I'm Back

I'm Back

An Update on My Life

   My apologies for such a long delay between posts.  It's been a long 7 months.  In September my mother died.

   Soon after my last blog in April mom fell.  The Senior Center where she lived was used to her walking around at all hours of the day.  The first time she fell she just injured the area around her eye (she managed to get her glasses caught in an eyelid of all things).  The second time was about two weeks later.  This time she managed to break her hip bone.  She was in the hospital for about 3 days-including surgery to put in a partial hip replacement.   She was never the same.

   Mom spent almost all of her time in the hospital sleeping-or at least trying to.  She deliberately chose to step away from reality and retreated into herself.  She would emerge when I came into her room, but only for a short time.  It was a forerunner of what was to come.

Although mom did have physical therapy back at her Center, she never walked unaided again.  She would leave her bed only if the nurses and aides forced her.  They began to have to help her eat.  On her own mom refused to eat.

   By early summer I knew the time was drawing close.  There were still days when I could have a coherent conversation with mom.  But those were becoming further and further apart.  In July mom's remaining sister and some of my cousins came to visit mom.  I am so very glad.  My other brother (who lives in Arizona) also made a quick visit out.  It was time to say goodbye.

By the end of August my mom was in increasingly poor health.  Her weight had dropped to less than 100 pounds.  She wasn't eating unassisted.  That's stage 7 of 7 on the Alzheimer's scale.  I knew she was ready to go, but when would her body let her go?

Finally in mid September the staff and I had a conference.  According to mom's wishes, she had a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order.  No heroic measures to keep her alive.  And I made sure the staff understood mom's wishes.  After listening to the options, I agreed (as mom's person in charge of decisions) that a temporary feeding tube be put in.  As soon as the meeting was over I went to explain this to mom.

   I should back up a few days.  Around the 15th of October mom actually spoke to me for the last time.  I didn't know it at the time.  I think it was the following night I had an odd dream.  In it, mom spoke to me and asked if it was a good time to talk to me about something.  I, of course said yes and woke up.  My this time, mom wasn't talking.  I told her about the dream and asked her if there was something she wanted to tell me?  She gave me a loving smile, but didn't say anything.

   Anyway, on the 19th of October the feeding tube was put in.   Mom was pulling deeper and deeper into herself.  the nurses told me that it was clear she didn't like the tube.

I was at work on the 20th when I got a phone call from the Center.  Could I please come down as soon as possible.  Mom's breathing was labored.  Could they do a chest x-ray and determine if she qualified for hospice care?  Yes to both.  My work was wonderful and let me leave right away.

   As soon as I walked in the room I knew it was time.  Mom's eyes were closed and her mind was not connecting to anyone in the room-not even me.  Her focus was on trying to breath.  The x-ray had come back-pneumonia again.  I think it was the 3rd time in less than a year.  The hospice nurse was on her way.

I got to spend several hours with mom.  The nurses came and went.  The hospice nurse was a very nice, very organized woman.  We agreed on the goal of making mom's passing as gentle as possible.  The woman was going to stay with mom the whole time.

   Eventually I went home to have dinner with my son and his girlfriend.  They wanted the news, and to see me.  I got the hugs I needed.  I was getting ready to go back to the Center when I got the call that I needed to get there soon.

   It was a short drive, but my mom was gone by the time I got there.  I'm ok with that.  It's not crucially important in our family to actually be there for the final breaths.  I do know that when mom's body finally let her go, my dad was probably there to show her the way.

   The nurses gave me some time with mom's body.  That was very strange.  Talking to my mom, though really, I was just talking to her shell.  And yes, I cried.  I'm teary eyed typing this.  Eventually it was time to move on.  My children had already informed me that they did not want to see their beloved grandmother dead.  So I had the Center call the mortuary and I went home to spend some more time with my son.  And to talk to my daughter.

   I took the next day off work so I could start to process everything and to start notifying people.  I still probably haven't gotten to everyone, but I'm hoping the Christmas letters will take care of most of the rest.  Like when my dad died,  I made my lists and started getting stuff done.

   The memorial service was about 2 weeks later.  It was very lovely and the right people came.  By that, I mean the people that mom would have wanted there came.  She would have liked it.

   And now, coming up on two months after her passing, I thought I'd be doing ok.  Instead, physically I'm run down and I'm dealing with unusual amounts of exhaustion.  I feel like an old lady myself.  I finally went to see my doctor and his theory is that I have been hyper vigilant in making sure mom was cared for properly for so long that now that I don't have to be that way, my body is forcing me to relax.  To allow myself to catch up.  It's a good theory, but it's not making my life any easier.

 

So, I am still getting as much done as possible, but I'm not pushing myself as much as I used to.  I'm finding that I still need more sleep than before.  I'm hoping I can get past this soon, but for now I'm allowing myself to grieve and to get stuff done as I can.

 

I hope to be able to start writing here again soon.  Let me know if you have any topics I should write on for you.  Thank you for listening.

Mom's Family

Aunt Alice Stories

   Last week I wrote about my Aunt Alice-what her life was like.  Today I'd like to just tell some Aunt Alice stories.

  I don't remember many stories about Alice as a young girl.  She was 11 years older than my mom, so they didn't really get to know each other until they were both adults.  That's where the stories start.

  Alice and Murry were an interesting couple.  He was, frankly, self righteous in so many ways.  He knew how his life and his family were supposed to be.  An example:  My mom worked in downtown Los Angeles.  On nights when Murry had a meeting to attend (usually something church related-or Knights of Columbus), Mom and Alice would plan.  Sometimes the plan was for mom to pick up "movie" magazines and Alice would pick up a couple of bottles of beer.  Or chocolates.  Or ice cream.  All of these were not allowed in Murray's world.  The two would have a relaxing evening (while still doing chores), and all evidence would be gone before Murray got home.

   As soon as Alice had her final child (Elaine, #6), she went forward with her plan to get back to teaching.  Because her teaching credential was from New York, she wasn't able teach in local public schools.  I think she took some classes.  She was able to get a job teaching at a local Catholic elementary school.  Where they lived was right on the border between Catholic parishes, so the family attended church where Alice taught.  They stayed at that church until the kids were high school age.

   My mom and Alice stayed close, even after mom married.  She and my dad baby sat for Alice and Murry until their oldest could do the job.  The two couples tried to be social together, but Murry was the problem.  My dad and Murry would go shopping for a meal together.  My dad would pick up 4 bottles of beer for the evening.  Murry would put two back commenting, "Let's not be pigs."  Sometimes I'm amazed Aunt Murry didn't injure him.

  But Uncle Murry did have his good points.  He loved his children.  And he did have a sense of humor.  The entire time mom lived with them Murry tried to teach her the proper way to wash and dry dishes.  Almost every night.  Years later, after a family get together at his house, Murray was helping mom wash dishes  He commented, "So did you ever learn the proper way to wash dishes?"  It was his attempt at a joke and my mom took it as such.

   I remember that my Aunt Alice like good wine.  Since my mom worked for Trader Joe's, she would bring over bottles, when she could, for Alice (and Murry if Alice couldn't hide it) to sample.  If Murry was out, the two woman would share.  Over the years Alice had a few favorite wines.  Mom would spend the extra money for them.  After Alice got sick with her final ailment,  mom would go over to Alice's more often, usually with a bottle of Alice's favorite wine.  The two would spend time, enjoying the bottle and remembering.

   Towards the end Alice couldn't drink alcohol because of her pain medication, so my mom ended up with a couple of bottles of Alice's favorite wine.  On the anniversary of Alice's death my mom and I drank one in her honor.  I think mom gave the other to Alice's kids.

   Alice had a giving heart.  She made this a part of her religious service.  Alice and Murry were always helping others.  I remember taking clothes and food to immigrant families.  If there was a need, you could usually find them involved.  One story relates to that.

  Like many women of their generation, they tended to make part of their clothes.  My mom always said that Alice was a much better seamstress.  Mom could make the simple stuff, but Alice usually had to help mom with anything complicated.

   One time my mom made a lovely and striking dress that was intended for going out on a date.  Mom had worn it once, but was saving it.  One night she came home from work, intending on wearing the dress for a date (possibly with my dad).  It was gone!  Alice had gotten a call that some charity needed clothes and so Alice raided closets for clothes to give away.  My mom was furious!  Alice's response was, "You only wore it once and they needed clothes."  My mom made it very clear that mom's belongings were off limits from then on!  I think my mom was remembering all the times that their mom, Ruth, had gone through their belongings looking for money and stuff.

