Family Stories - Girl Scouting, Part 3

Family Stories

Girl Scouting, Part 3

     The summer after my freshman year of high school I said goodbye to Camp Cielo and my summer experiences as a camper.  Unlike prior years, I did not go back for a second session.  Instead, I had signed on for a bus trip.  It sounded like a fun idea.  I'd be gone about a week.  The group of us scouts were going to go up to the Big Sur area in a bus.  We'd camp up there and go on day trips, including a visit to San Simeon, the place Randolph Hearst built.

   And is was a fun trip in many ways.  Amazing adventures.  But it was hard in several ways.  The hardest was that I didn't know anyone else on the trip.  I had met some of the group at a planning meeting, but nothing had stuck.  Not wanting to be alone, I edged my way into an existing group.  They turned out to be quite a remarkable collection of young ladies.  We stayed friends and got together when we could for several years, despite the fact that we lived in several different cities.  The entire Big Sur area was beautiful.  I am grateful that I had a chance to camp there.

   San Simeon was remarkable.  Years later when Patty Heast was in the news I thought about her childhood having vacations at the Villas. It seemed unreal to me.

   Back to the real world I had to deal with my new Scout troop.  I had gone along with my friends and joined a Mariner Scout troop led by Mrs. B3.  At that time, senior Girl Scouts could choose a generalized troop, or a specialty troop based in specific interests.  I had some friends in troops focusing on outdoor skills.  There were also troops for girls interested in airplane flying, arts, etc.  My new troop was focused on boating skills.  One of the first things I found out was that I was one of the few girls in the group that actually knew anything about boats, or navigation, or how to sail, etc.

   The leader of the troop, despite the pretense that the girls ran the program, was Mrs. B#3.  This woman was remarkable.  She was on our town's School Board.  Also important to our local Scout Council.  She was a person of note in our community, used to getting her own way.  And a closet alcoholic.  She was the kind that would be drinking by herself at home in the afternoon.  Her 3 children knew to leave her home when they got home from school.  Mrs. B#3 would be sober enough by the time her husband got home.  According to her children, she tended to be a mean drunk.

   Mrs. B3 took one look at Monique and decided that she had to go.  Monique and Mrs B3's son (same grade as us) had become friends.  Mrs. B3 considered Monique to be "trailer trash" and so was unworthy to be around with him.  Monique's mom had some strong words with Mrs. B3 and things settled down.  Apparently Monique's mom knew too much about Mrs. B3 and was quite willing to tell folks if Mrs. B3 didn't behave.  It was clear that Mrs. B3 thought Monique was a BAD INFLUENCE, but otherwise left her alone.  Mrs. B3 didn't like me either, but we both knew she needed my knowledge of boats and such.

   It somehow wasn't a surprise to me that my new troop was only a year old when we joined.  Mrs. B3 had a daughter the grade above us, who was, coincidentally, president of the troop that year.  And her daughter's friends.  Then she had the 5 of us the year below.  We picked up some others along the way.  The following year the plan was to add the 2nd half of our prior troop, including Mrs. B2's younger daughter.  And the year after that, Mrs. B3's younger daughter.  She had a plan.

   The real selling point to my friends was the fact that the troop planned to go to Hawaii for 3 weeks at the end of our sophomore year of high school.  Us 5 were really just along for the ride.  All the planning had already been done by the older girls.  We got to help with the fundraisers.  And there were a lot of fundraisers.  The choice was simple-they trip budget was pretty much set.  The leaders knew how much it was going to cost each girl.  So it was either help with the fundraisers, or pay the full amount of money.  We all fundraised.  Probably the biggest was the monthly newspaper drive.  Each girls was supposed to bring in 25 feet (!) of newspapers monthly.  Anything extra would be applied to the girls individual costs.  I put out the word to almost everyone I knew and usually brought twice that each month.  My parents ended up not having to pay very much.

   But I had been exposed to a larger world of Girl Scouting, so my troop was not the only place I spent time with Scouts.  I was volunteered to be our troops Representative to the group that was planning the annual Mariner Girl Scout competition.  It was call "Gam."  I don't remember why.  The quickly elected head of the group was a remarkable young woman who ended up calling herself Shane.  Shane was the vice-President of a well respected Mariner group in the town just north of mine.  It was the troop I had been considering when my friends convinced me to join Mrs. B3's group.  Shane was efficient and caring.  She was one of the most natural leaders I had met.  In the next few years I was to get to know her and several of her friends well.

   As part of the program we were required to take part in several career/volunteer work things a year.  I chose to be a Public Relations Aid.  It meant I spent several months learning about public relations work from a woman who ran the local throw away newspaper.  I actually learned a lot.

   The other thing I did was to take Basic Survival Training.  I have no idea how our Council managed it, but for several years, a group of Girl Scouts were allowed to take the Civil Air Patrol's Basic Survival class.  It took place over 2 weekends.  The first weekend we spent probably 20 + hours trying to cram everything the instructors (mostly women) could teach us about how to survive a plane crash (which was what the class was really about.

   The second weekend we met at the crack of dawn up in the mountains.  Each girl (there were 16 of us) was allowed to bring a sleeping bag.  We could wear a knife, and we could fill a band aide box full of whatever we thought was useful. 

