Momma Sandy Says - Year End Evaluations

Momma Sandy Says

Year End Evalautions

   I didn't start doing year end evaluations until about 10-15 years ago.  I think I was just too busy with life.  Also my parents didn't do evaluations either, so it wasn't a pattern.  I started doing it due to social media.

   I find year end evaluations serve some good purposes.  They give me a chance to review both the good and the bad of the prior year (and the boring).  Also a chance to review what I learned that year.  And finally, it gives me a starting point for planning my next year.

   Since I only started doing this in the last decade or so, I didn't teach my children to do this.  However, if I were to teach them today, I'd handle it the following way:

  Time wise, I would take the time with my children to do this between Christmas and New Year's Eve.  As mom, I should know everyone's schedule, so I would try to schedule time for this.  I would also finish my own evaluation of the year, so I know what to be aware of.
  In an age appropriate manner I would help my children to talk about the good parts of the year.  We could even use photos, if needed.  What amongst the years activities did my kids like?  Why did we like those?
   We would also talk about the negative parts of the year.  What was disliked?  What was sad or bad about the year?  Why?  Were these things that could have been avoided?
   At this point we can swing back to the positive and talk about what parts of the year before we would like to do again?  And balance by talking about what we would like to avoid in the year to come.
   This is a good time to collect ideas for adventures for the new year.  It can be a time to start talking about options for vacation(s) for the coming year.
   Note:  Write this stuff down so you can get it researched later.

An important thing is to talk with your children about things that might be happening in the coming year.  Is anyone they know getting married?  Starting school?  Anyone going to take part in any important religious ceremonies?  Moving?  Does it look like they will be moving in the coming year?  Is there anyone close (especially older relatives) that is seriously ill?  This can be a time to help prepare your children for what is to come-good and bad.

And this is a good way to communicate with your children a concept of time.

Freque Factory - Alabama Interlude

Freque Factory

Alabama Interlude

This blog is dedicated, in gratitude to the band, Little Feat.  That story is below.

   So I left the cold, gray, wet of Minnesota and flew south to warmth and green.  And what I thought was love.  Looking back, I think I was in love with love.  Everything was happy and rainbows.  Love could happen and not be the unhappy I had left behind in Los Angeles as my parents were working through their divorce.

   It was a rough set of flights.  Flying from Minnesota to St. Louis my seat mate was a young woman who was flying home after the tragic death of her love (I think husband).  So depressing!  And we flew right into a thunderstorm.  Leaving St. Louis (and my grieving seat mate) I had one of the scariest flights I've ever had. I wanted to kiss the ground.  Even the flight attendants were strapped into their seats.

   My "first love", I'll call him Dave, met me.  I stayed with his family for a while.  I'll talk more about them later.

   That first night Dave took me over to the University for a concert-part of the Spring Concert series.  Dave told me that the word was out-the local police would be looking for drugs.  So everyone he knew was getting stoned before going in and leaving all evidence home.  Dave and I were especially careful.  He had been a pain in the ass of the local police for several years now (including writing especially witty dogerral about them).  I was just an outsider from Southern California.

   We were searched going in, but not too thoroughly.  It was a good crowd and pretty much filled the auditorium.  The opening act was a local band.  Their claim to fame was a band member who had briefly played with Iron butterfly.  Nothing exciting, but ok to move around to.  Mostly covers.

   I don't even remember who the second band was.  Another local band, this one had a better reputation and played original music.  However, in the middle of their set, the band suddenly stopped playing.  A somewhat portly Southern police officer strode onto the stage and over to the microphone.  He said something-the microphone was too garbled, though it had been clear for the band.  I suspect that he was telling us that the concert was over and we had to leave.

   All I knew was that suddenly the house lights came on.  The main exit door was open (lit).  There was dead silence.  And then I heard the howling of the police dogs.

   That was one of the scariest moments of my life.  The police were trying to herd all of us to the main entrance/exit.  Dave and I circled around, always keeping groups of people between us and the police.

   And then came the moment that I will always be grateful to Little Fear for.  That band was the headliner for the show that night.  I found out later they had approached the police asking to be able to play a few gentle songs to get us to leave-and to avoid a riot.

   The band came on.  For them the microphones were clear.  They told us that they were going to play a few songs.  When they were done, all of us should leave at once.  That way the police couldn't stop all of us.

   And they were right.  After about 20 minutes they stopped and we all started walking out.  We reached the safety of our car and went home.  We explained to Dave's dad what had happened.  Dad was so incensed about the police heavy handedness that he wrote a letter to the Editor of the local paper.  I always appreciated that he did that.

  In the weeks to come I met several young adults who weren't as lucky as we were.  The people who left when the concert was first shut down had to deal with police brutality.  I met folks with bruises, broken bones, etc.  But the worst was a young lady with heavy bandaging on her leg.  That was where a police dog had taken a bit out of her.

Thank you Little Feat!  Your concern for your audience that night probably saved a whole lot of us from serious injury.

Momma Sandy Says - Thoughts on the Holiday Season

Momma Sandy Says

Thoughts on the Holiday Season

     It's mid December and I'm in the Christmas crunch.  I'm going to do a shorter blog tonight, talking about some Christmas traditions I'm familiar with and things to look for with them.

A coworker today talked about her family tradition of only opening one present on Christmas Eve.  That reminded me of how my family did that, and how I carried that on to my own family, once I had children.  It's a good way to defuse some of the tension of Christmas Eve.  As a parent, you need to pre-decide which one present each child can open.  New Pj's may seem like a good idea, but your children would probably want to be able to play with a new toy.

  This was a tradition that changed pretty rapidly as the kids got older and our families got more complicated.  When Christmas Eve was at my mom's house the expectation was that we would open gifts from them and their friends.  By the time we would get home it was often too late for a Christmas of our own.  There would be time to hang stockings (by the chimney with care, of course), baths, and then bed.

   Speaking of Christmas stockings, I'm a firm believer in them.  Currently hanging are 5 stockings from throughout my life.  Early traditions call for real socks to be used, but we never did.  All of the stockings I've had are unique and beautiful.  Stockings were not for big, expensive gifts,  There was always a toy-no matter what age!  Mostly it was for practical stuff.  Typically in my stocking there would be socks, a new toothbrush, bath stuff (hooray!), a little candy, and when I got older, some make up.  I was grateful to get all of that.  My kids grew up with the same concepts.  For us it worked.  Keep the cost down and keep it simple.  When our kids got older (and knew that Santa and mom were closely connected) we had them help.  Everything from helping choose the presents, to helping wrap, and once they were older, helping buy some of the presents.  As teens, having them invested in the process made the whole thing more fun.

   What to do about Santa?  This has become a much tougher issue.  We teach our children to be afraid of strangers, yet every December we encourage them to take photos with this strange, older man in a red suit.  I am not surprised that so many kids start screaming once they realize that they're supposed to interact with Santa.

   I raised my children to believe in Santa Claus.  To believe that there was a man and his support system (Mrs. Claus and the elves) that gave gifts to kids throughout the world.  He filled our Christmas stockings too.  Santa was a generous and loving man who had faith in people.

   Once our children were old enough to start questioning, we included each child-asking them to not tell the youngers.  It wasn't fair to spoil the magic for them.  But now that they knew, they could take part-become Santa's helpers themselves.  To know a good secret that a younger sibling doesn't is always fun.

   I hope that the tradition of Santa Claus can continue.  In our paranoid world it may not be possible, and that's sad.

   Finally, I want to touch on the religious elements of the season.  For almost every religion around there is some sort of tradition around the winter solstice.  This is the time when light overcomes the growing darkness.  Although Christ of the Christian tradition was probably born in the late spring or late summer, it works that we celebrate his birth near the date of the winter solstice.  Whatever your spiritual beliefs, embrace them during the winter holiday season.  Use the time to teach your children that loving and giving to others is a very good thing.  A child that learns the joy of giving has taken an important step towards becoming a good adult.

   And please, be tolerant of other spiritual beliefs.  My children had a Jewish step-grandfather and learned to enjoy the Jewish holidays as well.  Though I think they liked the food of Hanukkah the best.  That and the chocolate gold coins.

Have fun this holiday season.  Try to stick to your schedules so that everything gets done on time, but make sure you include time for yourself as well.

Freque Factory - Post High School, Part 4

Freque Factory

Post High School, Part 4

   After I got back from Alabama the UN moved to my home town.  My bedroom was miniscule, but I loved it.  I got myself a new job, as a salad maker at our local smorgasbord.    The job didn't last all that long.  My bosses didn't think I was strong enough to handle the giant trash cans full of salad.  

