Family Stories - Patterns of Families

Family Stories

Patterns of Families

     Psychology and sociology both look for patterns, both in individuals and in groups of people.  I tend to look for patterns too.  Applying this to both sides of my family, I want to look at some patterns I've found.

   Looking at my mom's (Joan) family I note that there are no known divorces prior to my mom's generation.  Partly this is because divorce was almost unheard of.  Loosing a spouse due to death was much more common.  My Grandmother Ruth had a maiden Aunt (a female relative who never married, but was still part of the family), but everything else was pretty normal.  On my Grandfather Vincent's side the only oddity was the death of Vincent's sister Florence.  What I gather from the family stories (and this was pretty hush-hush) was that Florence had married poorly-possibly a gangster of sorts.  She died very young under mysterious circumstances.

   To find more modern day patterns we have to look at my mom and her siblings for the start of patterns.  From the oldest down:

1.  Alice-her initial fiancee died tragically in WWII.  So instead she married a man who was 4F (could not be drafted) and had 6 kids.  No thought of divorce.

2.  Ralph - Divorced by Betty (1 child), lost second wife to cancer, 3rd wife divorced him, 4th wife stayed with him to the end.

3.  Everett - Married sister of best friend.  Two children, no divorce.

4.  Del - 1 marriage, 1 child, no divorce

5.  Marion - 1 marriage to high school sweetheart, 3 children, no divorce

6. Louise - 1 marriage, 2 children, no divorce

7.  Joan - divorced Jack (infidelity), one child. Outlived second husband, Bob

So only 2/7 divorced (I'm not counting the fact that Ralph was divorced twice).  That's much better than the national average!

Let's take a quick look at their occupations:

Alice:  school teacher (college)

Ralph: professional musician, medical doctor (college)

Everett:  worked for the phone company

Del:  janitor (due to reduced mental capacity)

Marion:  Started off as a beautician, but also had other jobs.

Louise:  school teacher (college)

Joan:  bookkeeper, small business (printer) co-owner, Assistant purchasing agent

Both Vincent and Ruth viewed an education as important.  With the exception of Del, all 7 were bright enough to have attended college.

Now I want to look at the grandkids:

Alice:  Of her 6 kids, all married and only one had a divorce (policeman)

Ralph:  One child who divorced.  Only married due to pregnancy.  Never remarried.

Everett:  Two children.  One never married, the other divorced (abuse) then remarried

Del: One still married

Marion:  One never married (Type 1 diabetes), one divorced (policeman) than remarried, and one still married.

Louise:  Two children still married

Joan:  One child, divorced.

Interesting patterns showing up.  Of the two siblings that did divorce in the first generation, both only had one child and both of those children ended up divorcing.  Both of the policemen divorced, which confirms the stats on the difficulty of staying married to law enforcement.

   But it's still only 5 divorces out of 16 cousins.  Or 5 divorces out of 14 cousins who married.  Both stats are still well below the current norms.

   Do occupations figure into in any of this? Let's look.

Alice:  Two of her children got into real estate sales.  One was a policeman.  One started as a beautician, but moved on to, I believe, interior decorating.  One took over the tile business of his wife's father.  The final one is a successful landscaper.  All of them have had some college.

Ralph:  Like her Uncle Everett, Pam worked for the phone company.  Did not finish college.

Everett:  I don't know what jobs one of my cousin has had, but the other (the single one) has been a major Silicon Valley computer geek since the early days (college).

Del:  The one son has been a college teacher, but now has his own small eco friendly business (college).

Marion:One police officer (college), one medical tech (college), and one office person (some college)

Louise:  One banker (college) and a school teacher (college)

Joan:  one school teacher (college)

Based on that, I don't see any patterns emerging. More college than the prior generation, but that's normal.  

   What I do find remarkable is that there have been no problems with the law and no major mental health issues (besides Vietnam related ptsd).

My dad's family, not such a happy story.  On my father, Jack's paternal side I find blended families due to death of spouses.  Lots of only children being raised together.  And until my grandfather, a tendency to work illegally.    Still, no divorces.  Also no college attendance.

   Jack's maternal side also tends towards only children being raised in blended families.  Dishonesty was frowned upon, though there were other problems.  No college.  Just a lot of hard work.

    Like my mother's family, divorce happened here.  In fact, since both my father's parents were only children, their divorce makes the stat 100% of dad's family for that generation.  Since I was an only child, I technically am 100% for my generation.  Sad.

   The one happy stat for my dad's side is that I am the first person of my direct line to get a college education.  No wonder my dad was so proud of me!

So there you have it.  Two families, two sets of stats.  So far it looks like the next generation of my cousin's children is getting and staying married.  Pretty cool.

Momma Sandy Says - Kids and Big Events

Momma Sandy Says 

Kids and Big Events

   My apologies for not posting last Thursday.  I was out at Comicon in San Diego.  This blog is a bit of a rant, based on my experiences there.