   After splitting us up into two groups, and giving us 16 small squares with our number on it, we were taken, one group at a time into a camping area in a jeep.  The jeep would suddenly stop and that was our clue to act as if our plane had just crashed.  Those of us who ran away properly were fine.  Those who had forgotten what the instructors had taught, lost numbered squares.

   After surviving the plane crash, each group had to devise a shelter based on the "plane parts" that we "found."  We also set traps (which fortunately did not catch anything).  And build fires.  They gave us parachute material, which is lovely stuff.  The 8 of us huddled together that night and did manage to sleep.

   Dinner that night showed up in a metal cage-3 live rabbits.  Our instructors showed us how to kill , skin and clean them.  Of course, they gave our rabbit to one of the most squeamish girls.  She was unable to kill our rabbit, so we had to.  Not a happy thing.  After that it was easy.  I learned that, if I'm hungry enough, I don't care if it's an adorable animal.  It's food!  I passed the class and kept some of the rabbit fur for many years.  The squeamish girl and her best friend didn't.  Several of the girls I met there I was to spend time with at various Council events for the next several years.

  There was also a Council wide event for Senior girls that I attended for many years.  That year it was out in the Malibu hills, near where the tv show MASH was filmed.  Every year it had a different theme.  I always really enjoyed that particular event.  It was also at that event that I discovered something about Scouting that I hadn't known or run into before.

  It seems strange to talk about it now, but back then there were a couple of senior troops that seemed to be a haven for lesbians.  I certainly didn't care.  They tended to stick to themselves.  But the really odd thing is that I knew one of the leaders.  She was the younger sister of one of my dad's long time friends.  It was no secret the woman was a lesbian.  My dad's friend had talked about how her sexuality made her as much of a pariah to their parents as his drinking and lifestyle had.  I had to wrap my head around the fact that this competent woman was a lesbian scout leader with lesbian scouts under her.  I finally decided that none of it mattered.  I don't think I ever did tell my parents.

   The biggest thing that spring was applying to be a Counselor-in-Training, level I at Camp Singing Pines, the only camp in our Council then offering that training.  Just filling in and turning in the application was scary enough.  The actual interview process was terrifying.  I remember waiting my turn, nervously talking to all these new friends of mine.  Mandy from Camp Cielo was there too.  She was more nervous than I was!  I thought nothing would faze her.

   The news was good.  I had been accepted to be a CIT I at Camp Singing Pines.  I would be there for the first two sessions of the summer.  Scary, but exciting.  I was on my way to my goal of returning to Cielo as a counselor!

Mamma Sandy Says - Dealing With Older Children

Mamma Sandy Says

Dealing With Older Children

   Yes, I'm talking about older as in pre teens and teens.  That amazing age when they're not adults yet, but they are no longer children either.  It's a very up and down time.  One minute they're pretty mature about something, and 5 minutes later you think they're 5 years old.  If you think it's frustrating for you-think about what it must be for them!

  As parents, we have to adjust to this up and down stuff.  Realize it now, you just can't win.  This is the time in their lives when they will think you are complete idiots.  Yet probably most need your wisdom.  Confused yet?  Welcome to their teen years!

   There's a real confused nature to the teen years.  On one side, they want to be treated more as an adult.  On the other, they seem to still want the freedom from responsibility they had as a child.  Don't we all?

   I noted that my kids wanted freedom to do more without adult supervision.  That was a bit of a red flag to me.  What trouble were they planning on getting into?  As a parent you have to really show wisdom here-even if you don't normally have it.  Who do your kids normally hang out with?  Are they trustworthy?  If you don't know, you should.  Is this a new set of friends (Big red flag here!)?  You can give your kids more freedom, but there must be appropriate limits.  And stick to those limits!  Curfew rules are a big thing.  There should be penalties if they're late.  If there's going to be a problem getting home on time, they should be responsible enough to call you early to let you know.  And it had better be a good explanation!

   The other side of the coin of more freedom is more responsibility.  That needs to be explained early and often.  Remind them that you are training them to be successful adults.  More responsibility will include helping shoulder more of the family chores.

   As a parent, you have to change how you approach things too.  Instead of just giving your teen more things to do, make time for a discussion with all the adults and teens in the house.  Have a list of the chores related to helping the household run with everyone's current responsibilities listed.  The parents, especially mom, are going to have long lists.  What are your teens willing to help out with now?  Explain the concept of a contract.  And make one with them.  With rewards and penalties.

   The teen years are when you get to have certain discussions on a much more adult level.  Here's a few:

1.  Their role with younger family members (can also be cousins, neighbors, etc.).  They are now looked up to as a role model.  How are they doing with that?

2.  Volunteer work.  Some schools require it.  They may have been doing some already through school, church, or scouting.  But now they can think about what kind they want to do-maybe even as a trial to see if that's something they might want to do as an adult.

3.  Gender roles.  They should have already learned that in a modern, American home, a woman's place is not just in the home.  Expressing that in front of women they want to date is not a good idea.  Men are not limited to what they can or should be doing either.

4.  Sex and sexuality.  I'll talk more about this in a later post, but briefly, your teen should understand that while sex may be fun, it can also cause babies and really awful diseases.  And it can happen to them.  A discussion about same sex relationships, etc. needs to happen as well.  Ignorant teens are often teens at risk.

