Apology

   I do apologize, that I will not be able to post my next installment of Family Stories today due to a time crunch.  As soon as I can after getting home I will post "Family Stories - Jack in WWII."  It's a good one.

Raising Future Citizens - Preschoolers

Raising Future Citizens - Preschoolers

   Preschoolers are a lot like toddlers only further along the developmental spectrum.  In many ways they seem like miniature people.  Some preschoolers are as composed and calm as any adult.  Yet, preschoolers are also prone to meltdowns is pushed too hard.  In terms of early development it was probably my favorite age to go through with my own kids.

   I'm going to talk about discipline in more detail in a few weeks, but I will say here that if the preschooler is running the house, and not the parents, you've got problems.  And fixing the problem will only be harder from here on.  While I'm not a fan of his politics, I do like the writing of James Dobson in "The Strong Willed Child" on this topic.

   I was talking to the parent of a preschoolers just today.  Because she works, she had to leave much of the early training of her child to her mother and aunt.  Mistake.  Her child was spoiled and thinks she runs the house.  The mom is doing the right things now, but it's harder.

   We also talked about preschool, daycare, and the Head Start program.  It used to be that a child stayed home or was with babysitters until they started kindergarten.  One of the purposes of the old kindergarten was to wean the child from the home and to socialize them to the school rules.  Things have changed.  Now it is pretty much expected that a child will have gone through some sort of preschool before kindergarten.  They are supposed to arrive socialized, and with some understanding of letters, numbers, and such.  That varies, depending on the school.

   So having a child attend some sort of preschool is almost a necessity.  A babysitter may be good.  They might learn letters, numbers, etc., but the socialization and start of learning to work together won't be there.  Day care can be better.  It depends on the quality of  the day care.  Places that are specifically preschools can be good.  It just depends.  A good Head Start program works well too.

   The preschool years are also the years in which they start to develop their tastes in movies, books, television, cartoons, etc.  And games.I almost can't stress this enough Parents (and caregivers) must oversee what their children put into their minds!  Especially at this age, the "garbage in, garbage out" rule applies.  If your children are watching or reading material that glorifies violence, should you be surprised later on when they assume violence is ok?  Video and computer games fall under this as well.

   When my kids were young, new cartoons were usually started in the fall.  I would set aside time to watch these new cartoons with my kids the first time.  Note:  if I already knew that a cartoon was going to be objectionable(based on their ages usually), we didn't even watch it.  After the cartoon was over, we'd talk about it.  I had a short list of questions for us to talk about.  1.  Did the cartoon use language that they shouldn't be using? 2.  Were the characters talking about and/or doing things that they shouldn't be doing (would it get them in trouble)?  3.  What was the cartoon teaching them?  I have smart kids.  Pretty early on they could figure this stuff out.  And we could come to an agreement about which shows were ok to watch, and which ones they should avoid for now.  Sesame Street - wonderful show.  I found it boring, but it taught preschool age concepts and positive ethical stuff, like friendship and honesty.  This question concept came in handy and can be applied to other things, like music.

   I want to talk about gaming a bit as well.  I'm seeing preschool computer games now, which is not a bad idea, but there needs to be balance.  Too many kids are not getting enough outside time, with or without friends.  Playing computer (or video) games may help fine motor skills, but doesn't help with social skills. I believe that kids need to spend time with neighbor kids, talking about everything and nothing.  Watching clouds.  Computer games encourage solo behavior skills.

   Preschool days are when kids are finally able to actually play with each other.  Play days and play groups are important.  Especially if there aren't neighborhood kids for them to play with.  Be careful you don't over schedule your child.  It will tire out and frustrate you and them.  Give them time to breath and think. and dream.

   Preschool days are great or libraries.  Storytime (age appropriate) are favorites.  The summer reading program can really encourage them towards reading skills. If you haven't started reading aloud to your children, make sure you start now!  Some libraries will have movies and music you can rent as well.

   Because a preschooler is a small human, parents have less stuff to haul around to take care of them.  Preschoolers are mature enough to take with, especially to events with older siblings.  You have to plan for the preschooler boredom factor, but generally they will enjoy active Scout meetings, church events, school programs and the like.  It sort of gives them a preview of coming attractions.

   

   Preschool years are often the first time a child is around a professional teacher for any length of time.  You may have your questions about your child, but if there is a problem (developmentally, etc.), these teachers will probably spot it.  Always run it by your pediatrician to get an official diagnosis.  With some issues, early diagnosis is key.

In short, enjoy your preschooler.  They will frustrate you, make your head spin, but also help you to see the magic in the world.

Family Stories - The Depression and WWII Years in Dad's Family

Family Stories

The Depression and WWII Years in Dad's Family

    The world wide Depression that started in 1941 had profound effect on my mother's family.  But then, New York was hard hit by the economic crisis.  California, while it was effected to some degree, did not suffer the massive unemployment and general unhappiness as much of the rest of the country.

   Harry and Lucille were divorced by 1929.  Harry was already dating and fairly soon married co-worker Emma.  Hollywood was busy during the Depression, trying to lift the spirits of the country (and make some money in the process).  Harry and Emma were busy too.  I don't find much reference to Harry, Sr. after this time.  Hopefully I can confirm his death at some point.