   Comicon is a huge event.  I haven't heard attendance numbers, but 100,000 people daily wouldn't surprise me.  It fills the San Diego Convention Center, uses several local hotels, stuff at the park across the street, and it spills out into the local restaurant district.  Now this event is spectacular.  Not everything is this crazy.  But it bring up several points I want to talk about.

  I think my first question is - why are you bringing your child to this event?  I'm serious about this.  If it's because you want to attend and don't want to pay for a babysitter, bite the bullet.  Either get someone to watch your children or skip the event.  Who brings a toddler to a heavy metal concert?

   Do your research.  What would your child enjoy at this event?  How adult is it?

Plan ahead with your child's needs in mind.  Does he/she handle crowds well?  Know that you may have to spend time in less crowded areas to help your child calm down.

   Know that someone may have to take your child out for a walk while you would probably prefer to be watching/listening, etc.  Kudos to my friend Earl who recognized that the child of the folks he was with was getting antsy during a panel discussion and took the child for a walk.  She was a lovely little Jedi apprentice, but little people want to stay active.

   Bring snacks, small toys, books, etc.  Try to keep your children on their schedule.  If they want to wear a costume (and it's appropriate for the venue), bring a change of clothes.  That is, beyond the clothes change you would normally bring.

   Again, do your research.  Comicon was proactive in helping parents with children.  They had a location to provide help.  And even had a limited day care center for younger children.  Is where you are going having anything like that?  Make reservations if required.

   Above all, be flexible.  A bored and/or cranky child will cause problems.  Plan for that possibility.  Do stuff they want to do as well.

  

Let's look at some specific topics.

Dangers:

   Hugs crowds increase the dangers for children.  Keep hands on your children.  Plan on carrying them if they are light enough when the crowds are especially thick.  School age kids should have an adult with them at all times.  Teen should really, really have a buddy with them at all times if they're mature enough to be apart from you at the event.  Setting up meeting places and times is crucial.  At a place like Comicon, being late because they were in the middle of a gaming session is not acceptable.  Penalties should happen.  And teens need to know that ahead of time.  Your nerves don't need the extra stress.

   The vendor floor at Comicon was crazy.  Too many people!  It would have been so easy to loose a young child.  And if separated from my kid, I'd be freaking out.  Dragon Con in Atlanta, GA was just as bad (just not as big).  My personal recommendation - I would limit when I took a child into such situations.  Only when it wasn't going to be so crowded.

     Strollers are a danger.  Wheelchairs and EV (electric wheel chairs) are difficult enough in big crowds.  Strollers are little.  People can miss them in crowds and run into them or trip over them.  Or the strollers can run into people.  Another reason why I don't recommend bringing babies to big events.

Special Needs:

  Once again, do your research.  Comicon was proactive in helping people with special needs.  They had security alerted to needs as well.  One of my favorite things was seeing people at random places throughout the event with signs stating that they were available to help with ASL (American Sign Language).

   If you have a child with special needs you will know what works for them.  Plan for it.

In conclusion with all this, Don't be stupid.  Do what's right for your child.

Momma Sandy Says - Teaching your Children How to become Adults

Momma Sandy Says

Teaching Your Children How to Become Adults, Part 2

   I made a long list last week about teaching your children how to become adults.  Now it's time to take a closer look at some of the topics.

A.  Understanding money.  At a pretty young age kids can start to learn about money.  Giving your children money that they can spend can take many forms.  Note that there is a difference between money that your children need to pay their expenses and money you gave your children for their own choices.

   Often this money is call an allowance.  Sometimes it's just given, sometimes it has to be earned.  In my family it was given until I was almost a teenager.  Then it was renamed a salary and specific chores were tied to me earning it.  Many families make a way for their children to earn extra money as well.

   In any event, this money belongs to your child.  They will need to be taught how to wisely spend it.  Young children do not understand the concept of saving money to buy something larger.  You can help them learn.  Children (of all ages seemingly) do not understand the concept of sales tax.  As someone who has worked retail, please teach them!

  It will take time, but children can learn what money is and what it will buy.  Eventually, with work they can learn wise spending habits.  If they don't learn it from you, then where will they learn it?

B.  Credit.  There ought to be a game somewhere that teaches the concepts of credit.  It would involve buying things on credit (with sales tax!) and having to pay that money back.  Or the option of saving the money and buying all at once.  The game would have to include some sort of income, maybe a salary of some sort.  It should exist.

   When teaching your children about the wise usage of credit, don't forget to teach them the dangers.  Included in that, teach them how easy it is to buy things online.

C.  How to balance a checkbook.  This is something else that should be part of a game.  In real life, emphasize that everything should get written down.

