Mamma Sandy Says
Marriage Stressors, Part 3
The Other Stuff
I've talked about the two biggest stressors to a marriage or long term relationship-money and children. Times to finish this up with a discussion about the other big ones: illness and travel.
Having a child who is seriously ill is an incredible source of stress on a relationship. And not just for the couple. This affects every one in the family. Because one child is seriously ill, they require more care, more time. Any other children tend, justifiably, to feel neglected. And will, most likely, act out. Adding more stress to what is probably already a volatile situation.
And the causes of stress with a sick child are many. To start with, who is caring for the sick child? If at the hospital, add in travel time and time away from everything else, including care for the home. If the child is at home, is there professional nursing available? If not, who? How is this affecting the rest of the family? If mom is doing most of the nursing chores, then who is picking up her household work? Is she still able to fulfill other, outside responsibilities (like the other kids sports, lessons, scouts, etc.)? Who's keeping the house clean and organized and making sure permission slips get turned in on time?
Don't forget about the money. How is all this being paid for? Who is dealing with the insurance company, the hospital, the doctor, and (hopefully not) the collection agencies? Are any of the working adults having to take time off to care for the sick child? Again, more money problems.
And the blame game, don't forget about it. With all that stress it's easy to get into fights and to try to find reasons why all this is happening. Your other children will do it too. And let's not forget about the sick child. They're going to have their own issues. And they'll probably blame themselves for being ill. And even more blame themselves if the family implodes.
Moving on now to the other illness issue- non child family members. I'll speak specifically about senior parents, though it can be a sibling or other family member as well. I'm a member of what is being known as a "sandwich generation." While caring for my children I've also had to deal with a sick parent. My dad died when my kids were in grade school. Luckily, it was a reasonably short illness, but it still had its effect on our family.
Any time you have care of a family member, you are dealing with many of the same stress causers. When dealing with seniors, it can be worse, especially if it's a long term, terminal illness, such as Alzheimers. A lot of other stuff gets thrown in. Whose parent/family member is it? The other spouse may become resentful of the time and resources being spent. As well as any children. Are any of the other siblings helping? How much? What's the money situation? Is the rest of the family helping? Potential for arguments that can have far reaching effects on more than just your family.
And when the parent dies, a whole new bunch of problems dealing with the estate. Who gets what? Who pays for what part of the remaining bills? Hopefully the deceased had things set up to avoid most of it. But there is still the probability of potential heirs just coming in and stealing stuff they think they deserve. Sad.
I don't want to talk about the problems without talking about potential help. The big thing to remember if you have children with serious, or long term problems is that you have to be aware of what's going on. Take the time to analyze how people are doing and what the problems are. Then make a plan to fix the problems.
One of the biggest problems is caregiver stress-that goes for helping the elderly as well. The caregivers cannot expect to have their normal work loads as well as caring for the sick. It doesn't work, as I can attest. Look into respite care. Somehow get others to come in and give you some time off. You really, really, really need to care for yourself as well. I know a family that had a seriously ill child. The mother was the primary care giver. Due to the nature of the illness, she had to be up nights a lot. She didn't have any respite care and wound up dealing with Sleep Deprivation issues. The child eventually was fine, but the mom ended up in the hospital for over a month. She's still a bit fragile and the family imploded. The father couldn't handle all of it and is now gone. Get help when you need it!
Here's the quick bits of advice. Don't be too proud to ask for help. Of all kinds, including help in understanding and dealing with the hospital, etc. If that's where you're at, get prayer. It helps. Make sure you don't go beyond your own limits. Take time for your own health-both mental and physical.
Last, there are issues of travel that can tear families apart. Most of us are aware of how life in the military can affect families. My older brother was a career Marine and I remember what a hassle it was for his family every time he got transferred. Usually he would have to move first, so it would be his wife who would have to finalize the move, arrange everything, including transferring the kids to a new school. Once at the new location, it would be her job, often, to get everything organized. If there were there long enough, she could get herself a job-only to do it all again. When my brother had to go overseas where he couldn't take them, his wife became a single parent mom. He could advise, and there was money, but she had to do all the work and take all the stress. I was amazed the marriage lasted as long as it did.
But besides military families, there is a growing trend for companies to have their employees travel-often a lot. I'm aware of more and more of my children's friends having to be out of town for work. And not for sales jobs. These are larger companies that don't care that their employees may have families. And not all of these jobs pay that well.
Recently I got to meet up with a friend who now lives on the East Coast. She was out here for a few days for company meetings. If she hadn't been here, she would have been in Italy, also for company stuff. Luckily she has a husband who doesn't have to travel as much and can even work remotely when their child is ill, mostly. First world problems, but it's growing.
Like the other problems, it requires planning and awareness. The spouse who is feeling the stress needs to say something. And the other spouse needs to really listen. And they need to figure out solutions.
So be aware, in these kinds of situations. Look for signs that family members need help. Find ways to help. And be patient.
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