  My Aunt Alice amazed me.  Her husband was such a pain.  Murry didn't mean to be.  He just knew he was right.  I enjoyed watching Alice maneuver Murry.  He would enter the kitchen (Alice's domain until after a meal) all upset about something.  She'd let him rant on about it for a few minutes.  But before he could decide his plan of action, she would say something to take his mind in a more productive direction.  Sometimes she would redirect to him to another topic altogether.  Often, later on he'd come in informing her that they needed to come up with a solution.  Alice would tell him that she had already taken care of it for him-based on his ideas, of course.  She kept him convinced that he was in charge of virtually everything that went on in their house.

   And that was my Aunt Alice.  Always keeping things moving, always helping.  She had a big heart.  Of course, if you weren't behaving properly, she had no problem telling you so.  She was, after all, a teacher.  But mostly you remembered her love.

Mom's Family - Aunt Alice

Mom's Family

Aunt Alice

   My personal life is rather hectic right now, so I'm taking a break from some of the blogging.  In order to focus on the more positive, I'm going to take another look at my mom's family.  This time I want to examine all of my mom's siblings in a more cohesive manner.  Starting with my Aunt Alice.

   Alice Connor was born in June of 1915.  A year and 3 days after her parents marriage.  She was born in the family home in Staten Island.  Babies weren't born in hospitals back then.  In fact, 5 of Vincent and Ruth's 7 children were born there.  It was an older home in a good neighborhood.  The family considered itself (upper) middle class, even though most of the men worked in what we would consider blue collar occupations.  The family had servants and raised all of the children living there with their middle class standards.

   Before Alice started school a series of disasters began to befall the family.  Between 1919 and 1920, almost all of Vincent and Ruth's parents and grandparents died.  Ruth's father died the next year.  With John Turnpenny's death things began to change.  Within 6 years (after probate and the splitting of the proceeds) the family had sold the family house and most of Ruth's siblings had moved to upstate New York.  Ruth, Vincent, and their 5 children bought a small dairy farm and joined them.  Alice would have been 7 years old.

   The 6th child, Louise, was born within months of the move to the farm.  Ruth was in the late part of the pregnancy during most of that.  The youngest, living child(Joan) was born 2 years later.  Looking at the records,  All of the children had the normal diseases.  As the oldest girl, Alice must have been very busy helping.

   Approximately 1936 both Alice and Ralph graduated from high school-Ralph 2 years early.  Despite the lack of money, it was expected that the children would go to college if they could.  Since Ralph was already a professional musician, it was decided that the limited family college funds would go to Alice.   And so started what was probably the first real freedom that Alice had ever known.

   Alice attended college (to become a school teacher) just far enough away from home that she would have to live on campus.  So she found a job with a family who let her stay there as long as she helped out-a sort of live in maid.  Before that she got a job at Tupper Lake-an upstate New York summer resort.  She enjoyed her time at the Lake.  In fact, that was her summer job throughout her college years.  She did come home, but only for short visits.

  In June of 1937, after only 10 years of unsuccessfully trying to run a dairy farm, Ruth and Vincent sold what was left and moved back to Staten Island.  Not to the nicer neighborhood Alice had spent her early childhood in.  Instead they moved to Manis Harbor, down by the docks.  If was a rough, blue collar neighborhood.  But there were a lot of families, equally down on their luck.  Alice visited, but it wasn't where or how she wanted to live.

   There are a lot of facts that I don't have.  I know that brother Ralph (who Alice stayed close to most of their lives) married Betty in 1939.  I don't know if Alice was able to finish college, though I think she did.  I do know that some time after 1941 (probably around 1943), when the War started, Alice moved out to California with Ralph and Betty.  Both Ralph and Betty were tired of Ralph always being on the road with his music.  And Ralph was finally ready to go to school to become a doctor.

   Alice was ready for the big move because of a personal tragedy.  While at college she had become engaged.  The young man joined the air force and became a pilot.  Whatever plans they had died when her young man died became a casualty of a Natzi sinking of his ship (transporting him to Europe).

   Why California?  I think partly because it was on the other side of the country.  And because of the better winters.  Brother Everett had come through CA, via San Francisco on his way to the fighting in the Pacific.  Everett had declared that after the War, he was moving to California.  I suspect the whole family became infected with "California fever", because almost all of the family eventually moved there.

   While Ralph and Betty were getting settled in, Alice found work at a plant that was involved in the War effort.  It was Southern California, in the Los Angeles area, so maybe an aircraft plant.  In any event, she met a young man there.  He was an efficiency expert (the source of many a family joke after), single, Roman Catholic (like her), and blessedly 4F.  This was a man she wouldn't lose to the War.  They married and their first child was born in 1944.

   Alice's life was very busy after that.  They ended up with 6 children total.  The last 2 were against the advice of her doctor.  Brother Del came out to CA in July of 1945.  Ruth, Vincent, Louise, and Joan came out to CA after the War ended, in August of 1946.  In September of that year, after a major fight with her mom, sister Joan came to live with Alice and Murry and their growing family.  It was a time for the two sisters to finally become friends.  The eleven year difference in their ages had made that difficult.  They remained friends the rest of their lives.

   In 1949 Joan moved out to marry Jack Houk.  By then Alice and her family had moved into a house in the city of Alhambra.  The housing tract was supposed to be for veterans, but they were the second owners of the house.  They lived there on Camellia Drive until after Alice died.  Joan had her wedding reception there.  It was a house filled with life, laughter, and love.  Joan and her family lived in the next town, so they were close enough to visit each other often.  Alice had no problem letting Joan's daughter stay with them so the young couple could have some vacation time alone.

  There are a lot more stories that could be inserted here.  Hopefully I can do so later.  But to close this for now...  Eventually Alice retired from teaching at a local Catholic elementary school.  All of her children had married.  Only one divorce, that of her policeman son.  All were doing well.

   Alice was diagnosed with Leukemia.  She and her family had time to spend with each other.  Her time with her sister, Joan was especially precious to her.  Finally she had only one more goal.  Her oldest granddaughter was due to get married.  She wanted to be healthy enough to attend the wedding.  The story is that Alice met with her oncologist, asking for stronger pain killers so she could take part in the wedding.  This young man initially refused, stating that he didn't want to take the risk of her becoming addicted.  My aunt had been a school teacher, raised 6 kids, and dealt with a difficult husband-a mere doctor wasn't going to stop her.  I think her response was something along the lines of, "And this is a problem why?"  She got her drugs and was able to participate in her granddaugher's wedding as she had wanted.  I remember that she died less than a month later.

   Alice's memorial service was very fitting.  Since she knew she was dying, Alice had planned her service.  And it happened the way she had planned.   She had been one of the pillars of her parish for many years.  I think it was a memorial by the church to make sure her plans were carried out.

   I remember my Aunt Alice with much love.  She was a woman who had gone through a lot, but always found a way to help others.  She and my uncle lived a life of service to their children and others.  In many ways, they were the best Catholic Christians I've ever known.

Holy Week

Holy Week

   Real life has been remarkable lately  My job has altered several times in the last few weeks alone!  By the Sunday after Easter my job situation should have settled down (praying) and I should have my mom moved to more appropriate care.  Until then, I'm rather busy.  So only one posting this week-my thoughts on Holy Week.

   In the Christian world, Holy Week refers to the time between Palm Sunday and Easter.  It is the most holy of Christian holy days.  It's a time when we remember the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  How it is celebrated varies amongst Christian churches.

  It is most celebrated amongst traditional liturgical churches-Roman Catholic, Lutheran, Episcopalian, Orthodox, etc.  Sadly, many of the other Christian churches do not keep a liturgical calendar, so the concept of Holy Week is limited.

   

   Lent is the season before Holy Week.  It's a time to prepare your heart and mind for the upcoming high holy days.  It starts on Ash Wednesday.  The theme of that day is that we need to remember that we started from the earth and will one day will return to it.

   The preparation of the heart and mind can come in various ways.  Fasting is often encouraged.  Common is the idea of "giving something up" for Lent.  This ranges from doing without certain foods or drinks, to giving up certain activities.  It's up to individual to choose.  Along with this is the idea of adding.  Individuals who choose to give up, for example,  one meal a week, can use that time in extra prayer.  And the money saved to donate for the poor.  Reading of spiritually encouraging materials works as an add as well.  These choices should be personal and not health challenging.