D.  Voting.  Schools should be teaching the nuts and bolts of state and federal government stuff.  You should make sure your kids understand the concepts of county and city government and how they work.  Include your children in discussions of various issues.  Respect their opinions.  Encourage them to research issues.  Now if your child suddenly informs you that they think Hitler had the right idea and he's joining a skinhead gang, then you have a whole different set of problems to deal with.  But if you've been teaching them responsibility then that shouldn't happen.

E.  Driving.  Driving is a privilege, not a right.  Personally I think new drivers, especially teen should have to share the family car for a while.  And share the expense (like gas, keeping it clean, etc.).  Encourage them to buy or help buy their first car.  It will mean a lot more to them that way.    Even at a young age you can be teaching your children the rules of the road.  Of course, that means you have to model good driving yourself.

F.  Taking care of their own medical needs.  As parents we are very hands on about our children's health.  However, in order for them to transition to adulthood, they do have to be able to handle their own medical needs at some point.  Here's my ideas:

   1.  Teach them about regular dental care.  Not just proper teeth brushing, but also about seeing the dentist.  You should probably be modeling this.  Feel free to use as examples, people they know with bag teeth due to poor oral hygiene.

   2.  Teach them the importance of regular doctor visits (maintenance) and flu shots, etc.

   3.  Model and teach them when they should go to the doctors.

   4.  Teach them that it's important to keep medical records.

   5.  Train them to take vitamins daily.  Teaching this pattern of behavior should make it easier for them to remember to take prescription medications later.

   6.  Help them, as it's appropriate to take care of their own medical needs.  Help them to know when to go to you.  Help the asthmatic child to use their inhaler properly (and to tell you when they do).  A child with diabetes can learn to take and record their blood sugar levels (and to tell you when they are levels you should know about), etc.

G.  Care of cars.  Here's a list of stuff I thought important

   1.  Cars do not magically stay in pristine condition.  They have to be maintained and it's not free.

   2.  Cars have to be insured.  That is the law in most places.  Make sure your new drivers understand what the insurance is for and that it has to be paid on a regular basis.  Even if you are paying the insurance at first, they will be paying it at some point.

   3.  Cars need to be kept clean - inside and out.

   4.  All cars need regular maintenance.  That includes oil changes and keeping an eye on water levels.

   5.  Use the gas recommended for the vehicle.  Using a gas with a lower octane level than recommended by the manufacturer can result in engine damage eventually.

   6.  Keep the tires healthy.  Keep the air pressure where it should be.  If you live in a part of the world where it snows enough, change to snow tires when appropriate and learn to drive with them safely.

H.  Dealing with banks.    Again, here's my thoughts:

   1.  Thought there are a lot of different kinds of accounts out there, your young adult will mostly be dealing with checking and savings accounts at first.  Help them to understand the difference between the two and the rules for each.

   2.  Remember, electronic transactions do not always transfer immediately!

   3.  Your kids should understand that their bank accounts need to be kept in balance.  At least monthly.   Use the paper checkbook worksheet.  It's a good way to keep track of your transactions.  By all means, use the electronic means of checking, but the paper copy is a very good backup.

   4.  When using the paper back up, write down your transactions as they occur.  Forgetting is a bad idea.

   5.  Your bank will probably make a mistake or two with your accounts.  That's another reason to keep a paper copy of your transactions.  Be polite when you talk to bank officials about the mistake.  Have your pertinent paperwork ready.  Be prepared to lose.

   Two topics I chose to tackle another time is that of Household stuff, and Moving out for the first time.  I'll handle both of them in more details later.

Family Stories - Grandma Ruth and Dementia

Family Stories

Grandma Ruth and Dementia

  This one is for my kids.

I know I've talked about my mother's mother, Ruth before.  But this time I want to look at the latter part of her life-especially how dementia played a role in it.

   My grandmother Ruth was 40 years old when she gave birth to my mom, Joan,  They were living on the farm in Upstate New York.  Ruth was in charge of the 7 children (Alice, the oldest was 13 years older), as well as the household stuff, and helping with the farm.  I am quite sure she worked very long hours, everyone in the family did.

   When Ruth was 48, the family lost the dairy farm and had to leave.  They chose to move back to Staten Island, NY.  By then, both Alice and Ralph were out of the house, mostly.  Both Everett and Del went away to CCC camps, which brought in some money for the family.  Marion and Joan both worked.  Vincent, Ruth's husband worked as well, but his diabetes had begun weakening him.  Ruth worked, since the children were getting older.  She started off cleaning houses, but soon worked her way into a nursing position.  Eventually she moved from the cleaning/care-taking nursing to working as a real nurse, often in private homes.  As well as taking care of Vincent, the kids, the house, and everything else.

   Everett joined the army in March of 1941.  He was on leave visiting relatives with mom Ruth on December 7th and had to immediately leave to rejoin his unit.  Vincent was operated on Dec. 1st of that year.  Off work for a while.  Del was in an auto accident in March of 1942.  Marion went to the hospital with appendicitis in June of 1944 and was off work for a month.  All this sickness and Ruth kept working, at home and  at her nursing job.  Del injured his eye (at work) and 6 months later moved out to CA to join Ralph and Alice.

