Mamma Sandy Says - Dealing With Older Children

Mamma Sandy Says

Dealing With Older Children

   Yes, I'm talking about older as in pre teens and teens.  That amazing age when they're not adults yet, but they are no longer children either.  It's a very up and down time.  One minute they're pretty mature about something, and 5 minutes later you think they're 5 years old.  If you think it's frustrating for you-think about what it must be for them!

  As parents, we have to adjust to this up and down stuff.  Realize it now, you just can't win.  This is the time in their lives when they will think you are complete idiots.  Yet probably most need your wisdom.  Confused yet?  Welcome to their teen years!

   There's a real confused nature to the teen years.  On one side, they want to be treated more as an adult.  On the other, they seem to still want the freedom from responsibility they had as a child.  Don't we all?

   I noted that my kids wanted freedom to do more without adult supervision.  That was a bit of a red flag to me.  What trouble were they planning on getting into?  As a parent you have to really show wisdom here-even if you don't normally have it.  Who do your kids normally hang out with?  Are they trustworthy?  If you don't know, you should.  Is this a new set of friends (Big red flag here!)?  You can give your kids more freedom, but there must be appropriate limits.  And stick to those limits!  Curfew rules are a big thing.  There should be penalties if they're late.  If there's going to be a problem getting home on time, they should be responsible enough to call you early to let you know.  And it had better be a good explanation!

   The other side of the coin of more freedom is more responsibility.  That needs to be explained early and often.  Remind them that you are training them to be successful adults.  More responsibility will include helping shoulder more of the family chores.

   As a parent, you have to change how you approach things too.  Instead of just giving your teen more things to do, make time for a discussion with all the adults and teens in the house.  Have a list of the chores related to helping the household run with everyone's current responsibilities listed.  The parents, especially mom, are going to have long lists.  What are your teens willing to help out with now?  Explain the concept of a contract.  And make one with them.  With rewards and penalties.

   The teen years are when you get to have certain discussions on a much more adult level.  Here's a few:

1.  Their role with younger family members (can also be cousins, neighbors, etc.).  They are now looked up to as a role model.  How are they doing with that?

2.  Volunteer work.  Some schools require it.  They may have been doing some already through school, church, or scouting.  But now they can think about what kind they want to do-maybe even as a trial to see if that's something they might want to do as an adult.

3.  Gender roles.  They should have already learned that in a modern, American home, a woman's place is not just in the home.  Expressing that in front of women they want to date is not a good idea.  Men are not limited to what they can or should be doing either.

4.  Sex and sexuality.  I'll talk more about this in a later post, but briefly, your teen should understand that while sex may be fun, it can also cause babies and really awful diseases.  And it can happen to them.  A discussion about same sex relationships, etc. needs to happen as well.  Ignorant teens are often teens at risk.

5.  What do they want to be when they grow up?  It was a game when they were kids, now not so much.  Suddenly it's much more real.  What do they want to do?  Who do they want to be?  Where do they want to be?

6.  Do they want to go to college?  Where?  Amongst many families, that's not even a question.  But why?  Will college get you to the career you want?  If so, which college would be best?  And how will it get paid for?  Parental wisdom will be helpful here, but it needs to be their choices.  And it may take a while.

7.  What about those first jobs?  The first time they have to apply for a job?  What to do with the little amount of money they get?

8.  Banking.  Teen years is a good time to get a first savings account.  As they start working a real job, time for a first checking account.  And all the learning how to use them.

9.  I recommend not giving a Smart Phone to a kid until they are at least middle school age and have shown some levels of maturity.  They need to understand that the Smart Phone level of technology requires new rules.  These rules are to protect them from being foolish.

   Your role as a parent of a pre teen or a teen is a constantly changing one.  These are quite volatile years for all of you.  Your sweet daughter is now a hurricane of emotions.  Your son now reminds you of yourself (or your brother) at that age.  Scary stuff.  There can (and probably will) be yelling and door banging.  Keep your emotions in check.  Train them that temper tantrums as a teen are no more effective than they were at 3.
   Somehow you will make the transition with them.  If you are wise, you will always be their parent.  But as time goes on, you can also become a trusted adviser and even a friend.  The trick is figuring out when to let them run on their own.