   Holy Week starts with Palm Sunday.  This is the annual remembrance of the triumphant entrance of Jesus into Jerusalem.  The crowds greeted Him with shouts of, "Save us!"  The crowd thought Jesus was going to be a political savior-to free them from Roman rule.

   Historically, Jesus spent the time from Palm Sunday to Maundy Thursday teaching and preaching in Jerusalem and camping outside the city.  They were poor and Jerusalem was full of people coming into town for Passover.

   Maundy Thursday is a very important day.  That evening was the first night of Passover and it was the last time that Jesus was to celebrate it with his disciples.  And he knew it.  The format of Passover celebrations hasn't changed all that much since the days of Jesus.

   That night, as was their habit, Jesus and His disciples went back to their campsite at the Mount of Olives.  Judas, the betrayer, had already left to bring the Temple guards to capture Jesus.  Instead of sleeping, Jesus spent much of that night in prayer.  It is recorded that He prayed twice, asking that He not have to go through the death that was preordained.  After that, His prayers were for help during the ordeal to come.  The disciples slept through this.

   After Jesus was done praying the guards showed up and Jesus was arrested.  He went willingly.  The Temple leader held a trial which took quite a while, because they couldn't find two witnesses to agree.  Eventually a guilty verdict was reached.  But since they couldn't condemn Him to death, Jesus was hauled to King Herod, the local political leader.  Herod knew what a political hot potato Jesus was and refused to condemn Him.  So Jesus was brought to the  Roman authority, Pontius Pilate.  The Temple leaders really wanted Jesus killed and brought strong political pressure on Pilate.

   So Jesus was condemned to die.  He had already been ridiculed, tortured, and whipped.

Churches that hold Maundy Thursday services often hold what are called vigils.  Prayer times.  Times to remember the sacrifice of Jesus.

  What is commonly called Good Friday is often called a Holy Day of Obligation.  Roman Catholics are required to attend church that day.  It is a day of mourning.  Jesus has died on the cross.  He has been buried in a borrowed tomb.  The Jewish officials, remembering what Jesus had said about His resurrection, posted guards at the tomb.  I don't know about other churches, but in the Roman Catholic church the normal candles are extinguished.  Even the priests' robes are somber.  Since Jesus traditionally was on the cross from 3-5 p.m., that's when the Good Friday service was, growing up.  Longest church service of the year.

   Many non-traditional Christian churches hold their Good Friday services that evening.  The message is still that of the death of Jesus and what that means for us.

Holy Saturday is a day of waiting.  Jesus is still in the tomb.  Traditional churches continue holding prayer vigils.  For some, it's a way of identifying with Jesus.  In specific ceremonies (no matches), the church candle lights are re-lit.  Waiting.  Lent is almost over.

Easter can be an amazing day.  It's a celebration.  Jesus has come back from the dead.  If you have spent Lent preparing your heart and mind it's a great release.  It's the end of fasting.  Easter is a day to feast.  Chocolate figures highly in my day.

   Protestant churches popularized the Sunrise service.  I'm not a morning person, so I don't often attend Sunrise services.  But many people love them and find them very inspiring.  This year I have to work during the day, so I'll be attending an evening service.

Christ is risen!  He is risen indeed!  And we are reborn as well.

Freque Factory - Spring Break at the Beach House

Freque Factory

Spring Break at the Beach House

Since this coming Sunday is Palm Sunday (and since I drove by the site of this set of adventures last weekend), I decided to take a break before starting to talk about my time at LWT.  This set of adventures takes place while I was in high school.

   When I was a sophomore in high school I found out that my senior Girl Scout troop had a tradition.  Every year, during our spring break, we would use a beach house on the coast north of Ventura, CA.  The beach house was actually owned by a church group, but one of the girls (a year older) had a father who was a minister and that was how we got to use it.  We had to be, well, Girl Scouts while we were there.  No misbehavior, which included sex, alcohol, and drugs.  We also had to keep the place clean as well.  But it did mean that our group had the use of a lovely multi story home in a small beach community.  And by beach house, I mean we walked from the back patio right on to the sand.  It was wonderful.

   For some reason, Monique couldn't come with me that first year.  The car I was riding in for some reason turned out to be the last one up there.  Since I didn't have best friends (like most of the girls a year older) saving bed space for me, I had to hunt for a place to put my sleeping bag.  I think I ended up on the floor of one of the upstairs rooms.  The rest of the folks in the room mostly managed to avoid stepping on me.

   The place was sort of in the middle of nowhere.  There were about a dozen houses on the road.  At one end was an odd pier that was an oil pipeline (there were oil pumps close by).  The other end was a surfing beach that butted right up against the highway.  Down the road a way, if you could safely cross the highway, was a very small town with an even smaller market.  It was the only one in the area.

   I don't think any of us minded.  Most of the girls were typical Southern Californians.  They were out there on their towels, soaking up the rays right after breakfast.  Me, I like laying out in the sun, but it doesn't like me.  I blame my Northern European ancestry.  If I put on enough sunscreen, and stayed out of the water (and stayed somewhat covered up), I survived.  Luckily, I really like walking along beaches.  And during the heat of the day I could be inside-reading a book, writing, or playing a card game with someone.  I was not particularly close to most of the girls.  I had a few friends there, but I like being solitary.

One of the things I will always remember about the first trip was how the world didn't end.  You see, some well known prophet had predicted that the world was going to end on a specific day (and time).  That day just happened to be when we were up at the beach house.  I realized that the odds of that actually happening were pretty slim, but I decided to go along with it.  Besides, I figured, what better place to be when the world ends than sitting on a beautiful beach?  So at the appointed hour I was there on the beach, wearing my hat, eating my lunch.  I had a lovely time.  Eventually it was late enough in the afternoon that I needed to go in to start helping fix dinner.  So yeah, I was waiting, but the world decided not to end that day.

   A side benefit to that day was that I was sitting down towards the last house in the row.  Just happened.  The owner of the house came over and we started talking.  We laughed about the world not ending.  Turned out he was just a few years older than I.  For a living he was a guide to groups who wanted to tour the outer Channel Islands-visible on the horizon.  He wasn't much to look at, but fun to talk to.  He told me to look for him next year if I came.  When he was out on a tour he'd be gone a week or so at a time.  So we'd see.

   The second year of our spring break beach house trip, Monique was able to come along.  I knew it was going to be interesting.  By then we had trained our Scout leaders that, despite their misgivings, we were reliable.  Hippies yes, reliable also yes.  The big thing that we tended to do on weekend camp outs (especially ones near beaches) was to go on long walks together.  Our usual plan was to leave some time after breakfast with our lunches.  We'd tell our leaders where we were going and when we'd be back.  Usually  we stuck to our plans.  When we didn't though, it was usually epic.  Which reminds me, I really do have to write down some of the other epic hike adventures.

   When we arrived at the beach house our Junior year, I once again had a hassle finding sleeping space.  I think I ended up on the same floor.  But this time I think everyone in the room was closer friends to us, so it was more fun.  And being in an odd room on the second floor meant the leaders were less likely to raid us.  On our first short hike the first evening I determined that my friend at the end house was indeed home.

   Now we were under 18 years old, so any interaction with an adult male had to be secret.  So of course, Monique and I were able to do it.  We managed to spend several hours in his house, talking to him and his friends.  They invited us to go with them to the local swap meet the next day.  That would take much more serious planning on our part.  We left with plans for the next day.

   For the rest of the day and that night we were on our best behavior.  It had to have made our leaders suspicious.  But no one had seen us talking to the guys, and we certainly didn't tell anyone of our plans, so all was well.

   The next morning we informed our leaders where we were going to hike.  To go that far would take 2-3 hours.  Our leaders themselves had made that hike the prior day, so we got approval.  We grabbed the lunches we had made and took off.  Once we were beyond the sight line, we ducked back to the first house.  The guys were waiting and we hopped in to the car.  All the way down the road we  crouched down by the floor boards, so we couldn't be seen.  

   It was a fun swap meet.  Monique bought some jewelry.  I just had fun looking.  We made it back on time, well maybe a bit late.  Our leaders said they hadn't seen us.  We told them that we had crossed the highway (which we weren't supposed to do without permission and an adult) and walked down that way.  We got in a bit of trouble for that, but nothing like we would have if the truth were known.  I think we had to do extra chores and were limited in our hikes.  Not a problem.  We knew that soon enough some of the other girls would do something foolish and our "mistake" would be forgotten.

