I'm Back

I'm Back

An Update on My Life

   My apologies for such a long delay between posts.  It's been a long 7 months.  In September my mother died.

   Soon after my last blog in April mom fell.  The Senior Center where she lived was used to her walking around at all hours of the day.  The first time she fell she just injured the area around her eye (she managed to get her glasses caught in an eyelid of all things).  The second time was about two weeks later.  This time she managed to break her hip bone.  She was in the hospital for about 3 days-including surgery to put in a partial hip replacement.   She was never the same.

   Mom spent almost all of her time in the hospital sleeping-or at least trying to.  She deliberately chose to step away from reality and retreated into herself.  She would emerge when I came into her room, but only for a short time.  It was a forerunner of what was to come.

Although mom did have physical therapy back at her Center, she never walked unaided again.  She would leave her bed only if the nurses and aides forced her.  They began to have to help her eat.  On her own mom refused to eat.

   By early summer I knew the time was drawing close.  There were still days when I could have a coherent conversation with mom.  But those were becoming further and further apart.  In July mom's remaining sister and some of my cousins came to visit mom.  I am so very glad.  My other brother (who lives in Arizona) also made a quick visit out.  It was time to say goodbye.

By the end of August my mom was in increasingly poor health.  Her weight had dropped to less than 100 pounds.  She wasn't eating unassisted.  That's stage 7 of 7 on the Alzheimer's scale.  I knew she was ready to go, but when would her body let her go?

Finally in mid September the staff and I had a conference.  According to mom's wishes, she had a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order.  No heroic measures to keep her alive.  And I made sure the staff understood mom's wishes.  After listening to the options, I agreed (as mom's person in charge of decisions) that a temporary feeding tube be put in.  As soon as the meeting was over I went to explain this to mom.

   I should back up a few days.  Around the 15th of October mom actually spoke to me for the last time.  I didn't know it at the time.  I think it was the following night I had an odd dream.  In it, mom spoke to me and asked if it was a good time to talk to me about something.  I, of course said yes and woke up.  My this time, mom wasn't talking.  I told her about the dream and asked her if there was something she wanted to tell me?  She gave me a loving smile, but didn't say anything.

   Anyway, on the 19th of October the feeding tube was put in.   Mom was pulling deeper and deeper into herself.  the nurses told me that it was clear she didn't like the tube.

I was at work on the 20th when I got a phone call from the Center.  Could I please come down as soon as possible.  Mom's breathing was labored.  Could they do a chest x-ray and determine if she qualified for hospice care?  Yes to both.  My work was wonderful and let me leave right away.

   As soon as I walked in the room I knew it was time.  Mom's eyes were closed and her mind was not connecting to anyone in the room-not even me.  Her focus was on trying to breath.  The x-ray had come back-pneumonia again.  I think it was the 3rd time in less than a year.  The hospice nurse was on her way.

I got to spend several hours with mom.  The nurses came and went.  The hospice nurse was a very nice, very organized woman.  We agreed on the goal of making mom's passing as gentle as possible.  The woman was going to stay with mom the whole time.

   Eventually I went home to have dinner with my son and his girlfriend.  They wanted the news, and to see me.  I got the hugs I needed.  I was getting ready to go back to the Center when I got the call that I needed to get there soon.

   It was a short drive, but my mom was gone by the time I got there.  I'm ok with that.  It's not crucially important in our family to actually be there for the final breaths.  I do know that when mom's body finally let her go, my dad was probably there to show her the way.

   The nurses gave me some time with mom's body.  That was very strange.  Talking to my mom, though really, I was just talking to her shell.  And yes, I cried.  I'm teary eyed typing this.  Eventually it was time to move on.  My children had already informed me that they did not want to see their beloved grandmother dead.  So I had the Center call the mortuary and I went home to spend some more time with my son.  And to talk to my daughter.

   I took the next day off work so I could start to process everything and to start notifying people.  I still probably haven't gotten to everyone, but I'm hoping the Christmas letters will take care of most of the rest.  Like when my dad died,  I made my lists and started getting stuff done.

   The memorial service was about 2 weeks later.  It was very lovely and the right people came.  By that, I mean the people that mom would have wanted there came.  She would have liked it.

   And now, coming up on two months after her passing, I thought I'd be doing ok.  Instead, physically I'm run down and I'm dealing with unusual amounts of exhaustion.  I feel like an old lady myself.  I finally went to see my doctor and his theory is that I have been hyper vigilant in making sure mom was cared for properly for so long that now that I don't have to be that way, my body is forcing me to relax.  To allow myself to catch up.  It's a good theory, but it's not making my life any easier.

 

So, I am still getting as much done as possible, but I'm not pushing myself as much as I used to.  I'm finding that I still need more sleep than before.  I'm hoping I can get past this soon, but for now I'm allowing myself to grieve and to get stuff done as I can.

 

I hope to be able to start writing here again soon.  Let me know if you have any topics I should write on for you.  Thank you for listening.