5.  What do they want to be when they grow up?  It was a game when they were kids, now not so much.  Suddenly it's much more real.  What do they want to do?  Who do they want to be?  Where do they want to be?

6.  Do they want to go to college?  Where?  Amongst many families, that's not even a question.  But why?  Will college get you to the career you want?  If so, which college would be best?  And how will it get paid for?  Parental wisdom will be helpful here, but it needs to be their choices.  And it may take a while.

7.  What about those first jobs?  The first time they have to apply for a job?  What to do with the little amount of money they get?

8.  Banking.  Teen years is a good time to get a first savings account.  As they start working a real job, time for a first checking account.  And all the learning how to use them.

9.  I recommend not giving a Smart Phone to a kid until they are at least middle school age and have shown some levels of maturity.  They need to understand that the Smart Phone level of technology requires new rules.  These rules are to protect them from being foolish.

   Your role as a parent of a pre teen or a teen is a constantly changing one.  These are quite volatile years for all of you.  Your sweet daughter is now a hurricane of emotions.  Your son now reminds you of yourself (or your brother) at that age.  Scary stuff.  There can (and probably will) be yelling and door banging.  Keep your emotions in check.  Train them that temper tantrums as a teen are no more effective than they were at 3.
   Somehow you will make the transition with them.  If you are wise, you will always be their parent.  But as time goes on, you can also become a trusted adviser and even a friend.  The trick is figuring out when to let them run on their own.

Family Stories - Girl Scouting, Part 2

Family Stories

Girl Scouting, Part 2

      First, I want to make a correction.  The first time I attended Camp Drake was in 1964, just after finishing 5th grade.

   In 1965 I made it back, as I had promised myself.  I knew I wouldn't be in the youngest girl unit.  I expected to be placed in one of the 3 middle girl units, nearest the camp kitchen.  To my surprise I had been jumped clear to the oldest girl unit, then named Shuck (all the units had names from Boy Scout history).  There were 3 other girls my age up with me.  I absolutely loved it!

   Physically, our unit was the furthest from the main camp.  But we were closest to the main campfire area and the horses.  Our camp was a semi circle of A frames at the top of a long sloping hill.  At the bottom (about a mile and a half away) we could see the lake I had gone rowing on the last year.  It was beautiful in so many ways!

   I may have been one of the youngest girls in my unit, but I was determined to be worthy of the honor.  I paid attention to the older girls and made friends with them.  They were generally good role models and some of them I remained friends with for many years.

   My 6th grade year had been very difficult academically (3 different teachers!  I should write that story one of these days), so it was with great joy that I got on the bus for Camp Drake, now renamed Camp Cielo.  Something about the Boy Scouts wanting to make it easier to rent.  All the units had new names too.  I went back up the hill to my unit, now renamed Dry Gulch.  The person who named it clearly had spent some time up there.  Even though it was beautiful (especially in the morning and at night), it was dry.  No stream ran through our camp.  Lots of dust, though we did have quite a few oak trees.  And it did get hot up there...

   By this time I had established myself up there.  I had confidence in who I was.  Not every day was wonderful, but most were.  Why?  Well, start with the singing.  We sang, a lot.  We sang grace before every meal.  We sang for fun after meals until everyone was ready to be dismissed.  We sang at campfire.  We sang while hiking.  And best of all, in Dry Gulch we had older girls who could play guitar, so we sang every night.  What did we sing?  A real mix of fun and silly songs, Girl Scout songs, a few protest songs, and a lot of folk songs.

   A typical day would include time at the pool, either in lessons or in free swim.  I think this was the year I signed up for water ballet.  That's hard work!  I really appreciate synchronized swimmers now.  We had crafts most days.  Sometimes we had folk dancing.  I still miss being able to do that.  Horseback riding.  For those who signed up for it, drama classes.  Always something to do.  Always  people I liked to hang around with.  The food was good too!

   It was during the first session that I found out that several of the older girls were coming back for the fourth (last) session as well.  You could do that?  As soon as I got home I bugged my parents about it.  They talked to Council.  Yes, there were still some vacancies for the last session.  We cut a deal.  If I could earn half the money be a certain date, they would pay the rest.  I hustled and hustled and managed to earn the money.  With great joy I was off again!

   I found the last session to be very different from the first session.  Instead of beginnings, it was endings.  The staff was getting ready to leave too.  For them it was bitter sweet.  Most of them were college students from different places.  It occurred to me that someday I could be one of them.  It seemed a good goal.

   Somewhere in my 7th grade year my Girl Scout troop fell apart.  The woman who had been our leader was moving, and no one else wanted the job.  And it was 7th grade.  Statistically that is about the time that many girls get involved in other things and don't have time or interest in scouting.  I refused to accept the possibility that my time in scouting was over!  My mom had a simple solution, "If you want to continue in scouting, call Council and see if there's a troop locally you can join."

   For me, that was a big step.  But returning to Camp Cielo and all it symbolized was at stake.  Apparently my troop wasn't the only one in my grade that was folding.  Council was helping put together a new troop for us.  I think we met once or twice towards the end of my 7th grade year, but that was enough to qualify me for camp.