   The third year the guys weren't there.  We were high school seniors then, preparing to take on the world.  We actually got the bed in our little room on the second floor.  We took our younger friends with us on hikes and considered walking out the odd pier at the other end.  We eventually figured out that there was probably some sort of security and we really didn't want to be in that much trouble.  Turns out we were right.  There were some other teens staying in a house down that way who did try it.  Cops showed up and everything.

   It was a quiet year, but we had fun.  The end of our high school was soon.  We knew that we wouldn't be able to return to that beach house again (and we didn't).  It was a lovely place full of happy memories for us.  Every time I drive by that stretch of beach I remember and thank God for the generosity of the church folks who let us use it.

Mamma Sandy Says - Marriage Stressors, Part 3

Mamma Sandy Says

Marriage Stressors, Part 3

The Other Stuff

  I've talked about the two biggest stressors to a marriage or long term relationship-money and children.  Times to finish this up with a discussion about the other big ones:  illness and travel.

   Having a child who is seriously ill is an incredible source of stress on a relationship.  And not just for the couple.  This affects every one in the family.  Because one child is seriously ill, they require more care, more time.  Any other children tend, justifiably, to feel neglected.  And will, most likely, act out.  Adding more stress to what is probably already a volatile situation.

   And the causes of stress with a sick child are many.  To start with, who is caring for the sick child?  If at the hospital, add in travel time and time away from everything else, including care for the home.  If the child is at home, is there professional nursing available?  If not, who?  How is this affecting the rest of the family?  If mom is doing most of the nursing chores, then who is picking up her household work?  Is she still able to fulfill other, outside responsibilities (like the other kids sports, lessons, scouts, etc.)?  Who's keeping the house clean and organized and making sure permission slips get turned in on time?

   Don't forget about the money.  How is all this being paid for?  Who is dealing with the insurance company, the hospital, the doctor, and (hopefully not) the collection agencies?  Are any of the working adults having to take time off to care for the sick child?  Again, more money problems.

   And the blame game, don't forget about it.  With all that stress it's easy to get into fights and to try to find reasons why all this is happening.  Your other children will do it too.  And let's not forget about the sick child.  They're going to have their own issues.  And they'll probably blame themselves for being ill.  And even more blame themselves if the family implodes.

  Moving on now to the other illness issue- non child family members.  I'll speak specifically about senior parents, though it can be a sibling or other family member as well.  I'm a member of what is being known as a "sandwich generation."  While caring for my children I've also had to deal with a sick parent.  My dad died when my kids were in grade school.  Luckily, it was a reasonably short illness, but it still had its effect on our family.

   Any time you have care of a family member, you are dealing with many of the same stress causers.  When dealing with seniors, it can be worse, especially if it's a long term, terminal illness, such as Alzheimers.  A lot of other stuff gets thrown in.  Whose parent/family member is it?  The other spouse may become resentful of the time and resources being spent.  As well as any children.  Are any of the other siblings helping?  How much?  What's the money situation?  Is the rest of the family helping?  Potential for arguments that can have far reaching effects on more than just your family.

   And when the parent dies,  a whole new bunch of problems dealing with the estate.  Who gets what?  Who pays for what part of the remaining bills?  Hopefully the deceased had things set up to avoid most of it.  But there is still the probability of potential heirs just coming in and stealing stuff they think they deserve.  Sad.

I don't want to talk about the problems without talking about potential help.  The big thing to remember if you have children with serious, or long term problems is that you have to be aware of what's going on.  Take the time to analyze how people are doing and what the problems are.  Then make a plan to fix the problems.

   One of the biggest problems is caregiver stress-that goes for helping the elderly as well.  The caregivers cannot expect to have their normal work loads as well as caring for the sick.  It doesn't work, as I can attest.  Look into respite care.  Somehow get others to come in and give you some time off.  You really, really, really need to care for yourself as well.  I know a family that had a seriously ill child.  The mother was the primary care giver.  Due to the nature of the illness, she had to be up nights a lot.  She didn't have any respite care and wound up dealing with Sleep Deprivation issues.  The child eventually was fine, but the mom ended up in the hospital for over a month.  She's still a bit fragile and the family imploded.  The father couldn't handle all of it and is now gone.  Get help when you need it!

   Here's the quick bits of advice.  Don't be too proud to ask for help.  Of all kinds, including help in understanding and dealing with the hospital, etc.  If that's where you're at, get prayer.  It helps.  Make sure you don't go beyond your own limits.  Take time for your own health-both mental and physical.

Last, there are issues of travel that can tear families apart.  Most of us are aware of how life in the military can affect families.  My older brother was a career Marine and I remember what a hassle it was for his family every time he got transferred.  Usually he would have to move first, so it would be his wife who would have to finalize the move, arrange everything, including transferring the kids to a new school.  Once at the new location, it would be her job, often, to get everything organized.  If there were there long enough, she could get herself a job-only to do it all again.  When my brother had to go overseas where he couldn't take them, his wife became a single parent mom.  He could advise, and there was money, but she had to do all the work and take all the stress.  I was amazed the marriage lasted as long as it did.

   But besides military families, there is a growing trend for companies to have their employees travel-often a lot.  I'm aware of more and more of my children's friends having to be out of town for work.  And not for sales jobs.  These are larger companies that don't care that their employees may have families.  And not all of these jobs pay that well.  

   Recently I got to meet up with a friend who now lives on the East Coast.  She was out here for a few days for company meetings.  If she hadn't been here, she would have been in Italy, also for company stuff.  Luckily she has a husband who doesn't have to travel as much and can even work remotely when their child is ill, mostly.  First world problems, but it's growing.

   Like the other problems, it requires planning and awareness.  The spouse who is feeling the stress needs to say something.  And the other spouse needs to really listen.  And they need to figure out solutions.

So be aware, in these kinds of situations.  Look for signs that family members need help.  Find ways to help.  And be patient.

Freque Factory - Kings Mansion, Part 2

Freque Factory

Kings Mansion, Part 2

   I've described what the house looked like and who was there, time to talk about my adventures while I was there.

   When I first moved in no one in the House was attending a local church, despite the House rule about that.  I soon found out that was a recent development.  The House inhabitants had been attending a local church that had been supportive.  Then suddenly the support was gone.  As far as we knew, we hadn't done anything to upset anyone.  Eventually the news came out that the pastor was having an affair.  I don't remember all the details now, but it led to our leaders pulling us out of there.

   Eventually they decided that, for now, we would start attending Calvary Chapel Costa Mesa evening services.  Chuck Smith was an excellent Bible teacher and the Afterglows were good.  Although it was about an hour drive each way, we went for many months and almost always enjoyed it.  We loved the music!  We finally stopped when the crowds got too huge.  It wasn't as nice when you had to sit outside-and with our distance we didn't always get there in time to get an inside seat.  I think also that may have been when some changes started.  I seem to remember the Afterglows were no longer encouraged.  Probably that was about the time that Lonnie Frisbie stopped leading them.

  Probably one of the best adventures we had was due to lost tickets.  There was to be a huge 3 day Christian music festival at the Orange County Fair grounds.  All of the good contemporary Christian music groups we liked were performed.  The local Christian music store was selling tickets.  For some reason the House had agreed to sell a block of tickets.  Came the day to turn the money in, the tickets were gone.  No one in the house remembered agreeing to sell them even.  But we owed the money, apparently.  P contacted the Festival promoters and cut a deal.  In exchange for the missing money/tickets, we would provide 3 days worth of volunteers.

   The fair grounds were just down the street from Calvary Chapel, so it made for 3 really, really long days, but it was so worth it.  I mostly worked at the check-in table at the performers entrance.  I didn't get to hear a lot of them perform, but I did get to meet many of them and deal with their problems.  The big thing I discovered was that my favorite performers were very human.  I saw band leaders with egos, with tempers, and some that were humble and helpful.  That event was so much fun!  I wish I had kept a program of it.

   I celebrated my 21st birthday while living at the House.  My dad took me out for lunch at our favorite Mexican place, Panchitos.  I ordered my first legal drink (in CA), a Margarita, of course.  That night was a meeting night at the House and there was a cake for me.  As everyone present was singing the birthday song for me I realized that this was my real birthday.