   Lucille's wild times didn't last long.  With no job, and her mom and new step-dad unwilling to support her, Lucille had limited choices.  She could return to her mom's farm and be a drudge like Betty, or get a job, or get married again.  Lucille chose marriage.  Her choice was an odd one, but it seems to have been a solid love match.  It lasted until his death.  Her new husband was Bill.  Originally from, as he put it, "The back hills of someplace", Bill was what Lucille would have called a hick, a country man.  He was uneducated.  But he was a good man with a big heart.  He treated Lucille like a queen.  Like her dad and step dad treated Lildon.  It was what she really wanted in a marriage.  She was done with Hollywood.  They moved to Eagle Rock, near Los Angeles, and just lived.

   Bill thought it was wrong that Lildon and Daddy Knabb (as we always called him) were raising Lucille's son Jack.  It took a while, but he eventually convinced Lucille to bring Jack to live with them.  Lildon and Daddy Knabb were sad to loose a farm worker.  Their small farm was diversified enough that they were weathering the economic crisis fine.

   Probably due to his lack of education, Bill had a hard time finding work and often it didn't last.  But Bill was a hard worker.  My dad remembers Bill getting up well before dawn to work at a chicken ranch.  I was the work he could find at the time.  My dad, Jack, has always been a hard worker.  As soon as he was old enough he started selling newspapers.  Instead of a paper route, he sold on street corners to passers by.  He said that his biggest days were when Hitler invaded a new country.  Jack was so good at selling papers that often he brought in more money to the household than Bill.  This did not help Bill's self esteem, and Jack wasn't wise enough then to not brag.

   Because of the mounting friction between the two men (and Jack's absolute boredom in school) Lucille signed Jack up for a Forest Service project up in Northern CA.  It was early 1941 and Jack was 16 years old.

   Jack always said that his Forest Service time was one of the most important in his life.  It helped make a good man out of a cocky teen.  Jack spent his time in the Yosemite-Sequoia park areas.  He and a few other teens lived with the loggers and the other workers up there.  Meals were eaten as a group, and manners were required.  Jack told the story of a teen who tried reaching across the table, rather than asking for something to be passed one time too many.  The fork scar in his hand eventually went away, but the lesson did not.  Jack got the message too.

   The loggers were rough men, but they treated the teens well enough.  Jack worked clearing brush, on fire lines, etc.  But his favorite part was when he got to go with and help the surveying team that was exploring new areas of what is now Sequoia National Park.  For a city boy who had grown up around Hollywood and the studios, it was an amazing time.

   Late in 1941 WWII started.  The Army Corps of Engineers were dispatched to Europe, but it was felt that a new organization was going to be needed for the war in the Pacific.  Since a lot of the war was going to be island hopping, the fighters would mostly be Marines and Navy.  The new organization was the SeaBees.  Recruiters for this new branch came up to where Jack was, hoping to enlist loggers, carpenters, metal workers, etc.  A lot of the men joined up.  Jack was sent back home.

   Back in Southern CA, Betty had become a beautiful young woman.  She met and married a talented con man from the midwest named Dwight, who went by the nickname of Jack.  Their son, Doug, was born in 1942.  Dwight carefully avoided military service, claiming injury. My father didn't like Dwight, especially disliking the fact that they had the same name.  But Betty was off the farm and happy.  Dwight treated her well enough and she was finally out from under the servitude of her father and step mother.

   In 1943 Jack finally turned 18.  His mom did not want him going off to war.  Signing him up for the Forest Service was one thing.  But for war!  She didn't want him going, and she certainly didn't want him joining the SeaBees, but he was 18 and making her miserable.  So she signed.

  Now when Jack went off to basic training, the SeaBees were part of the Marine Corps, so Jack went off to Camp Lejune, in North Carolina.  To this day it's still a swampy, miserable place.  Dad hated it.  What was worse was that one of his buddies let it out that Jack's dad worked for the studios in Hollywood.  Every star struck girl in the area was trying to get him to marry her.  They wanted out of the South and a chance to go to Hollywood.  It was no use explaining anything about the reality of life in the motion picture business.  Jack was glad to leave.  He called it a near miss for marriage.

   By the time Jack and his buddies graduated boot camp, the Dept. of Defense had re-aligned the SeaBees and they were now under the Dept. of the Navy.  So this bunch of guys graduated as Marines, and then had to switch to Navy uniforms.

   This bunch of new, Navy SeaBees were loaded onto a train, heading west.  My dad told the following story about that experience.  For some reason, the troop trains all stopped in this one small town in Texas.  I don't think he ever did know (or care) what the name was.  Troops traveling west would get off there and eventually get on a different train.  Same thing for troops heading east.  It was a cross roads.

  It took time, so often the various groups of troops would be stuck there for several hours.  It was a very small town, so the tradition developed of having the waiting troops parade march down the main street.  The townsfolk loved it, and it gave certain groups bragging rights.

   The particular day my dad arrived in that small Texas town there was an Army unit that had been marching up and down the street.  The SeaBees watched them, but didn't really care to challenge them.  It was nice just to sit in the shade and relax.  But then the army guys started ragging on the SeaBees, insulting them in various ways.  A lot of claiming that since they were Navy swabbies they had no idea how to march.  One of their sergeants, another former Marine had enough.  "Gentlemen, he said, "Let's how them how it's done."

   If you've ever seen Marines march, it's like watching a living organism.  They're scary good.  And with the word of the sergeant, they marched up and down that small Texas town street.  The army troops just stood there with their mouths hanging open as the SeaBees marched past, laughing.  The townsfolk cheered and cheered.  Pride satisfied, the SeaBees went back to relaxing before boarding their train to San Francisco and the War.

My dad's experiences in WWII deserve their own blog.  Look for it next week.

