Momma Sandy Says
How to Help Your Children Survive Divorce
Please note that this blog is based on experience-mine and that of many others.
We like to think that marriage is forever. The whole Happily Ever After thing. But the facts are that 50% of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. It takes work to keep a marriage alive. What happens is that 2 people discover that they can no longer live with each other. If there are no children, going their separate ways isn't so hard, once the "stuff" is divided. However, once there are children, everything changes.
If a separation/divorce is going to happen, the goal of both parents should be to help their children adjust to the change-so that the children have good relationships with both parents. That's what the goal should be. Unfortunately, so many divorcing parents are more focused on their own needs than on the needs of their children. I am not saying that a person involved in a divorce should ignore their own emotional and physical needs, but they should not let those needs supersede the needs of their children. Who's the adult?
I need to put in an important caveat here. Sometimes there are really good reasons why a marriage needs to end. There are situations in which the victim parent and the children need to be protected. I'm speaking particularly about abuse, sexual and otherwise of the parent and/or the children. There are also situations including drug/alcohol abuse, mental health issues, criminal behavior, and just plain evil people. The rules change in those situations and I would never encourage a family escaping from any of those situations to get anywhere near them again.
That said, I'm going to state a basic fact about divorce with children. Even if you never want to see that spouse again, because you have had children together, you are probably going to be dealing with each other because of those children for the rest of your life.
So how do you survive this process? It's not easy, but I do have some really valid suggestions. Marriage therapists would even recommend these.
1. Do not say bad things (downgrade) your soon-to-be-ex in front of your children! Even if they're true. Try to watch what you say about your ex everywhere. Your kids will find out about it. If you really, really have to vent about your ex, try a therapist or a trusted friend. And never, never, never put anything negative about them in print or online. This is important.
2. Be honest with your children about why the marriage is ending, but no details, and make your explanations age appropriate. For example, if the two of you have done nothing but argue, you can tell your children that two people who disagree that much should not be living together. Your kids already know about the fighting. They will eventually appreciate that you two were adult enough to recognize the need to not be together any longer. Even a situation with a spouse with an alcohol addiction problem can be explained kindly. You are keeping them safe from an adult with a problem.
3. Unless it's a problem I talked about in the caveat above, show respect for your ex-especially in front of your children. Teach your children to do the same. Your ex may be a lying weasel, but he or she is still the other parent and that role needs to be respected.
4. This one is important: DO NOT PLAY CONTROL GAMES WITH YOUR EX USING YOUR CHILDREN!!! The most common one is the mother who withholds visitation because she feels the ex is not paying properly. Or the ex who withholds money because the spouse with primary custody is trying to limit visitation time. Do not use your children to hurt your ex. You and your children will be the losers!
5. Be honest with your ex. Be honest with the courts. I know of a case where a vindictive ex wife lied to the police and claimed that her ex husband had molested his daughter by a prior wife. What a horrible thing to do! I don't even want to think about how screwed up the children those two had are going to be. But what if your ex isn't being honest with you? I agree that's a problem, but it's not a reason for you to lie. If you have consistently been honest in your dealings with everyone, you will be believed more readily that someone with a reputation for dishonesty.
6. Be as gracious with your ex as you can. I didn't say this stuff was easy. But if you are kind and courteous (but not a doormat), you have modeled to your children how to behave in very difficult times.
7. Do not keep your children away from the parents of your ex. Let them see their grandchildren on your time, if possible. Maintain positive relations with them if possible. Of course, if any of the caveat situations exist, you have the responsibility to keep your kids safe. If you think the grandparents are going to let the kids spend time with the drug using parent, then insist his parents come and have dinner with you and the kids at your place. Or other safe places. Having his family realize that you are not a wicked witch will help you and the kids a lot. And the kids will be missing all of their extended family.
Why do all this? 1. You are modeling good behavior for your children. Even under stress. 2. You are stuck dealing with your ex concerning the children for the rest of their lives. It's a whole lot easier if you haven't burned that many bridges. 3. If you are consistent in your good behavior it's really hard for your ex to find joint friend/family to believe him/her when they talk about how bad/crazy you are.
That's the really important stuff. Now let's talk about some of the other stuff. The actual divorce consists of splitting up the "stuff" and making arrangements for the children, i.e. custody. Who gets the kids when and where will they live? Please, please don't let your own need to "win" get in the way of what is best for the kids! I was sitting in a courtroom one day (waiting for my own case to be called) when a divorce was called. The yuppie looking parents could not decide on anything about custody. This was a final hearing before the trial began. The judge was disgusted at both parents. She then ruled that the contested family house was to go to the children. They would be the ones to live there and the parents would move in and out each week. Both parents were appalled. "Fine" the judge stated. "Negotiate it out amongst yourselves. Report back to me once you have a settlement. Until then, my ruling stands!" I loved it.
Divorce is not about "winning" or getting everything you want. Both parties have to be willing to compromise And to be flexible. Figure out custody and housing for what suits your needs. It doesn't have to be traditional. I knew of a divorced couple who both had apartments in the same city so their children could stay in the same school district. They shared custody in an unusual way. Each had the children for 4 days one week, 3 days the next, with conferences to adjust the days as needed. After the kids graduated high school the parents were free to move where they wanted. It worked for them. Would have made me crazy keeping track of it.
Flexibility in custody is really important. As long as it is not a caveat situation, it's ok to allow your spouse extra time with your children. Especially if it's important to your kids. It would be unfair to count the time your ex spends as the sports coach for your child as visitation time. Also understand, the amount of time your children spend with your ex will need to be more flexible as they get older.
Which brings up a good point-the ages of your children when the separation/divorce happen. I don't think there's ever a good age for children to have their parents divorce. There's going to be trauma at any age, it just shows up differently. Especially if they're older, if they're really having problems, get them professional help. If the ex objects, go through the school or church. The key is getting your children an extra bit of competent help to get them through a rough time.
While I'm thinking about it, there are a few key issues that come up for your kids with a divorce.
1. Your child can decide that they are to blame for the divorce. This is very common. Children want the security of a united family-even if it's a fantasy. If you sense that your child is blaming him or herself, talk to them about it. Make it very clear that they are not to blame. Repeat as often as needed. Especially if they are a key piece. For example, a chronically sick child causes tensions that make a couple realize they cannot continue together. The problem is still that of the parents who cannot get along, but it's easy for the child to see themselves as the cause. Don't let them take on this blame!
2. At some point we all realize that our parents aren't perfect. The divorce may be when your children realize your exes major flaws. If your children are having sufficient problems with the other parent they may want to cut them off from their lives. Don't let them, unless that is the safest solution. Teach them about setting boundaries. Challenge them to set boundaries without cutting that person entirely out of their lives. Keeping your children from burning bridges they shouldn't.
There's more to say, but this is long enough. As your children become adults themselves, if you've been the good parent, you should still have a positive relationship with your children. They may even thank you. You have been a rock of sanity for them in an insane time. I'm not guaranteeing a lack of problems. Your children will still try to challenge you. They will probably blame you at various times for the end of the marriage. But in the end, they should come to a place of understanding.
Good luck!!!
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