Momma Sandy Says - How to Argue Without Blowing Up Your Marriage

Momma Sandy Says

How to Argue Without Blowing Up the Marriage

I've written a lot about raising children, but now I want to talk about keeping a long term relationship like a marriage alive.  I will say that probably the most important thing is to keep working at the relationship-never take it for granted.  Your Significant Other is a treasure!  Unless, of course, they have turned out to not be.  But that's a different blog.

   There are several areas that tend to be the biggest problems in relationships.  They are:

Money (who makes it, how to spend it, etc.)

Children (yours, mine, and ours)

Times of Crisis

Everything else

   I'm sorry, but no matter how much you are in love now, there will be times when you will disagree.  You will have to learn how to disagree/fight in a way that will not destroy the relationship.  Here are some suggestions for rules you might want to discuss and agree upon ahead of time.

1.  Agree to never get physical during the disagreements.  Violence is never a good idea, especially in the middle of a disagreement.

2.  Agree that either one of you can call a "time out" as needed.  You may need to cool off or to think about what has been said before continuing.  Set a specific time to resume.

3.  Agree that yelling is grounds for a time out.

4.  Agree not to argue publicly or in front of relatives-especially not in front of your children.

5.  Agree to fight "fair."  This includes not bringing up past issues that have already supposedly been settled.

6.  If you've been in a relationship any length of time, you know your S.O's psychological weak points.  Both of you should agree not to use those weak points.  Make it as close to a sacred vow as you can to not use them.

7.  Agree to not change topics mid disagreement.  It muddies up the discussion.  Especially bad if you are using it to cover up the fact that you see yourself as loosing.

8.  Agree to compromise.  It's not about winning or convincing your S.O. to agree to your point of view.  Both of you may have valid points. Lawyers joke that a good decision in law is one in which both sides are equally unhappy.  That can also apply here.

9.  Compromise gracefully.  Use tact.  NEVER let your S.O. walk away with damaged self esteem.

10.  This one is important.  It is not your job to force your S.O. into the image of what you have for them!!!  That roads leads to spousal abuse.

11.  You have to agree to disagree.   That's ok.  Set up what ever boundaries you need to.

12.  Be as gentle and loving with your S.O. as you can.  You may need to call for a time out to think about why you just became angry or hurt.  What buttons of yours were pushed?

13.  The old saying to "never let the sun go down on your anger" is a good one.  Take the time to work through to a solution you can both work with.  Then take the time to remember that you did love your S.O. and you might still.

14.  "Make up sex" should be mutual.  Try to be sensitive to the fact that your S.O. may still have some emotional stuff they need to work through before they can be loving towards you.

15.  In my opinion, being a "brooder"-that is, someone that can be cranky for days before starting to address the causes of the anger-is not good.  If the upset person does not communicate the reason for his/her upset, nothing will change.  In fact, this behavior will make the problems worse.  It can feel like the brooder is trying to punish the other person.  Also, the behavior can spill over to effect others in the household.

16.  Be honest with each other-especially when disagreeing.

17.  No emotional manipulation!

   Whew!  The last item leads to my needing to talk about when the couple needs to seek professional help.

a.  If either (or both) of you has an explosive temper.  Especially the kind that can lead to violence.

b.  If there is verbal or psychological abuse going on.

c.  If physical violence is happening when you fight.

d.  If you just can't seem to solve your problems or get past certain patterns..

e.  If one or both of you are having an affair (without the expressed permission of the other).

f.  If one of both of you are lying about key parts of your life together (lying about being fired from your job is one example).

g.  If one of you is still married to someone else (note:  there are important legal problems here too).

   Getting help is not a sign of failure.  It may just mean that you don't have all the tools you need.  Help can come in many forms.  If you attend a church (in any form), they may host or have information on marriage retreats.  Sometimes a guided break away from your normal lives to focus on you as a couple is a very good start.  There are classes and/or retreats led by professionals.  And there are competent Marriage and Family therapists to help you individually or as a couple.  Hopefully soon I will post some tips on choosing a therapist.

   Fixing problems in a relationship, when you can't seem to do it on your own, may not be fixable quickly.  Sometimes you have to be patient and not give up.  Here's a story to illustrate:

   A couple I knew suddenly separated.  We had no idea of the issues in their marriage.  They chose to do a trial separation while both of them saw a therapist individually.  They were separated for a long time. I'm thinking it was over 2 years.  The husband was almost ready to give up, but he kept hanging in there, trying to deal with his own problems.  Eventually they started dating again.  Eventually they did get back together, but I'm thinking it was about 4 years.  But their marriage was rock solid after that.

  So don't give up.  Remember why you stuck around for so long.  Remember why you love them.  Also remember that it takes 2 people to screw things up.  It's almost never just you or your S.O.'s fault.