Freque Factory - Post High School, Part 2

Freque Factory

Post High School, Part 2

      By the time the holiday season was over that first year I knew I needed to make some changes in my life.  Living with my mom was impossible.  Living with my dad meant I had to deal with his floozy, and that was unacceptable.   The answer was pretty clear-I needed to move out.

   When I started college I didn't know a lot of people.  That changed. Mostly because I rode the bus. By Christmas I had worked my way into two different groups of people.  One person I met, HJ  needed a new roommate after the first of the year.  I liked her.  The location and the price was right.  Best of all, she had a trundle bed and was willing to let me use one of them.  My parents were ok with letting me take my chest of drawers and night stand, but not the bed, so it worked.  For the first time in my life I was not living with my parents.

   Despite my new friends and roommate, I was still spending time with Monique and her husband.  Brian was back in County Jail.  With him gone Monique felt free to introduce her new husband to Fast Freddie.  I have no idea why.  Freddie still had the hots for Monique, so he put up with Blonde, but Freddie never did make him part of any of his plans.

   So instead, Blonde started trying to make some drug deals with Bad Penny.  Yeah, Bad Penny was back in the picture.  He was living in a small apartment in Hollywood.  One night Monique, Blonde, and I were over there (waiting for Bad Penny and Blonde to finalize a drug deal) and Monique grabs me to take me to BP's bathroom.  Instead she shows me his closet, which has a lot of fancy women's clothes.  He didn't have a girlfriend.  Monique and I were really confused.

   The drug deal fell through, as was often the case.  Instead we sat around while they got stoned.  Eventually Monique asked about the dresses.  It turns out that Bad Penny was wearing the dresses himself.  He was going out at as a female hooker on the streets of Hollywood.  When he had a drunken client he would "roll them", i.e. he would rob them and take off.  He hadn't been caught because what man is going to report being robbed by a female hooker that turned out to be a man?  I can't make this stuff up!

  I think that was the night I ended up driving home Monique's car.  It was a stick shift-first time I had ever driven one.  Luckily it was really late, so not much traffic.  I didn't wreck the car or strip the gears.  I considered it a win.

   Caught up on news from Freddie's family.  Too Cool had married his model girlfriend.  They had a really cute daughter.  He wasn't using cocaine anymore.  He couldn't.  He had used so much he had destroyed the inside of his nose.  So he was drinking instead.  Freddie's sister (the one who was married to the jockey) had committed suicide.  Another sister had done the same before I knew the family.  A history of depression.

   One of the reasons why Blonde was trying to get involved with drug deals was that he was underemployed.  They just didn't have enough money.  And he was getting pressure from his family back in Minnesota.  They wanted Blonde back home. And by summer they had packed up and moved there.

   Since I didn't have a car I had to be creative with my transportation.  I rode the bus a lot, walked, got rides from my new friends, and I started using my old childhood bike.  I got some of the most outlandish paint colors I could and made that bike something that no one would want to steal-and that no one would forget.  It worked.  I put a lot of miles on that thing and it was never stolen.

   As I've written in another blog, I only lived with just HJ for about 2 months before I found myself living with two other people in a 2 bedroom apartment in Montebello.  Closer to school.  Much further from work.  However, about that time I injured my back at work.  Workman's Comp. gave me several weeks paid leave.  The pain did eventually go away, but it was the start of some chronic back pain I still deal with, especially when stressed.  I decided to leave my job.  For one thing, it really was too far to commute from my new place.  And I was about to go visit my brother in Alabama for about a month.  I'd been frugal with my money, so I had enough to pay my bills through September, at least.  I'd get another job then.

   We called our apartment the United Nations and it was possibly the best transition to adulthood I could have had.

  Now Monique was not having it so easy in Minnesota.  They arrived and promptly moved in Blonde's parents.  The dad was rather nondescript.   but Monique's mother-n-law!  The woman' name was Gert.  She was overbearing, opinionated, and clearly in charge of the house and everyone in it.  Monique would tell me stories about living in Gert's house and I sometimes didn't believe her.  I mean, what woman has light salmon colored rugs in her halls and insists that no one wear shoes on them or have dirty feet?  Much later I visited Monique in Minnesota and briefly met Gert.  The salmon colored rugs were real, and I think Monique didn't tell me half the stories she could have.  My goodness!  That woman could have kept a therapist in clients for years.

