Momma Sandy Says
Fear and Your Children
Fear is a natural emotion. It's built into us for our self preservation. There is a natural "Fight or Flight" reaction built into us. In a fear provoking situation our minds/emotions will tell us to either get the heck out of there, or to do something about it. There is also a negative response to fear where individuals can "Freeze" in fear and be unable to do anything. Lets look at all three. Is there a way that parents can help their children to make better choices in fear provoking situations?
I'm going to make a strong separation between fight or flight vs. freeze. To not be able to do anything in a fear provoking situation is not good. The individual has lost any choice in keeping themselves safe. I believe that parents need to be aware if their children are dealing with any of that. If it continues, escalates, or causing real problems, then competent professional help may be needed. I'll talk more about childhood fears a bit later.
There are going to be fear provoking situations in your own life, and in that of your family. Children are not exempt. But one of the key ways to help your children be able to cope is how you model appropriate behavior in fear situations.
Let me give you an example. When my children were 5 and 3 years old we were in a major earthquake. We were in the car and had just dropped their father off to go to work. As I went to turn the car on I realized that the car was starting to bounce. We were clearly in an earthquake of some magnitude. I quickly looked around and realized that we were in a safe place. No power poles nearby, nothing that could fall on us. So I was able to relax (as much as anyone can in a larger earthquake) and focus on what was happening around us.
My 5 year old asked me with fear in his voice, "What's going on?" Good question. The car is bouncing for no discernable reason.
I realized this was his first real earthquake and I had a "teachable moment." As calmly as I could I informed him that this was an earthquake. "What's an earthquake? he asked. The fear was going away, being replaced by his natural curiosity.
This was my I-want-to-understand-how-the-world-is-put-together son. "The scientific explanation has to do with plate tectonics and stuff. I'll get a book from the library on it (my usual response). For now, think of it as God reaching down and giving the ground a bit of a shake." Since all this was normal, my son was ok. And since my son was ok, the 3 year old knew it was ok too.
Picking up my son from kindergarten later on that day the teacher wanted to talk to me. It seems my son had climbed on the top of the jungle Gym and was shaking it, yelling "earthquake!" I guess I did my job too well. But neither of my children has ever had a major fear of earthquakes. They view them as a natural part of living in California. They know to plan ahead, stay calm, and deal with the aftereffects as they come.
One of my son's classmates wasn't so lucky. Her mom is terrified of earthquakes. Her kids picked up on that (one of the reasons why my son's jungle gym stunt was a problem) and were terrified as well. That family had to deal with 3 nervous, fearful individuals for several weeks.
Can you teach your children when it's better to flee from a situation? Of course. But again, I feel the key is that you, as the parents need to be calm and to model that sometimes leaving is the best choice. Evacuating before a river runs into your house, a good idea.
That leads into teaching kids how to plan for things like natural disasters. If it can be taught without fear, kids can learn that it's a good idea to have extra water and stuff on hand. If your children understand that natural disasters are just that, then they can also understand the need to plan ahead of time. Make them think about what they would take with them if there's a need to quickly evacuate. Make it a game.
I don't think I can say this enough. If you are calm, your kids will respond to the need without panic, for the most part. If they understand ahead of time that sometimes fires or floods happen, then it's not a new scary thing. Still scary, but within the realm of possible and mom and dad seem to have it organized.
But what about when it's not a natural disaster, but a man made one? I remember during the Rodney King riots. My home and the school my kids were attending were just inside the mandatory curfew area. As I was picking my kids up for school they announced that school was going to be closed for at least 3 days. Then I looked up and saw a convoy of armored personnel carriers, armed, going down the freeway next to us. All of a sudden the reality of the potential danger hit me. The violence never did move close to us, but the possibility was suddenly very real.
That left me with a very real choice. Did I give in to my very logical fears or did I continue to take the high road and use the opportunity to teach my kids appropriate behavior in a crisis? Mostly I did ok. There was still the heart stopping moment two days later when I saw an armored Humvee patrolling my neighborhood. But mostly we kept things logical. We used it as a chance to explain life in the inner city and injustice based on race. The only real violence near us was the destruction of the local Dept. of Motor Vehicles office. While I personally understood why that was a symbol, we taught our kids that destruction of property while angry is a bad idea. And that looting is very wrong.
So, some key things to remember about teaching your kids to handle potential fear enducing things:
1. You need to model appropriate behavior. That means that while you want to start screaming and crying, your job, for the sake of your kids, is to do what's right in the situation.
2. Always model calmness-even if you're screaming inside.
3. Be flexible. Teach your kids that sometimes plans have to change. That's a good life lesson in general.
4. If possible, without fear, plan ahead.
5. Always explain what's going on at the appropriate level for your kids.
6. Maintain the appearance of calm.
A few words about childhood fears. They're called that for a reason. Children can develop irrational, paralyzing fears. For me it was cats on a fence howling at the moon. I think I thought they were going to break into my house and do bad stuff. I knew I was horribly scared and couldn't move. Of course I slept badly. Eventually I think I told my parents about it. Without telling me he was going to do it, my dad would use his bb gun and scare the cats away on those nights. It took a long time for that fear to go away. I eventually out grew it.
And that's the thing about many childhood fears. Kids usually outgrow them. One of my children could not watch certain fantasy shows. Horrid nightmares were the result. And I don't even want to think about the horror films based on "Chucky." Nightmare city for a very long time! When you know that something is a probable trigger, don't let your kid be exposed to it!
I do need to mention that not all childhood fears are irrational. A child who has been abused may not be able to verbalize it. The fear and pain may come out in nightmares. Keep your eyes and ears open.
In closing I do want to note that fears can be multi sensory triggered. When I was young there was a big brush fire somewhat close to our home. I saw the flames and it trigger nightmares and sleep walking in me. Since we were close, the smell of smoke and the ashes lingered. The fire was out, but I was still dealing with the results. Finally, in a bit of wisdom, my dad sent my mom and I out of the area to stay with friends for about a week. While there, no nightmares or sleepwalking. When we got back the natural weather patterns (and the family hose) had taken away the smoke smell and the ashes. I was cured. To this day I have an aversion to watching wild fires on the news. And I avoid them in person (partly because I'm not foolish). But it is not an active fear.
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