children know about sex they mostly learn from you.  They can learn the scientific stuff from school, but the important stuff comes from home.  What you teach and what you model.  They can learn that sex is a private thing done between adults.  Personal ethical or spiritual beliefs enter here as well, such as the belief that sex should only be between two people that are married and love each other.

  Unless you install a lock on your door and use it, your kids will see you have sex at some point.  Or at least hear it.  Be prepared.  How are you going to handle it?  And here's a warning. If you want to reduce your children's future psychotherapy time, leave the kinkier stuff for when they're not home.

  Side note for those who have what might be called a "kinkier" lifestyle:  Think about the possible consequences of your lifestyle and raising children.  You can raise children to understand your lifestyle, but what they share with friends could be problematic.  I'm not saying you need to change your lifestyle, but be aware of possible consequences and plan.

   One thing to remember is that your children will think sex is "icky" when they are little.  They will probably always think that sex between their parents is icky.

What to do when they ask "the question?"

First, stay calm.  Your answer is going to depend on some variables.  Why are they asking?  And how old are they?  It might be intellectual curiosity.   It might be trying to understand what the other kids are talking about.  Or it might be something more serious that you will have to deal with.  I know of a case where a young man, about 4 years of age asked about sex.  It turned out he had a girlfriend and he wanted to make sure he didn't get her pregnant, since he knew that was wrong.  The adult did manage not to laugh.

   Which brings up my next point.  Treat their questions with respect.  And answer appropriately.  A very young child may be mature enough to understand what sex is.  It will seem impossibly icky to them.  And they will have no desire to do it, then.  But they probably won't have the maturity to not tell their friends, unless told not to.

When is a child old enough to be sexually active?

In my personal opinion, not until they are an adult (age 18).  However, their are cultural components that may influence this.  Certainly sex shouldn't happen until the individual is sexual and mentally mature to deal with the consequences.  A 14 year old may be sexually able to reproduce, but they are not mentally and emotionally mature enough yet.  Teens should give themselves time to get used to their new bodies and the hormones attached to them.  Teach your teens to be patient.

How to prevent premature sexuality

Keep an eye on your children's friends, especially if they're female.  If couples are starting to pair off, time to talk to your kid.  Here's a sensible one-don't let your teens dress provocatively.  This applies to mostly girls, but guys can do it too.  You are the parent.  Do not let your children dress like street walkers.  I don't like the current fashions for short, short, short shorts.  And I wouldn't have let my daughter wear such.

   Monitor their social media, especially the photos.  I remember rolling my skirts up when I was in high school back in dinosaur days.  How do your kids alter their appearance once they're away from home?

  In a non-threatening way, expose your children/teens to the dangers of being sexually active.  I didn't do it deliberately, but when my kids were elementary school age I was a volunteer driver for a local aids hospice.  Sometimes my kids had to come along.  They got to know some of the patients.  It led to some frank discussions about the dangers of unprotected sex.

When all else fails

   If your child insists on being sexually active under age 16, do what ever you have to in order to stop it.  Rarely are teens that young mature enough to make that choice.  Over the age of 16 things get tricky.  Discuss, educate.  Make sure you know who your children are spending time with.

   Over the age of 18 they are adults.  If they are still living with you then you can have rational, adult discussions about house rules, but they are adults.

In any event,  if you think your child is being sexually active, teach them about condoms.  Have a nonjudgmental box of condoms available.  Do you really want your child having unprotected sex in this day and age, no matter what you think of them being sexually active?

   Do not stick your head in the sand and hope that your children will stay pure until marriage.  Be honest about your beliefs, set the limits necessary for you, but love your kids.  And trust them.