   Monique was miserable.  After several months, with both of them working, she and Blonde were able to afford a cheap, basement apartment in St. Paul.  To Monique it seemed like heaven.  Monique was trying to get pregnant, but not having any luck.  She was also noticing that her husband was not acting the same way he had in CA.  More and more he was becoming a weaselly mamma's boy.  This did not bode well or her marriage.

Momma Sandy Says - Teens and Activities

Momma Sandy Says

Teens and Activities

     American teens are all different.  Despite their herd tendencies, teens have different responses to things.  Activities are a good example.  In my opinion, teens tend to fall into 3 categories regarding activities.  You can have a teen who is involved with seemingly every activity.  They are busy all the time.  The second group I like to call Cave Dwellers.  These are the teens who almost never seem to leave their rooms or their computers.  They're almost the stereotyped nerd.  Lots of gamer geeks, but art and such fall into this too.  The third group consists of a mix of the above.  These are the kids who are almost balanced.

   As a parent you want your kid to be balanced.  You want them to be active, but to take time for themselves as well.  How do you encourage this?

  The kids who are always active with various activities can be just as disconnected from their families as the Cave Dwellers.  A question that occurs to me is to wonder why they feel they have to be doing so much? There might not be a problem.  But there could be.  Keep your eyes and ears open.

   Something to think about is that many parents keep their children busy.  After school sports, classes, etc.  A lot of modern kids do not usually have time to just play.  I tried to avoid that. When kids are always busy, they tend to follow that pattern as teens-only now they can choose more of the activities they are a part of.

   Another thing that happens is that teens can be led to believe that they need to be a part of a lot of different activities to look good on college applications.  I've been hearing that one since the 1970's.  While there may be some truth in this, well rounded does not mean that your teen is so busy they have no time to breathe, let alone spend time with family or friends, apart from activities.

   Check your own example.  Do you spend your life rushing from one thing to another?  Are you so busy that you have to schedule time to talk to your kids?  If you are, then you know why your teens are so busy.  Just being like you.  Teach your children by example that they need to take time to slow down and just be.

   I'm assuming you have kept lines of communication open with your teen.  If you're noticing that they're never around, have them schedule you some time.  Talk to them about how much they are involved in.  How is all that busy affecting their lives?  Do they have time for friends?  For family?  Are they happy?  If there are some negative answers there help them to look at their commitments and to find places where they can cut back.  Tell them it's ok for them to say, "My parents insist I not do as much." Take some time for you and your teen to do simple stuff together.  You won't regret it.

   On the other end of the spectrum is the teen who never seems to leave his or her room.  They may seem to be permanently attached to their computer.  You maybe dealing with a teen who is addicted to computer interaction and/or computer games.  Social interaction online may seem safer than interaction in real life.

   You will need to communicate with your teen to find out what's going on in their head.  Why are they avoiding real life contact?  Listen to what they are saying.  Think before you respond.  How can you come alongside them to help?

   As easy as it might sound, for some kids just getting them involved in other things (outside their comfort zone) may not solve the underlying problems.

   All that said, I am a big believer in teaching your children to get involved in stuff.  I am a firm believer in volunteerism.  I am happy that many American schools require a certain number of volunteer hours as a volunteer in order to graduate.

   Like so many other things, volunteerism should be modeled by you, the parent.  It really doesn't matter where you help out.  It can be church, scouts, work related, civic organizations, etc. Or just a non-profit that appeals to you.  When it's appropriate, take your kids with you when you volunteer.  I have a sister-in-law who used part of her vacation time each year to work with Habitat for Humanity.  Dirty, messy work, but what a great cause! Help others and teach your kid to do the same!

   A free bit of advice.  Before bringing your teen to adult activities there are some things to think about. What sort of things will happen here?  Is there any danger to your child?  Do you really want your child exposed to this?  Would CPS be knocking on your door if you did?  Use your brain.  Prepare your child for what they might be exposed to.

Freque Factory - Post High School

Freque Factory

Post High School

     In September 1971 Monique and I started Community College.  I was still working my job at the convalescent hospital.  One night, during the first week, I came home late after hanging out with Monique and friends.  I turned the light on to find my father sleeping on the couch.  That had never happened before.  I quickly went to sleep, but I was very confused.  The next day my dad moved out.  Their marriage was finally over.

