Mamma Sandy Says - Family and Teens

Mamma Sandy Says

Family and Teens

     Teenagers tend to be pack creatures.  For those teen years, their friends are often more important than their families.  How do you teach your children the value of family?

  I may be sounding a bit like a broken record.  You have to start instilling those values early.  A child who understands the value of family will usually come back to it once the teen years are over.  At the center of their universe is themselves.  The first circle out is the immediate family.  A larger circle is the extended family.  Friends are like a separate circle that overlaps.  Acquaintances are an even larger circle.

   But let's talk about how to teach your younger children about family.  Not immediate family.  You should be modeling that already.  But what about the extended family-grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins?  

   Let's use my own family as an example.  My mother was the youngest of 7 kids.  All married, so I'm one of 15 cousins.  Two of mom's siblings stayed in New York (along with the5 kids), but that's still a lot of relatives I grew up knowing.

   How did my parents do it?  First, they took part in family events when I was young.  Twice a year most of mom's family got together-camping for a week during the summer, and for a few days at Christmas.  My aunt, who lived in the town next to us had 6 kids.  She was willing to babysit me for a weekend, or even just overnight when my parents needed some alone time.  Because I was over there several times a year, I was like one of family.  Seeing the rest of my cousins twice a year was usually enough to keep us connected.  I was one of the younger cousins, so I really admired my older cousins.

   Another thing my  parents did was to tell me stories about the family.  That, combined with photos we would look at kept my mom's family alive for me.  I didn't know my Aunt Marion or Uncle Everett, but stories and Christmas card photos made them "family I haven't met yet."

  My parents also modeled appropriate behavior with the extended family.  My Uncle Murray was a selfish, rather self-important man, but my parents always treated him with respect.  Even I knew at a young age that my Uncle could be an ass, but my parents always spoke to him politely.  Why?  Because they were showing him the respect he was due as my Aunt's husband.

   This modeling came in handy after my parents divorced and he married "the other woman."  My father clearly was not thinking straight those years.  His second wife was a horrible woman.  Yet, following my training, I always showed that woman all the courtesy she was due as my father's wife.  And I taught my kids to do the same.  They knew that this "grandma" was not a nice person, yet I insisted they treat her politely.  He did finally divorce her, by the way.   Fast forward several years.  I'm now divorced and my ex now has a second wife.  The woman has her issues.  I could have treated the woman horribly and caused all sorts of problems.  But I have always done my best to treat her with the respect she deserves as the wife of my ex, and my children's stepmother.  And I have insisted that my children treat her with the respect due the wife of their father.  I'm hoping they pass on this respect to any children they might have.

   It is a fact that not all families are perfect and some families may have people in them that are problematic.  The problems can range from the minor to the major (like criminals and pedophiles).  Of course you will need to keep your children away from family members who might hurt them.  If Great Uncle Freddie is known to be a pedophile (though it's a family secret), they you have the responsibility to make sure that your children are never anyplace where Freddie might be.  I know of a couple who cut off contact with a part of one family for just that reason.  Set appropriate boundaries.

   But with all the problem family members you as parents will need to explain to your children why you don't spend time with that family member (s).  Keep the explanations simple and in an age/intelligence appropriate way.  My mom's family tended to solve problems with family members by shunning them.  No one spoke to mom's brother Ralph for several years.  In his grief over the loss of his second wife he made several decisions that affected the rest of the family in negative ways.  I know I had never seen my mom so angry before.  My parents explained to me that we were going to leave Uncle Ralph alone for a while so he could not be so sad and was able to make better decisions again.  Considering how mad he had made my mom, that was a good idea, I reasoned.  And it did work.

   Sometimes family members will choose to opt out of your family. It might be for some good reasons.  Maybe they just need some time away  This is especially true if they are having issues with a particular family member.  But sometimes the reasons are not so good.  A family member might stay away due to illness (physical and/or mental), financial reversals, arrest and/or conviction of a crime, or even abuse.  We always suspected a form of abuse in the case of my Uncle Everett.

   My Uncle Everett was a lot like Grandpa Connor-easy going, but with an Irish temper.  Everett came back from WWII and married the little sister of his best friend.  Unfortunately my Aunt Jo was raised to believe herself a princess.  Her family was everything to her and Everett's was nothing.  Jo would go as far as to cancel planned outings with our family members who were visiting.  Although Everett missed his family, his contact with us was cut to almost nothing over the years-barely a Christmas card.

   The good news is that with the eventual death of Jo, Everett was able to move out to CA, where his children and the rest of us already were.  He was welcomed back into the family with open arms and spent the rest of his life enjoying all of us.  Which bring up the point-when family members want to come back, if there is no reason against it, welcome them back.  It teaches your children a valuable lesson about forgiveness.

   And quickly, when dealing with the family issues of divorce and remarriage, be gentle and kind when explaining them to your children.

But the focus of this is teens.  By modeling the above to them in their younger years, you have a solid basis set up.  They understand that family, including extended family is important.  But don't be surprised if they have no interest in family and family events.  They may flatly refuse to attend extended family events, claiming that time with their friends is more important.  And for them at that time, maybe it is.  Think about it, unless they have developed friendship relationships with other extended family members (cousins), something like a family reunion is BORING.  Teen are not usually at a point where they can see the value in talking to older adults.  And family members in their age range may or may not be worth spending time with.

    An example of this is a family reunion I helped set up for my mom's family.  Within an hour of the party starting, all of the teens were in a cluster, getting to know each other.  My daughter had gotten to know a couple of them due to family vacations, so there was an open door.  But their overall report was that it was a boring day.

  Before I go on to the good news, I do need to remind you that sugar coating information about family members is probably not a good idea.  Telling them that Great Uncle Freddie is not a nice person so we stay away from him works when they're little.  But when they're teens, it's safer for them to know that Uncle Freddie was arrested for pedophilia.  For more minor stuff, be honest, help them to keep safe.

The good news is that your teen's opinions about family can change.  Or maybe not be a problem.  My children have always been close to their cousins from their father's family.  It helps that they see them on a regular basis.  One cousin is more like a sister to them.

  I find is fascinating that as adults my children have a solid relationship with a step cousin that they only saw on rare occasions when they were kids.  But that cousin now lives close to my daughter and a chance meeting via mutual friends reforged the link.  Another cousin, on my side could have been the same, but he's rather self focused and my kids wrote him off.  It altogether possible that the relationship with that cousin could change as well.  It's interesting to watch.

   But what about your older kids and extended family of your generation?  I am very happy to report that as adults my children are able to appreciate my adult cousins now, mostly.  Recently my daughter spent time with my cousins from New York.  All voluntary.  They had only met once before, but my daughter was an adult by then and was fascinated by the stories.  These cousins are great people and I'm glad my kids have had a chance to know them.

So the answer is, if you lay the proper foundation, the odds are that your children will survive their teen years and come to recognize the value of family.