   But at the job I met a man that I had liked the look of a year ago when I started college.  His name was Bob.  Bob and I began a relationship pretty quickly.  It was easily one of my worst ideas.  Turns out he was a heroin addict.  He had gotten hooked while fighting in Vietnam.  He had developed a cycle of getting clean, then staying clean for 6 months or so, then slowly, over a year or so, getting deeper into addiction until he needed to cold turkey again to function.  Some of these cold turkey sessions were in jail.  The biggest thing I learned in this relationship is that I never, ever want to be involved with an addict. again.

   R & H got married late in the fall.  It was a low key ceremony in our front room.  I think they took the weekend off for their honeymoon.  They were working hard to finish school.  The plan was to transfer (it turned out to be San Jose State College) the next fall.  Their combined families were willing to help them continue their schooling, but there were strings.  One of them was that the two of them needed to have their own place, not with 2 single women.  So the plan was for HJ and I to get our own place after the first of the year.  We were back where we started.  Except now HJ and her boyfriend were very serious.  I expected them to be engaged by Christmas (and they were).

   This was my second Christmas with my parents apart.  It was better.  At my mom's suggestion I invited my roommates to join us on Christmas Eve.  R & H didn't come.  I think they spent the night with her family.  HJ appreciated a chance to avoid her local relatives.  She'd be spending the next day with her guy.  Barbara came as well.  Since she was raised Jewish, it was the first Christmas she had ever celebrated.  She really had a good time.  We all did.  We ended up getting together during the Christmas season for several years.

   So in January we moved to the new place.  I had broken up with Bob the addict before Christmas, so I was free to date anyone, sort of.  The young man I had met, and fallen in love with while in Alabama was wanting me to move back there to be with him.  HJ was engaged and planning to get married within a few months.  And Joanne had moved in with us.  Jim was in basic training.

   Having Joanne move in with us was pretty horrid.  She and HJ never got along.  She irritated me most of the time.  We were all glad when Jim finished basic training and they moved to Texas, his first posting.

   HJ and I talked.  She was getting married in April.  After the honeymoon she was moving in to Bob's house to start married life.  I decided to move to Alabama.  But first I was going to visit Monique in Minnesota.  She was sounding more and more despondent.  We had a set of plans.

   HJ's wedding was fun.  It was very, very small-in front of a justice of the peace.  Afterward we had a traditional Chinese wedding feast with her family.  It struck Bob (the groom) and I funny that us two white folks could use chopsticks and some of HJ's younger cousins couldn't.

   I stowed my stuff at my mom's apartment (mostly in my old room), packed my suitcase and off I flew.

   My visit to Minnesota was eventful. Monique and Blonde were living in a basement apartment on the outskirts of St. Paul.  Winter was over, but spring had yet to arrive.  Everything was gray and dead looking.  Mostly it rained.  A cold, cold dreary rain.  Not encouraging.

   Both Monique and Blonde were working.  It was all they could do to keep their bills paid.  There was a real change in Blonde.  Where was the charming, outgoing guy we had met in CA?  This was a sullen, brooding guy.  As I found out, he had become a real mamma's boy.  Or maybe he was always that guy and just changed once away from Momma?  Blonde was using a lot of drugs too-mostly marijuana.

   Speaking of Gert, Monique took me over to her house one day.  Monique and Blonde had lived with her in-laws for the first few months there.  The house really did have salmon colored deep plush carpets in the hall way.  I did have to take off my shoes there.  Gert was a huge woman with a voice like a fog horn.  Highly opinionated.  Her husband was a mousy little man.  It felt like he was hiding behind his wife all the time.   I couldn't imagine living there.

   One night they took me to a "house party."  They're popular there, but I hadn't experienced one before.  The idea was to cram as many people as possible into a house and party.  I hated it.  Way too many people.  I felt like there wasn't enough oxygen.  Plus I didn't really know anyone except Monique and Blonde, who vanished early.  Despite the cold I escaped outside.  I talked to others out there for several hours until Monique showed up again and we got to go home.

   Monique confided to me that she was becoming desperate to have a baby.  Gert was putting pressure on them.  She was pretty clear that if Monique couldn't produce a grandchild for her, then Monique wasn't good enough to be her daughter-in-law.  Monique was trying to convince herself that having a baby would "save" her marriage.  Despite all her efforts, no pregnancy.

   I left after a week, even though I had planned to stay longer.  I was done with the gray and dreary.  I wanted warmth, green, and the affection of a Southern man. 

  

  

Mamma Sandy Says - Holiday Traditions

Mama Sandy Says

Holiday Traditions

   Traditions, in general can be good, bad, and/or both.  That's because traditions are thing that have been done before and carry memories.

   How do traditions get started?  Often by wanting to repeat a pleasurable prior experience.  For example, when I was 13 my family discovered an area of Christmas lights we hadn't known about before.  It was so remarkable, and so fun to walk around, that we chose to do it again.  And again.  When I married, I brought my new husband and then our children on this now traditional adventure.  I plan to do it again this holiday season.  My daughter introduced her husband to our tradition last year and they should be joining me.

   Do traditions end of change?  Absolutely?  Especially traditions centered around the November/December holidays.  Things like where we celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas depend on who was still alive and living where.  When I was a child the holidays rotated between our house and that of my grandparents, great grandparents, and my mom's siblings.  As the older generation died, all that changed.  By the time I married, Christmas Eve was with my mom, Christmas Day with his family and/or my dad.  Once we had kids, things changed again.  Christmas Eve with my mom until she moved to Arizona.  Christmas morning at our house.  And we rotated.  Now that I'm divorced things have changed again.  And it will change again, since my kids are settling down.

   So many things can be traditional during the holidays.  Here's a short list.

1.  Thanksgiving

2.  Church service plans

3.  Local events

4.  Buying of the Christmas tree

5.  How to decorate the home

6.  Parties to attend

7.  Gifts-who buys, how to wrap, etc.

8.  Christmas stockings

9.  Special stuff-theme parks, theater plays, etc.

10.  Lighting displays

11.  Tamale making

12.  Hannaukah

13.  Kwanza

14.  Charity work

   This year I am reevaluating my holiday traditions.  Here are some guidelines that I'm using:

1.  Does this specific tradition need to change?

2.  What is important about this tradition?  What do I want to keep?

3.  What do others (my adult children especially) say about this tradition?

4.  Do I need to scrap this tradition?  Or do I just need to revamp it?

Note:  When changing traditions, give yourself time to mourn the loss of how the tradition used to be.

   Sometimes you can choose to add traditions, not just have it happen.  I have looked for local events for years.  The good ones become traditions.  Last weekend, for example, I attended two local events that have become traditional for me now.  Candy Cane Land is a combination craft fair and children's event.  They use local volunteers, especially for the kid stuff and everyone has fun.  I love watching the kids go down the snow slide.  In the evening I went to Winter Wonderland, put on by a local church.  No craft fair, but 4 food trucks (besides other food), local community booths, a kids snow slide and a snow ball area.  And two stages.  Good times.  I will go back to both next year.

   Changes in your life can cause you to to want to make changes.  Since my daughter works at Sea World I now have a pass, so a new tradition is to visit there during the holidays.  I don't have a Disneyland pass anymore, so I'm not going to visit there.  Maybe visit Downtown Disney, depends on time.

   The big cause of change for me this year is my mom's illness.  She's in a convalescent hospital now and unable to join us for most of the holiday.  So I'm doing things differently.  Sometimes, when I'm doing things we used to do together, it can make me melancholy.  But I know that, so I plan for it.  New events, that mom and I haven't done together, or old events done differently.  It all helps.  Keep yourself busy.

But most of all, have fun!

Freque Factory - Post High School, Part 3

Freque Factory

Post High School, Part 3

      At the end of my first year of college I was ready for new adventures.  My mom had convinced me to take about a month to visit my adopted brother, Doug, in Alabama.  I was ready for a change.  Barbara had moved out.  Roya and Henry were going to Iran for the summer to meet Roya's mom and dad.  It would be quite an adventure.  HJ had started dating Bob.

   But before I left town Brian came over for a visit.  I have no idea how he got my phone number-maybe from Monique's mom.  The news was good.  He was out of jail.  He'd been through drug rehab and was clean.  He was committed to staying clean.  Brian really, really did not want to return to jail.

   His version of what had happened with him and Monique was different, of course.  He still cared about her (I think that's really why he came over), but wished her the best.  Brian was excited about his future.  He was going to school and had his first legal job.  I was looking at adult Brian.  He was happy.  That's how I like to remember him, because I never saw him again.