Raising Future Citizens - Toddlers

Raising Future Citizens

Toddlers

   There are a lot of books and other media out there about how to raise babies and toddlers.  I'm not going to re-invent the wheel.  What I'm writing about is my thoughts, what I've learned over the years.

   I'm going to start out with a definition.  I consider a toddler a child that is mobile.  It's a continuum.  One one end is an almost baby who can walk with varying degrees of success and is starting to form understandable words.  At the other end is a child who is fully mobile and has learned other walking related skills as well as communicates in phrases and even sentences.  Traditionally this would be about ages 1-3 years.  After  that is the pre-school years.

   Even most experts agree that there is no specific time for a child to reach specific milestones of development.  One child of mine walked at 7 months.  I think he went from rolling to walking with only a brief pause for crawling.  Being mobile that early is not always a good thing.  Certainly made us further child proof more of the house faster than we had planned.  Communication came a little later than the "experts" said.  There is no predicting!

   Two other developmental stories:  I know a child that saw no use for walking.  Crawling worked just  fine.  Then one day he zipped into the kitchen just after his mom had broken a glass.  He of course, crawled right into the glass and cut up his knees.  The mom took care of the cuts and then set him down, wondering what her son would do.  He tried to crawl, but it hurt.  He saw and thought a few minutes.  Then that child pulled himself up and started walking.  He was old enough and had the muscle coordination, and so when he had the need, he walked.  Within a half hour he was fully mobile walking.

   The other story is about a younger baby brother.  He was going on 2 years old and still hadn't spoken.  But he had an older brother (2 years older) who would tell others what the baby wanted.  Finally in exasperation the mother ordered the older brother to be silent.  The toddler needed to tell her what he wanted himself.  So the first words out of his mouth were, "Me want water!"  Can't predict.

   

   Toddlers require a lot of care.  They are only still when they are sleeping.  Or deeply thinking.  Both were scary to me.  There is a story about an NBA player who decided, as an exercise routine, to do everything his toddler did.  The NBA player quit after 3 hours.  He couldn't keep up.

   

   Be patient with toddlers.  They're only just learning skills that you've spent a lifetime perfecting.  And they don't understand about the world either.  They tend to ask a lot of questions.  In some cases really a lot.  My son was one of those.  He honestly wanted to know.  Still does.  Now he can ask the internet.

   Take time to play with the toddlers you know.  Especially if they're your own.  It's an amazing time of bonding.  And you learn that they are already individuals with skills and weaknesses.  And make it real play, based on their age and skill level.  Don't turn fun play time into milestone learning time.

  Read to them!  This one is important.  The statement is true.  Kids who are read to, read.  Understand that they probably will want you to read the same book every night, possibly for months.  Deal with it.  It's important to them.  Even if you do find yourself memorizing, like I did with Dr. Seuss's "Did I ever tell you how lucky you are?"  And make your reading material age  and mental ability appropriate.

   Be gentle with your toddler if they go into shy mode or start to be afraid of strangers.  Both of those are normal for toddlers to work through.  Though there are kids who never go through that.  Also, in our paranoid society we tend to encourage fear of strangers.  Use common sense.

  Along with that is my advice to not be over protective.  Again, real easy to do.  Think of all the over protective parents you've known and choose not to be them. Skinned knees are normal.  Some kids are natural climbers with a good sense of balance.  I remember going into the house one day because I couldn't stand to see my young son climb his first tree (with dad's help).  I was expecting disaster, but didn't want to pass my fears along to my son.  Of course, my son has no fear of heights and has truly earned his nickname of Spyder.

   You can't protect your child from everything bad in the world.  Instead, teach them how to deal with it.

   It's always a question - how many classes should a toddler be in?  I think a better question would be - how many classes would he or she like, and how often?  It really depends on the kid.  In my opinion, less is more.  If you're concerned about developmental milestones, then a class with one or both parents is probably fine.  As I noted before, I'm all in favor of pool safety and teaching kids of all ages to swim.  But generally, give them time to learn on their own. It takes time to learn social skills enough to be in a class and to interact.  Play groups with young toddlers can really just be time spent with other kids, but not interacting with them.  I'm not saying play groups are bad.  On the contrary, I generally like them.  But don't expect more of your child then they can do just yet.

   I'm a big fan of library visits.  Especially if you get books for yourself too.  Libraries are amazing places.  There are people there who will tell stories to your kids.  You can help them choose appropriate books to take home and read.  Btw, also teaching your children proper care and respect for books!  And they are a source of appropriate level informational books.  When my son who wanted to know how the universe was put together asked about earthquakes or electricity or, or, or, I had a ready place to get answers that would explain on his level.  That is one of the problems of looking stuff up on the computer for kids.  Wikipedia will not explain electricity at the right level for a 3 year old.

Should toddlers learn foreign languages?  I am a big believer in children being multilingual.  Most of the world has us so beat on that.  It has been proven that children, especially at a young age pick up languages easily.  It another language is spoken in your family, encourage your child to speak both.  They will speak a mix at first, but they'll sort it out.  The family next door to mine was an immigrant family from China and spoke Cantonese.  I never had a formal lesson from them, but I spoke Cantonese with them until they started speaking English at school.  I'm not so much a fan of formal language lessons for kids.  Expose your toddlers to other languages.  Use some of the words in your own speech in a regular basis.  If it's seem as normal, for some kids it's easier to learn.