   My new troop was comprised of 5 girls from 4 different girls.  We would meet at Monique's home for our 8th grade year and would merge with a troop of girls a year younger the next.  Monique's mom was officially the assistant leader, so she was Mrs. B #2.  Our official leader was Mrs. B #1. 

   I should explain about our leaders.  Mrs. B #1 had 2 daughters.  The younger one was in the grade below me.  The older daughter was going to bridge into a Senior Scout troop led by a woman knows as Mrs. B #3.  I'll explain more about her, probably next week.  Once the older daughter joined the senior troop Mrs. B#2 planned to become the assistant leader of Mrs. B#3.  The plan was for all of us to join Mrs. B#3's troop once we were old enough.

   I did go to Camp Cielo that year.  My unit had been renamed the more encouraging, Gypsy Hill.  Somehow that did suit us better.  We had a new group of oldest girls.  Crocket and Jan had aged out.  I was to re-meet them in a few years. Joyce confided to me that her goal was to become a CIT the nex summer-a Counselor-in-Training.  Our Council had a program for that at Camp Singing Pines.

   The 5 of us had a good year.  We formed friendships that lasted us many years.  Monique and I eventually became best friends, but that's another whole long bunch of stories.  That spring we joined the younger girls for a camp out at a Council owned place up in the mountains.  It was a rainy spring and the creek was higher than normal.  We were able to get across though.  During that night though, it rained more up river.  We had to leave earlier than planned since the creek was rising, fast.  We got back across, but we all got wet.  A little later in the day and we might have had to be rescued!

   Our Council had merged with two other Councils and had a big ceremony at the Rose Bowl to celebrate it.  Monique and I were chosen to take part.  I'm one of the "lucky" ones holding one of the flags of the nations.  I have no idea which nation's flag I was holding.  No one told me and I didn't recognize it.  All I knew was that it was hot and the flag was heavy.  Debbie Reynolds was one of the VIP's.  She was a Scout leader for her daughter.  Nice lady.  I'm sorry to report that Sherrie Lewis, the creator of Lamb Chop, not such a nice person. I never watched anything with her in it again.

   The Rose Bowl event was only one of the Council and area wide events that I was now going to.  I was moving into a larger universe. Sometimes I would meet friends from camp. I was in 9th grade now, high school.  It was strange.  It was like I had a secret identity.  One day a week, instead of walking home I would meet up with Monique and the others and walk down to the local Scout House where we had our merged troop meetings.

   In 1968 I had my last session up at Camp Cielo.  I was entering 10th grade.  I had already bridged into Senior Scouting.  The assumption was that I would go into Mrs. B#3's Mariner Scout Troop.  And contrary like I am, I didn't want to.  I wanted to find out what my options were.  But the other 4 were sold on that troop, and I didn't want to break up our friendship, so I went along.

   At camp, it was my turn to be one of the oldest girls.  Mandy, who I had known for several years now was like me.  She had found a Senior troop and was going to go for CIT as well.  We both wanted to return to Cielo as counselors.  Joyce had made it into CIT at Singing Pines and had written, saying she was enjoying it.  My relationship with the counselors had changed.  Since we were so much closer in age, we were more like friends.  It was very encouraging.

  I'm pretty sure I cried on the bus ride home.  My life as a camper at camp was over, but my adventures in Girl Scouting were just beginning to get interesting.

 

Mamma Sandy Says - Birthdays and Your Kids

Mamma Sandy Says

Birthdays and Your Kids

   It's your child's birthday!  What would make this a memorable day for them?  What are your family traditions concerning birthdays?    There are a lot of options of things you can do for them.    Parties, visit to a theme park, special events, all are possible.  

   A lot of things to think about when you're planning.  The time of year, your budget, which birthday it is, all are part of the planning process.  When I was a kid I was usually given a choice, a birthday party or or a special event.  Since my birthday is in August and it was hard to get school friends to come to a party, I usually chose going to Disneyland.

   A simple party is one of the easiest things.  The birthday person, some friends, some decorations, some food and punch, plus some games.  But a modern birthday somehow doesn't stay simple.  The age of your child has a lot to do with what goes on.  Is it going to be a party for just family, just friends, or a mix of family and friends?  When your child gets older, two separate events might work better.  

   Themed parties seem to work well.  Especially if it works with the budget.  But the most important thing is what your child wants.  If their desires are too expensive, help them to understand the budget.  Watch the expenses.  Save the bounce house for a milestone birthdays.

   Taking the birthday child to a theme park can be expensive.  It may be too expensive to take the whole family.  But a parent or two plus the birthday child and a friend?  That's a special time.

   Theme parks aren't the only special event option.  If your child's wishes are specific, then work with that theme.  Some ideas:  New movie plus themed party with child's friends.  Horseback riding plus picnic (this one worked really well for my daughter's birthday).  Beach/pool/river/lake  trip with food and friends.  Baseball/football/soccer/hockey game  with a few friends.  Possibly even a trip to a Civil War event or a Renaissance faire.  As your children get older the options grow.

Here are some things to think about:

   Try to be aware of special needs of your child(ren) and their guests.  Do any of them need a special diet?  Any allergies (especially peanut allergies).  My daughter discovered an allergy to bell peppers late in her teens.  A serious throw-up-for-several-days type of allergy.  Allergies like that you as host really need to know about.  Do they have any other special needs?  Plan for it!