   My dad got himself an apartment.  We had always had an honest relationship.  That didn't change.  He frankly admitted that he had a mistress for about a year.  He talked about the marriage.  My mom. on the other hand, had what would have been called back then, a nervous breakdown.  I was still living with her at the time.  I'd come home from work and she'd talk at me, non stop.  In retrospect, she was trying to process how her life had just come undone.  But using me as her sounding board was wrong.  I would grab a quick meal and escape to my room where I would quickly lock my door-otherwise she would have come right in, still taking.  Some nights she was so upset she would keep talking through the door.

  Monique quickly realized that college was not for her.  I think she lasted 2 weeks.  Her parents quickly gave her an ultimatum-either school or get a job.  What Monique really wanted to be was like her mother.  But for that she needed a husband.

   Fate, of course, intervened.  Remember Bad Penny?  He was originally from Minnesota.  His crazy family, including his junkie sister still lived there.  One of his childhood friends had just gotten out of the service at this point, and he and another friend decided to move to Hawaii to take construction jobs with family there.  So the two guys made a road trip in their cool car.  They decided to stop in Los Angeles to visit Bad Penny, who they were still in contact with.  Bad Penny was still in jail, but he had sent them Betty's contact info and that led them to Monique's place.

   Despite the connection, Monique's mom took the two guys in. Ex servicemen, clean cut, they seemed like a nice change from most of the guys Monique had been around.  Monique quickly started dating the blonde.  He was the one with the cool car (old Mustang) and the family connections in Hawaii.  The brunette worked his way through most of the women of our group.  Plus more.  I think he was making up for his time in the army.  Brian was still in jail.  Monique was engaged by Thanksgiving.

    Life was getting stranger for me.  My dad had finally gotten my mom out of the family business.  I couldn't handle living with mom any more, so I told my dad about it.  He offered to have me move into his 1 bedroom apartment.  It meant I slept on the couch.  Despite that, I enjoyed living there.  It was peaceful.  My dad would spend nights at his floozy's place, so I was living my myself sometimes.  That was a first.  The only problem was that sometimes the Floozy would want to spend the night at my dad's.  For some reason, I was not allowed to be at the apartment when she was spending the night.  Unfortunately I would have to spend the night at my mom's.  Sometimes at the last minute.  When mom would ask why why I was there I'd have to come up with some reason-telling her I was there because of Floozy would not have been good.

   That first semester of college was my strangest.  Because of the stress of my parent's divorce I was unable to pass most of my classes.  In fact, I dropped all of them except my German language class.  I never did that again.

   Christmas that year was not my strangest (one a few years later gets that title), but it was rough.  Christmas Eve (and that night) I spent with my mom. The next morning my dad picked me up and we celebrated Christmas morning.  To my surprise, I found out that we were going to be joining Floozy and her two kids for Christmas diner.  Not my idea of fun.  I had already met Floozy.  I found her to be selfish and somewhat mean spirited.  She pretended to like me.  Her kids were interesting.  The daughter was just younger than me.  She was a Salvation Army convert.  In fact, she took us to church service there that night.  I wasn't impressed by her, despite her Christianity.  While I liked the son, he was trouble.  Largely amoral and already involved in minor crime.  Also functionally illiterate.  A big 16 year old.

   After the holiday season I went back to school.  Monique began planning her wedding.  Blonde's family was not happy about this turn of events.  They had never met Monique.  They suspected her of being a gold digger.  The family in Hawaii cancelled the job offer. With no employment, brunette went back to Minnesota.  I never saw him again.

    The wedding was sort of thrown together.  But it did happen.  Brian got out of jail just before and he did talk to Monique.  He was still in love with her and accused her of marrying just to get out of the house.  Monique was afraid he'd show up at the wedding.  He didn't.  I thought he was right.

   Blonde and Monique got a small apartment locally.  He got a decent job.  Monique worked some.  They were the first of our group to get married.  Their place became a place we all hung out.