   The month I spent in Alabama was pretty important.  I fell in love for the first time.  But in the end I came back to Southern California.  I'll write in more detail about that adventure later.

   Roya and Henry had an amazing trip.  The Iran they visited was still under the Shah, so it was very cosmopolitan.  The heavy Muslim influence wasn't there yet.  Lots of evenings in clubs late night.  Henry passed inspection, but the family (and his) were putting a lot of pressure on the two of them.  By the time they left Iran they were engaged.  The families did not like the idea of the 4 of us in one small apartment, so we found a house to rent.  In my home town.  All this happened while I was gone,   Once I got off the plane I was packing and moving.  In September we started school again.

   Late in September Monique and Blonde made plans for a road trip out to CA.  They made the trip in his sports car, the same one he had driven out to CA before.  Unfortunately they were in a bad car wreck in Colorado.  Icy bridge vs. the car and the car lost.  They only had minor injuries, but the car was totaled.  Monique's parents, when they called them the next morning, unexpectedly offered to pay for plane tickets to Los Angeles.

  Blonde couldn't stand to be separated from his beloved car in its hour of need, so he stayed and went back to Minnesota with it.  He got it repaired, but it never was the same.  Monique flew home.  What she found out when she got there was heart breaking.

   Just about the same time she and Blonde were getting into their wreck Brian was driving home from visiting Freddie up in the Hollywood Hills.  He was hit by another car and his car went off the road and down the canyon.  He probably died instantly.  The coroner's report said Brian was sober.

   Monique's parents were right to wait to tell her at home.  She fell apart.  The coincidences were too much.  She stayed with her parents for several months before going back to Minnesota.  Her marriage was done at this point, she just didn't know it.

   And the others?  Elias and Joanne had gotten married.  She got pregnant.  They both stopped using drugs and drinking while she was pregnant.  Elias worked as a mechanic, his chosen career.  They found out that staying sober worked for them.  He was a better mechanic and soon was making a decent salary.  Joanne found work as a sales clerk.  It wasn't what her parents intended for her, but they were happy.  They found a whole new circle of friends and we didn't hear much from them anymore.

   Susan and Betty both had gotten tired of 1 night stands.  Susan ended up marrying a guy from our town who was a couple of years younger.  I hung out with them some.  She had started cutting ties with Freddie.  Susan tried was not able to get pregnant.  She always thought that was the primary reason her marriage fell apart.  They stayed friends, but divorced.  Susan vowed to stay sober and to have a real life.

   Betty was still dating the one guy from Freddie's crew (besides Brian) who was worthwhile.  They decided to get married.  It was a private ceremony.  Soon after they both cut ties with Freddie.  Betty wasn't able to have children after the Mexican abortion, but her husband didn't mind.  In fact, he encouraged her to go back to working on her art.  Betty was a good artist when she wanted to be.

   Against all off, Joanna and Jim were still together.  I was visiting her one day when Jim tried his last suicide attempt.  She was furious with him.  Joanna made it very clear that she was done with him and the suicide tries.  He checked himself into the hospital, got his stomach pumped and promised Joanna that he would not do that again.  And he didn't.

   She took him back and they got engaged 6 months later.  Jim was unable to get a decent, legal job.  No real job skills and no high school diploma was a problem.  Somehow he was able to get an army recruiter to sign him up.  Just before he entered the service they had the most depressive wedding I've ever seen or been a part of.  Jim had convinced me to give Joanna a place to live while he was in basic.  He didn't want her to continue living with her mother any longer.

More on the fall of 1972 next week.

  

Freque Factory - Post High School, Part 2

Freque Factory

Post High School, Part 2

      By the time the holiday season was over that first year I knew I needed to make some changes in my life.  Living with my mom was impossible.  Living with my dad meant I had to deal with his floozy, and that was unacceptable.   The answer was pretty clear-I needed to move out.

   When I started college I didn't know a lot of people.  That changed. Mostly because I rode the bus. By Christmas I had worked my way into two different groups of people.  One person I met, HJ  needed a new roommate after the first of the year.  I liked her.  The location and the price was right.  Best of all, she had a trundle bed and was willing to let me use one of them.  My parents were ok with letting me take my chest of drawers and night stand, but not the bed, so it worked.  For the first time in my life I was not living with my parents.

   Despite my new friends and roommate, I was still spending time with Monique and her husband.  Brian was back in County Jail.  With him gone Monique felt free to introduce her new husband to Fast Freddie.  I have no idea why.  Freddie still had the hots for Monique, so he put up with Blonde, but Freddie never did make him part of any of his plans.

   So instead, Blonde started trying to make some drug deals with Bad Penny.  Yeah, Bad Penny was back in the picture.  He was living in a small apartment in Hollywood.  One night Monique, Blonde, and I were over there (waiting for Bad Penny and Blonde to finalize a drug deal) and Monique grabs me to take me to BP's bathroom.  Instead she shows me his closet, which has a lot of fancy women's clothes.  He didn't have a girlfriend.  Monique and I were really confused.

   The drug deal fell through, as was often the case.  Instead we sat around while they got stoned.  Eventually Monique asked about the dresses.  It turns out that Bad Penny was wearing the dresses himself.  He was going out at as a female hooker on the streets of Hollywood.  When he had a drunken client he would "roll them", i.e. he would rob them and take off.  He hadn't been caught because what man is going to report being robbed by a female hooker that turned out to be a man?  I can't make this stuff up!

  I think that was the night I ended up driving home Monique's car.  It was a stick shift-first time I had ever driven one.  Luckily it was really late, so not much traffic.  I didn't wreck the car or strip the gears.  I considered it a win.

   Caught up on news from Freddie's family.  Too Cool had married his model girlfriend.  They had a really cute daughter.  He wasn't using cocaine anymore.  He couldn't.  He had used so much he had destroyed the inside of his nose.  So he was drinking instead.  Freddie's sister (the one who was married to the jockey) had committed suicide.  Another sister had done the same before I knew the family.  A history of depression.

   One of the reasons why Blonde was trying to get involved with drug deals was that he was underemployed.  They just didn't have enough money.  And he was getting pressure from his family back in Minnesota.  They wanted Blonde back home. And by summer they had packed up and moved there.

   Since I didn't have a car I had to be creative with my transportation.  I rode the bus a lot, walked, got rides from my new friends, and I started using my old childhood bike.  I got some of the most outlandish paint colors I could and made that bike something that no one would want to steal-and that no one would forget.  It worked.  I put a lot of miles on that thing and it was never stolen.

   As I've written in another blog, I only lived with just HJ for about 2 months before I found myself living with two other people in a 2 bedroom apartment in Montebello.  Closer to school.  Much further from work.  However, about that time I injured my back at work.  Workman's Comp. gave me several weeks paid leave.  The pain did eventually go away, but it was the start of some chronic back pain I still deal with, especially when stressed.  I decided to leave my job.  For one thing, it really was too far to commute from my new place.  And I was about to go visit my brother in Alabama for about a month.  I'd been frugal with my money, so I had enough to pay my bills through September, at least.  I'd get another job then.

   We called our apartment the United Nations and it was possibly the best transition to adulthood I could have had.

  Now Monique was not having it so easy in Minnesota.  They arrived and promptly moved in Blonde's parents.  The dad was rather nondescript.   but Monique's mother-n-law!  The woman' name was Gert.  She was overbearing, opinionated, and clearly in charge of the house and everyone in it.  Monique would tell me stories about living in Gert's house and I sometimes didn't believe her.  I mean, what woman has light salmon colored rugs in her halls and insists that no one wear shoes on them or have dirty feet?  Much later I visited Monique in Minnesota and briefly met Gert.  The salmon colored rugs were real, and I think Monique didn't tell me half the stories she could have.  My goodness!  That woman could have kept a therapist in clients for years.

   Monique was miserable.  After several months, with both of them working, she and Blonde were able to afford a cheap, basement apartment in St. Paul.  To Monique it seemed like heaven.  Monique was trying to get pregnant, but not having any luck.  She was also noticing that her husband was not acting the same way he had in CA.  More and more he was becoming a weaselly mamma's boy.  This did not bode well or her marriage.

Momma Sandy Says - Teens and Activities

Momma Sandy Says

Teens and Activities

     American teens are all different.  Despite their herd tendencies, teens have different responses to things.  Activities are a good example.  In my opinion, teens tend to fall into 3 categories regarding activities.  You can have a teen who is involved with seemingly every activity.  They are busy all the time.  The second group I like to call Cave Dwellers.  These are the teens who almost never seem to leave their rooms or their computers.  They're almost the stereotyped nerd.  Lots of gamer geeks, but art and such fall into this too.  The third group consists of a mix of the above.  These are the kids who are almost balanced.

