Mama Sandy Says - Marriage Stressors, Part 2

Mamma Sandy Says

Marriage Stressors, Part 2

Children-Yours, Mine, and Ours

     The big two in relationship stressors are money and Children.  I think every expert I've ever read agrees on that.  Last week I looked at money issues.  Let's look at a few of the issues relating to children (there are so many I could be writing  for the next several hours and still not list all of them).

   

  I've said several times that once a couple (whether they've only been together one night or 20 years) has a child, they will most probably have to deal with each other on some basis for most of the life of their child. How much will probably depend on both of you, the need of the child(ren), and possibly the judicial system.

   Here's where my plug for birth control comes in.  The Poxy Boggards, a Southern California musical group have a song entitled "Don't Stick it in the Crazy."  Every man should engrave that in his brain (or elsewhere).  There is no song (yet) for women, but "Don't Let the Crazy Stick it in You." would be a good one.

   It may just be my luck, but in my experience it's the crazy woman who almost always have children.  I know one guy who got involved with several of them, and had children by two of them.  And regrets every minute of it.  The sex just wasn't worth it.  Now he has to fight to spend time with his kids.    So yeah, think before you have sex.  If a child results from this am I going to be able to stand dealing with this person?  If the answer is no, then walk away.  It's as simple as that.  Sermon done.

A lot of problems regarding children stem from the fact that the couple do not have the same philosophies about child raising.  If you don't agree, your child will know it and use it to his or her advantage.  "But Dad (or Mom) said..." is a pretty sure way to start an argument between the parents.  You have to take the time beforehand to agree on policy.

   One of the things we did was to agree to always back the other parent up.  Even if I didn't agree with a ruling my spouse made regarding the kids, I never said so except privately to him.  At the time I would back him up.

   If you can agree ahead of time on policy and how to handle disagreements regarding the kids, you have just avoided a lot of stress and disagreement.

A policy issue that may not be avoided is one child has the ability to talk one of the parents into things.  I'm still convinced the strongest bone in my daughter's body is the one she had her dad wrapped around.  No amount of pre-planning could have avoided those rapid capitulations.  That's when I had to be the mean parent and inject some reality into the situation.  Your home may be the opposite.

How to raise children really becomes a major issue when a couple has children from former relationships.  The kids may or may not be full time members of the household.  How do you deal with the fact that other adults are a part of the decision making process of some of the household children?  It's enough to cause massive headaches.

  And if you have your own on top of that?  Blended families can be wonderful, but you really need to work on the communication issues-a lot.

I'll talk more about this next week, but if you add a child with special needs to the mix, add many more sources of stress.  Have a teen or pre-teen?  Your stress just doubled (at least).  They've discovered dating and romance?  More stress.  And that's all the normal stuff.  If you think (or know) your child is making some bad life choices (drugs, wrong sexual partners, etc.) it's even harder.

So how do you deal with all this child related stress?  Some of it is normal.  Some comes from events that can't be anticipated.  Some come from wrong choices.  But all of the stress will work towards tearing the family apart.  So how do you avoid that?

   My first thought is that you as a person need to take time for yourself.  Figure out what works as a de-stressing tool for you.  It may likely be time alone-either in prayer, meditation, or just walking.  Make sure  your partner gets time alone as they need it.

   Take time for the two of you to be alone.  Date night for married couples is a necessity.  Arrange for a spa day for the two of you.  People taking care of sick or elderly people need respite care for themselves, so do you.

   And take time to have family times that are unrelated to the chaos around you.  Your kids may object (especially the teens), but sometimes a walk on the beach, or a Monster Truck Rally, or some fun adventure may be just what all of you need to remind yourselves that you are a family.

And lastly, if the stress is getting too much, don't be afraid to ask for help.  We've talked about this before too.  Lots of resources out there.  Be brave enough to ask.