Momma Sandy Says - Sex, Sexuality, and Kids

Momma Sandy Says

Sex, Sexuality, and Kids

I understand that the topic of sex, connected with children is a hot button.  It is for me too.  So much depends on the moral standards of the parents, and the community in which you live.  A parent has to decide how much information they want their children to have-and how they're going to get it.

  I'm going to say right now that I am not a fan of parents having their children pulled out of school health classes that teach about human reproduction, etc.  I've taught some of those classes.  To pull a kid out subjects them to potential ridicule, and leaves them ignorant, unless the parents are willing to do the teaching.  Children need to understand how their bodies work and what the changes they are going through mean.  Scaring the kids a bit about the dangers of sex isn't bad either.  It all depends on how the material is taught.

   What your children know about sex they mostly learn from you.  They can learn the scientific stuff from school, but the important stuff comes from home.  What you teach and what you model.  They can learn that sex is a private thing done between adults.  Personal ethical or spiritual beliefs enter here as well, such as the belief that sex should only be between two people that are married and love each other.

  Unless you install a lock on your door and use it, your kids will see you have sex at some point.  Or at least hear it.  Be prepared.  How are you going to handle it?  And here's a warning. If you want to reduce your children's future psychotherapy time, leave the kinkier stuff for when they're not home.

  Side note for those who have what might be called a "kinkier" lifestyle:  Think about the possible consequences of your lifestyle and raising children.  You can raise children to understand your lifestyle, but what they share with friends could be problematic.  I'm not saying you need to change your lifestyle, but be aware of possible consequences and plan.

   One thing to remember is that your children will think sex is "icky" when they are little.  They will probably always think that sex between their parents is icky.

What to do when they ask "the question?"

First, stay calm.  Your answer is going to depend on some variables.  Why are they asking?  And how old are they?  It might be intellectual curiosity.   It might be trying to understand what the other kids are talking about.  Or it might be something more serious that you will have to deal with.  I know of a case where a young man, about 4 years of age asked about sex.  It turned out he had a girlfriend and he wanted to make sure he didn't get her pregnant, since he knew that was wrong.  The adult did manage not to laugh.

   Which brings up my next point.  Treat their questions with respect.  And answer appropriately.  A very young child may be mature enough to understand what sex is.  It will seem impossibly icky to them.  And they will have no desire to do it, then.  But they probably won't have the maturity to not tell their friends, unless told not to.

When is a child old enough to be sexually active?

In my personal opinion, not until they are an adult (age 18).  However, their are cultural components that may influence this.  Certainly sex shouldn't happen until the individual is sexual and mentally mature to deal with the consequences.  A 14 year old may be sexually able to reproduce, but they are not mentally and emotionally mature enough yet.  Teens should give themselves time to get used to their new bodies and the hormones attached to them.  Teach your teens to be patient.

How to prevent premature sexuality

Keep an eye on your children's friends, especially if they're female.  If couples are starting to pair off, time to talk to your kid.  Here's a sensible one-don't let your teens dress provocatively.  This applies to mostly girls, but guys can do it too.  You are the parent.  Do not let your children dress like street walkers.  I don't like the current fashions for short, short, short shorts.  And I wouldn't have let my daughter wear such.

   Monitor their social media, especially the photos.  I remember rolling my skirts up when I was in high school back in dinosaur days.  How do your kids alter their appearance once they're away from home?

  In a non-threatening way, expose your children/teens to the dangers of being sexually active.  I didn't do it deliberately, but when my kids were elementary school age I was a volunteer driver for a local aids hospice.  Sometimes my kids had to come along.  They got to know some of the patients.  It led to some frank discussions about the dangers of unprotected sex.

When all else fails

   If your child insists on being sexually active under age 16, do what ever you have to in order to stop it.  Rarely are teens that young mature enough to make that choice.  Over the age of 16 things get tricky.  Discuss, educate.  Make sure you know who your children are spending time with.

   Over the age of 18 they are adults.  If they are still living with you then you can have rational, adult discussions about house rules, but they are adults.

In any event,  if you think your child is being sexually active, teach them about condoms.  Have a nonjudgmental box of condoms available.  Do you really want your child having unprotected sex in this day and age, no matter what you think of them being sexually active?

   Do not stick your head in the sand and hope that your children will stay pure until marriage.  Be honest about your beliefs, set the limits necessary for you, but love your kids.  And trust them.