   I should talk about special needs kids here.  Quite often the toddler age is when special needs are first noticed and diagnosed.  If your child seems to be slow to read a specific developmental milestone if can be something to ask the doctor about.  As a parent you will probably be the first to notice your child having difficulties, though sometimes it can be other caregivers.

   Don't be afraid to do your own research and even ask for a second opinion.  Not all doctors are amazing.  And be willing to admit that it might just be you.  I know of a situation where a mother and grandmother brought a 9 month old boy to the pediatrician.  They had read  or heard something that made them think that their little boy might be lacking in his genitals.  Bless the doctor, he didn't laugh.  Instead he examined the boy and proclaimed the boy to be fine.  The doctor even added that the boy might even be a bit larger there.  The mother and grandmother went home, all proud that their boy was going to be well endowed.  The rest of us shook our heads at their foolishness.  But in their defense, they might have thought they didn't see what they should have.  So be practical.  But don't be afraid to ask.  Your child's future could be changed.

Lastly, enjoy your toddler.  These are amazing years!  As a parent you will experience large amounts of joy, frustration, pride, aggravation, and  sleep deprivation.  But you'll never have those years back.  There is something amazing about seeing the world through the eyes of a toddler.  Enjoy!

Family Stories - Harry and Lucille

Family Stories

Harry (Jr.) and Lucille

      Harry Jr. (my grandfather) had it made by his mid 20's.  He had an exciting and interesting job at the studio.  He had successfully separated himself from his father.  He had been able to establish himself as an adult on his own terms.  It had been hard, but he had done it.  All he needed now was a wife and children.  And then he met Lucille.

   The story is that Lucille was working in a drug store near the studio that Harry worked at.  Quite possibly as a waitress, since back then drug stores often had ice cream counters that might also have a limited food menu.  Lucille was cute, short (five foot tall), and vivacious.  She and her girl friends liked to have a good time.  It was the Roaring 20's after all...

   I suspect that Harry was attracted to Lucile because of her love of life and willingness to do things.  Their dates were full of adventures.  They hiked up in the local mountains.  They went for drives in his car.  I know this because of the photos that Harry took.  Sometimes they were alone, but often with friends.

  Eventually Harry proposed and Lucille accepted.  I don't have any information on what the wedding was like.  I suspect that was about the time that Rando Lee (Jack), Lucille's father got sick again.  It was probably a small and quiet wedding.

   Harry moved Lucille to a small house he could afford, in North Hollywood.  With today's transportation options, that means little.  But North Hollywood is part of the San Fernando Valley.  Lucille's family and friends lived either Downtown, or in the San Gabriel Valley.  Harry had the car.  Lucille had to quit her job.  She didn't know anyone and started feeling isolated.

   At first everything went well.  Harry was well respected at work.  In fact, he was known as an innovator, an inventor.  When movies first changed to color from black and white new lighting systems were needed.  Harry invented one of the first.  His studio loaned him out for a while while other systems were being worked on.  Harry was also involved in the first special effects, including the scenery going by in a moving vehicle.  That particular one combined his prior career of projectionist with his new skills of lighting and photography.  Of course, since Harry was a studio employee he didn't get the credit for all this.  But they paid him well.  Unfortunately that meant long, long hours at work.

   Lucille's love of Hollywood glamor  was getting shot down too.  Quite often Harry was invited to Hollywood parties with famous personalities such as Bing, or Bob.  He always turned them down.  Lucille was amazed and upset.  Finally Harry accepted an invitation and took her.  What a thrill for Lucille!  She was finally going to a Hollywood party like the ones she had read about in the magazines!  When she got there she and Harry were ignored by the other party goers.  Finally she realized that Harry had been invited because the host wanted Harry to run the projector so the guests could watch the latest film.  He wasn't a real guest at all.  She told Harry on the ride home that she really didn't care to go to another one of those parties again.

   Nature took it's course and Lucille became pregnant.  Her father was, by now, too sick to continue working, so he sold his barber shop in Downtown Los Angeles, and headed back to Arizone to seek a cure, his beloved wife Lildon with him.  Harry and Lucille's child was a boy and they named him Jack (Rando Lee's nick name) Harry.  A very cute kid.  I've seen the pictures.
   An incident occurred when young Jack was less than 3 years old. There was a casting call for cute kids to fill some roles in the ongoing "our Gang" film series.  Without talking about it with Harry, Lucille took young Jack to the casting call.  They liked Jack so much that Lucille went home with a contract.  Harry was furious!  There was no way in hell his son was going to be exposed to the eyesight destroying lights, the long hours, and the loose morals of the studios!
  At about the same time, Lildon became a widow.  Probable cancer had taken away her beloved.  With the money still left, she settled down back in the San Gabriel Valley.  She didn't stay a widow for long.  She dated, and soon married a most unlikely man.  I knew him as Daddy Knabb.  His given name was John, and he was a divorcee, an unheard of thing in his generation.  John came to CA from the midwest, where he had grown up as an orphan.  He married a CA girl and had two daughters.  The younger daughter, Elizabeth (known as Betty) unfortunately had epilepsy, a largely misunderstood disease at the time.  I never heard why, but John and his first wife divorced.  Having known him as a child, I suspect his first wife couldn't handle his personality.  With the divorce the daughters were split, John keeping Betty.  I know that John maintained a loose contact with his other daughter over the years, but they were never close.  Frankly, I think the only person John was ever close to was Lildon.
   For whatever reasons, John worshiped Lildon like Rando Lee had.  She wasn't any better at raising Betty than she had been her own daughter, but luckily her new stepdaughter was almost an adult when she got her.  The new couple joined their finances (I suspect Lildon had the lion's share of the money) and bought a small dairy farm in what's now known as South San Gabriel.  Betty became, in effect, a hired hand.  Lildon and John both worked hard and the farm prospered.
   A third thing that happened about the same time is that Lucille's girl friends, most of which had gotten married about the same time she did, started getting divorced.  That seems to have been the final straw for Lucille.  While she loved Harry, she was done being stuck in a little house with a small child when her friends were out having fun.  She announced she wanted a divorce.
   I don't know what Harry's response was to all this.  I suspect he had been unhappy in the marriage as well.  For the times, the divorce happened quickly.  Lucille got primary custody of Jack, and probably alimony.  She promptly dumped then four year old Jack with her mom, Lildon, and went to have fun with her girlfriends.
   My dad talked about his time on the farm.  It mostly wasn't good.  His grandparents made him do chores that were mostly beyond his ability. It was Betty who was his friend and mother substitute.