   Be flexible about your plans.  Anything outdoors can be affected by weather.  Plan for it!

   Going to be on vacation or out of town while your child has a birthday?  Again, the magic words - Plan for it!  Pack some presents and some decorations in a suitcase where they won't be easily found.  Make the child's day special!

   Twins, or children with the same birthday?  You can celebrate together for a while.  I'm going to recommend one cake per child-even if they are small.  Each child needs to feel special.  And while I'm here, putting children's birthday events together because the dates are close only work if they're too young to notice, they agree ahead of time that it's ok, or they're adults.  Sharing a birthday, as a kid is not particularly fun.  If you're a twin (or triplet) you don't have much choice.  But be warned, that once multiple birth kids get older they will probably want different ways to to celebrate their birthdays.

   Have a child with a birthday near Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Years?  This is really important-don't let the holiday celebrations interfere with their birthday!  Make it really, really clear that their birthday is separate from the holidays!  

   Some people I know in this category celebrate their half birthday during the summer instead.  In my family, I have a child with a November 30th birthday.  Right after Thanksgiving, in the heart of the early Christmas stuff.  I think he'd change it if he could.  What we decided to do was to postpone all Christmas decorating in our house (and I love to decorate for Christmas!) until Dec. 1st.  We celebrate his birthday, then Christmas explodes in my house.  It's my way of letting him know that I view him and his birth as being more important than the celebration of Christmas.  Work out what is best for you.

   Another problem with holiday birthdays is that people tend to only give the child one gift.  Not cool!  My dad even had to deal with that and his birthday was Jan. 14th!  It may not be possible to train family (though you can try), but at least you can lead by example.  Even if your child has her birthday on Christmas, she gets a birthday and a Christmas present.  The exception to this rule usually applies when the child is older-some bigger presents need to be Christmas/birthday.  But that needs to be understood ahead of time.  And a small, second present should also happen.

   Although it's not common, sometimes birthdays happen during times of stress and grieving.  Really young children may not really understand what is going on.  The total lack of birthday can give a wrong signal.  If it's possible, help your child to have a happy birthday, possibly in a more low key manner.

   And finally, don't forget the cake!  And it needs to be a cake they like. Ask the birthday kid.  And remember.  I know someone who asked for a green cake with purple frosting.  And got it.  He asked for that particular combination because he knew that it was off-putting enough to keep his siblings from eating all of it.  And if you can't get a cake, get a fancy cupcake for the birthday person.  The rest of the family can eat cookies!  And don't forget the milk.

   Happy Birthdays!

Family Stories - Girl Scouting, Part I

Family Stories

Girl Scouting, Part 1

   Lots of children get involved with various groups.  Especially in this modern age, there are groups available for every interest group.  It wasn't that way when I was a kid.  The world was simpler then, in many ways.

   I grew up before the American Title IX ruling about equality in sports.  That meant there weren't really a lot of sports options available for young women after school.  My school had an "after school sports" program two days a week, and games on Saturday.  Although I took part, I didn't have any skill, so I wasn't encouraged.  There was no Little League or football for girls.

   I took part in what was called "release time religion."  It was a program where, if parents wanted, their kids could attend a class on the religion of their choice for an hour a week.  The choices were Protestant or Catholic.  Since I was raised Roman Catholic, I joined the other Catholic kids in my grade every week.  I think there was like 6 of us.

   Which left scouting.  I appreciate Boy Scouting.  I was a cub scout leader for my son.  But it is frankly too militaristic for my tastes.  But then, the original intent of the organization was to train young men to be ready to be soldiers.  Check the literature if you don't believe me.

    Luckily, Girl Scouting wasn't that way.  It couldn't be.  Instead, Girl Scouting was an organization that encouraged girls to become more than society expected them to be.  It's always been that way.  We've always pushed boundaries when young women wanted to do so.  In the days of the founders, it was the idea that women didn't go camping and do other masculine activities.  Women learned to camp.  But also how to cook and sew.  And to explore job opportunities beyond that of wife and mother.  I didn't know it when I started, but Girl Scouting was just what I needed.

   I started scouting in the second grade, as a Brownie Scout.  All of the girls were my classmates, in the same grade.  One of the mom's was out leader.  We met at out school, one day a week, after school was out.  We all happily learned the mysteries of our new organization, the songs, the stories and forced our fingers to make the Brownie salute.  The culmination of this was a few weeks later, when in front of our families, in our new brown uniforms we made our Brownie Promise for the first time officially.  It was a proud moment, made even better by the unexpected appearance of my older brother, Doug, home on leave from the Marine Corps.  He wore his uniform and everything.  My social status rose, temporarily.

   The two Brownie years were pretty simple.  We sang, made crafts, had snack, learned stuff, and generally had a good time.  I think we even went to a Brownie Play Day at the local Scout House.

   At the end of 3rd grade we "Flew" up to Junior level scouting.  This was our first experience being "real" Girl Scouts.  Green uniforms and everything.  Our troop was still comprised of the same girls and the same leader.  Since our leader wasn't into much outdoorsy stuff,  we tended towards more of the social skills.  I remember us taking a class together about fashion and stuff.  I didn't care and it didn't stick.  But some of the girls loved that stuff.

