Mamma Sandy Says - Alternative Life Styles and Raising Children

Mamma Sandy Says

Alternative Life Styles and Raising Children

      There are lots of definitions of what alternative life styles are. More conservative individuals in America would say that families are only 1 man, 1 woman plus their children.  I view that as unrealistic.  A "normal" American is also just as likely to be a single parent family, or a blended family.  All three have been found consistently in American history.  What?  You've never heard of the widow Martha Custis who married George Washington?  Single mom and blended family.

   Below is a list of examples of what could be called alternative lifestyles.  I'll look at each of them.

A.  Homosexual (gay and lesbian)

B.  Trans

C. Bi

D.  Poly - both religious and otherwise

E.  BDSM and Fetishism

A.  Family units where both partners are of the same gender are becoming more common.  In some areas they are becoming accepted to a larger degree and may even be legal.  That's a big thing.  I am glad that things are getting better here.

   However, we don't live in a perfect world.  Any children from these unions are, unless the world changes more than I think it will, going to have to deal with prejudice.  And, sadly enough, probably from their teachers, coaches, the parents of their friends, etc.  Their peers will, hopefully, not care unless they have been trained to do so.  If you are in this category, you will have to be watching for this.  Be proactive as needed.  Your job will be to raise a tolerant child.  Don't allow them to hate or act out because of your choices.

B.  By Trans, I mean transgender.  These are individuals that do not view themselves as being the gender they were born in to.  There is treatment, including hormones and surgery to help an individual in this situation to become who they really are, but it's expensive and takes a long time.  Because of the time involved, there are references to pre and post operation transgenders.  It's a complex situation that includes time spent with a therapist (required for the surgery).

   There are transgenders with children.  There are trans individuals that are part of blended families.  And it can get stranger.  But how does this effect the kids?  It can cause a sexual identity issues for the kids.  Or it might not.  Not all children of homosexuals become homosexuals themselves.  But parents, like with same gender couples, need to teach their children tolerance and understanding.  Oddly enough, depending on the age of the child, it may have little effect.  If it is not generally known that one of the parents is a trans, some of the problems of same sex couples may not happen.

C.  A family with one or both partners being bisexual may or may not be problematic.  The children will need to understand what bisexuality is.  And to promote tolerance.  However, problems can occur when the bisexual parent decides that they need sexual partners of both genders to be happy.  That family has now gone from almost traditional to being poly..  And that's a whole different set of problems.

D.  By poly, I mean people who have more than one sexual partner at a time.  The technical term is polyamorism.  I thought of 5 different types of poly relationships and I have known people involved in all of them.  Let's look, then I'll talk about some of the problems once children are involved.

   Swingers are people that have sex with individuals that are not their spouse, but there is no involvement.  A one night stand or a series of them falls in this category.  Arranging to share spouses for just one time fits in here.  As does Swinger clubs, having sex with people you met on a dating website, etc.  The key is that there is no long term committment.

   Another option is for short term additional partners away from the home.  I knew of a situation where a wife had a standing arrangement to meet her long time lover every time she crossed the country to visit home.  This particular situation lasted longer than most, but the idea is that these additional sexual situations do not interfere with what happens at home

   A third option is when one partner brings an additional partner home for a limited time.  This opens the door to a big can of worms, especially if there are children in the home.

   I've also know couples who bring in a 3rd person into their home for extended periods.  This is in effect adding a second spouse.  It can become a group marriage is both spouses bring in an extra spouse, or two.  Whee!

   Lastly, there is religiously sponsored polygamy.  It's real, not just on television.  

   Now in my opinion, poly = drama.  All of the above forms of multiple love can work if both partners communicate their wants and needs and are willing to abide by mutually agreed upon rules.  Poly couples that survive usually have veto rights on their partners choices.  I know of a poly couple where the wife chooses her husband's extramarital partners.  She knows what he would like and what she can tolerate.  Go them.  But there have to be clear rules that both follow.  Otherwise, drama.

   In most places, having more than one spouse is illegal.  That is a problem with children.  Starting with custody issues.  And what name goes on paperwork?  Think back to the issues the second and third wives dealt with on the television show "Big House" (worth watching) and you'll get a good idea of what I mean.

   The good news is that many of the poly relationships (especially the short term ones) do not produce children.  Often the children are from the primary couple.  There may be additional children added to the family unit from prior relationships.  So a blended poly family unit.  Whee!

   What I've noticed in religious based polygamy is that there are usually built in cultural solutions for many of the potential problems including children.  Poly family units should consider looking to see if some of those cultural solutions would work for them.

   While it was more popular in hippie days, group marriages still exist today.  It requires a lot of communication, and a group lifestyle.  Back in the hippie days children were shared (like some other cultures) and sometimes only the birth mother's identity was known, due to the sexual partners.

There can be a lot of issues with families that are poly in nature.  First, is the poly nature of the family to be kept secret?  The kids will have to understand that some parts of their home life should not be shared with outsiders, especially with teachers, doctors, coaches, etc.  They will need to let the parents explain.

   What last name will the children have?  Not a problem with the primary couple.  Or for the kids from a prior relationship.  But what about kids from primary dad and second wife?  Gets back to the secrecy thing.

   Who pays what?  Who covers the kids on the insurance?  Who goes to parent teacher conferences?

   But the big question is what happens when the poly relationship breaks up?  It's hard enough when there are no children involved.  Adding children adds several layers to the things that have to be dealt with.  Remember, once you have a child with someone you really are tied to that person for at least 16-18 years-even if you can no longer stand each other.  

Quick notes:

Same sex couples:  a need to teach tolerance and to watch for others being unkind to your kid because of your choices.

Trans:  Might be very few problems for your kids or, based on the continuum,  there might be all sorts of weird stuff that will need to be explained.  At the very least, your children will have to understand more about the nature of sexuality that most of their friends.  And, of course, lots of tolerance.

Bi:  See trans.

Poly:  If you are poly by nature, you will have to think about how you practice it if you are going to have children.  What's more important-your sexual needs or the proper raising of your children?  It's not impossible to have both, but it's going to include more work.  Religious groups that practice polygamy often have cultural safeguards built in to protect the children.

I'm going to have to end this here.  It's late and I have an additional page of notes on BDSM and Fetishism.  That will just have to get written another time.