Things started to change at the House when M announced that she was pregnant.  Suddenly she didn't have the energy to do everything she had been doing.  We began to realize just how much she had been doing.  Her prior complaints made much more sense to us.

   I think impending fatherhood got to P as well.  He began to voice his feelings of inadequacy in dealing with the House.  Well, he was being a spiritual father to all of us!  So he started looking for a low cost Bible college locally.  The two of them had also started visiting local churches again, since we had stopped attending Calvary Chapel on Sunday nights.

   One Sunday P & M came home very excited from visiting a new church down in Monterey Park.  It was the home of the Bible college he had found.  The very next Sunday, he declared, everyone in the House was going there for Sunday morning service.  As far as he was concerned, he had found our new church home.

  There was something about the name and location of the place that seemed familiar.  Could it be the same church that Lisa had taken me to (in what seemed) so long ago when I was a brand new Christian?  That place was very Pentecostal, as Christian churches go.  I was what was being called Charismatic, so faith wise, it wasn't such a stretch anymore.   And a lot of what I had thought so strange back then, wasn't so strange to me now.  Sunday would tell.

   The following Sunday was life changing for many of us.  As I had suspected, the church, LWT, was indeed the Pentecostal church Lisa had taken me to.  The worship band was as strange as ever, though not as strange as it seemed before.  Eventually I got used to the mix of piano, drums, guitars, trumpet,  steel guitar, and harmonica.  The important thing was that God was there.

   In the middle of worship prophecy broke out.  Ignoring the Pentecostal "Thus sayeth the Lord..." the message was clear.  'The place I was standing was Holy Ground.  I should take off my shoes (Biblical precedent).  This was where I belonged.  I was not to leave until God told me it was time to go.'  I took off my shoes and stayed.

   There was a lot of uproar around the House after that.  Some of us, like me had clearly heard from the Lord and were committed to our new church.  Others wanted no part of it.  Things came to a head a few weeks later when M told me that the house would be closing soon.  She and P needed to focus on the next phase of their life together.  And two weeks later, we were all moving.

Kings Mansion was an amazing place for a very transitional time in my life.  As I started learning how to be a Christian, in Huntsville and then at the Christian coffeehouse, I realized how little I knew about my new faith.  And how far I was from what I could be as a Christian.  As I read the Gospels I realized how radical the faith was that Jesus preached.  It wasn't just church on Sunday.  It was a totally new lifestyle.  The more I read, the more I liked that lifestyle.  And I especially liked the fact that God was helping me get there.  But I knew I needed more help in starting that faith walk.  I wanted to life in a place where I was surrounded by God.

   The Kings Mansion was that place for me.  If I had a question about what I was reading in the Bible (and I had a lot), there would be someone around who could help.  Need prayer?  Someone was always there.  And I could be there for them.  We all learned that it is almost as good to serve as to be served.  I needed to feel loved and I was.

   In many ways, it was like moving into a Catholic convent.  Our lives were centered around God.  None of us dated (at the time).  It was like living in a Second Chapter of Acts life.

   Was it perfect?  Not at all.  We were all very different individuals, each of us with our own opinions on how everything should be done.  But we really tried to live a Christian life.  And mostly we succeeded.

   I think it was because I was living there, immersed in learning what it was to be a Christian, that my transition from the hippie drug culture was so easy.  Why would I want sex or drugs when I was experiencing the love of God first hand?

So what happened to the people of Kings Mansion?

   P & M drifted away from our new church.  I think he only finished one semester of the  Bible college he so wanted to attend.  Several years later I ran across M.  She and her child were fine, but she and P had divorced.  He wasn't doing well.  I pray he was able to deal with whatever it was and has since found happiness.

   F, T, Lori and C all went with me to the new church.  More on them later.  I wish I could remember the Opera singers name.  He vanished when the House closed down.  I'd like to know if he was ever able to be successful in his career choice.

  L. didn't do so well.  His rebellious nature caused him to go off on his own.  He fell into drug and alcohol use.  I happened to talk to him a few years ago.  He was mentally unstable, dealing with a lot of stuff.

  Kat and Susan stayed with the Altadena house people.  Blessings upon them.  I wish I was still in contact with them.  Charlie didn't actually live in the house and attended a church with his family.  We rejoiced with him when he graduated from high school and prepared to attend college.  But by then the House was closed and the group was scattering.  Charlie went his own way-away from us.

   Troubled Noel did finally find his way to the Lord and was living with us at the end.  He got into trouble at the new church (I'll talk about that later) and I lost track of him.  I just checked, he does have a facebook page, so maybe someday we'll talk.

   F's family friend, Kieto went with F to the new church.  Kieto loved the Lord until he died a few years ago.  I look forward to seeing his smile again.

In conclusion, Kings Mansion was a unique part of Christian history.  It was part commune, part half-way house, and part school of Christian living.  It and others across the country like it created safe places for those wanting to leave the hippie culture with it's drugs and increasing violence.  It was a place where people like me could transition to more traditional churches.

   So many of us needed places like Kings Mansion.  As we were to find out, many of the more traditional churches weren't ready for an influx of former hippies turned Jesus Freaks.  They had no idea what to do with us.

   

Mama Sandy Says - Marriage Stressors, Part 2

Mamma Sandy Says

Marriage Stressors, Part 2

Children-Yours, Mine, and Ours

     The big two in relationship stressors are money and Children.  I think every expert I've ever read agrees on that.  Last week I looked at money issues.  Let's look at a few of the issues relating to children (there are so many I could be writing  for the next several hours and still not list all of them).

   

  I've said several times that once a couple (whether they've only been together one night or 20 years) has a child, they will most probably have to deal with each other on some basis for most of the life of their child. How much will probably depend on both of you, the need of the child(ren), and possibly the judicial system.

   Here's where my plug for birth control comes in.  The Poxy Boggards, a Southern California musical group have a song entitled "Don't Stick it in the Crazy."  Every man should engrave that in his brain (or elsewhere).  There is no song (yet) for women, but "Don't Let the Crazy Stick it in You." would be a good one.

   It may just be my luck, but in my experience it's the crazy woman who almost always have children.  I know one guy who got involved with several of them, and had children by two of them.  And regrets every minute of it.  The sex just wasn't worth it.  Now he has to fight to spend time with his kids.    So yeah, think before you have sex.  If a child results from this am I going to be able to stand dealing with this person?  If the answer is no, then walk away.  It's as simple as that.  Sermon done.

A lot of problems regarding children stem from the fact that the couple do not have the same philosophies about child raising.  If you don't agree, your child will know it and use it to his or her advantage.  "But Dad (or Mom) said..." is a pretty sure way to start an argument between the parents.  You have to take the time beforehand to agree on policy.

   One of the things we did was to agree to always back the other parent up.  Even if I didn't agree with a ruling my spouse made regarding the kids, I never said so except privately to him.  At the time I would back him up.

   If you can agree ahead of time on policy and how to handle disagreements regarding the kids, you have just avoided a lot of stress and disagreement.

A policy issue that may not be avoided is one child has the ability to talk one of the parents into things.  I'm still convinced the strongest bone in my daughter's body is the one she had her dad wrapped around.  No amount of pre-planning could have avoided those rapid capitulations.  That's when I had to be the mean parent and inject some reality into the situation.  Your home may be the opposite.

How to raise children really becomes a major issue when a couple has children from former relationships.  The kids may or may not be full time members of the household.  How do you deal with the fact that other adults are a part of the decision making process of some of the household children?  It's enough to cause massive headaches.

  And if you have your own on top of that?  Blended families can be wonderful, but you really need to work on the communication issues-a lot.

I'll talk more about this next week, but if you add a child with special needs to the mix, add many more sources of stress.  Have a teen or pre-teen?  Your stress just doubled (at least).  They've discovered dating and romance?  More stress.  And that's all the normal stuff.  If you think (or know) your child is making some bad life choices (drugs, wrong sexual partners, etc.) it's even harder.

So how do you deal with all this child related stress?  Some of it is normal.  Some comes from events that can't be anticipated.  Some come from wrong choices.  But all of the stress will work towards tearing the family apart.  So how do you avoid that?

   My first thought is that you as a person need to take time for yourself.  Figure out what works as a de-stressing tool for you.  It may likely be time alone-either in prayer, meditation, or just walking.  Make sure  your partner gets time alone as they need it.

   Take time for the two of you to be alone.  Date night for married couples is a necessity.  Arrange for a spa day for the two of you.  People taking care of sick or elderly people need respite care for themselves, so do you.