   As a parent you want your kid to be balanced.  You want them to be active, but to take time for themselves as well.  How do you encourage this?

  The kids who are always active with various activities can be just as disconnected from their families as the Cave Dwellers.  A question that occurs to me is to wonder why they feel they have to be doing so much? There might not be a problem.  But there could be.  Keep your eyes and ears open.

   Something to think about is that many parents keep their children busy.  After school sports, classes, etc.  A lot of modern kids do not usually have time to just play.  I tried to avoid that. When kids are always busy, they tend to follow that pattern as teens-only now they can choose more of the activities they are a part of.

   Another thing that happens is that teens can be led to believe that they need to be a part of a lot of different activities to look good on college applications.  I've been hearing that one since the 1970's.  While there may be some truth in this, well rounded does not mean that your teen is so busy they have no time to breathe, let alone spend time with family or friends, apart from activities.

   Check your own example.  Do you spend your life rushing from one thing to another?  Are you so busy that you have to schedule time to talk to your kids?  If you are, then you know why your teens are so busy.  Just being like you.  Teach your children by example that they need to take time to slow down and just be.

   I'm assuming you have kept lines of communication open with your teen.  If you're noticing that they're never around, have them schedule you some time.  Talk to them about how much they are involved in.  How is all that busy affecting their lives?  Do they have time for friends?  For family?  Are they happy?  If there are some negative answers there help them to look at their commitments and to find places where they can cut back.  Tell them it's ok for them to say, "My parents insist I not do as much." Take some time for you and your teen to do simple stuff together.  You won't regret it.

   On the other end of the spectrum is the teen who never seems to leave his or her room.  They may seem to be permanently attached to their computer.  You maybe dealing with a teen who is addicted to computer interaction and/or computer games.  Social interaction online may seem safer than interaction in real life.

   You will need to communicate with your teen to find out what's going on in their head.  Why are they avoiding real life contact?  Listen to what they are saying.  Think before you respond.  How can you come alongside them to help?

   As easy as it might sound, for some kids just getting them involved in other things (outside their comfort zone) may not solve the underlying problems.

   All that said, I am a big believer in teaching your children to get involved in stuff.  I am a firm believer in volunteerism.  I am happy that many American schools require a certain number of volunteer hours as a volunteer in order to graduate.

   Like so many other things, volunteerism should be modeled by you, the parent.  It really doesn't matter where you help out.  It can be church, scouts, work related, civic organizations, etc. Or just a non-profit that appeals to you.  When it's appropriate, take your kids with you when you volunteer.  I have a sister-in-law who used part of her vacation time each year to work with Habitat for Humanity.  Dirty, messy work, but what a great cause! Help others and teach your kid to do the same!

   A free bit of advice.  Before bringing your teen to adult activities there are some things to think about. What sort of things will happen here?  Is there any danger to your child?  Do you really want your child exposed to this?  Would CPS be knocking on your door if you did?  Use your brain.  Prepare your child for what they might be exposed to.

Freque Factory - Post High School

Freque Factory

Post High School

     In September 1971 Monique and I started Community College.  I was still working my job at the convalescent hospital.  One night, during the first week, I came home late after hanging out with Monique and friends.  I turned the light on to find my father sleeping on the couch.  That had never happened before.  I quickly went to sleep, but I was very confused.  The next day my dad moved out.  Their marriage was finally over.

   My dad got himself an apartment.  We had always had an honest relationship.  That didn't change.  He frankly admitted that he had a mistress for about a year.  He talked about the marriage.  My mom. on the other hand, had what would have been called back then, a nervous breakdown.  I was still living with her at the time.  I'd come home from work and she'd talk at me, non stop.  In retrospect, she was trying to process how her life had just come undone.  But using me as her sounding board was wrong.  I would grab a quick meal and escape to my room where I would quickly lock my door-otherwise she would have come right in, still taking.  Some nights she was so upset she would keep talking through the door.

  Monique quickly realized that college was not for her.  I think she lasted 2 weeks.  Her parents quickly gave her an ultimatum-either school or get a job.  What Monique really wanted to be was like her mother.  But for that she needed a husband.

   Fate, of course, intervened.  Remember Bad Penny?  He was originally from Minnesota.  His crazy family, including his junkie sister still lived there.  One of his childhood friends had just gotten out of the service at this point, and he and another friend decided to move to Hawaii to take construction jobs with family there.  So the two guys made a road trip in their cool car.  They decided to stop in Los Angeles to visit Bad Penny, who they were still in contact with.  Bad Penny was still in jail, but he had sent them Betty's contact info and that led them to Monique's place.

   Despite the connection, Monique's mom took the two guys in. Ex servicemen, clean cut, they seemed like a nice change from most of the guys Monique had been around.  Monique quickly started dating the blonde.  He was the one with the cool car (old Mustang) and the family connections in Hawaii.  The brunette worked his way through most of the women of our group.  Plus more.  I think he was making up for his time in the army.  Brian was still in jail.  Monique was engaged by Thanksgiving.

    Life was getting stranger for me.  My dad had finally gotten my mom out of the family business.  I couldn't handle living with mom any more, so I told my dad about it.  He offered to have me move into his 1 bedroom apartment.  It meant I slept on the couch.  Despite that, I enjoyed living there.  It was peaceful.  My dad would spend nights at his floozy's place, so I was living my myself sometimes.  That was a first.  The only problem was that sometimes the Floozy would want to spend the night at my dad's.  For some reason, I was not allowed to be at the apartment when she was spending the night.  Unfortunately I would have to spend the night at my mom's.  Sometimes at the last minute.  When mom would ask why why I was there I'd have to come up with some reason-telling her I was there because of Floozy would not have been good.

   That first semester of college was my strangest.  Because of the stress of my parent's divorce I was unable to pass most of my classes.  In fact, I dropped all of them except my German language class.  I never did that again.

   Christmas that year was not my strangest (one a few years later gets that title), but it was rough.  Christmas Eve (and that night) I spent with my mom. The next morning my dad picked me up and we celebrated Christmas morning.  To my surprise, I found out that we were going to be joining Floozy and her two kids for Christmas diner.  Not my idea of fun.  I had already met Floozy.  I found her to be selfish and somewhat mean spirited.  She pretended to like me.  Her kids were interesting.  The daughter was just younger than me.  She was a Salvation Army convert.  In fact, she took us to church service there that night.  I wasn't impressed by her, despite her Christianity.  While I liked the son, he was trouble.  Largely amoral and already involved in minor crime.  Also functionally illiterate.  A big 16 year old.

   After the holiday season I went back to school.  Monique began planning her wedding.  Blonde's family was not happy about this turn of events.  They had never met Monique.  They suspected her of being a gold digger.  The family in Hawaii cancelled the job offer. With no employment, brunette went back to Minnesota.  I never saw him again.

    The wedding was sort of thrown together.  But it did happen.  Brian got out of jail just before and he did talk to Monique.  He was still in love with her and accused her of marrying just to get out of the house.  Monique was afraid he'd show up at the wedding.  He didn't.  I thought he was right.

   Blonde and Monique got a small apartment locally.  He got a decent job.  Monique worked some.  They were the first of our group to get married.  Their place became a place we all hung out.

  

Freque Factory, Senior Year, Part 2

Freque Factory

Senior Year, Part 2

        With January of our senior year, Monique and I were ready to make some decisions.  We were both going to go to our local community college.  Betty and Susan didn't know what they were going to do.

    Things drifted along until February of that year.  Then, one morning we were awakened by a 6.1 earthquake.  That was a scary one!  We were all ok, but my apartment had cracks in the walls it didn't before.  We had to go to school, though no ones minds were on learning.  Every time we had an after shock we lost it again.  I remember hearing someone screaming during one of the aftershocks.

   We had a scout meeting that night.  I remember  Monique and I leaving early to talk.  She told me that she had finally smoked marijuana for the first time.  She liked it a lot and was looking forward to doing it again.  She said that she wasn't going to try anything else.  That didn't last long.  From then on, although we continued having adventures, Monique often wasn't sober.  But then, sometimes, neither was I.

   Monique was cast in the school play.  She got to play Bloody Mary in "South Pacific."  I got to see her perform in the final dress rehearsal.  I wasn't there for any of the performances because I was on my dad's sail boat, taking part in the Newport Beach to Ensenada, Mexico sailboat race.  I had been sailing and racing since I was 13.  This was the first big race my dad had let me join his crew for a big race like this.  The weather turned out to be crappy-drizzle rain and overcast the whole time.  And cold.  None of us were dry.  We gave up just south of the border-we'd been sailing for almost 24 hours and the conditions were getting to us.  So we turned around and went into San Diego.  That may have been one of the best showers of my life!