   I think that was when I attended the local council's day camp.  For me it was a horrid experience.  The site was up in our local mountains, so we took a bus every day from Council headquarters.  That part was ok.  The problem was that the camp site was down a very steep road from where the bus dropped us off.  Asthma was still a problem for me, especially exercised induced asthma.  And at the end of that hill up the first day I knew it was going to be an ongoing problem.  That hill was so hard for me it haunted the days.  Would that be the day I wouldn't be able to make it up that hill?  I somehow did finish the week, but I promised myself, never again!

   The following year my parents signed me up for a 10 day Girl Scout resident camp.  I still don't know why, but I'm eternally grateful.  I was dreadfully homesick (like most of the first year campers), but once I got over that I realized that I had found my way into something pretty wonderful.

   Out here in CA we don't have a lot of the month or summer long camps like you see in movies.  Most Scout or church camps are only a week or two.  But like the movie camps, it's a separate reality from home.  You can form friendships with people you only know at camp, and you can see them every year.  The people there take you as you are, they don't care about your social status outside of camp.

   Let's see if I can explain this properly.  I lived for 10 days up in the mountains in a unit of 26 girls with 4 counselors who lived with us.  Each unit had a small hut for the counselors (so they had some privacy).  The girls had wooden A-frames where we stored our stuff.  Since it was unlikely to rain, we slept outside of our A-frames on metal cots with mattress to put our sleeping bags on.  Two girls to an A-frame.  My partner that first year was a mess.  Not only was she major league homesick, she couldn't stand dirt, bugs, or really anything about the out of doors.  Others made friends with me, she was such a pain.

   We took out meals with the rest of camp up at the main dining hall.  All of the units took turns setting up and serving.  We could sit anywhere.  All the tables had a counselor at it.  The rush was always to sit with our friends with our favorite counselors.  Swimming at the camp poor almost every day.  Horseback riding at least twice.  Down to visit the horses too.  Those that wanted to (and who didn't) could work on the Junior or Cadette level horsemanship badges.  Camp wide campfires with an amazing view.  Deer at sunset often.  Crafts.  We also did our turn at the camp wide daily flag ceremonies.  We even did an overnight camp out at the lake that was 1 1/2 mile down the road.  And evening snacks, and counselors who understood homesickness.  What's not to like about that?

   My parents took advantage of my absence to schedule a mini vacation for themselves.  I would have been jealous, but I was having too much fun.  My parents were wise enough to send me a lot of mail.  In future years they would send me the daily comics.  Always popular with all of us!

   By the time camp was over and I was on the bus home I had decided several things.  The first was that I was going to come back the next year.  I had survived being in the "baby" unit, but next year I would be with the older girls!  I realized that I liked the girls I had gotten to know and  I hoped to see them again.  We were all in the same Girl Scout Council, so maybe, there would be some events outside of camp where we could be together again (there were).  And I think most importantly, I realized that my self esteem didn't need to be tied to my elementary school.  So many of those people had a warped idea of who I was.  I liked who I was at camp.  That needed to continue!

Family Stories - The 1971 Earthquake

Family Stories

The 1971 Earthquake

  Technically this isn't just a story from my past, but it all goes together.

   One Tuesday morning in February of 1971 my alarm clock didn't go off to wake me to get up to attend high school.  Instead I was awakened by a major earthquake.

  It was really my first earthquake.  I remember one minor quake maybe a year or more before.  I knew about them.  My parents were together when a good one hit Tahatchipi(sp) early in their marriage.  And my dad was young, but remembered the big Long Beach quake in the 30's.  So I knew a bit about earthquakes, but it was nothing like the real thing!

   As my world began to move I was aware of odd things.  It was an older apartment building, so it had mercury light switches.  Because of that, the lights in my room were going on and off (until we lost power).  My window curtains were flying parallel to the floor!

  I dove under my blankets.  As our apartment was still rocking and rolling I realized that if the building collapsed I would fall unto the parking garage below.  I had a vision of me landing on the hood of a neighbors car and it made me giggle.

   The worst of the shaking stopped.  It was a 6.9 Richtor scale quake we found out later.  Pretty strong.  Centered in Sylmar.  That was sort of across the LA basin from us, but apparently our apartment was near an active fault, which caused us to feel it so strongly.

   In my terror I hadn't heard my parents in the next room.  Once things started to settle down I heard them ask if I wanted to join them in their room.  I think I was on their bed before they finished the sentence.  We were all fine.  And then a strong aftershock hit.

   As things settled down again my parents decided that we should all get dressed and check things out.  Our electricity was still out, but it would go back on for us within the hour.  Other areas closer to the epicenter weren't so lucky.  We had cracks in our west walls.  Not too serious, but still there.  Some stuff fell of mantels and such.  I think only one ceramic figure broke.  We were lucky.

   My dad took the car to see if our business was ok (it was).  There were no cell phones back then and most phone lines were still out.  Unknown to us, my dad was also checking on his girlfriend and her family.  It worried mom and I that he was gone so long.

   According to my ever present transistor radio, my high school was going to be open.  Time to grab a quick breakfast and head over.  There was some minor damage there.  A glass trophy case had broken and they were cleaning that up as I got there.