   Lucille's wild days as a divorcee didn't last long.  For one thing, Harry wasn't willing to pay her alimony if she wasn't taking care of Jack.  Harry himself had remarried.  His new wife, Emma, was a coworker from the studio.  Emma was tall (around 5'8"), serious, and intelligent.  Not as fun as Lucille, but far easier to live with.  I suspect Emma had liked Harry for quite a while.
   Unfortunately for everyone involved, Harry refused to have any more children.  Not allowing Emma to have his child was a bad thing.  Harry brought Jack to live with him and Emma from Lildon, but it didn't work out.  Emma took out her frustration on Jack.  Once Harry realized that Jack could not safely live with Emma, he sadly sent Jack back to Lucile.  He did insist on weekend and vacation visitation though, and that had interesting side effects.
   Lucille, for all her faults, was a practical woman.  I suspect she grew tired of the wild life pretty quickly.  She remarried a man named Waylon, known as Bill.  Bill came to CA from the back hills of West Virginia, looking for a better way of life.  I suspect Lucille met Bill via her parents, who she had probably moved back in with briefly.  I think Bill, despite his lack of education, was the right man for Lucille.  He loved her deeply and treated her the way her father had treated her mother.  They stayed loyal to each other for many years.

Next week:  The Depression and my dad's family
    

Raising Future Citizens - Babies

Raising Future Citizens

Babies

   This will be the first in my next series.  I call it Raising Future Citizens because that is what good parents do.  We have to remember that the young people we are training will be the people who will be running our world eventually.  And taking care of us, most likely, as well.  

   What are my credentials for writing this?  Sixty years of age, twenty some years of teaching all levels, youth group leader and helper for all sorts of stuff.  And most importantly, the mother of Sean and Katy, ages 31 and 28.  I'm rather proud of them.  Both graduated college, are working, no arrests, no drug or alcohol problems, and no kids (yet).  So here's what I've learned from my kids and others.  I'm starting with children as babies.

   The first point that I want to make is that babies bounce.  Well, not literally.  But every new parent comes home thinking that their new baby is so fragile and they have to be so careful!  That is true to some degree, but it's easy to take it to extremes.  I keep thinking I'm going to start seeing newborns with helmets on because of parental paranoia.  Common sense is the first thing parents need.  A good sense of humor is the second.

  Yes, you are going to drop the baby at some point.  They aren't dolls.  They move a lot and not the ways you expect.  I remember the first time my firstborn slipped out of my grasp and hit the floor.  I was sure I had brain damaged him for life.  Nope.  It hurt, and he was surprised, but no apparent lasting damage.  Stuff like that happens.  If they are really hurt, and you're worried, go to the doctor.  Just be sensible.

My second point is that newborns seemingly are tubes that make noises and messes at both ends.  They get better.  It is a good thing they are so cute.  I'm convinced that it's a survival trait.  If babies weren't so cute, none of us would have survived.  They are very labor intensive for the parents and/or caregivers for the first few years (18?).

Learn to laugh.  Babies are cute anyway.  Sometimes what they do or get into isn't so cute.  We started a contest of sorts for which of us dealt with the worst diapers.  No real prizes, just bragging rights.  We had a dump of the day, week, and month.  The worst ever was declared to be the dump of the year.  he cleaned the kid, I stripped the bed, put in clean, and started washing.  Whew!

Babies understand human language long before they can talk.  A case in point.  One night, long before our son could actually talk, we were talking about something my son was interested in.  I made a comment about where in the room it was.  My son immediately turned his head to where I had mentioned.  They may not be able to communicate back, but they understand early.  Don't forget it!

   I want to spend some time on discipline and babies.  Even small children are ego centric - that is, they are convinced that the world revolves around them and their needs.  With babies that is logical.  We spend large amounts of time dealing with their needs.  It takes time to get them to understand that others have needs too.

   But at the same time, there needs to be a balance.  Parents do not have to rush to care for kids when they safely can't.  A good example might be the getting the kids to fall asleep by themselves thing.  At some point, a baby has to learn how to fall asleep in his (or her) own bed without having mom or dad hold them until asleep first.  The first time the kid gets put in the bad, still awake, crying.  Do the parents pick the child up to comfort him, or do they let him cry himself to sleep?  Pick him up the first time and the child has learned to cry to get his way.  Eventually the baby learns, but it's not always easy on anyone.

   Although it may not seem logical, discipline has to be different with each child.  It's probably connected with learning styles.  My son always had to learn the hard way.  His younger sister watched and decided to avoid those punishments by not doing the things that caused them.  A stern talking to usually was enough for her in young years.