   And take time to have family times that are unrelated to the chaos around you.  Your kids may object (especially the teens), but sometimes a walk on the beach, or a Monster Truck Rally, or some fun adventure may be just what all of you need to remind yourselves that you are a family.

And lastly, if the stress is getting too much, don't be afraid to ask for help.  We've talked about this before too.  Lots of resources out there.  Be brave enough to ask.

Freque Factory - Kings Mansion

Freque Factory

Kings Mansion

  It seemed like the next step in my spiritual journey, so I moved into the Christian House, Kings Mansion.  It was, I think, 1973.  Both of my parents were concerned that I was joining a cult.

  Christian Houses were a phenomenon of the time.  A lot of hippies were discovering Christianity.  We (and I include myself) didn't really fit in with traditional Christian churches.  We didn't feel comfortable with the rules.  And frankly, many of us were still dealing with drug addiction and sexual stuff.

   There was no set rule on what a Christian House was like.  Some were limited to only one gender.  Some were affiliated with a specific church.  Some were almost cult like with strict rules and limits on communication with the outside world.  But all required its members to have a love for Christ, to obey house rules, and forbade drug use and sex.  Some of them were very much like Christian communes.

   The house I moved in was called Kings Mansion.  It was in the city next to my home.  The house itself was a two story Victorian.  The owner had divided it into two residences, but we worked on it and made the house look as much like it had originally.  I'll describe it more later.  The house held public meetings twice a week and they were well attended by local young people.

   In charge of the house was a young married couple, P and M.  They had real hearts of compassion for all of us.  M fought a never ending battle with never enough money or help to keep us fed and the house running.  She was our House Mother.  P was "dad."  He was loving and kind, but had the ability to be firm as needed.  He was also ticklish.  P had a day job.  He was an avid student of the Bible.  P had an interesting back story.  Though he didn't talk about it much, he had briefly been a member of the Mansion Family.

   T and F were best friends and brothers in Spirit.  They met the Lord (Christian speak for initial experience when one chooses to become a follower of Jesus Christ) while on acid trips at a concert.  It's a great story.  T is an artist, F a drummer with a lot of charisma.  F had a job as a vacuum cleaner salesman for a while-one of the few I knew who was somewhat successful.  F was much happier helping people to choose Christ.  Still is.  The two of them, at first spent as much time as possible talking to others about Jesus, or reading the Bible, or other Christian stuff.  Eventually they got jobs like the rest of us.

   K was a young woman who became a good friend for many years.  D was a young woman who had been part of our outside community.  Eventually she chose to ignore her over controlling parents and moved in.  D had a medical condition as a child, which had caused her parents to be so protective.  Moving in with us was her first step towards her independence.  Her parents blamed me (don't know why).  Years later they realized how much I cared for her and protected their daughter back then.

   One of the earliest residents was G.  He was a close friend of D's.  Soon after she moved in he moved up to Alaska to work with a missionary group up there.

   We also had our more unusual residents.  L was a man with lion-like hair.  He had gotten a good job (through family connections) right out of high school.  This gave him less patience with those who didn't have jobs.  L has a strong rebellious streak.  And somehow, for reasons I still don't understand, we had a young man who was seriously studying opera.  He paid rent and wanted to be left alone to practice.  Very disconnected with the rest of us.

   Those were the residents.  We also had several people who stayed with us briefly.  I remember one girl who stayed a couple of months.  She was strange.  In retrospect, probably schizophrenic.  Lots of hippie types who weren't quite ready to settle down.  Too strung out and/or crazy.

   We also had quite a few people who were over so much they might as well have been residents.  Lori was a beautiful young woman who was truly in love with the Lord.  She worked at the local Christian bookstore.  Her best friend was Kat.  Another amazing young woman with a great heart.  Diana was full of life and in love with the Lord.  But my favorite was Suzi.  She was also tied in with a Christian House in Altadena, but was with us a lot too.  I should mention here that many of the group attended the same high school as T and F, and were all friends.  Diana and F had been friends for years.

   Charlie was younger (still in high school).  He was a musician and often led worship for our public services.  Noel was F and T's friend from high school.  It took a long time, but Noel finally found his way to the Lord.  I think he did live with us for a while.  His dad was a well respected teacher at my high school.  Kieto was much older, a family friend of F's.  Although Roman Catholic, he learned to love the Lord.  I loved watching his face light up during worship.

  

Our House rules were pretty simple.  No drugs or alcohol.  All residents were expected to participate in House activities-including twice a week public meetings.  Living there was not a free ride.  Jobs were encouraged.  If you did have a paying job you were expected to donate a certain percentage of your pay to the house.  If you didn't have a job, M would find things for you to do-often household chores.  Individual prayer and Bible study was encouraged.  House members were to attend church on Sunday.  And finally, there was to be peace among House members.  If there were problems that we couldn't solve ourselves, P would moderate.  We had a House council as well-everyone involved.

Physically, as I said, we live in a two story house.  The front door led into the living room.  That was the room we used for our public meetings.  Old couches and comfortable.  That room led into the kitchen area.  We even had a walk in pantry.  Off the kitchen was the downstairs bedroom and bath. I didn't make it back there much.  I remember bunk beds.  There was also a wrap-around porch that was used for storage until the opera student started using it.

   Upstairs was the girls dorm, P and M's room, the bathroom and the bay room.  I loved the bathroom.  It had a stand alone old fashioned tub with claw feet.  There was often 4 of us in the girls dorm and we were crowded.  The bay window room was really small.  It became our guest room.

   I mentioned the Altadena Christian house.  Due to Lori, Kat, and Susan we had a loose relationship with this group.  It was a male only House with pretty strict rules.  It was almost a monastery.  Several of us would go there on Monday nights for their public meetings.  Even though the meetings ran late, I still liked going there.  It was there that I was first prayed for to receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit.  Both Houses believed in the power of the Holy Spirit, which was a common thing back then.

Hopefully next week I can write about my experiences there.

Mamma Sandy Says - Marriage Stressors

Mamma Sandy Says

Marriage Stressors

   Last week I talked about how couples argue and discussed some rules/suggestions for how a couple can survive discussions.  This week I want to start talking about some of the major problem areas that couples seem to have.

   Money seems to be one of the biggest problem areas, statistically.  Lots of arguments about who earns it, how is it spent, who makes the financial decisions, etc.  Let's look at each of these for some ideas on how a couple can sail through these murky waters.

   There can be a lot of ego issues coming to the surface with the question of who makes the family money?  Does the fact that the other person in the relationship makes more money or has a more prestigious job cause problems?  If so, that's a big issue that needs to be worked out.

   Sometimes the problems are encourages by societal pressures.  To this day I still cringe when I think of all the women who went to work during WWII, only to be fired and told to return to homemaking because the jobs needed to go to them men.  Ethnic factors may play a role, as can spiritual belies.  

   In this day and age people of both genders are supposed to be able to work at what they want to-what they are best at.  For some couples, having the man with the primary job and the woman with limited work (while she cares for children and home) is the way to go.  For others, the woman is the primary wage earner, while the man has more of the household responsibility.  But for many, I think it is a careful juggling act, with both members of the couple working and both trying to keep the house and family going.  And at various times in the relationship it can be all three!

There are lots of potential problem areas connected with who pays the bills.  There are so many ways to handle bills and no one right way.  It really depends on the couple.  And what works when newly married may not work 10 years later.

  Often when a couple first moves in together, they each have their own banks and accounts.  At first, it's easy to decide that person A pays certain specific bills, person B pays others, and they each pay the rest.  That seems to work reasonably well when both persons make comparable amounts of money.  That system will need revamping once the dollar amount of bills goes up, or one person starts making considerably more money than the other.  The key is communication.

   Joint bank accounts can work well.  But there has to be a lot of communication to make sure that accounts are not overdrawn.  For me, having two checking accounts with my spouse worked.  The bank account he oversaw was the primary one, the one he payed most of our bills with.  Since he was away most of the daytime hours, my account handled day to day stuff, like food, doctor visits, school stuff, emergency repairs, etc.  As needed, we would transfer money from the primary account to the one I took care of.

  I do need to make the point that financial needs change.  When we were first married I handled most of the finances.  For a variety of reasons.  Later on, after we had children, he took over the primary financial stuff.  He was better at it and I was more than busy keeping care of the kids and the home (as well as working part time).

