Momma Sandy Says - Trips and Traps with Kids

Momma Sandy Says

Trips and Traps with Kids

   Let's be honest, our children know which buttons to push to get us to react certain ways.  It's just a fact of life.  As parents we can either allow them to continue doing so, or we can figure out ways to derail them.  Below are some of the more classic stratagies that kids tend to use and how I tended to deal with them.

1. Stalling Bed Time.  Sometimes you can get lucky and have a child that loves to sleep.  I had one.  I also had one of the other kind.  This is the kid who has to have one more story.  One more drink of water.  One more trip to the bathroom.  One last round of goodnight hugs...  Eventually you can get them to bed and maybe to sleep - often well past what you had intended.  Then comes round two.  They show up as many times as you will let them with one more request...

   The first thing to remind yourself is that you are in charge.  This doesn't mean being a tyrant, but it does mean tough love sometimes.  Set limits.  With penalties if necessary.

   However, sometimes the extra trips back in to see you have a purpose.  Something may be bugging your child and they aren't quite ready to tell you yet.  For my special child, it has ranged from needing a parental signature on something to concerns about a friend.  Deal with all of it, trying really, really, really hard not to loose your temper.  Some concerns can be handled quickly - they might just need us to reassure them that a "friends" tale isn't true.  Other things may require further action in the morning.
   Also, the child stalling to go to sleep could be tied to their decreased need for sleep.  Just like a child will eventually outgrow the need for an afternoon nap (darn!), as they get older their bodies can stay awake longer.  With my kids it was trial and error.  We would tell them (often after they had asked for an extra half hour) that we would try it out, but if they were groggy and unable to handle their responsibilities (school) then back to the prior time.  That went for staying up late reading too.  If my kids were able to function with less sleep, then I would let them.

2.  Avoiding chores, homework, etc.  The first thing to figure out (if you can) is why your child is avoiding something they are supposed to be doing.  Does he or she find the work boring?  Is there something they think is more important to do? Do they just not want to do it?  Are there other stressors going on that make this less important?  Or is it too hard and they need help understanding?  And then there is the rare child who is strong willed enough that they decide that they get to make the decisions.

   Knowing why helps with the solution.  You may need to take extra time to explain something.  If this happens a lot, you may need to talk to the teacher about it.  Could be a warning sign of a learning disability.  Or just a bad teacher.

   Techniques vary, based on the child and their age.  For smaller children the chart on the fridge with gold stars (or whatever) seems to work well.  Tie that to a good reward and you could have a solid positive reinforcement.  For older kids, a contract may help.  No chores, no $.  By the way, we called it a salary, not an allowance, based on the practice from my childhood.  Good reports from teachers should certainly call for positive reinforcement.  Penalties can include taking away privileges.  Figure out your kid and figure out what works.

3.  Not being able to find things.    The real purpose of this one is to make you find something they've lost.  I'm busy enough, I don't need additional work.  My mother taught me a trick.  She told me to quickly notice where things are in a room.  Then when someone starts asking where something specific is, you hopefully have note where you last saw it.  Makes you look amazing.

   So, when my child stated, "I can't find X."  I often could tell them where it is.  I had one child who couldn't find things, even with my directions.  The problem was that he wasn't willing to pick stuff up that had fallen on top of the missing item.  After unearthing the missing object exactly where I said it was too many times, I decided on a plan of operation.  I explained to that child that if I had to walk over to help him find the missing object and it was where I said it was, then he owed me a chore.  The logic was that since I had to stop what I was doing to help him, he could help me.  By the time he owed me about 5 chores he decided to start picking things up.  I did get my chores, btw.

4.  Wearing you down.  I saved the best for last.  This is the kid (or children, they can work in tandem) who asks you for something and won't take as final any answer that isn't what they want.  Any thing you saw, any reason you give, they will have an answer for.  Or an excuse.  Anything to get their result.  The wearing you down factor is amazing.  Parents will often give it, just to shut their kids up.

   Don't fall for it!  You are letting them be in control.  Personally I have little or no patience for this technique.  Especially since it puts them in control.  So I worked out a compromise.  Granted, I had to wait until they were old enough to reason with to implement it, but for us it worked.

   What we worked out was this:  If they did not like a decision I made, they could ask me, politely, once and only once to change my mind.  On my side I had to commit to honestly thinking about what they had asked.  And if  it was reasonable, I would change my mind.  However, once I had come up with my second ruling, they could not ask again.  Asking again would result in penalties.  They exception was, of course, safety issues.  It took a few times, but we got used to it and it worked.

   Our deal did not work for their father.  My daughter was especially successful in getting her way with him, but then, the strongest bone in her body as always been the little finger she has her dad wrapped around.

   

There are a lot more traps and tricks kids use, these are just the top 4 in my house.  Be creative in how you deal with yours.  Include your kids in the solution finding process if you can.  It helps if they think they are helping with the decisions.  But you need to stay in charge and keep your eye on the goal of creating decent adults.