   How to discipline?  No spanking.  Verbal when babies.  And physically taking them away from the problem area or thing.  Always say, "No" in a firm voice.  You mean business and the same word said the same time equates with babies.  Think about how you train a puppy.  It has to happen when the infraction occurs or else the lesson is lost.

  As I said, be clear and hands on.  Plan ahead.  You know your child.  Especially when they start to become mobile.  My son eyed my husband's guitar that he kept out for a long time.  Eventually my son figured out how to roll.  What was the first thing he rolled towards?  The guitar, of course.  I saw him start that roll and correctly guessed his goal.  Just seconds before he got there, I pulled the guitar away.  We didn't keep musical instruments and such out again for quite a while.

  Which brings me to another point, child proofing.  In your own home, it makes sense to put locks on lower cupboard doors.  I always left one in the kitchen unlocked and put tupperware in there that the kids could play with while I was cooking or such.  Baby gates are a good idea.  It limits where they can go once they are somewhat mobile.  If part of your place has stairs, please, please put in baby gates.  Learning how to navigate stairs is a necessary skill, but it takes time.  So please protect!

   But you do not have to totally child proof your home.  Find that common sense again.  Some things you can train a child to leave alone.  But until then, put the expensive breakables up high where the baby can't get to them, yet.  Some babies do learn to climb.  Really well.

   Having the house child safer is great, but what about when you visit others?  It is not reasonable to expect people you are visiting to child proof their homes just for your visit.  That leaves you with options.  Either you leave the child with someone else while you visit, you invite them to your home, or you keep several eagle eyes on your child the entire time you're there.  All the options have flaws.  The 3rd one is the most common and often fails because children are so fast!

   I remember a story from the old days, when car windows were not electric and often had what was called a "wind wing" to let small amounts of air in from one side.  A 6 month old baby I know now was sitting on his mother's lap in the passenger seat while the neighbor was showing off his new car.  Mom wasn't paying attention until baby managed to unattach the wind wing and it landed in her lap.  No one there could figure our how to put it back in, let along how a 6 month old could get it out!  They had to take the car to the dealer to get it fixed.  When you are not watching, babies and small children can do amazing things!

Change of topic.  Classes for babies.  Since I'm a teacher, I like people learning new things.  I do have specific opinions on classes for babies and toddlers.  Water safety classes - if the baby or child will ever be anywhere near a pool, lake, river, or the ocean, YES!  Those classes save baby lives.  Mommy and me classes - mostly I like them.  Just don't overdo.  I found with mine that one class at a time, geared to their developmental level was enough.  For me the point of the class is that your child is learning new skills with you there.

   However, I am not really in favor of baby classes where the parent just drops the kid off.  Babies especially need lots and lots of parent time.  They will most likely learn it better with you.

This leads to my thoughts on child care.  There are reasons why so many cultures see it as a norm that a child needs full time care, often by one or both parent (or even grandparents or other family members).  A child needs consistent care.  And as a parents, that is primarily your responsibility.  Because my husband's job was very time intensive, we chose to have me only work part time so I could spend the time needed with our children.  It was the right decision for our family.

   However, we were lucky.  Often, just to survive, both parents have to work, often full time or more.  What happens to the kids then?  If possible, other family members not working help out.  Or friends.  When I first went back to school I paid a friend who had a son the same age to watch my son while I was in class.  Later on, when I was working part time, I found a day care center that was flexible with my needs.  My children consistently attended there two days a week, and I could arrange for more if needed.

   The real key is to determine what is best for your child/children.  For some families, live in help works best.  There is constancy.  But for me, the question becomes, who is raising your children?  Are your children spending formative years with strangers because you need the income?  Or are both of you determined to have careers, even though you have children?  Children require sacrifice.  What will yours be.

Enough soapboxing.  Babies are to be enjoyed.  They need a lot of time and affection, but they also need to know that they are not in charge.  Next time I hope to talk about the early rebellion years, 3-5.

Family Stories - Two Men named Harry and Lucille

Family Stories

Two Men Named Harry and Lucille

   This week, I'll tell some stories from my dad's side of the family.  Quick listing:

Sandy was the child of Jack and Joan

Jack was the child of Harry Ezra Houk, Jr. and Lucille Russell

Harry Ezra Houk Jr. was the son of Harry Ezra, Sr. and unknown

Harry Ezra, Sr. was the son of Johan, the Dutch/German immigrant

Lucille was the daughter of Lildon Opal and Rando Lee (Jack)

      When Johan left San Francisco for the safer climate of Southern California, he settled down.  He married and had a large family.  Although Johan was settled, he wasn't any more honest.  One of his sons, Harry Ezra Senior my ancestor has as corrupt as his father.

   Harry, Sr. was a swindler.  The railroad had come to Los Angeles and farmers from the midwest were coming here by the thousands.  They were in search of farmlands that weren't as subject to drought, blizzards, and grasshoppers.  They had heard that California, especially Southern CA was truly the Golden State.  The big crop wasn't wheat or corn, but citrus-oranges, grapefruit, etc.

   As these hopeful farmers got off the train they would usually be met by real estate agents of the day, Harry, Sr. among them.  Harry didn't have a license, but he was charming.  He would load the farmers into his wagon and take them on a tour of available real estate.  That is, real estate that he said was available.  One of his favorite things was to take the farmers out to the San Gabriel River.  It was a seasonal river.  It could be a raging current during the winter and spring, but during the summer it was a dry bed.  With rich soil.  