   But probably the hardest thing was that in August of 1944 Vincent got sick (probably at least partly due to his worsening diabetes).  After over a month in the hospital, Vincent finally was released.  I don't think he ever was able to return to work.  The doctors warned Vincent that he could not stay in New York due to the winters.  With the War over, what was left of the family planned to move out to CA to join the rest.

   Ruth herself was sick with the flu from the end of December 1945 to almost mid February 1946.  She was still able to get everything organized and the family left for CA in August of 1946.  From what I've heard, the flu, the trip, and everything else took it's tole on Ruth.  She tried to work, but was not healthy enough.  In 1950 she had a heart attack.  She recovered, but had to give up nursing.  So instead she started babysitting for pay.  And taking care of insulin dependent Vincent.  Two years later she had to give that up.  At age 64 she was done working and under the care of a doctor for her heart issues.

   I suspect the heart issues and her late onset diabetes were linked.  Vincent's diabetes was more serious, and he ended up dying of diabetes related issues in 1961.  But Ruth's memory was starting to go.  In 1959 Ruth and Vincent flew back to New York.  There was a sense that the two of them moved there to die.  Instead after a year they returned to CA.  Soon after they moved up to Fresno.  Ralph was in medical school residency up there.  Ralph agreed to be the family member who took care of Ruth and Vincent.

   Vincent's death accelerated Ruth's memory problems. She moved in with Ralph and Bette in San Diego after they moved a month after Vincent's death.  In February of 1963 Ruth's memory and health had deteriorated so that Ruth moved in with Mrs. Reed.  Ruth was told that she was to be Mrs. Reed's live in companion.

   I remember visiting my Grandmother Ruth from my earliest memories.  She was from such a different generation that it was hard to talk to her.  When she moved to San Diego it was clear that she was having real memory issues.  Ruth was strong, and still very mobile, but she had little short term memory and her ability to do things was compromised.  Since she was wheelchair bound, Mrs. Reed would tell Ruth how to do things, and that worked for quite a while.

   Even though her memory was pretty shot, it didn't change her personality.  She had worked so hard for so many years that it was hard for her to stop.  Ruth discovered that she could still sew well, so she started making Barbie clothes.  I think all of her female grandchildren (and who knows how many local children) got clothes for those dolls.  They were well made.  Ruth never could remember what she had made and for whom.  I got used to the fact that every time we visited my grandmother would ask me if I still played with my Barbie dolls.  I wish I still had some of the clothes she had made for my dolls.

   As I look back on it now, I realize that Grandmother Ruth, for about a 2-3 year period had an effective memory of 1/2 to 1 hour.  My mom, dad, and I would make the 3 hour drive down there (5 hours if the Del Mar track was running) and by the time we got home Ruth would have forgotten we had even been there.  One time we had no sooner gotten home when Alice called to talk to my mom.  My aunt asked my mom when we planned to go visit Ruth.  Alice had been talking to Ruth on the phone and my grandmother had been complaining that she hadn't seen us in ages!

   I know we went down to visit Grandmother Ruth at various times until her death in March of 1967.  Each time mom would be unhappy on the way back home at how her mom was "slipping."  I didn't know what that meant.  I'm pretty sure my parents stopped taking me once Ruth stopped knowing who many of us were.  They wanted me to remember her as she was.

   I suspect my grandmother spent part of her final year or so in a convalescent hospital, as her husband Vincent had done.  I certainly don't remember visiting her in any place like that.  But there was a lot of family drama going on during that time period revolving around Ralph.  

   When my mother, Joan, first began showing signs of memory issues, I watched.  Would my mom follow the pattern of Vincent, Del, and Everett?  Would she be like Ruth?  Or would mom have a totally different experience at the end of her life?

   Now we're further down the road and I can say pretty confidently that my mom is mostly following Ruth's pattern.  At age 70 Joan was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.  With modern medicines it's low level.  I first noticed mom's memory starting to slip around 15 years ago, so about the same time.  I noticed that crisis and stress made the slippage quicker.  By the time she moved in with me, about 1993, she could still function, but the cracks in her memory were clear.  

   The first big drop occurred in 2010 when illness took her to the hospital.  She ended up with a pacemaker and no ability to handle her own finances, medical decisions, etc.  Sadly she never regained all the lost mental ability.  Her short term memory was clearly affected.  Like her mom, at best she could remember things for about an hour.

   But also like her mother, Joan remains physically strong with a clear desire to be useful and working.  Since then, her short term memory continues to go downhill.  On a good day she will remember things for maybe 15 minutes.  Mostly things stay in her brain for about 5 minutes.  She has lost some of her long term memory.  She has lost the ability to read and comprehend.  Reading a book is no longer possible-she can read the pages, but can't remember what she read 5 minutes before.  And so it goes.