   It was one of the strangest days I've ever had at high school.  Too many people were upset for any real learning to happen.  So much fear.  So many stories.  The gang girls from our bario were paler than the pale makeup they usually wore.  Gone was their normal "tough girl"behavior.  It was strange to me that I was less afraid then they were.  There was one good aftershock before lunch.  I remember hearing screams down the hall.

   The aftershocks terrified me.  They went on for months.  One would start and my brain would go into fear overload, expecting another disaster.  After about 6 months of that I started realizing how much the fear was controlling me.  I decided that response was not who I am and began training myself to respond to earthquakes in more functional ways.  It helped that the number and severity of the aftershocks lessened.

   One of the things I've done ever since is collect earthquake stories from quakes I've been in.  There were some classic ones from my apartment complex that day in 1971.  One of my neighbors always left for work at 6 a.m.  Despite the fact that a quake was happening, this man of habit tried to open his door and couldn't.  Due to the direction of the quake, the water from our swimming pool had overflowed and was crashing against his front door!  Another neighbor had just gotten up and was on the toilet.  Not only was his time with nature interrupted, he was constipated for several days after.  I think his body thought the quake would happen again...  The best stories from school that day were from the kids that lived on the east edge of town where the major electric power poles were.  As the power lines were swaying, they started arcing, and the resultant electrical sparks lit up the eastern sky.

   I think how I chose to handle earthquakes morphed into how I handle crisis in general.  I'm the person who is calm and logical (and moving to help) in a crisis.  I always promise myself that I'll give myself time to fall apart later.

   I've developed a fascination with the USGS earthquake reports.  I watch for pattern.  If there's a seismograph anywhere near me I'll find excuses to go watch it.  And, as best as I can, I plan for the possibilities.  I always have canned food in my pantry.  I try to keep water and to keep it rotated, so it's fresh.

   During an actual earthquake (and I've been through some serious quakes since, just not the catastrophic ones) I'm constantly analyzing the quake.  Is all of my family/everyone in the house safe?  How strong is this one?  Do I hear anything falling or breaking?  Dear God, how long is this one going to last?  I'll try to guess the magnitude and direction.

   When I know it's safe, I'll check on everyone and look for damage.  And go on with life.  I know I life in "earthquake county."  I know here in Southern California we are overdue for a major, possibly catastrophic earthquake.  We don't know when or where it will come, so I'm not going to worry about it.  My faire tent is in my garage storage.  That place should survive, even if the apartment building falls down.  I've been a Girl Scout and have camped in some pretty primitive conditions.  I'm pretty sure I could survive (assuming I don't have life threatening injuries) the 3-4 days until the Red Cross starts showing up.

   I don't want to go through a catastrophic earthquake.  But I'm pretty sure I could survive one.  But I'm going to want my time to fall apart afterwards!

Momma Sandy Says - How to Help Your Children Survive Divorce

Momma Sandy Says

How to Help Your Children Survive Divorce

   Please note that this blog is based on experience-mine and that of many others.  

   We like to think that marriage is forever.  The whole Happily Ever After thing.  But the facts are that 50% of all marriages in the United States end in divorce.  It takes work to keep a marriage alive.  What happens is that 2 people discover that they can no longer live with each other.  If there are no children, going their separate ways isn't so hard, once the "stuff" is divided.  However, once there are children, everything changes.

   If a separation/divorce is going to happen, the goal of both parents should be to help their children adjust to the change-so that the children have good relationships with both parents.  That's what the goal should be.  Unfortunately, so many divorcing parents are more focused on their own needs than on the needs of their children.  I am not saying that a person involved in a divorce should ignore their own emotional and physical needs, but they should not let those needs supersede the needs of their children.  Who's the adult?

  I need to put in an important caveat here.  Sometimes there are really good reasons why a marriage needs to end.  There are situations in which the victim parent and the children need to be protected.  I'm speaking particularly about abuse, sexual and otherwise of the parent and/or the children.  There are also situations including drug/alcohol abuse, mental health issues, criminal behavior, and just plain evil people.  The rules change in those situations and I would never encourage a family escaping from any of those situations to get anywhere near them again.

   That said, I'm going to state a basic fact about divorce with children.  Even if you never want to see that spouse again, because you have had children together, you are probably going to be dealing with each other because of those children for the rest of your life.

   So how do you survive this process?  It's not easy, but I do have some really valid suggestions.  Marriage therapists would even recommend these.

1.  Do not say bad things (downgrade) your soon-to-be-ex in front of your children!  Even if they're true.  Try to watch what you say about your ex everywhere.  Your kids will find out about it.  If you really, really have to vent about your ex, try a therapist or a trusted friend.  And never, never, never put anything negative about them in print or online.  This is important.

2.  Be honest with your children about why the marriage is ending, but no details, and make your explanations age appropriate.  For example, if the two of you have done nothing but argue, you can tell your children that two people who disagree that much should not be living together.  Your kids already know about the fighting.  They will eventually appreciate that you two were adult enough to recognize the need to not be together any longer.  Even a situation with a spouse with an alcohol addiction problem can be explained kindly.  You are keeping them safe from an adult with a problem.