  

Freque Factory, Senior Year, Part 2

Freque Factory

Senior Year, Part 2

        With January of our senior year, Monique and I were ready to make some decisions.  We were both going to go to our local community college.  Betty and Susan didn't know what they were going to do.

    Things drifted along until February of that year.  Then, one morning we were awakened by a 6.1 earthquake.  That was a scary one!  We were all ok, but my apartment had cracks in the walls it didn't before.  We had to go to school, though no ones minds were on learning.  Every time we had an after shock we lost it again.  I remember hearing someone screaming during one of the aftershocks.

   We had a scout meeting that night.  I remember  Monique and I leaving early to talk.  She told me that she had finally smoked marijuana for the first time.  She liked it a lot and was looking forward to doing it again.  She said that she wasn't going to try anything else.  That didn't last long.  From then on, although we continued having adventures, Monique often wasn't sober.  But then, sometimes, neither was I.

   Monique was cast in the school play.  She got to play Bloody Mary in "South Pacific."  I got to see her perform in the final dress rehearsal.  I wasn't there for any of the performances because I was on my dad's sail boat, taking part in the Newport Beach to Ensenada, Mexico sailboat race.  I had been sailing and racing since I was 13.  This was the first big race my dad had let me join his crew for a big race like this.  The weather turned out to be crappy-drizzle rain and overcast the whole time.  And cold.  None of us were dry.  We gave up just south of the border-we'd been sailing for almost 24 hours and the conditions were getting to us.  So we turned around and went into San Diego.  That may have been one of the best showers of my life!

   We still had to bring the boat back, even though we had given up on the race.  Most of the rest of the crew got rides home, so it was just 3 of us bringing the boat back.  I ended up missing about a week of school.  I came back sunburned.  The attendance counselor didn't really believe the note from my parents, excusing my absence, but there wasn't anything he could do.  It felt odd to be back in school after being on the ocean for a week.  I've since talked to people who grew up sailing and they had the same experience.

   Monique was fighting with Brian again.  This one was serious.

Before we were ready for it, June and graduation was upon us.  It was surreal.  I was beginning to realize that after we graduated I was not going to see many of these people again.  Strange.  Some of the people I was graduating with I had been going to school with since kindergarten.  My friend Bill had graduated early, but he came back for the ceremony.  I was relieved.  Bill's last name came before mine alphabetically and I had followed him for years.  Graduating without him in front of me just seemed wrong.

   Once the ceremony was over and we had turned in our robes and such, we were off to our Grad party.  It was at this recreational center someplace.  There was bowling, movies, all kinds of stuff to do.  Since Monique had broken up with Brian at this point she was flirting with one of our classmates.  That left me to be with his best friend.

   Our Grad party was as surreal as the ceremony.  As the evening wore on I realized that most of my classmates were not sober.  A whole lot of marijuana was consumed that night.  It was a night of most of us realizing things we hadn't known about the others.  Wait-you're cool?   I will note that the friend, while a nice guy, kissed horribly.  I dumped him soon after.

      Around noon the next day I was finally awake.  My parents had let me sleep in, but reality soon hit.  I was informed that the next day I had to start looking for a job.  I had to go out and honestly search every day until I had a job.  No longer could I work for my parents, like I always had.  This was shocking.  And remember, I didn't have a car.  The summer heat had started early.  It was not a fun two weeks.  But I did eventually, in desperation, convince a local convalescent hospital to hire me as a dish washer and waitress.

   Monique didn't have to work.  Often she would pick me up from work and we'd go out.  My parents were having even more problems with their marriage, so they didn't seem to notice my late hours.    We went dancing and to concerts.  Monique was dating quite a few different guys.  Brian had been arrested.  He was over 18, so he went to county jail.  I found out later that one day Brian looked up and they were bringing another prisoner to his cell-Bad Penny!  Brian started screaming that if they put Penny in his cell he'd kill him.  I don't think Brian was kidding.

   My 18th birthday was as surreal as the rest of the summer.  The Constitutional Amendment, giving 18 year olds the right to vote was now in effect, so I went down to City Hall to register to vote.  I've done pretty well with that-I've only missed voting in one election.  After work Monique picked me up and threw a party for me at her place.  It was the first time I had ever dropped acid.  Monique made me a purple and green birthday cake.  She was still the star.

     A few short weeks later we were to start college.  My childhood was over.  I just didn't know it.