   As a couple, you need to both be aware of what the bills are and when they are due.  I still maintain a spread sheet.  The bills, once they come in, should be checked, then stored in a specific location until paid.  Both need to be aware of the bills and  looking for problems, but one person should have the specific job of keeping tract of the expenditures.  I recommend someone who is reasonably good at details.

   You really, really need to talk about the bills.  And not in an accusing way.  If it seems that one person is spending too much on something, that probably needs to be talked about.  My ex did not believe that basic groceries were as expensive as I had told him.  I desperately needed a change in the grocery budget.  Then I took him grocery shopping with me.  List and coupons in hand, we only bought what was on the list.  The bill was about what I said it would be.  And way over what he had thought.  I got my increase.

   Which brings up the point that budget planning is a really good idea.  It is not my strong point, so I have to work harder at it.  Don't forget to plan for vacations, kids future expenses, and your own retirement.  And budget planning should be discussed often.  It should not be an excuse to accuse each other.  If there are problems, deal with them.  Financial counseling is available.  Regular counseling as well to deal with underlying problems.

  I want to point out again that how you handle your money today may not be what's best in the future.  Things change.  Sickness and unemployment happens.  Other responsibilities can change to plan.  Be flexible and willing to change as needed.

  In closing I want to touch on how money can effect other potential problem areas.  For example, the topic of who does what?  If both partners are working similar hours, in this, more modern age, it can be expected that both partners will do approximately equal amounts of the work associated with their relationship-the household chores.  But what if one partner's work is much more exhausting?  Or one has medical issues?  What if the hours worked (including commute time) are not the same?  Should the chores be discussed?  Indeed.

   And as I so often say, be flexible and be willing to make changes as needed.

Freque Factory - The Start of a Spiritual Journey

Freque Factory

The Start of a Spiritual Journey

   I was back in Southern California from Alabama.  Mom let me stay with her.  Mom had a good job and was stable, so that was ok.  She had a solid circle of friends as well.  I thought they drank too much, but they cared about her.  And she was happy.  My dad was living with her floozy and her criminal son.   I didn't talk to him much.

   I started looking for a job.  It was a slow process, especially since I didn't have a car.  But then, a small miracle, my phone rang and the toy company I had worked for before was asking if I wanted to return.  I assumed it would be factory line work again, and they'd lay me off again, once the orders were out, but it was a job.  To my surprise, they sent me with two other girls to the metal shop/shed.  I didn't even know that place existed.  My job for the next few months was to clean the metal bows that the guys were creating.  I couldn't talk about it at the time, but the guys were making parts for two sizes of real crossbows.  Those crossbows were to be distributed to the Hmong warriors by the CIA.  Secret allies getting secret weapons.

   It was a cool job.  I spent the day checking and cleaning metal bows.  The crew was nice people.  I wasn't working the assembly line.  We didn't have air conditioning, but we didn't need it.  One day we got to watch company higher ups demonstrating how the completed  cross bows worked.  Those things were wicked! 

   Mostly I got rides from my co-workers.  It was kind of surreal though.  Suddenly there was an oil crisis and there was gas rationing for cars.  Having to remember what day you could get gas and making sure you didn't run out of gas on the off day was strange.

   Monique had come home while I was back East.  The two of them had filed for divorce back there and it was done.  Monique was doing a lot of partying.  Freddie was spending a lot of time and money on her.  And drugs.  I didn't hear from her a lot.  We were both busy getting our lives back together in our own way.  

   Much later on Monique told me the story of the end of her wild days.  Her parents were worried about her.  She was spending more and more time out at Freddy's place.  One day she woke up at his place and realized that she didn't remember when she had last been home.  Freddy wasn't there and as Monique sobered up she wanted to go home.  She didn't even know where she was.  Eventually she found a working phone and called home.  Her parents were able to figure out her general neighborhood and eventually her dad found the house.  Freddie had locked Monique in, but she was small enough to get through a window and escaped.  Monique never spent time with Freddie again.

   I stuck to my plan to increase my Christianity.  I started out with what I knew.  I went back to the Catholic church I was raised with.  It was good, but somehow not enough.  One day I found out that the church was now hosting a Christian coffee house in the high school basement on Saturday nights.  I don't drink coffee, but they advertised live Christian music and Bible study.  So I went.  It became my Saturday night home for many months.

   The people running the coffee house weren't really Catholics.  One of the guys on the team had grown up in the church and his family was still active, so that's how they got to rent the site.  The music was a revelation to me-contemporary Christian music!  They played the current artists when the band wasn't playing live.  Rock and roll that was Christian.  I found out where the local Christian book store was and started spending money.  The sales people there were really nice.  Bought my first Bible too, since the people at the coffee house used them during the Bible studies.  Another new thing for me.

   I got to know the people at the Coffee house.  The leadership were cool people, but not wanting to be close to us new Christians/Catholics.  I got along better with the band members.  The bass player, besides being cute was a nice guy and fun to talk to.  I made a new good female friend, B.  She was about a year younger, but we started hanging out when we weren't at work.

   Eventually the Catholic church figured out that the coffee shop wasn't really Catholic and the lease was cancelled.  Made me sad.  B and I hung out, but she had started dating someone, so wasn't around as much.  Her parents were not happy about it.  But then they were pretty strict with her.  I thought it was C, one of the guys that had been hanging out with us.  Eventually she admitted that she was seriously dating the bass player.  She knew I liked him, but they were in love.  They actually got married within a few months.  We drifted apart.

   As I had expected, my job ended too.  I guess I couldn't help make crossbows forever.  I was planning on job hunting again, but a phone call from my dad changed that.  He was expanding his printing business and needed someone to take over the offset photography side.  So he offered me the job.  The pay was good and close to home, so I said yes.  I think my dad wanted a chance to reconnect with me.  It worked, but we also argued a lot.

   The coffee house was gone and just attending mass on Sundays just wasn't enough anymore.  Then one day when I was at the local Christian book store I found out about a Christian House called Kings Mansion.  The sales girls had been there and recommended it.

Momma Sandy Says - How to Argue Without Blowing Up Your Marriage

Momma Sandy Says

How to Argue Without Blowing Up the Marriage

I've written a lot about raising children, but now I want to talk about keeping a long term relationship like a marriage alive.  I will say that probably the most important thing is to keep working at the relationship-never take it for granted.  Your Significant Other is a treasure!  Unless, of course, they have turned out to not be.  But that's a different blog.

   There are several areas that tend to be the biggest problems in relationships.  They are:

Money (who makes it, how to spend it, etc.)

Children (yours, mine, and ours)

Times of Crisis

Everything else

   I'm sorry, but no matter how much you are in love now, there will be times when you will disagree.  You will have to learn how to disagree/fight in a way that will not destroy the relationship.  Here are some suggestions for rules you might want to discuss and agree upon ahead of time.

1.  Agree to never get physical during the disagreements.  Violence is never a good idea, especially in the middle of a disagreement.

2.  Agree that either one of you can call a "time out" as needed.  You may need to cool off or to think about what has been said before continuing.  Set a specific time to resume.

3.  Agree that yelling is grounds for a time out.

4.  Agree not to argue publicly or in front of relatives-especially not in front of your children.

5.  Agree to fight "fair."  This includes not bringing up past issues that have already supposedly been settled.

6.  If you've been in a relationship any length of time, you know your S.O's psychological weak points.  Both of you should agree not to use those weak points.  Make it as close to a sacred vow as you can to not use them.

7.  Agree to not change topics mid disagreement.  It muddies up the discussion.  Especially bad if you are using it to cover up the fact that you see yourself as loosing.

8.  Agree to compromise.  It's not about winning or convincing your S.O. to agree to your point of view.  Both of you may have valid points. Lawyers joke that a good decision in law is one in which both sides are equally unhappy.  That can also apply here.

9.  Compromise gracefully.  Use tact.  NEVER let your S.O. walk away with damaged self esteem.

10.  This one is important.  It is not your job to force your S.O. into the image of what you have for them!!!  That roads leads to spousal abuse.

11.  You have to agree to disagree.   That's ok.  Set up what ever boundaries you need to.

12.  Be as gentle and loving with your S.O. as you can.  You may need to call for a time out to think about why you just became angry or hurt.  What buttons of yours were pushed?

13.  The old saying to "never let the sun go down on your anger" is a good one.  Take the time to work through to a solution you can both work with.  Then take the time to remember that you did love your S.O. and you might still.