   I don't know if medical science was advanced enough in the 60's to diagnose Ruth's dementia to any type.  Joan has a version of vascular dementia.  That means that most likely, microscopic amounts of blood will continue to leak from the blood vessels in her brain, continuing to destroy brain tissue.  Major stressors  tend to aggravate this.  And there are continuing problems with her heart and her blood pressure.  It's a sad story.

Momma Sandy Says - Teaching your Children How to become Adults

Momma Sandy Says

Teaching Your Children How to Become Adults.

   I think I've stated it before that I think the goal of parenting is to raise your children so that by the time they are 18 years old they are ready to step into the adult world.  In addition I want my children to be good people with a strong sense of right and wrong and personal honor.

   But how do you get there?  This really is a process.  It's a combination of character traits, motor skills, and life skills.  We've talked about character traits in a previous blog.  As the parent you have to model them.  The primary place your kids learn the character traits you want them to have, is from you.  Motor skills ranging from learning how to walk to learning the skills needed to drive a car.  Learn what the norms are for learning those skills.  Then find out at what point your child needs to be checked if there are delays.

      I want to add in here a bit about teaching your children responsibility.  It's a big theme of mine.  The earlier a child can learn that his or her choices have consequences the better off they are.  And that the consequences of their choices can effect others beyond themselves.

Lastly there are life skills.  What are they and when should your child be learning them?  The simple answer is that they are the skills your child needs to function in the adult world.  A better way to explain is to make a list.

1.  Understanding money.  Especially the fact that it doesn't grow on trees.

2.  How to wisely use credit.  Understanding the good and bad about electronic media and money.

3.  How to balance a check book.

4.  How to plan a budget.  And how to adjust it as needed, safely.

5.  Understanding how local, state, and federal government work beyond what is taught in school.  What does voting really mean and why is it so important?

6.  The knowledge as well as the motor skills needed to drive a car (or truck, or motorcycle, or boat, etc.).

7.  Household skills - this is a huge one.  This includes everything from cleaning everything in an apartment or house, to fixing stuff, to surviving living with others, cooking, meal planning, shopping, the list goes on for a while.  What does your child need to know to move out?

8.  Speaking of which, what do they need to know about starting service with various utility companies?  How should they deal with them when they have problems?

9.  Taking care of their own medical needs.

10.  How to look for, apply, and get a job.  And what to do once they have it?

11.  Renting an apartment and dealing with landlords.  Once they have more money, the adult version is "what to know about buying a house."

12.  cars - buying new or used, care of, insurance, etc.

13. Dealing with banks.

14.  Dealing with the government.  This includes taxes.

15.  The first pay check and where so much of the money goes.

   This is not a complete list, but it's a good start.  Due to our changing world, some of it will change as time goes on.  When do you teach this stuff?  That varies.  Some of it you can't teach until they're ready.  The first paycheck is a good example of that.  Some of it happens in teachable moments.  Close to an election is a good time to talk about the issues, when they're ready.  If a family car breaks down, then may be a good time to talk about how to deal with that.  And you can teach more than one child at a time.  You may have to give a refresher to a younger child, but the initial exposure will help with the process.

  Make the learning fun if you can.  Some of the skills, especially cooking can be taught at an early age.  I think, in the next few weeks I'll talk about some of the life skills and what I've learned about teaching them.

Family Stories - Me and the Big Three

Family Stories

Me and the Big Three

I'm going to do something different this time and write about myself.  This is a part of me that I usually don't tell people about.  Don't know why really.

  When I was born I was apparently "normal."  I was cute and seemingly healthy.  When I was around 6 months old my mom felt that I was not being satisfied with her breastfeeding.  That I wasn't "thriving."  The doctor probably agreed with her, medical science being what it was at the time.  So I was switched to formula and my problems began.

   My parents tried many different kinds of formula until they finally found one that I could tolerate.  Apparently soy based formula was disliked by all of us.  It was in the middle of all that when I started getting sick.  It was finally diagnosed as a combination of asthma, allergies, and eczema.

   I caught colds easily and they quickly went into bronchitis.  I had problems breathing.  My parents took me to the ER many times, but never seriously enough to stay.  I usually responded to treatment.  I remember driving home from visiting relatives in San Diego one Easter.  I was having problems breathing (probably because I had been playing with their dog, one of my allergy triggers).  I had a basket of Easter chocolate that I couldn't eat because it was felt that chocolate was bad for my allergies.  It was a hot day and I had to watch my chocolate melting on the long trip home.

   Slowly I learned how to cope.  I was allergic to most animals, so no pets and I kept away from the pets of others.  I was allergic to trees, weeds, and grasses, so my parents sold our house and moved us to an apartment.  Always, always, I had my asthma inhaler on me.  When I started to get a cold it was treated right away.  Even if I didn't avoid bronchitis, I did avoid pneumonia (the next progression) and had milder bouts of bronchitis.