   We still had to bring the boat back, even though we had given up on the race.  Most of the rest of the crew got rides home, so it was just 3 of us bringing the boat back.  I ended up missing about a week of school.  I came back sunburned.  The attendance counselor didn't really believe the note from my parents, excusing my absence, but there wasn't anything he could do.  It felt odd to be back in school after being on the ocean for a week.  I've since talked to people who grew up sailing and they had the same experience.

   Monique was fighting with Brian again.  This one was serious.

Before we were ready for it, June and graduation was upon us.  It was surreal.  I was beginning to realize that after we graduated I was not going to see many of these people again.  Strange.  Some of the people I was graduating with I had been going to school with since kindergarten.  My friend Bill had graduated early, but he came back for the ceremony.  I was relieved.  Bill's last name came before mine alphabetically and I had followed him for years.  Graduating without him in front of me just seemed wrong.

   Once the ceremony was over and we had turned in our robes and such, we were off to our Grad party.  It was at this recreational center someplace.  There was bowling, movies, all kinds of stuff to do.  Since Monique had broken up with Brian at this point she was flirting with one of our classmates.  That left me to be with his best friend.

   Our Grad party was as surreal as the ceremony.  As the evening wore on I realized that most of my classmates were not sober.  A whole lot of marijuana was consumed that night.  It was a night of most of us realizing things we hadn't known about the others.  Wait-you're cool?   I will note that the friend, while a nice guy, kissed horribly.  I dumped him soon after.

      Around noon the next day I was finally awake.  My parents had let me sleep in, but reality soon hit.  I was informed that the next day I had to start looking for a job.  I had to go out and honestly search every day until I had a job.  No longer could I work for my parents, like I always had.  This was shocking.  And remember, I didn't have a car.  The summer heat had started early.  It was not a fun two weeks.  But I did eventually, in desperation, convince a local convalescent hospital to hire me as a dish washer and waitress.

   Monique didn't have to work.  Often she would pick me up from work and we'd go out.  My parents were having even more problems with their marriage, so they didn't seem to notice my late hours.    We went dancing and to concerts.  Monique was dating quite a few different guys.  Brian had been arrested.  He was over 18, so he went to county jail.  I found out later that one day Brian looked up and they were bringing another prisoner to his cell-Bad Penny!  Brian started screaming that if they put Penny in his cell he'd kill him.  I don't think Brian was kidding.

   My 18th birthday was as surreal as the rest of the summer.  The Constitutional Amendment, giving 18 year olds the right to vote was now in effect, so I went down to City Hall to register to vote.  I've done pretty well with that-I've only missed voting in one election.  After work Monique picked me up and threw a party for me at her place.  It was the first time I had ever dropped acid.  Monique made me a purple and green birthday cake.  She was still the star.

     A few short weeks later we were to start college.  My childhood was over.  I just didn't know it.

Mamma Sandy Says - Family and Teens

Mamma Sandy Says

Family and Teens

     Teenagers tend to be pack creatures.  For those teen years, their friends are often more important than their families.  How do you teach your children the value of family?

  I may be sounding a bit like a broken record.  You have to start instilling those values early.  A child who understands the value of family will usually come back to it once the teen years are over.  At the center of their universe is themselves.  The first circle out is the immediate family.  A larger circle is the extended family.  Friends are like a separate circle that overlaps.  Acquaintances are an even larger circle.

   But let's talk about how to teach your younger children about family.  Not immediate family.  You should be modeling that already.  But what about the extended family-grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins?  

   Let's use my own family as an example.  My mother was the youngest of 7 kids.  All married, so I'm one of 15 cousins.  Two of mom's siblings stayed in New York (along with the5 kids), but that's still a lot of relatives I grew up knowing.

   How did my parents do it?  First, they took part in family events when I was young.  Twice a year most of mom's family got together-camping for a week during the summer, and for a few days at Christmas.  My aunt, who lived in the town next to us had 6 kids.  She was willing to babysit me for a weekend, or even just overnight when my parents needed some alone time.  Because I was over there several times a year, I was like one of family.  Seeing the rest of my cousins twice a year was usually enough to keep us connected.  I was one of the younger cousins, so I really admired my older cousins.

   Another thing my  parents did was to tell me stories about the family.  That, combined with photos we would look at kept my mom's family alive for me.  I didn't know my Aunt Marion or Uncle Everett, but stories and Christmas card photos made them "family I haven't met yet."

  My parents also modeled appropriate behavior with the extended family.  My Uncle Murray was a selfish, rather self-important man, but my parents always treated him with respect.  Even I knew at a young age that my Uncle could be an ass, but my parents always spoke to him politely.  Why?  Because they were showing him the respect he was due as my Aunt's husband.

   This modeling came in handy after my parents divorced and he married "the other woman."  My father clearly was not thinking straight those years.  His second wife was a horrible woman.  Yet, following my training, I always showed that woman all the courtesy she was due as my father's wife.  And I taught my kids to do the same.  They knew that this "grandma" was not a nice person, yet I insisted they treat her politely.  He did finally divorce her, by the way.   Fast forward several years.  I'm now divorced and my ex now has a second wife.  The woman has her issues.  I could have treated the woman horribly and caused all sorts of problems.  But I have always done my best to treat her with the respect she deserves as the wife of my ex, and my children's stepmother.  And I have insisted that my children treat her with the respect due the wife of their father.  I'm hoping they pass on this respect to any children they might have.

   It is a fact that not all families are perfect and some families may have people in them that are problematic.  The problems can range from the minor to the major (like criminals and pedophiles).  Of course you will need to keep your children away from family members who might hurt them.  If Great Uncle Freddie is known to be a pedophile (though it's a family secret), they you have the responsibility to make sure that your children are never anyplace where Freddie might be.  I know of a couple who cut off contact with a part of one family for just that reason.  Set appropriate boundaries.

   But with all the problem family members you as parents will need to explain to your children why you don't spend time with that family member (s).  Keep the explanations simple and in an age/intelligence appropriate way.  My mom's family tended to solve problems with family members by shunning them.  No one spoke to mom's brother Ralph for several years.  In his grief over the loss of his second wife he made several decisions that affected the rest of the family in negative ways.  I know I had never seen my mom so angry before.  My parents explained to me that we were going to leave Uncle Ralph alone for a while so he could not be so sad and was able to make better decisions again.  Considering how mad he had made my mom, that was a good idea, I reasoned.  And it did work.

   Sometimes family members will choose to opt out of your family. It might be for some good reasons.  Maybe they just need some time away  This is especially true if they are having issues with a particular family member.  But sometimes the reasons are not so good.  A family member might stay away due to illness (physical and/or mental), financial reversals, arrest and/or conviction of a crime, or even abuse.  We always suspected a form of abuse in the case of my Uncle Everett.

   My Uncle Everett was a lot like Grandpa Connor-easy going, but with an Irish temper.  Everett came back from WWII and married the little sister of his best friend.  Unfortunately my Aunt Jo was raised to believe herself a princess.  Her family was everything to her and Everett's was nothing.  Jo would go as far as to cancel planned outings with our family members who were visiting.  Although Everett missed his family, his contact with us was cut to almost nothing over the years-barely a Christmas card.

   The good news is that with the eventual death of Jo, Everett was able to move out to CA, where his children and the rest of us already were.  He was welcomed back into the family with open arms and spent the rest of his life enjoying all of us.  Which bring up the point-when family members want to come back, if there is no reason against it, welcome them back.  It teaches your children a valuable lesson about forgiveness.

   And quickly, when dealing with the family issues of divorce and remarriage, be gentle and kind when explaining them to your children.

But the focus of this is teens.  By modeling the above to them in their younger years, you have a solid basis set up.  They understand that family, including extended family is important.  But don't be surprised if they have no interest in family and family events.  They may flatly refuse to attend extended family events, claiming that time with their friends is more important.  And for them at that time, maybe it is.  Think about it, unless they have developed friendship relationships with other extended family members (cousins), something like a family reunion is BORING.  Teen are not usually at a point where they can see the value in talking to older adults.  And family members in their age range may or may not be worth spending time with.

    An example of this is a family reunion I helped set up for my mom's family.  Within an hour of the party starting, all of the teens were in a cluster, getting to know each other.  My daughter had gotten to know a couple of them due to family vacations, so there was an open door.  But their overall report was that it was a boring day.