14.  "Make up sex" should be mutual.  Try to be sensitive to the fact that your S.O. may still have some emotional stuff they need to work through before they can be loving towards you.

15.  In my opinion, being a "brooder"-that is, someone that can be cranky for days before starting to address the causes of the anger-is not good.  If the upset person does not communicate the reason for his/her upset, nothing will change.  In fact, this behavior will make the problems worse.  It can feel like the brooder is trying to punish the other person.  Also, the behavior can spill over to effect others in the household.

16.  Be honest with each other-especially when disagreeing.

17.  No emotional manipulation!

   Whew!  The last item leads to my needing to talk about when the couple needs to seek professional help.

a.  If either (or both) of you has an explosive temper.  Especially the kind that can lead to violence.

b.  If there is verbal or psychological abuse going on.

c.  If physical violence is happening when you fight.

d.  If you just can't seem to solve your problems or get past certain patterns..

e.  If one or both of you are having an affair (without the expressed permission of the other).

f.  If one of both of you are lying about key parts of your life together (lying about being fired from your job is one example).

g.  If one of you is still married to someone else (note:  there are important legal problems here too).

   Getting help is not a sign of failure.  It may just mean that you don't have all the tools you need.  Help can come in many forms.  If you attend a church (in any form), they may host or have information on marriage retreats.  Sometimes a guided break away from your normal lives to focus on you as a couple is a very good start.  There are classes and/or retreats led by professionals.  And there are competent Marriage and Family therapists to help you individually or as a couple.  Hopefully soon I will post some tips on choosing a therapist.

   Fixing problems in a relationship, when you can't seem to do it on your own, may not be fixable quickly.  Sometimes you have to be patient and not give up.  Here's a story to illustrate:

   A couple I knew suddenly separated.  We had no idea of the issues in their marriage.  They chose to do a trial separation while both of them saw a therapist individually.  They were separated for a long time. I'm thinking it was over 2 years.  The husband was almost ready to give up, but he kept hanging in there, trying to deal with his own problems.  Eventually they started dating again.  Eventually they did get back together, but I'm thinking it was about 4 years.  But their marriage was rock solid after that.

  So don't give up.  Remember why you stuck around for so long.  Remember why you love them.  Also remember that it takes 2 people to screw things up.  It's almost never just you or your S.O.'s fault.

Dementia Part 5

Dementia Part 5

   My mom was finally living in a place that was safer for her.  She had people to make sure she ate properly and on time, and to make sure she took her meds.  That was such a relief to me!  I still got the odd phone calls, but she was someplace safe.  I was able to spend more time at the Corona Renaissance faire (that I work).  I had been limited to only an occasional day during the run.  And I got to visit my daughter and attend Comicon for the first time!

   But it wasn't perfect.  The staff, while truly caring, had real communications issues.  And, as had been predicted elsewhere, some of mom's stuff started vanishing,  The coffee cup with mom's name on it was one of the first things to vanish.  The staff dealt with clothing vanishing by giving mom stuff that wasn't hers-probably from some former patient.  There will be a reckoning when mom finally leaves.

  Not perfect, but ok.  Mom decided, after the first week that she wanted no part of the activities, or the dining room.  I think she was appalled by the other patients and didn't want to see herself as one of them.  So she mostly stayed hidden in her room, until the need to walk came upon her.  The staff got used to mom walking the hallways.

   The one thing I really, really did not like was the doctor that mom was assigned.  Places like the convalescent hospital mom was at usually have young doctors that show up twice a month or as needed.  It gives those doctors some money while they are building their practices.  Unfortunately, the doctor that mom was assigned was the man we had nick named "Dr. Ass" when mom had been in the hospital a few years before.  A UTI had gone toxic, which eventually led to her needing a heart pacemaker.  Dr. Ass wanted to send mom home the second day, even though she was not lucid, vomiting, and with diarrhea.  Mom's heart wouldn't settle down at that point, so she got the pacemaker installed.  I think the heart doctors, as well as some of the senior hospital staff had words with Dr. Ass.  I was thinking seriously about a medical malpractice suit and the hospital knew it.  So yeah, back with Dr. Ass.  I made sure that man remembered who mom was.  Mostly he's been ok.  A bit of fear of me is a good thing.

   In the second month mom was there I was contacted by the social services person on site.  It seem Medical had decided that mom was "too healthy" to be at that facility and I had to find her a new place to live.  Or else they would start charging mom the full amount.  This social worker was from hell.  To say she played hardball with me was an understatement.  I left her office crying.  I couldn't even visit my mom that day.

   The social worker had given me some leads of places to look, placement companies to contact, including her personal choice.  I spent every free moment I had the next few weeks trying to find an alternative.  Mom could indeed afford the social workers choice (with no money left over to pay her bills), but it was almost a half hour away in a run down house.  And there was gang graffiti on the sidewalk in front of the place.  No thank you!

   I went through several placement companies.  The result was always the same.  Nice multi room houses with nice people running them or re-done apartment complexes but the cost was always more than mom could afford.  She has no other source of income apart from her social security.  I would have to make up the difference.  And I just can't.  

   I kept looking and kept going through placement companies, though at a slower pace.  Despite what the social worker had said, the law states that where she is at cannot just kick her out-mom has to have a place to go to.  Eventually the social worker from hell was transferred and the new one was more understanding.  The site did eventually start taking all of mom's social security check every month, and giving us a bill as well.  But she has a safe place to live.

   As we had expected, with the move (as with any change for dementia patients), mom did have a drop of skill levels and memory.  Not too bad at first.  Her short term memory was now down to about 15-30 minutes and she was starting to loose some of her long term memory, though most of that could be accessed with prompts.

  In the 3rd month she had an A Fib episode tied to a urinary tract infection.  I was at the movie theater when that call came in.  I told the Center to send mom to the ER (what they wanted to do) and I would meet them there.  Many, many hours later mom was released and sent back to her new home.  New meds and the center learned to watch mom for the UTIs.  That hasn't happened since.  

   Mom got better from the UTI, but as usual, another drop in memory, etc.  More and more mom was choosing to walk the hallways and not taking part in any of the planned activities.  Definitely a subconscious response to her environment.

   Finally, about 5 months in, a found a company that could actually help mom and I.  It turns out that CA has a program that will help medicare patients fund appropriate housing for poor seniors in need of care.  Glory Hallelujah!  Where was this information a year ago?  I was back to checking more locations-this time I was looking at places with dementia units.  They tended to be more expensive, but that really is the care mom needs.  I found a place about 20 minutes north of me, in the city of Downey.  It's a small dementia unit inside a senior housing unit.  It meets all the parameters I had and I liked the staff.  So with the help of this new placement company, mom and I applied for the waver program to pay for the Downey site.

   Getting our part of the application done was easy.  The company helping us was most efficient.  However, the application had to go to the state capital to be approved.  Around the first of the year we found out that mom's application was about to be approved.  Then the bad news that the process had taken too long (probably due to the Christmas holidays) and was denied.  We had to apply all over again.  Sigh.

   The holiday season was really hard.  Because of work I usually celebrate Thanksgiving the day before.  I made arrangements for mom to spend much of the day with me.  She was glad to be there, but it was confusing for her.  She liked being around her grandchildren, but was tired and glad to go back to her new home.  A few days later mom and I had lunch with her older sister, who was in the area.  My Aunt Louise and her family could see how poorly mom was doing.

   As the time moved towards Christmas I realized how much of my traditions were centered around helping mom to have a good holiday season.  With mom in the center, it was difficult to get her out on a day pass, so a lot of our traditions had to end.  Mom didn't miss them because she didn't remember it was Christmas.

   I had to re-think how I wanted to celebrate the holidays.  Some traditions I kept, though it was bittersweet, missing having mom (as she used to be) with me.  I added some new ones.  But it was hard, especially knowing that mom might not be around at all next year.

   Mom was with me for Christmas Eve.  I picked her up after work.  We had dinner (pre-cooked) and my kids come by.  After dinner I took mom back to her home and I got to spend some more time with my kids.  It was hard for all of us.  It was clear that mom is now a shell of her former self.  Christmas morning I visited mom, then drove down to spend the day with my daughter and her in-laws.  It was good for me.

And that's how 2014 ended.  I am convinced that dementia and Alzheimer's disease are the worst way to die.  Loosing someone to cancer is painful for them and heart wrenching for the family, but this is worse.  Watching a healthy person loose themself is much worse.