   But the big thing I had to learn was to control my emotions.  Strong emotions are a trigger for my asthma.  I don't think this was something my parents deliberately taught me.  I think it was something I worked out for myself.  This control of my emotions, to force myself to internalize what I was feeling has had strong effect on me.  In effect, I learned to compartmentalize many of my emotions.  That helped the asthma, but the internalization worsened my eczema.

   I should explain here that eczema is a skin disease.  It starts as a red patch, easily irritated by sweat and heat (which is why it is most often found in folds of skin).  When it's bad the skin looks raw and crusts over.  It's not pretty.  As it dries it will stick to clothes like socks.  And then break open again, painfully when you have to move again.

   

Despite all that, I survived.  I developed a very strong will.  My parents never treated me like I was anything other than "Normal."  When I was sick, I was sick, but otherwise, keep moving with life.  As an adult I am impressed with how my parents handled my illnesses.  They took me to so many doctors and specialists, trying to get me the help I needed.  I have no idea how much money they spent on my health, but I know it was a lot.  And the little stuff.  One of the better skin doctors told my parents that salt water was a great thing for me-ocean water.  So as soon as summer hit (and the ocean water was almost warm enough to get into), my dad would take a half day off from the family business to take me to the beach.  It apparently helped.  Many happy memories for me from those trips.  But mostly my parents did not treat me like a sick kid.

   And so, I tried to do sports.  My eczema and asthma didn't help, but I tried.  Basketball was not my friend, nor was running, but there were other things I could do.  I loved baseball until my vision got bad.  I got involved in Girl Scouting.  My day camp experience with Girl Scouts was pretty awful (a really steep hill to climb back up at the end of the day!", but they sent me to a 10 day residence camp anyway, which turned out to be one of the joys of my life.  I was always pushing myself to be as normal as possible.  I was not going to let my unholy trio of medical problems rule my life!

I lived in a time of increasing medical knowledge.  As I was growing up better and better drugs were being developed for my conditions.  My asthma came under control.  It was only a problem if I developed a cold or was over exerting myself physically.  There weren't good drugs for my allergies until I was into my adult years.  But there were new drugs, creams mostly, for my eczema.  Slowly my skin began to heal.  By the time I reached high school, I looked normal.

   However, with this new medicine there were new problems.  One of the best drugs also encouraged weight gain, a fact we didn't find out about for several years.  I look back now and I really wasn't that heavy, but due to school induced self esteem issues, I saw myself as fat and unlikeable due to my skin disease.

  In my grade school years I developed a rather splintered life.  At home, with family, and even with neighbors (I lived outside my neighborhood school area), I was fine.  Everyone liked me for who I was.

   School was a nightmare for my self esteem.  In second grade the red headed boy with the big ears and freckles decided that I was the one with the "cooties."  In retrospect, this was a survival move by him, since his physical attributes made him a logical target.  So instead, I became the odd one, the child to avoid.  Children are very cruel.  It made no sense to me why this bunch of kids was mean and the rest were fine.  So I decided the fault must be mine.  My self esteem dropped.  Eventually, when my skin started to clear, I became more known as "the smart one", but the damage had been done.

   What was really a salvation for my self esteem was Girl Scouting, especially resident camping.  When my school based troop folded (very common at that point), I wanted to continue camping, so I found myself a new troop, made up of girls from several other former troops.  They didn't know what my supposed reputation was.  So I had new friends.  In fact, most of those girls were my closest friends for many years.

   But resident camp was my favorite.  Ten days away from home in a pace where I had carved my own, new reputation.  I had friends.  I did stuff I liked.  It was a happy dream.

The splintering effect of my life continued through high school.  I barely spoke to the people from my own school.  I had met Monique through my scout troop and we had a circle of friends.  I joined the school newspaper and had friends I respected (and who respected me).  I'm still in touch with some of them.  I still had self esteem issues.  I still saw myself as fat and not date worthy.  My one attempt at dating my freshman year ended disastrously.  We broke up and he decided that he was gay.  So I didn't date after that.   I felt like the different parts of me were just not whole yet.

   It wasn't until I started college and moved out from home that I was able to put the pieces back together and found out that I was an interesting person.  And not bad looking.  The males of the species now had me to deal with.

Momma Sandy Says - Fear and Your Children

Momma Sandy Says

Fear and Your Children

   Fear is a natural emotion.  It's built into us for our self preservation.  There is a natural "Fight or Flight" reaction built into us.  In a fear provoking situation our minds/emotions will tell us to either get the heck out of there, or to do something about it.  There is also a negative response to fear where individuals can "Freeze" in fear and be unable to do anything.  Lets look at all three.  Is there a way that parents can help their children to make better choices in fear provoking situations?

   I'm going to make a strong separation between fight or flight vs. freeze.  To not be able to do anything in a fear provoking situation is not good.  The individual has lost any choice in keeping themselves safe.  I believe that parents need to be aware if their children are dealing with any of that.  If it continues, escalates, or causing real problems, then competent professional help may be needed.  I'll talk more about childhood fears a bit later.