   After doing a sales job on them, Harry Sr. would drive the farmers back to downtown Los Angeles.  He'd have phoney paperwork ready and they'd go to the bank to withdraw the down payment. Harry would take their money, give them worthless paperwork, and vanish.  

   Harry Sr. was charming, as I said.  He managed to convince a woman to marry him and they had a son, Harry Jr.  Sr.'s wife died when Jr. was young.  So Jr. grew up a vagabond.  They lived in boarding houses, never for very long.  When the real estate con wasn't working they made money other ways.  Jr. talked one time about selling oranges from the back of their wagon.

   The vagabond life did not suit Harry Jr.  He wanted a stable life, with a steady job, a wife, all that normal stuff.  Now times were changing.  Motion pictures and motion picture making had come to Los Angeles.  Harry Jr. saw the potential.  When they had a bit of money, Harry Jr. had bought a camera.  Not like the modern ones, this was an old, black and white film camera.  But with it Jr. started taking pictures of neighborhood kids.  He'd  borrow a pony and take the classic kid on pony photos and sold them.

   Jr. started hanging out with other photographers, learning more of the trade.  Eventually he was old enough and got a job as a projectionist at an early movie theater.  He had broken with his father by then.  With enough experience, he was able to get a job as a projectionist with one of the movie studios - Paramount.  He worked for Paramount the rest of his life.

   As adults, Harry Sr. and Jr. were very different men.  Harry Sr. was the charming, outgoing one.  Junior was tall, slim, and quiet.    Jr. seemed very European, very polished.  While he was quiet, still, shop clerks would rush to take care of him.  There was just something about him...

   It was while Harry Jr. was working at the studio that he met Lucille.  At the time she was working as a clerk in a store in Hollywood, near his studio.  She was cute, lively, and very star struck.

   Lucille's background was very different.  Her mom, Lildon, had been a Harvey Girl.  For those unfamiliar with the term. a quick history lesson:  When the railroads first joined the U.S. there were no train cars serving food.  The passengers who wanted to eat were given short periods of time to exit the train to find food while the train was taking on fuel, water, and baggage (or horses, or cattle, etc.).  Often, in smaller towns this was a real problem.  A brilliant man named Mr. Harvey invented restaurants that were at stations, tied to railroad time tables.  When the trains pulled in everything was ready and the passengers wishing to do so could have a reasonable priced meal during the waiting period.  Served to them by good looking, well trained,farm girls.  Harvey recruited heavily from the farm areas of the midwest.  The girls got trained as waitress or cooks, made their own money, had a chance at marrying someone outside the area, and best of all, got off the farms.  The fact that the girls lived in dorms and were chaperoned well, didn't change things.  Being a Harvey Girl gave a girl a bit of fame and a chance at a better life.  Harvey was always recruiting because the Girls were always getting married and quitting.

   Lildon was, as I said, a Harvey Girl.  She came from a farm in Minnesota.  She didn't marry a millionaire or even a cowboy or rancher.  Instead she fell in love with and married a railroad employee named Rando Lee from Virginia.  For some reason everyone called him Jack.  Things went well for the young couple.  They even had a daughter, Lucille.  Then Jack came down with TB, a common ailment for railroad workers.

   Instead of moving to Southern California and living in a bungalow (the usual cure), Jack and Lildon went to Arizona.  Perhaps they tried Southern California and that climate didn't work.  So instead they traveled around hot, dry Arizona.  Somewhere I have a school photo of Lucille from that time.  I think she was around 7.  It was at a one room school near or on an Indian reservation.  She was the only non Indian child in the photo.  I can't imagine how that affected Lucille.

   Eventually Jack recovered from his illness.  He was not able to return to his railroad job though, so he retired.  With his retirement money the family moved to Los Angeles where he opened up a large barber shop in the downtown area.  I have a copy of the opening day advertisement.  It read, "6 chairs, no waiting."  I don't know if Jack was a barber or not.  I know that he ran the business.  successfully.  They had a home not too far away, I believe in Eagle Rock.

   I need to talk about Lildon.  She was rather a complex woman.  She was hard working and devoted to both of her husbands.  And her husbands were devoted to her.  Spoiled is another term.  Lildon was not a good mother.  Perhaps she didn't want to share the spotlight with a female child.  We don't know.  Perhaps if they had been able to have a male child she would have gotten better.  But they didn't, and she didn't.  Lucille grew up feeling out of place.  Both of her parents loved her, but her mom, for what ever reasons, was unable to show it.  Her father, Jack, was her source of love and support.  His illness had to have been hard on her.

   Lucille tried to be like her mom and was partially successful. She was beautiful.  And charming.  And hard working.  She was, after all, trained by her mother.  We would have considered her a bit of a high maintenance woman.  But then, so was her mom.

   So Lucille and Harry Jr. met and fell in love.  Next week I'll continue the story.

The Things I Live By

The Things I Live By

   Before I go into my next set of blogs, I want to take the time to let my readers know what my personal "philosophies" are.

1.  I am a follower of the Scrooge McDuck rule for life.  He always said, "Work smarter, not harder." (Imagine that in a Scottish accent.)  I believe in that as well.  Along with that is the concept of not wanting to re-invent the wheel.  For those not versed in older slang, that means that if someone (myself included) has already figured out how to do something, I don't want to waste time, energy, and sometimes money in re-figuring out how to do it.  Now I might take time to figure out how to do it better (see Scrooge's rule), but I'll start with someone else's groundwork.

