Raising Future Citizens
Babies
This will be the first in my next series. I call it Raising Future Citizens because that is what good parents do. We have to remember that the young people we are training will be the people who will be running our world eventually. And taking care of us, most likely, as well.
What are my credentials for writing this? Sixty years of age, twenty some years of teaching all levels, youth group leader and helper for all sorts of stuff. And most importantly, the mother of Sean and Katy, ages 31 and 28. I'm rather proud of them. Both graduated college, are working, no arrests, no drug or alcohol problems, and no kids (yet). So here's what I've learned from my kids and others. I'm starting with children as babies.
The first point that I want to make is that babies bounce. Well, not literally. But every new parent comes home thinking that their new baby is so fragile and they have to be so careful! That is true to some degree, but it's easy to take it to extremes. I keep thinking I'm going to start seeing newborns with helmets on because of parental paranoia. Common sense is the first thing parents need. A good sense of humor is the second.
Yes, you are going to drop the baby at some point. They aren't dolls. They move a lot and not the ways you expect. I remember the first time my firstborn slipped out of my grasp and hit the floor. I was sure I had brain damaged him for life. Nope. It hurt, and he was surprised, but no apparent lasting damage. Stuff like that happens. If they are really hurt, and you're worried, go to the doctor. Just be sensible.
My second point is that newborns seemingly are tubes that make noises and messes at both ends. They get better. It is a good thing they are so cute. I'm convinced that it's a survival trait. If babies weren't so cute, none of us would have survived. They are very labor intensive for the parents and/or caregivers for the first few years (18?).
Learn to laugh. Babies are cute anyway. Sometimes what they do or get into isn't so cute. We started a contest of sorts for which of us dealt with the worst diapers. No real prizes, just bragging rights. We had a dump of the day, week, and month. The worst ever was declared to be the dump of the year. he cleaned the kid, I stripped the bed, put in clean, and started washing. Whew!
Babies understand human language long before they can talk. A case in point. One night, long before our son could actually talk, we were talking about something my son was interested in. I made a comment about where in the room it was. My son immediately turned his head to where I had mentioned. They may not be able to communicate back, but they understand early. Don't forget it!
I want to spend some time on discipline and babies. Even small children are ego centric - that is, they are convinced that the world revolves around them and their needs. With babies that is logical. We spend large amounts of time dealing with their needs. It takes time to get them to understand that others have needs too.
But at the same time, there needs to be a balance. Parents do not have to rush to care for kids when they safely can't. A good example might be the getting the kids to fall asleep by themselves thing. At some point, a baby has to learn how to fall asleep in his (or her) own bed without having mom or dad hold them until asleep first. The first time the kid gets put in the bad, still awake, crying. Do the parents pick the child up to comfort him, or do they let him cry himself to sleep? Pick him up the first time and the child has learned to cry to get his way. Eventually the baby learns, but it's not always easy on anyone.
Although it may not seem logical, discipline has to be different with each child. It's probably connected with learning styles. My son always had to learn the hard way. His younger sister watched and decided to avoid those punishments by not doing the things that caused them. A stern talking to usually was enough for her in young years.
How to discipline? No spanking. Verbal when babies. And physically taking them away from the problem area or thing. Always say, "No" in a firm voice. You mean business and the same word said the same time equates with babies. Think about how you train a puppy. It has to happen when the infraction occurs or else the lesson is lost.
As I said, be clear and hands on. Plan ahead. You know your child. Especially when they start to become mobile. My son eyed my husband's guitar that he kept out for a long time. Eventually my son figured out how to roll. What was the first thing he rolled towards? The guitar, of course. I saw him start that roll and correctly guessed his goal. Just seconds before he got there, I pulled the guitar away. We didn't keep musical instruments and such out again for quite a while.
Which brings me to another point, child proofing. In your own home, it makes sense to put locks on lower cupboard doors. I always left one in the kitchen unlocked and put tupperware in there that the kids could play with while I was cooking or such. Baby gates are a good idea. It limits where they can go once they are somewhat mobile. If part of your place has stairs, please, please put in baby gates. Learning how to navigate stairs is a necessary skill, but it takes time. So please protect!
But you do not have to totally child proof your home. Find that common sense again. Some things you can train a child to leave alone. But until then, put the expensive breakables up high where the baby can't get to them, yet. Some babies do learn to climb. Really well.
Having the house child safer is great, but what about when you visit others? It is not reasonable to expect people you are visiting to child proof their homes just for your visit. That leaves you with options. Either you leave the child with someone else while you visit, you invite them to your home, or you keep several eagle eyes on your child the entire time you're there. All the options have flaws. The 3rd one is the most common and often fails because children are so fast!
I remember a story from the old days, when car windows were not electric and often had what was called a "wind wing" to let small amounts of air in from one side. A 6 month old baby I know now was sitting on his mother's lap in the passenger seat while the neighbor was showing off his new car. Mom wasn't paying attention until baby managed to unattach the wind wing and it landed in her lap. No one there could figure our how to put it back in, let along how a 6 month old could get it out! They had to take the car to the dealer to get it fixed. When you are not watching, babies and small children can do amazing things!
Change of topic. Classes for babies. Since I'm a teacher, I like people learning new things. I do have specific opinions on classes for babies and toddlers. Water safety classes - if the baby or child will ever be anywhere near a pool, lake, river, or the ocean, YES! Those classes save baby lives. Mommy and me classes - mostly I like them. Just don't overdo. I found with mine that one class at a time, geared to their developmental level was enough. For me the point of the class is that your child is learning new skills with you there.
However, I am not really in favor of baby classes where the parent just drops the kid off. Babies especially need lots and lots of parent time. They will most likely learn it better with you.
This leads to my thoughts on child care. There are reasons why so many cultures see it as a norm that a child needs full time care, often by one or both parent (or even grandparents or other family members). A child needs consistent care. And as a parents, that is primarily your responsibility. Because my husband's job was very time intensive, we chose to have me only work part time so I could spend the time needed with our children. It was the right decision for our family.
However, we were lucky. Often, just to survive, both parents have to work, often full time or more. What happens to the kids then? If possible, other family members not working help out. Or friends. When I first went back to school I paid a friend who had a son the same age to watch my son while I was in class. Later on, when I was working part time, I found a day care center that was flexible with my needs. My children consistently attended there two days a week, and I could arrange for more if needed.
The real key is to determine what is best for your child/children. For some families, live in help works best. There is constancy. But for me, the question becomes, who is raising your children? Are your children spending formative years with strangers because you need the income? Or are both of you determined to have careers, even though you have children? Children require sacrifice. What will yours be.
Enough soapboxing. Babies are to be enjoyed. They need a lot of time and affection, but they also need to know that they are not in charge. Next time I hope to talk about the early rebellion years, 3-5.
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