   There are going to be fear provoking situations in your own life, and in that of your family.  Children are not exempt.  But one of the key ways to help your children be able to cope is how you model appropriate behavior in fear situations.

   Let me give you an example.  When my children were 5 and 3 years old we were in a major earthquake.  We were in the car and had just dropped their father off to go to work.  As I went to turn the car on I realized that the car was starting to bounce.  We were clearly in an earthquake of some magnitude.  I quickly looked around and realized that we were in a safe place.  No power poles nearby, nothing that could fall on us.  So I was able to relax (as much as anyone can in a larger earthquake) and focus on what was happening around us.

   My 5 year old asked me with fear in his voice, "What's going on?"  Good question.  The car is bouncing for no discernable reason.

     I realized this was his first real earthquake and I had a "teachable moment."  As calmly as I could I informed him that this was an earthquake.  "What's an earthquake?  he asked.  The fear was going away, being replaced by his natural curiosity.

  This was my I-want-to-understand-how-the-world-is-put-together son.  "The scientific explanation has to do with plate tectonics and stuff.  I'll get a book from the library on it (my usual response).  For now, think of it as God reaching down and giving the ground a bit of a shake."  Since all this was normal, my son was ok.  And since my son was ok, the 3 year old knew it was ok too.  

   Picking up my son from kindergarten later on that day the teacher wanted to talk to me.  It seems my son had climbed on the top of the jungle Gym and was shaking it, yelling "earthquake!" I guess I did my job too well.  But neither of my children has ever had a major fear of earthquakes.  They view them as a natural part of living in California.  They know to plan ahead, stay calm, and deal with the aftereffects as they come.

   One of my son's classmates wasn't so lucky.  Her mom is terrified of earthquakes.  Her kids picked up on that (one of the reasons why my son's jungle gym stunt was a problem) and were terrified as well.  That family had to deal with 3 nervous, fearful individuals for several weeks.

Can you teach your children when it's better to flee from a situation?  Of course.  But again, I feel the key is that you, as the parents need to be calm  and to model that sometimes leaving is the best choice.  Evacuating before a river runs into your house, a good idea.  

   That leads into teaching kids how to plan for things like natural disasters.  If it can be taught without fear, kids can learn that it's a good idea to have extra water and stuff on hand.  If your children understand that natural disasters are just that, then they can also understand the need to plan ahead of time.  Make them think about what they would take with them if there's a need to quickly evacuate.  Make it a game.

   I don't think I can say this enough.  If you are calm, your kids will respond to the need without panic, for the most part.  If they understand ahead of time that sometimes fires or floods happen, then it's not a new scary thing.  Still scary, but within the realm of possible and mom and dad seem to have it organized.

But what about when it's not a natural disaster, but a man made one?  I remember during the Rodney King riots.  My home and the school my kids were attending were just inside the mandatory curfew area.  As I was picking my kids up for school they announced that school was going to be closed for at least 3 days.  Then I looked up and saw a convoy of armored personnel carriers, armed, going down the freeway next to us.  All of a sudden the reality of the potential danger hit me.  The violence never did move close to us, but the possibility was suddenly very real.

   That left me with a very real choice.  Did I give in to my very logical fears or did I continue to take the high road and use the opportunity to teach my kids appropriate behavior in a crisis?  Mostly I did ok.  There was still the heart stopping moment two days later when I saw an armored Humvee patrolling my neighborhood.  But mostly we kept things logical.  We used it as a chance to explain life in the inner city and injustice based on race.  The only real violence near us was the destruction of the local Dept. of Motor Vehicles office.  While I personally understood why that was a symbol, we taught our kids that destruction of property while angry is a bad idea.  And that looting is very wrong.

So, some key things to remember about teaching your kids to handle potential fear enducing things:

1.  You need to model appropriate behavior.  That means that while you want to start screaming and crying, your job, for the sake of your kids, is to do what's right in the situation.

2.  Always model calmness-even if you're screaming inside.

3.  Be flexible.  Teach your kids that sometimes plans have to change.  That's a good life lesson in general.

4.  If possible, without fear, plan ahead.

5.  Always explain what's going on at the appropriate level for your kids.

6.  Maintain the appearance of calm.

   A few words about childhood fears.  They're called that for a reason.  Children can develop irrational, paralyzing fears.  For me it was cats on a fence howling at the moon.  I think I thought they were going to break into my house and do bad stuff.  I knew I was horribly scared and couldn't move.  Of course I slept badly.  Eventually I think I told my parents about it.  Without telling me he was going to do it, my dad would use his bb gun and scare the cats away on those nights.  It took a long time for that fear to go away.  I eventually out grew it.