  

3.  Unless it's a problem I talked about in the caveat above, show respect for your ex-especially in front of your children.  Teach your children to do the same.  Your ex may be a lying weasel, but he or she is still the other parent and that role needs to be respected.

4.  This one is important:  DO NOT PLAY CONTROL GAMES WITH YOUR EX USING YOUR CHILDREN!!!  The most common one is the mother who withholds visitation because she feels the ex is not paying properly.  Or the ex who withholds money because the spouse with primary custody is trying to limit visitation time.  Do not use your children to hurt your ex.  You and your children will be the losers!

5.  Be honest with your ex.  Be honest with the courts.  I know of a case where a vindictive ex wife lied to the police and claimed that her ex husband had molested his daughter by a prior wife.  What a horrible thing to do!  I don't even want to think about how screwed up the children those two had are going to be.  But what if your ex isn't being honest with you?  I agree that's a problem, but it's not a reason for you to lie.  If you have consistently been honest in your dealings with everyone,  you will be believed more readily that someone with a reputation for dishonesty.

6.  Be as gracious with your ex as you can.  I didn't say this stuff was easy.  But if you are kind and courteous (but not a doormat), you have modeled to your children how to behave in very difficult times.

7.  Do not keep your children away from the parents of your ex.  Let them see their grandchildren on your time, if possible.  Maintain positive relations with them if possible.  Of course, if any of the caveat situations exist, you have the responsibility to keep your kids safe.  If you think the grandparents are going to let the kids spend time with the drug using parent, then insist his parents come and have dinner with you and the kids at your place.  Or other safe places.  Having his family realize that you are not a wicked witch will help you and the kids a lot.  And the kids will be missing all of their extended family.

  Why do all this?  1.  You are modeling good behavior for your children.  Even under stress.  2.  You are stuck dealing with your ex concerning the children for the rest of their lives.  It's a whole lot easier if you haven't burned that many bridges.  3.  If you are consistent in your good behavior it's really hard for your ex to find joint friend/family to believe him/her when they talk about how bad/crazy you are.

   That's the really important stuff.  Now let's talk about some of the other stuff.  The actual divorce consists of splitting up the "stuff" and making arrangements for the children, i.e. custody.  Who gets the kids when and where will they live?  Please, please don't let your own need to "win" get in the way of what is best for the kids!  I was sitting in a courtroom one day (waiting for my own case to be called) when a divorce was called.  The yuppie looking parents could not decide on anything about custody.  This was a final hearing before the trial began.  The judge was disgusted at both parents.  She then ruled that the contested family house was to go to the children.  They would be the ones to live there and the parents would move in and out each week.  Both parents were appalled.  "Fine" the judge stated.  "Negotiate it out amongst yourselves.  Report back to me once you have a settlement.  Until then, my ruling stands!"  I loved it.

   Divorce is not about "winning" or getting everything you want.  Both parties have to be willing to compromise  And to be flexible.  Figure out custody and housing for what suits your needs.  It doesn't have to be traditional.  I knew of a divorced couple who both had apartments in the same city so their children could stay in the same school district.  They shared custody in an unusual way.  Each had the children for 4 days one week, 3 days the next, with conferences to adjust the days as needed.  After the kids graduated high school the parents were free to move where they wanted.  It worked for them.  Would have made me crazy keeping track of it.

  Flexibility in custody is really important.  As long as it is not a caveat situation, it's ok to allow your spouse extra time with your children.  Especially if it's important to your kids.  It would be unfair to count the time your ex spends as the sports coach for your child as visitation time.  Also understand, the amount of time your children spend with your ex will need to be more flexible as they get older.

   Which brings up a good point-the ages of your children when the separation/divorce happen.  I don't think there's ever a good age for children to have their parents divorce.  There's going to be trauma at any age, it just shows up differently.    Especially if they're older, if they're really having problems, get them professional help.  If the ex objects, go through the school or church.  The key is getting your children an extra bit of competent help to get them through a rough time.

   While I'm thinking about it, there are a few key issues that come up for your kids with a divorce.

1.  Your child can decide that they are to blame for the divorce.  This is very common.  Children want the security of a united family-even if it's a fantasy.  If you sense that your child is blaming him or herself, talk to them about it.  Make it very clear that they are not to blame.  Repeat as often as needed.  Especially if they are a key piece.  For example, a chronically sick child causes tensions that make a couple realize they cannot continue together.  The problem is still that of the parents who cannot get along, but it's easy for the child to see themselves as the cause.  Don't let them take on this blame!

2.  At some point we all realize that our parents aren't perfect.  The divorce may be when your children realize your exes major flaws.  If your children are having sufficient problems with the other parent they may want to cut them off from their lives.  Don't let them, unless that is the safest solution.  Teach them about setting boundaries.  Challenge them to set boundaries without cutting that person entirely out of their lives.    Keeping your children from burning bridges they shouldn't.

There's more to say, but this is long enough.  As your children become adults themselves, if  you've been the good parent, you should still have a positive relationship with your children.  They may even thank you.  You have been a rock of sanity for them in an insane time.  I'm not guaranteeing a lack of problems.  Your children will still try to challenge you.  They will probably blame you at various times for the end of the marriage.  But in the end, they should come to a place of understanding.

Good luck!!!