Mamma Sandy Says - Family and Teens

Mamma Sandy Says

Family and Teens

     Teenagers tend to be pack creatures.  For those teen years, their friends are often more important than their families.  How do you teach your children the value of family?

  I may be sounding a bit like a broken record.  You have to start instilling those values early.  A child who understands the value of family will usually come back to it once the teen years are over.  At the center of their universe is themselves.  The first circle out is the immediate family.  A larger circle is the extended family.  Friends are like a separate circle that overlaps.  Acquaintances are an even larger circle.

   But let's talk about how to teach your younger children about family.  Not immediate family.  You should be modeling that already.  But what about the extended family-grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins?  

   Let's use my own family as an example.  My mother was the youngest of 7 kids.  All married, so I'm one of 15 cousins.  Two of mom's siblings stayed in New York (along with the5 kids), but that's still a lot of relatives I grew up knowing.

   How did my parents do it?  First, they took part in family events when I was young.  Twice a year most of mom's family got together-camping for a week during the summer, and for a few days at Christmas.  My aunt, who lived in the town next to us had 6 kids.  She was willing to babysit me for a weekend, or even just overnight when my parents needed some alone time.  Because I was over there several times a year, I was like one of family.  Seeing the rest of my cousins twice a year was usually enough to keep us connected.  I was one of the younger cousins, so I really admired my older cousins.

   Another thing my  parents did was to tell me stories about the family.  That, combined with photos we would look at kept my mom's family alive for me.  I didn't know my Aunt Marion or Uncle Everett, but stories and Christmas card photos made them "family I haven't met yet."

  My parents also modeled appropriate behavior with the extended family.  My Uncle Murray was a selfish, rather self-important man, but my parents always treated him with respect.  Even I knew at a young age that my Uncle could be an ass, but my parents always spoke to him politely.  Why?  Because they were showing him the respect he was due as my Aunt's husband.

   This modeling came in handy after my parents divorced and he married "the other woman."  My father clearly was not thinking straight those years.  His second wife was a horrible woman.  Yet, following my training, I always showed that woman all the courtesy she was due as my father's wife.  And I taught my kids to do the same.  They knew that this "grandma" was not a nice person, yet I insisted they treat her politely.  He did finally divorce her, by the way.   Fast forward several years.  I'm now divorced and my ex now has a second wife.  The woman has her issues.  I could have treated the woman horribly and caused all sorts of problems.  But I have always done my best to treat her with the respect she deserves as the wife of my ex, and my children's stepmother.  And I have insisted that my children treat her with the respect due the wife of their father.  I'm hoping they pass on this respect to any children they might have.

   It is a fact that not all families are perfect and some families may have people in them that are problematic.  The problems can range from the minor to the major (like criminals and pedophiles).  Of course you will need to keep your children away from family members who might hurt them.  If Great Uncle Freddie is known to be a pedophile (though it's a family secret), they you have the responsibility to make sure that your children are never anyplace where Freddie might be.  I know of a couple who cut off contact with a part of one family for just that reason.  Set appropriate boundaries.

   But with all the problem family members you as parents will need to explain to your children why you don't spend time with that family member (s).  Keep the explanations simple and in an age/intelligence appropriate way.  My mom's family tended to solve problems with family members by shunning them.  No one spoke to mom's brother Ralph for several years.  In his grief over the loss of his second wife he made several decisions that affected the rest of the family in negative ways.  I know I had never seen my mom so angry before.  My parents explained to me that we were going to leave Uncle Ralph alone for a while so he could not be so sad and was able to make better decisions again.  Considering how mad he had made my mom, that was a good idea, I reasoned.  And it did work.

   Sometimes family members will choose to opt out of your family. It might be for some good reasons.  Maybe they just need some time away  This is especially true if they are having issues with a particular family member.  But sometimes the reasons are not so good.  A family member might stay away due to illness (physical and/or mental), financial reversals, arrest and/or conviction of a crime, or even abuse.  We always suspected a form of abuse in the case of my Uncle Everett.