  Before I go on to the good news, I do need to remind you that sugar coating information about family members is probably not a good idea.  Telling them that Great Uncle Freddie is not a nice person so we stay away from him works when they're little.  But when they're teens, it's safer for them to know that Uncle Freddie was arrested for pedophilia.  For more minor stuff, be honest, help them to keep safe.

The good news is that your teen's opinions about family can change.  Or maybe not be a problem.  My children have always been close to their cousins from their father's family.  It helps that they see them on a regular basis.  One cousin is more like a sister to them.

  I find is fascinating that as adults my children have a solid relationship with a step cousin that they only saw on rare occasions when they were kids.  But that cousin now lives close to my daughter and a chance meeting via mutual friends reforged the link.  Another cousin, on my side could have been the same, but he's rather self focused and my kids wrote him off.  It altogether possible that the relationship with that cousin could change as well.  It's interesting to watch.

   But what about your older kids and extended family of your generation?  I am very happy to report that as adults my children are able to appreciate my adult cousins now, mostly.  Recently my daughter spent time with my cousins from New York.  All voluntary.  They had only met once before, but my daughter was an adult by then and was fascinated by the stories.  These cousins are great people and I'm glad my kids have had a chance to know them.

So the answer is, if you lay the proper foundation, the odds are that your children will survive their teen years and come to recognize the value of family.

Freque Factory - Senior Year

Freque Factory

Senior Year

   By the time we started our senior year of high school Monique had her driver's license.  She also had the primary use of an old Ford Falcon station wagon.  I had finished all the requirements, but my father was unwilling to stop being the only driver in the family.  No car was available for me either, and he wasn't willing to pay for my auto insurance (or the increase in the insurance of the family car) if I was able to get a car.  So I shrugged my shoulders, chalked it up to parental foolishness and got myself an official ID card instead.  Mostly I got around by walking, riding the bus, and rides from friends.

   Monique and I put a lot of miles on that old Ford Falcon.  Besides school and our homes, the most common places we drove to were Brian's house and where ever Freddie was living.  Usually Freddie's place was where we'd meet Brian.  Freddie moved around quite a bit, so it was always interesting.  One time he spent almost a year living in a place Vincent Price had previously lived in.

   It was at one of the homes that I finally met Freddie's older brother.  It was clear where all the family good looks had gone.  The guy was movie star-model-rock star handsome.  We nicknamed him "Too Cool," since clearly he knew he was.  Mostly he didn't acknowledge our presence.  I was offended at first.  Later on I was grateful.

   Too Cool may have been good to look at, but he was not a nice person.  When I first met him he was supplementing his money from dad by running a string of prostitutes.  I'm not making this stuff up.  His whores were high class and expensive, but he kept them submissive with drugs and violence.  His girlfriend was a high fashion model.  Together they would fly down to South America about once a month.  They would use the trip to smuggle cocaine out.  Surprisingly, they were never caught.  Too Cool developed a major cocaine habit.

   We usually drove out there to go dancing or to hear some music.  Susan would sometimes come out with us, since she was quasi dating Freddie by this point.  They were never serious about each other, but it was convenient.  Unfortunately, we often had to wait to go out while the guys took care of a drug deal.  Brian and Freddie had moved up to a higher class of drug dealing.

   Quite often Monique would get mad a Brian for the delay because it usually meant that we weren't going out.  So a trip clear out there for nothing.  We both learned to stay out of the way during the delays.  I didn't really want to know about their drug dealing and neither did Monique.  Sometimes Too Cool would be there as well.  Monique eventually became friends with Too Cool's girlfriend (eventually wife).  That friendship lasted many years.

   A pattern developed.  Monique and Brian would get into a fight and separate.  No more trips out to Hollywood for a while.  She'd start dating other guys.  Eventually Brian would come begging back, promising to stop using and selling drugs.  Sooner or later she would start going out with him again and the whole cycle would start all over again.

   We did have adventures in Hollywood besides being with Brian.  One time Monique tried out to be a contestant on a tv show called "The Dating Game."  She didn't get picked.  They asked me to compete as well, but I said no.

   Another time we went out to this Teen Expo in Hollywood.  Susan's dad had just visited and left her with over $200.  She paid our admission and we had a lot of fun.  Susan and Bette, of course, gravitated towards the rock musicians.

   Our friend Joanne had graduated from high school the year before.  She was attending the local community college.  She was still dating Jim sometimes.  He was working legit jobs sometimes, selling drugs sometimes, and still trying to commit suicide to hurt his family sometimes.

   That November Joanne's father died of a massive heart attack.  Totally unexpected.  Her family rapidly fell apart.  Her brother was already out of the area attending college.  I'm not sure how he financed it, but he eventually became a lawyer like his dad.  Joanne's mom retreated into some pretty deep depression.  When the dust settled, the family found out there really wasn't much money available.  So Joanne left school and started working.

   Some new people joined the group.  One of the most memorable was a guy we called the "Bad Penny."  He was such a slime ball.  No morals to speak of.  Betty dated him for a while, but even she dropped him.  Sometimes Bad Penny would vanish for a while.  We'd all breath a sigh of relief.  Probably in jail for drug charges or something.  Monique developed a superstition that if anyone mentioned his real name, Bad Penny would show up again.  It did seem to be true.  Even Freddie avoided Bad Penny, though he would use him if a deal was especially sleazy.

   It seemed like a lot of things were changing.  My parents were having another rough spot in their marriage.  The last time they didn't tell me about it until they had pretty much worked through it.  As long as it didn't effect me too much, I pretended not to notice, which was what they wanted me to do.

   It being senior year, that fall I visited local colleges and started filling out college applications.  My parents had always said that if I could get in, they would find a way to help me go to college.  I wasn't sure what I wanted to study (or be when I grew up), but there were some good local colleges that I would have enjoyed going to.  I said "would."  As I filling out applications one night that fall, my dad interrupted me, asking me what I was doing?

   In retrospect, it had to have been a very difficult conversation for him.  My dad sat down and carefully explained to me that they didn't have the money to send me to a 4 year college.  They could help me with a local community college, but even that I would have to mostly pay for myself.  I was devastated.  I still point to that conversation as the point in which my childhood ended.  I was emotionally wounded all over again when, a year later I found out that my father had been spending money on a mistress for the last 2 years or so.

  That was the first half of my senior year of high school.  It had already been pretty strange.  I had no idea how strange it was going to get.

Momma Sandy Says - Alternative Lifestyles, Part 2

Momma Sandy Says

Alternative Life Styles, Part Two

   I want to start off by stating that I do not know everything there is to know about alternative lifestyles.  I really don't.  And this is not the place to talk about all the details.  My concern is how these lifestyles affect any children attached to the adults involved with these lifestyles.  Today's blog concerns some of the more problematic lifestyle issues:  BDSM and Fetishism.

  A bit of explanation.  What I call BDSM are the practices that involve Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, and Masochism.  They have involved into quite a big thing.  The practices may not be sexual in nature.  But for many, there is a strong sexual element involved.

   I also want to make it clear that there is a broad spectrum of people involved in these practices.  They can range from the couple that will role play the prisoner/warden sexual scenario to a couple that lives a lifestyle that includes a basement that resembles a torture chamber.

   When it is two consenting adults, there is usually no problem, as long as the rules of the practices are obeyed and no one is hurt (that doesn't want to be).  HOWEVER, if there are children in the house, things change.

   A practical note, if any couple with children want to have sex, especially if it's "kinkier" sex, they should have a lock on their bedroom door.  Children do not need to have full access to you all the time.  It is ok for you (and especially both of you) to have "you" time.  Your children can be trained to knock on your locked door.  

   As a parent, if you are involved in the milder BDSM stuff as a fun varient in your sexual life, do so, BUT, only behind your locked doors.  Role play cannot happen around the house if kids are home.  Anything used in bondage play MUST be put away.  Kids will find stuff.  And they will tell their friends, or worse, a teacher.  You really do not want the phone call asking why you have handcuffs or whips where your child could find them.

   There are people who live the Dominant/Submissive roles as a lifestyle.  The Sub proudly wearing the master's collar is a big clue.  When there are no children involved-no problem.  However, if there are children involved, a D/S couple really need to think about how they are going to deal with this.

   Here's the thing.  It doesn't matter how much the D/S lifestyle is necessary to you.  If there are children present, the outside world (and child protective services) is going to view your lifestyle as one of victim and bully/abuser.  It will not be seen as appropriate for you to be exposing the child in your home to this training.  And it is a reasonable assumption for outsiders to make.  Too often, that kind of behavior in the home leads to spousal, and often, child abuse.  And maybe even murder.