2.  When I was a kid my father taught me a valuable lesson about money and friendship.  He told me that friends would ask to borrow money.  He had rules for that.  He would never loan more than he could afford to loose.  He had to be willing to never see the money again.  If the friend repaid the loan, then he would be willing to loan money to that individual again at some point.  If the money was not repaid, there would never be another loan to that individual.  The old saying goes, "Don't throw good money after bad."  The status of the friendship would be in question as well.

   This money policy, for me, carries over into friendships.  If someone I consider a friend causes me pain, or in some way treats me like crap, that person has lost my trust and is no longer someone I consider a friend.  I don't cause them problems publicly, but I also no longer have anything to do with them.  Protects me.  I've had situations where the offender much later wants to be friends again.  Not my first choice.  In one case I almost had an apology.  I agreed to a limited relationship.  I no longer avoid that person, but I won't trust him again.  His basic personality is unchanged.  Given a percieved need, he would harm me again.  So yeah, cause me pain and you will no longer be on my friends list.

3.  My spiritual beliefs.

   The short version is that I am a born again, spirit filled Christian.  Anyone who makes any assumptions about me based on that will be surprised.  This is not a religion for me, this is a spiritual lifestyle.  I try to keep my life well rounded with many of the spiritual elements.  I believe in prayer, fasting, spiritual gifts, works of charity, and love.  

4.  My political beliefs.

   Because I grew up during the Vietnam War I am aware that my country's government has no problem lying to me.

   Because I remember President Nixon, I understant that those in power will do whatever they think is necessary to keep that power.

   I have watched even honest men be corrupted by political power.

I believe that if our government is unwilling to take care of the poor and needy, it should not keep other organizations (like churches) from stepping in to fill the gap.

   In the American system I would be considered a moderate democrat.  Call me a practical democrat.

Confused yet?

Family Stories - The Week Between Christmas and New Years

Family Stories

The Week Between Christmas and New Years

   After the death of my Grandfather Vincent, my mom's family didn't get together for Christmas any more.  While not getting together with family was sad, it did give my parents an opportunity to do something different.  Taking a vacation while owning a small town business was hard.  It had to be a time when I wasn't in school, and a time when they didn't have large printing orders due.  For some reason, the week between Christmas and New Years was slow for us.  That combined with the fact that the shop was usually closed for a few days to visit family meant that we already had many of our customers trained to not expect us to be open then.  So we decided to take a road trip that week.

   We actually did this road trip for several years.  Sometimes it was just a week.  Sometimes, depending on what day Christmas fell on we could take a few extra days.  Often there was no predetermined route.  My dad was the only driver at the time (he didn't want my mom to drive and I wasn't old enough yet).  He set the rules for the trip.  Short daily driving legs.  He also didn't want to drive in snow or bad weather.  Reasonable.  So mostly we headed east or south from our home in Los Angeles county.  Sometimes we ended up in Phoenix, AZ (though not much further east).  Sometimes in Yuma, AZ where we had friends.  But somehow we always ended up in San Diego.

   San Diego had memories for my dad.  That was where he got out of the navy after WWII.  I remember us driving by the base and him pointing out the gate he had used to freedom.

   One time we were charmed by a resort in Mission Bay and stayed there a few days.  Vacation Village is no more, but I still fondly remember the time we spend there.  But mostly we stayed on Shelter Island.  Back then, Shelter Island was a long strip of land with a boat harbor on the north side and Mission Bay on the other (with a few of Coronado Island).  In the middle was a string of slightly upscale motels, within our modest budget.  Now the motels have been replaced with high end hotels.  I barely recognized the place when I drove by there a few months ago.

   I loved it there.  Dad and I would walk across the street to a small fishing pier where he taught me how to fish.  I caught my first fish there.  Fishing was something my dad always loved to do, even up to his death.  Just down the block was a small park with a large bell from their sister city.  I was allowed to walk there by myself.  Lots of time to dream.  My parents and I would explore the area too.

   This vacation time was amazing for me.  Due to Christmas I always had new books and I had the freedom to read them.  There was time for adventures with my parents.  I think their love of travel and adventure was what instilled that in me.

   I was thinking of one year's vacation.  I was probably 10 at the time.  This trip started differently.  We drove all the way to Phoenix, AZ in one day, which was a long drive for us at the time.  Remember, this was before modern freeways and highways.  We caravaned with Van and Candy Johnson, who were related to my parent's friend, Frank.  The Johnsons were a young couple, just out from Illinois and this trip I got to ride part of the way in their new Mustang.  Pretty car, but ours was more comfortable for that long drive.

   After we got to Phoenix we drove to the airport to pick up Frank, and then we parted company.  We drove down to Tucson and then Tombstone.  We all enjoyed Tombstone.  My dad took some good photos and we met some interesting characters there.  That night, after I was asleep my parents went back to the bar and apparently had quite a night.

   The next morning we headed south, my parents nursing hangovers.  We saw a sign advertising a place called Colossal Caverns.  My dad said, "Why not?"  It was probably about 5 miles down that road, all up and down.  Despite how he was feeling, dad drove that road for maximum enjoyment for me.  Rather like a roller coaster.

   The Caverns had an underground tour, which we took.  Once we reached the furthest point down the guide turned off the lights to disorient us.  It was really, really dark.  Then he asked us what direction north was.  Somehow I knew.  That was the first time that I realized that I have a natural sense of north.  Magnetic north, actually.  I have to adjust for true north.

   From the Caverns we drove down to Yuma, where we spent the night and visited with friends.  Then on to San Diego for a few days before going home and back to school and work.