   My Uncle Everett was a lot like Grandpa Connor-easy going, but with an Irish temper.  Everett came back from WWII and married the little sister of his best friend.  Unfortunately my Aunt Jo was raised to believe herself a princess.  Her family was everything to her and Everett's was nothing.  Jo would go as far as to cancel planned outings with our family members who were visiting.  Although Everett missed his family, his contact with us was cut to almost nothing over the years-barely a Christmas card.

   The good news is that with the eventual death of Jo, Everett was able to move out to CA, where his children and the rest of us already were.  He was welcomed back into the family with open arms and spent the rest of his life enjoying all of us.  Which bring up the point-when family members want to come back, if there is no reason against it, welcome them back.  It teaches your children a valuable lesson about forgiveness.

   And quickly, when dealing with the family issues of divorce and remarriage, be gentle and kind when explaining them to your children.

But the focus of this is teens.  By modeling the above to them in their younger years, you have a solid basis set up.  They understand that family, including extended family is important.  But don't be surprised if they have no interest in family and family events.  They may flatly refuse to attend extended family events, claiming that time with their friends is more important.  And for them at that time, maybe it is.  Think about it, unless they have developed friendship relationships with other extended family members (cousins), something like a family reunion is BORING.  Teen are not usually at a point where they can see the value in talking to older adults.  And family members in their age range may or may not be worth spending time with.

    An example of this is a family reunion I helped set up for my mom's family.  Within an hour of the party starting, all of the teens were in a cluster, getting to know each other.  My daughter had gotten to know a couple of them due to family vacations, so there was an open door.  But their overall report was that it was a boring day.

  Before I go on to the good news, I do need to remind you that sugar coating information about family members is probably not a good idea.  Telling them that Great Uncle Freddie is not a nice person so we stay away from him works when they're little.  But when they're teens, it's safer for them to know that Uncle Freddie was arrested for pedophilia.  For more minor stuff, be honest, help them to keep safe.

The good news is that your teen's opinions about family can change.  Or maybe not be a problem.  My children have always been close to their cousins from their father's family.  It helps that they see them on a regular basis.  One cousin is more like a sister to them.

  I find is fascinating that as adults my children have a solid relationship with a step cousin that they only saw on rare occasions when they were kids.  But that cousin now lives close to my daughter and a chance meeting via mutual friends reforged the link.  Another cousin, on my side could have been the same, but he's rather self focused and my kids wrote him off.  It altogether possible that the relationship with that cousin could change as well.  It's interesting to watch.

   But what about your older kids and extended family of your generation?  I am very happy to report that as adults my children are able to appreciate my adult cousins now, mostly.  Recently my daughter spent time with my cousins from New York.  All voluntary.  They had only met once before, but my daughter was an adult by then and was fascinated by the stories.  These cousins are great people and I'm glad my kids have had a chance to know them.

So the answer is, if you lay the proper foundation, the odds are that your children will survive their teen years and come to recognize the value of family.

Freque Factory - Senior Year

Freque Factory

Senior Year

   By the time we started our senior year of high school Monique had her driver's license.  She also had the primary use of an old Ford Falcon station wagon.  I had finished all the requirements, but my father was unwilling to stop being the only driver in the family.  No car was available for me either, and he wasn't willing to pay for my auto insurance (or the increase in the insurance of the family car) if I was able to get a car.  So I shrugged my shoulders, chalked it up to parental foolishness and got myself an official ID card instead.  Mostly I got around by walking, riding the bus, and rides from friends.

   Monique and I put a lot of miles on that old Ford Falcon.  Besides school and our homes, the most common places we drove to were Brian's house and where ever Freddie was living.  Usually Freddie's place was where we'd meet Brian.  Freddie moved around quite a bit, so it was always interesting.  One time he spent almost a year living in a place Vincent Price had previously lived in.

   It was at one of the homes that I finally met Freddie's older brother.  It was clear where all the family good looks had gone.  The guy was movie star-model-rock star handsome.  We nicknamed him "Too Cool," since clearly he knew he was.  Mostly he didn't acknowledge our presence.  I was offended at first.  Later on I was grateful.

   Too Cool may have been good to look at, but he was not a nice person.  When I first met him he was supplementing his money from dad by running a string of prostitutes.  I'm not making this stuff up.  His whores were high class and expensive, but he kept them submissive with drugs and violence.  His girlfriend was a high fashion model.  Together they would fly down to South America about once a month.  They would use the trip to smuggle cocaine out.  Surprisingly, they were never caught.  Too Cool developed a major cocaine habit.