  So, if you are a D/S couple, work it out.  Save the heavy behavior for the locked bedroom (and put away the evidence) or the Club.  Let me make this simple.  If there are children in the home, the BDSM stuff has to go visibly away.  No dungeon with chains, handcuffs & whips in the basement.  The kids will somehow get in there.  And they will want to play in there with their friends.  That's not a conversation you want to have with Social Services.

  As important as this lifestyle may be to you, put it on hold until the children are nearly adults.  Take vacation time where you can indulge in this.  But leave the kids out of it.  The D/S couples with children that I know that are doing this are raising broadminded children.  You can do the same.  And if you can't put your lifestyle on hold-if you really, really need your sub to parade in collar and leather all around the house, then don't have children.  It's that simple.

   I'm including fetishism in this listing because specific fetishes can be part of a lifestyle.  The fact is, anything sexual that can be imagined has been done, and there is probably porn of it on the internet.  Fetishes can be mild, or they can be complicated.  Or even illegal.  Many fetishes are sexual in nature.  Some aren't.  Or, some might not be, depending on the individual.

   So what constitutes a fetish?  Can be almost anything.  A person wearing the underwear of the other gender on a regular basis to feel better about themselves.  A person who cannot perform sexually unless they are wearing a clown nose.  People involved in Pony Play (yes, it's a real thing).  Furries.  Bronies.  People who have sex with animals.

   I will state that as far as I know, Pony Play tends to be sexually charged.  Furries (people who dress in full costumes of other creatures) may or may not be sexual.  It may just be how they want the world to see them, or how they are most comfortable.  Bronies are men who dress up as characters in My Little Ponies.  I kid you not.  I was at DragonCon and happened to be at a location where a Bronnie Meet up was getting out.  They aren't necessarily sexual, but there is a strong homo-erotic element.  Sex with animals is usually illegal.  And just a bad idea.

   All of the above are real and I know people who do that stuff.  Except for the clown nose.  That's just funny to me.

   But let's get back to this stuff and children.  My advice here is pretty much the same as with the BDSM stuff.  Locked bedroom, not around the kids, don't leave the stuff around for the children to find.  Go to BondageCom for the Pony Play.  Or get a babysitter and go to someone else's house to do it.    Any sort of dressing up with any sexual connection should not be happening around children.  And the animal stuff-just no!!!

   Are we clear?  The kinkier stuff should not be around children.  They don't have the capacity to understand the differences.  And the practices are often just not understood or allowed.  If you have children, don't be stupid!

Getting off my soap box now.

Freque Factory - Add on

Freque Factory

Add On

  Some recent news events reminded me of this story which happened while I was a freshman in high school.

   In 1967 I was a high school freshman.  Politically I considered myself somewhat educated.  but my parents had kept me away from much of the harsher side of life.  I had learned about racism; the Watts riots had been the summer before.  My parents were honest about the causes.  I listened to the stories.  The shoe repair store down the street had an older black man who helped.  The store owner had the helper stay with him during the riots.  The helper lived in Watts and his family told him not to try to come home.

   But this is about a biker funeral procession I saw when I was a freshman.  As the bell rang, dismissing us to go home, I was blissfully aware of what had happened a few miles away.  A member of a local outlaw motorcycle gang had died (stabbed to death) in a biker bar a few nights before.  In true biker fashion there had been a wake, followed the next afternoon by the funeral service and the procession to the cemetary.

   I have no idea how the procession route was chosen.  But it went right by my high school just after we had been dismissed.  It wasn't a small procession either.  First there was the hearse, followed by the funeral home family limo.  Then there were the motorcycles.  They kept coming.  Rows of them, at least 4 in a row.  And cars full of bikers who were too stoned/drunk to drive.  Looking back on it now, there had to have been over 200 people in that procession.

   What amazed me weren't the motorcycles.  It was the people.  I had never seen people like that.  Almost everyone was dressed in black.  Black leathers.  Lots of heavy make up on the women.  They were like a nightmare.  It was every motorcycle gang stereotype in real life. 
   It was scary.  I had never imagined that people like that actually existed.  Eventually the procession ended and I was able to cross the street and walk home.  No one was home for a few hours, so I had time to process the experience a bit.  I wrote in my journal, "Today I saw my first motorcycle gang funeral.  I hope I never see another one."  I haven't.  I'm ok with that.

   What triggered this memory was a police shooting in my home town.  At 4 in the morning a SWAT task force (gang, Drug Enforcement, local, SWAT) showed up to serve a warrant at a home.  I think 4 a.m. is the preferred time to catch bad guys.  The police got the screen door open when the main door opened and the suspect fired a shot gun.  The bullet hit an officer apparently in the back of his head.  He died the next day.  The suspect, realizing what he had done, immediately put the gun down and "assumed the position."  He's in jail-no bail.  No doubt he's going away for a long time.
     I found out about this from a facebook site devoted to my high school.  The media gave the wrong address at first.  The real one was probably 2 houses down from where I had lived for a while when I was 19 with my UN roommates.  Just down the road (2 long blocks) from my elementary school.  A block and a half from where my parents had their business.  A very residential street.  It was an odd feeling.
    And to make it stranger, the suspect is reported to be a member of the same outlaw motorcycle gang that I had witnessed at the funeral procession.   Sometimes the oddest things bring up memories.
  

Mamma Sandy Says - Alternative Life Styles and Raising Children

Mamma Sandy Says

Alternative Life Styles and Raising Children

      There are lots of definitions of what alternative life styles are. More conservative individuals in America would say that families are only 1 man, 1 woman plus their children.  I view that as unrealistic.  A "normal" American is also just as likely to be a single parent family, or a blended family.  All three have been found consistently in American history.  What?  You've never heard of the widow Martha Custis who married George Washington?  Single mom and blended family.

   Below is a list of examples of what could be called alternative lifestyles.  I'll look at each of them.

A.  Homosexual (gay and lesbian)

B.  Trans

C. Bi

D.  Poly - both religious and otherwise

E.  BDSM and Fetishism

A.  Family units where both partners are of the same gender are becoming more common.  In some areas they are becoming accepted to a larger degree and may even be legal.  That's a big thing.  I am glad that things are getting better here.

   However, we don't live in a perfect world.  Any children from these unions are, unless the world changes more than I think it will, going to have to deal with prejudice.  And, sadly enough, probably from their teachers, coaches, the parents of their friends, etc.  Their peers will, hopefully, not care unless they have been trained to do so.  If you are in this category, you will have to be watching for this.  Be proactive as needed.  Your job will be to raise a tolerant child.  Don't allow them to hate or act out because of your choices.

B.  By Trans, I mean transgender.  These are individuals that do not view themselves as being the gender they were born in to.  There is treatment, including hormones and surgery to help an individual in this situation to become who they really are, but it's expensive and takes a long time.  Because of the time involved, there are references to pre and post operation transgenders.  It's a complex situation that includes time spent with a therapist (required for the surgery).

   There are transgenders with children.  There are trans individuals that are part of blended families.  And it can get stranger.  But how does this effect the kids?  It can cause a sexual identity issues for the kids.  Or it might not.  Not all children of homosexuals become homosexuals themselves.  But parents, like with same gender couples, need to teach their children tolerance and understanding.  Oddly enough, depending on the age of the child, it may have little effect.  If it is not generally known that one of the parents is a trans, some of the problems of same sex couples may not happen.

C.  A family with one or both partners being bisexual may or may not be problematic.  The children will need to understand what bisexuality is.  And to promote tolerance.  However, problems can occur when the bisexual parent decides that they need sexual partners of both genders to be happy.  That family has now gone from almost traditional to being poly..  And that's a whole different set of problems.

D.  By poly, I mean people who have more than one sexual partner at a time.  The technical term is polyamorism.  I thought of 5 different types of poly relationships and I have known people involved in all of them.  Let's look, then I'll talk about some of the problems once children are involved.

   Swingers are people that have sex with individuals that are not their spouse, but there is no involvement.  A one night stand or a series of them falls in this category.  Arranging to share spouses for just one time fits in here.  As does Swinger clubs, having sex with people you met on a dating website, etc.  The key is that there is no long term committment.

   Another option is for short term additional partners away from the home.  I knew of a situation where a wife had a standing arrangement to meet her long time lover every time she crossed the country to visit home.  This particular situation lasted longer than most, but the idea is that these additional sexual situations do not interfere with what happens at home

   A third option is when one partner brings an additional partner home for a limited time.  This opens the door to a big can of worms, especially if there are children in the home.

   I've also know couples who bring in a 3rd person into their home for extended periods.  This is in effect adding a second spouse.  It can become a group marriage is both spouses bring in an extra spouse, or two.  Whee!

