Mamma Sandy Says - Marriage Stressors

Mamma Sandy Says

Marriage Stressors

   Last week I talked about how couples argue and discussed some rules/suggestions for how a couple can survive discussions.  This week I want to start talking about some of the major problem areas that couples seem to have.

   Money seems to be one of the biggest problem areas, statistically.  Lots of arguments about who earns it, how is it spent, who makes the financial decisions, etc.  Let's look at each of these for some ideas on how a couple can sail through these murky waters.

   There can be a lot of ego issues coming to the surface with the question of who makes the family money?  Does the fact that the other person in the relationship makes more money or has a more prestigious job cause problems?  If so, that's a big issue that needs to be worked out.

   Sometimes the problems are encourages by societal pressures.  To this day I still cringe when I think of all the women who went to work during WWII, only to be fired and told to return to homemaking because the jobs needed to go to them men.  Ethnic factors may play a role, as can spiritual belies.  

   In this day and age people of both genders are supposed to be able to work at what they want to-what they are best at.  For some couples, having the man with the primary job and the woman with limited work (while she cares for children and home) is the way to go.  For others, the woman is the primary wage earner, while the man has more of the household responsibility.  But for many, I think it is a careful juggling act, with both members of the couple working and both trying to keep the house and family going.  And at various times in the relationship it can be all three!

There are lots of potential problem areas connected with who pays the bills.  There are so many ways to handle bills and no one right way.  It really depends on the couple.  And what works when newly married may not work 10 years later.

  Often when a couple first moves in together, they each have their own banks and accounts.  At first, it's easy to decide that person A pays certain specific bills, person B pays others, and they each pay the rest.  That seems to work reasonably well when both persons make comparable amounts of money.  That system will need revamping once the dollar amount of bills goes up, or one person starts making considerably more money than the other.  The key is communication.

   Joint bank accounts can work well.  But there has to be a lot of communication to make sure that accounts are not overdrawn.  For me, having two checking accounts with my spouse worked.  The bank account he oversaw was the primary one, the one he payed most of our bills with.  Since he was away most of the daytime hours, my account handled day to day stuff, like food, doctor visits, school stuff, emergency repairs, etc.  As needed, we would transfer money from the primary account to the one I took care of.

  I do need to make the point that financial needs change.  When we were first married I handled most of the finances.  For a variety of reasons.  Later on, after we had children, he took over the primary financial stuff.  He was better at it and I was more than busy keeping care of the kids and the home (as well as working part time).

   As a couple, you need to both be aware of what the bills are and when they are due.  I still maintain a spread sheet.  The bills, once they come in, should be checked, then stored in a specific location until paid.  Both need to be aware of the bills and  looking for problems, but one person should have the specific job of keeping tract of the expenditures.  I recommend someone who is reasonably good at details.

   You really, really need to talk about the bills.  And not in an accusing way.  If it seems that one person is spending too much on something, that probably needs to be talked about.  My ex did not believe that basic groceries were as expensive as I had told him.  I desperately needed a change in the grocery budget.  Then I took him grocery shopping with me.  List and coupons in hand, we only bought what was on the list.  The bill was about what I said it would be.  And way over what he had thought.  I got my increase.

   Which brings up the point that budget planning is a really good idea.  It is not my strong point, so I have to work harder at it.  Don't forget to plan for vacations, kids future expenses, and your own retirement.  And budget planning should be discussed often.  It should not be an excuse to accuse each other.  If there are problems, deal with them.  Financial counseling is available.  Regular counseling as well to deal with underlying problems.

  I want to point out again that how you handle your money today may not be what's best in the future.  Things change.  Sickness and unemployment happens.  Other responsibilities can change to plan.  Be flexible and willing to change as needed.

  In closing I want to touch on how money can effect other potential problem areas.  For example, the topic of who does what?  If both partners are working similar hours, in this, more modern age, it can be expected that both partners will do approximately equal amounts of the work associated with their relationship-the household chores.  But what if one partner's work is much more exhausting?  Or one has medical issues?  What if the hours worked (including commute time) are not the same?  Should the chores be discussed?  Indeed.

   And as I so often say, be flexible and be willing to make changes as needed.