   And that's the thing about many childhood fears.  Kids usually outgrow them.  One of my children could not watch certain fantasy shows.  Horrid nightmares were the result.  And I don't even want to think about the horror films based on "Chucky."  Nightmare city for a very long time!  When you know that something is a probable trigger, don't let your kid be exposed to it!

   I do need to mention that not all childhood fears are irrational.  A child who has been abused may not be able to verbalize it.  The fear and pain may come out in nightmares.  Keep your eyes and ears open.

   In closing I do want to note that fears can be multi sensory triggered.  When I was young there was a big brush fire somewhat close to our home.  I saw the flames and it trigger nightmares and sleep walking in me.  Since we were close, the smell of smoke and the ashes lingered.  The fire was out, but I was still dealing with the results.  Finally, in a bit of wisdom, my dad sent my mom and I out of the area to stay with friends for about a week.  While there, no nightmares or sleepwalking.  When we got back the natural weather patterns (and the family hose) had taken away the smoke smell and the ashes.  I was cured.  To this day I have an aversion to watching wild fires on the news.  And I avoid them in person (partly because I'm not foolish).  But it is not an active fear.

 

Family Stories - Geneology, or Finding Out the Truth About Your Family Tree

Family Stories

Genealogy, or Finding Out the Truth About Your Family Tree

     Genealogy is the word used for the study of family trees.  It can be an interesting thing to research.  It can be really frustrating.  And you never know what you'll find...

   I've been working on my own family tree since my kids were little.  I worked on it for about 10 years, then took a long break.  I've only dabbled in it since.  But I've found out a lot.

   I was most successful with my mom's family.  Generally I run into dead ends when one family line are immigrants here (usually from Europe in my mom's family).  I got lucky with the Turnpenny family.  They were the most recent immigrants and the family was still in contact .  I was able to meet with my Turnpenny cousins years ago when we visited London. They were kind enough to give me what they had of the family tree.  I had conformation of the Turnpennys back to the 1770's.

  The part of the family that had been in America the longest were the Van Winkles.  They dated back to when New York was New Amsterdam, a Dutch colony.  I was able to track them back directly on Staten Island for many generations.  I still haven't made all the connections, but there are Van Winkles amongst the earliest Dutch colonists.  I'd love to be able to prove that!

   Mom's father's family were Irish immigrants.  No luck there yet.

   My dad's family, not so easy.  I can go back about 4 generations on his mom's side.  His dad's side, the Houks, pretty much nada.  I knew the name of dad, his father, and grandfather.  I had the family legend.  Dad claimed that I was a 4th generation Californian.  Proving all that proved elusive until recently.

   Recent research gave me some real information.  I had my dad's birth certificate.  I had verification of his father's birth in CA.  Now I had verification of his grandfather's  birth - in PA!  Was I only a 3rd generation Californian?  Nope.  I found records the indicate that the grandmother was born in CA.   And there is a connection to the Geary family.  That led me to look up Geary Carr, a man I met when I was young who was some sort of family member on dad's side.  I found a connection.  I still have work to do, but it is nice to finally get some real evidence.

   But as I said, you will never know when will turn up.  When my adopted brother (actually my dad's step cousin) came to visit I did some research on his family tree.  What turned up was the fact that Doug Danley's father was Dwight Herman Fisher Danley.  That extra middle name had me looking for Dwight's birth record.  The birth father of Dwight was a man with the last name of Fisher.  Mr. Danley legally adopted Dwight after marrying Dwight's birth mother.  So Doug Danley could easily have been Doug Fisher.  That was rather unexpected.  More research to do.  And Doug is still wrapping his head around it.

If you have never done any research on your family tree, cheer up, it's not hard.  Start by writing down what you do know (or think you know).  Who were your parents?  When and where were they born?  Married?  Dates and location of the birth of your siblings?  Then go back a step.  What is generally assumed about the siblings of your parents?  Any half siblings?  Any info available on the grandparents?  Any earlier?  What are the family stories about earlier ancestors?

   Once you have what you know written down, start checking free sources.  Some local libraries have genealogy sections.  Every 10 years the US government does a census of it's inhabitants.  That information can be quite useful.  Census information is also available for free from regional federal libraries.  Another source are the libraries of the Mormon church.

   Note:  when you do go to these places, bring paper and pencils.  Many libraries will not allow you to use an ink pen when viewing their records.

   If you only want to use on-line sources (and I don't recommend that.  The sources listed above are often really good and varied) do so.  There are sources that are free.  Beware, there are some sources that claim to be free, but a few clicks later they are wanting you to subscribe.  

   There are some subscriber sites that are worthwhile.  Ancestry.com has links to a lot of sources besides the federal census.  They also have subscriber boards.  Someone that one of the subscribers is looking for could be one of yours.

   Don't be afraid to ask for help.  Find people who have been doing research longer and ask.  Don't think you have to pay someone to research for you.

   In the end, doing the family research is fun.  There are a lot of rabbit trails you can go down.  Try to stay on task.  Good luck!