   We usually drove out there to go dancing or to hear some music.  Susan would sometimes come out with us, since she was quasi dating Freddie by this point.  They were never serious about each other, but it was convenient.  Unfortunately, we often had to wait to go out while the guys took care of a drug deal.  Brian and Freddie had moved up to a higher class of drug dealing.

   Quite often Monique would get mad a Brian for the delay because it usually meant that we weren't going out.  So a trip clear out there for nothing.  We both learned to stay out of the way during the delays.  I didn't really want to know about their drug dealing and neither did Monique.  Sometimes Too Cool would be there as well.  Monique eventually became friends with Too Cool's girlfriend (eventually wife).  That friendship lasted many years.

   A pattern developed.  Monique and Brian would get into a fight and separate.  No more trips out to Hollywood for a while.  She'd start dating other guys.  Eventually Brian would come begging back, promising to stop using and selling drugs.  Sooner or later she would start going out with him again and the whole cycle would start all over again.

   We did have adventures in Hollywood besides being with Brian.  One time Monique tried out to be a contestant on a tv show called "The Dating Game."  She didn't get picked.  They asked me to compete as well, but I said no.

   Another time we went out to this Teen Expo in Hollywood.  Susan's dad had just visited and left her with over $200.  She paid our admission and we had a lot of fun.  Susan and Bette, of course, gravitated towards the rock musicians.

   Our friend Joanne had graduated from high school the year before.  She was attending the local community college.  She was still dating Jim sometimes.  He was working legit jobs sometimes, selling drugs sometimes, and still trying to commit suicide to hurt his family sometimes.

   That November Joanne's father died of a massive heart attack.  Totally unexpected.  Her family rapidly fell apart.  Her brother was already out of the area attending college.  I'm not sure how he financed it, but he eventually became a lawyer like his dad.  Joanne's mom retreated into some pretty deep depression.  When the dust settled, the family found out there really wasn't much money available.  So Joanne left school and started working.

   Some new people joined the group.  One of the most memorable was a guy we called the "Bad Penny."  He was such a slime ball.  No morals to speak of.  Betty dated him for a while, but even she dropped him.  Sometimes Bad Penny would vanish for a while.  We'd all breath a sigh of relief.  Probably in jail for drug charges or something.  Monique developed a superstition that if anyone mentioned his real name, Bad Penny would show up again.  It did seem to be true.  Even Freddie avoided Bad Penny, though he would use him if a deal was especially sleazy.

   It seemed like a lot of things were changing.  My parents were having another rough spot in their marriage.  The last time they didn't tell me about it until they had pretty much worked through it.  As long as it didn't effect me too much, I pretended not to notice, which was what they wanted me to do.

   It being senior year, that fall I visited local colleges and started filling out college applications.  My parents had always said that if I could get in, they would find a way to help me go to college.  I wasn't sure what I wanted to study (or be when I grew up), but there were some good local colleges that I would have enjoyed going to.  I said "would."  As I filling out applications one night that fall, my dad interrupted me, asking me what I was doing?

   In retrospect, it had to have been a very difficult conversation for him.  My dad sat down and carefully explained to me that they didn't have the money to send me to a 4 year college.  They could help me with a local community college, but even that I would have to mostly pay for myself.  I was devastated.  I still point to that conversation as the point in which my childhood ended.  I was emotionally wounded all over again when, a year later I found out that my father had been spending money on a mistress for the last 2 years or so.

  That was the first half of my senior year of high school.  It had already been pretty strange.  I had no idea how strange it was going to get.

Momma Sandy Says - Alternative Lifestyles, Part 2

Momma Sandy Says

Alternative Life Styles, Part Two

   I want to start off by stating that I do not know everything there is to know about alternative lifestyles.  I really don't.  And this is not the place to talk about all the details.  My concern is how these lifestyles affect any children attached to the adults involved with these lifestyles.  Today's blog concerns some of the more problematic lifestyle issues:  BDSM and Fetishism.

  A bit of explanation.  What I call BDSM are the practices that involve Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, and Masochism.  They have involved into quite a big thing.  The practices may not be sexual in nature.  But for many, there is a strong sexual element involved.