   Lastly, there is religiously sponsored polygamy.  It's real, not just on television.  

   Now in my opinion, poly = drama.  All of the above forms of multiple love can work if both partners communicate their wants and needs and are willing to abide by mutually agreed upon rules.  Poly couples that survive usually have veto rights on their partners choices.  I know of a poly couple where the wife chooses her husband's extramarital partners.  She knows what he would like and what she can tolerate.  Go them.  But there have to be clear rules that both follow.  Otherwise, drama.

   In most places, having more than one spouse is illegal.  That is a problem with children.  Starting with custody issues.  And what name goes on paperwork?  Think back to the issues the second and third wives dealt with on the television show "Big House" (worth watching) and you'll get a good idea of what I mean.

   The good news is that many of the poly relationships (especially the short term ones) do not produce children.  Often the children are from the primary couple.  There may be additional children added to the family unit from prior relationships.  So a blended poly family unit.  Whee!

   What I've noticed in religious based polygamy is that there are usually built in cultural solutions for many of the potential problems including children.  Poly family units should consider looking to see if some of those cultural solutions would work for them.

   While it was more popular in hippie days, group marriages still exist today.  It requires a lot of communication, and a group lifestyle.  Back in the hippie days children were shared (like some other cultures) and sometimes only the birth mother's identity was known, due to the sexual partners.

There can be a lot of issues with families that are poly in nature.  First, is the poly nature of the family to be kept secret?  The kids will have to understand that some parts of their home life should not be shared with outsiders, especially with teachers, doctors, coaches, etc.  They will need to let the parents explain.

   What last name will the children have?  Not a problem with the primary couple.  Or for the kids from a prior relationship.  But what about kids from primary dad and second wife?  Gets back to the secrecy thing.

   Who pays what?  Who covers the kids on the insurance?  Who goes to parent teacher conferences?

   But the big question is what happens when the poly relationship breaks up?  It's hard enough when there are no children involved.  Adding children adds several layers to the things that have to be dealt with.  Remember, once you have a child with someone you really are tied to that person for at least 16-18 years-even if you can no longer stand each other.  

Quick notes:

Same sex couples:  a need to teach tolerance and to watch for others being unkind to your kid because of your choices.

Trans:  Might be very few problems for your kids or, based on the continuum,  there might be all sorts of weird stuff that will need to be explained.  At the very least, your children will have to understand more about the nature of sexuality that most of their friends.  And, of course, lots of tolerance.

Bi:  See trans.

Poly:  If you are poly by nature, you will have to think about how you practice it if you are going to have children.  What's more important-your sexual needs or the proper raising of your children?  It's not impossible to have both, but it's going to include more work.  Religious groups that practice polygamy often have cultural safeguards built in to protect the children.

I'm going to have to end this here.  It's late and I have an additional page of notes on BDSM and Fetishism.  That will just have to get written another time.

Freque Factory Chapter 4

Freque Factory 

Chapter 4

   Junior year of high school.  It was strange in so many ways.  For one thing, by then a lot of the people we knew were getting stoned, a lot.  Some every day.  Then when they found themselves unable to cope, they would look for Monique and I.

   Two girls in particular took up a lot of our time at school.  Monique and I would switch off if both showed up on campus stoned on the same day.  Sarah was a junior, like us.  She had gone true hippie and was attempting to spend as many days as possible stoned on LSD.  Luckily for us that particular is not effective continually, so she had some sober days.  Bad trip days were awful.  We both got to be pretty good at "talking her down."  Quick too, which was necessary with half hour lunches and 7 minute passing periods between classes.  During class she was on her own.  But even on good days she had to be watched.  Sarah would see some school administrator down the hall and want to show him how totally awesome the talking flowers were.  Not a good idea.  "Sarah, let's go listen to these flowers over here..."

   The other girl, Martha, was Sarah's friend.  She was this cute, little Freshman.  Amazing personal baggage.  Her dad was a major anti-Vietnam war organizer.  My government teacher referred to him by name as a "commie agitator" in class one day.  Her older brother was a major local drug dealer.  Martha had a 25 year old boyfriend.  The fact that he was deaf merely made that relationship stranger.  Martha loved the drug we called speed.  Methamphetamine in any form was what she craved.  It kept her thin and gave her energy.  And she could talk at amazing speeds when she was high with it.  She would want to tell the entire lunchroom how to fight the imperialist forces of corporate Amerika.  I don't think she really understood what she was saying-mostly she was just parroting her father and boyfriend.

   Although we despised the Vietnam War, neither Monique or I got involved with much of the anti-war stuff.  To much Martha.  And in my case I had a brother in the Marine Corps who did several tours of duty over there.

   Brian and Monique was still a couple, mostly.  Monique had the really foolish idea that Freddie and I should start dating.  I think she thought it would be cute to double date.  Freddie was ok with the idea, but I told Monique that I would rather date a rattlesnake-it would be safer.  Luckily for me, he didn't hold it against me.

   Monique and Brian were having problems.  Brian was still working for Freddie's dad.  But they had also gotten into some high end drug dealing.  It paid for Brian's drug habit.  And his habit was getting worse.  Monique didn't have the patience to deal with a drugged out Brian.

   The young men were still flocking around Monique.  At her parent's request she began dating some of them.  Mostly they were guys from her church.  she even went to Prom with this sweet 280 pound football player.  Talk about physical yin and yang!  He hung around for about 2 years, hoping she would take him seriously.  Monique would go out with him occasionally, but it was hopeless for that football player.  I stayed single.  I was still the good friend that the guys all talked to but think to date.

   Our loopy friend Joanne had finally settled down to one guy.  Unfortunately that guy was James.  He was never good looking and his morals were questionable.  Survival without the help of his family made him prone to use people.  But Joanne saw something in him that the rest of us didn't.  And it just wasn't the (crappy) drugs that he  sold.  They slept together, did drugs together-in fact, did about everything together except try to commit suicide together.  Joanne did not tolerate that.  In the first year they dated he tried to commit suicide 3 times.

   Jame's suicide attempts had nothing to do with Joanne.  It was always an attempt to connect with his birth family.  Most of his attempts were in the parking lot of the hospital where his mom worked, or some other place where he knew he would be found in time.  It was a real mess.  His birth family was abusive all sorts of ways and James got into a lot of behaviors he shouldn't have just to support himself and to try to get their attention.  He was rather sleazy at times.  I don't remember why, but he was one of the few people who Monique's mom barred from the house.

   The drama continued.  Julie and Elias, our Romeo and Juliet were having real problems with their relationship.  Not only was her family still upset that she was even dating him, the two of them were now using various drugs and it was causing him problems with his job.

   But the biggest drama of all was what happened within Monique's family.  Her parents had taken in foster kids for years before she was born.  Then suddenly, later in their lives, Monique was born.  Her parents decided to take in (and adopt) one last set of kids-a brother and sister who's drug using mother was going to be in prison for many years.  It was never a secret that Mike and Mary were adopted.  Nor was it a secret that they were Hispanic. 

    Mike was not the brightest bulb on the tree.  During our junior year he turned 13 and started getting into trouble.  He wasn't doing very well in school and was hanging out with some trouble making kids.  Who were white, mostly.  Mike and Mary both had always been treated just like they were Monique's natural daughter, in fact, I forgot half the time they were Hispanic.

   But then, one day Mike came home from school, all upset, asking if it were true that he was adopted?  His parents response was, "Well, yes.  We thought you knew."  Mike was all kinds of upset and his grades and behavior got worse.

   Mike was starting to come to terms with his situation when life dealt him a life changing blow.  His and Mary's birth mother had gotten out of jail, and despite the adoption rules (not informing where kids now are), had found out where her babies were.  Mike's response was, "You mean I'm Mexican?"  Well, Mexican American, but yeah.

   It turned out that momma had ties to the local Hispanic gangs and before we knew it Mike had become Miguel and was joining the local gang.  Monique and I, at her parents request would go to the local barrio and drag Mike back home about once a week.  He had stopped all pretense of going to school.  Finally Monique's parents gave up.  They petitioned the courts to take Mike back, claiming they could no longer control him.  And it was true.  We had hoped that Mary would be ok, but soon after Mike turned gang banger she changed as well.  No longer did she talk about going to college to become a nurse.  Now her big goal was to become a welfare mother.  She was successful.  Monique's parents had to give her up too.

   It was during our Junior year that Monique and I began to talk about sex and drugs.  So many people in our circle were doing both.  At that point, neither of us was ready to be involved with either.  But we agreed that is was probably only a matter of time.