   I also want to make it clear that there is a broad spectrum of people involved in these practices.  They can range from the couple that will role play the prisoner/warden sexual scenario to a couple that lives a lifestyle that includes a basement that resembles a torture chamber.

   When it is two consenting adults, there is usually no problem, as long as the rules of the practices are obeyed and no one is hurt (that doesn't want to be).  HOWEVER, if there are children in the house, things change.

   A practical note, if any couple with children want to have sex, especially if it's "kinkier" sex, they should have a lock on their bedroom door.  Children do not need to have full access to you all the time.  It is ok for you (and especially both of you) to have "you" time.  Your children can be trained to knock on your locked door.  

   As a parent, if you are involved in the milder BDSM stuff as a fun varient in your sexual life, do so, BUT, only behind your locked doors.  Role play cannot happen around the house if kids are home.  Anything used in bondage play MUST be put away.  Kids will find stuff.  And they will tell their friends, or worse, a teacher.  You really do not want the phone call asking why you have handcuffs or whips where your child could find them.

   There are people who live the Dominant/Submissive roles as a lifestyle.  The Sub proudly wearing the master's collar is a big clue.  When there are no children involved-no problem.  However, if there are children involved, a D/S couple really need to think about how they are going to deal with this.

   Here's the thing.  It doesn't matter how much the D/S lifestyle is necessary to you.  If there are children present, the outside world (and child protective services) is going to view your lifestyle as one of victim and bully/abuser.  It will not be seen as appropriate for you to be exposing the child in your home to this training.  And it is a reasonable assumption for outsiders to make.  Too often, that kind of behavior in the home leads to spousal, and often, child abuse.  And maybe even murder.

  So, if you are a D/S couple, work it out.  Save the heavy behavior for the locked bedroom (and put away the evidence) or the Club.  Let me make this simple.  If there are children in the home, the BDSM stuff has to go visibly away.  No dungeon with chains, handcuffs & whips in the basement.  The kids will somehow get in there.  And they will want to play in there with their friends.  That's not a conversation you want to have with Social Services.

  As important as this lifestyle may be to you, put it on hold until the children are nearly adults.  Take vacation time where you can indulge in this.  But leave the kids out of it.  The D/S couples with children that I know that are doing this are raising broadminded children.  You can do the same.  And if you can't put your lifestyle on hold-if you really, really need your sub to parade in collar and leather all around the house, then don't have children.  It's that simple.

   I'm including fetishism in this listing because specific fetishes can be part of a lifestyle.  The fact is, anything sexual that can be imagined has been done, and there is probably porn of it on the internet.  Fetishes can be mild, or they can be complicated.  Or even illegal.  Many fetishes are sexual in nature.  Some aren't.  Or, some might not be, depending on the individual.

   So what constitutes a fetish?  Can be almost anything.  A person wearing the underwear of the other gender on a regular basis to feel better about themselves.  A person who cannot perform sexually unless they are wearing a clown nose.  People involved in Pony Play (yes, it's a real thing).  Furries.  Bronies.  People who have sex with animals.

   I will state that as far as I know, Pony Play tends to be sexually charged.  Furries (people who dress in full costumes of other creatures) may or may not be sexual.  It may just be how they want the world to see them, or how they are most comfortable.  Bronies are men who dress up as characters in My Little Ponies.  I kid you not.  I was at DragonCon and happened to be at a location where a Bronnie Meet up was getting out.  They aren't necessarily sexual, but there is a strong homo-erotic element.  Sex with animals is usually illegal.  And just a bad idea.

   All of the above are real and I know people who do that stuff.  Except for the clown nose.  That's just funny to me.

   But let's get back to this stuff and children.  My advice here is pretty much the same as with the BDSM stuff.  Locked bedroom, not around the kids, don't leave the stuff around for the children to find.  Go to BondageCom for the Pony Play.  Or get a babysitter and go to someone else's house to do it.    Any sort of dressing up with any sexual connection should not be happening around children.  And the animal stuff-just no!!!

   Are we clear?  The kinkier stuff should not be around children.  They don't have the capacity to understand the differences.  And the practices are often just not understood or allowed.  If you have children, don't be stupid!

Getting off my soap box now.