Momma Sandy Says
Discipline
I have a few main points about discipline. Then I'll talk about details.
1. You MUST discipline the children you are responsible for. If you don't, you will have unmanageable children who assume they are in charge of the world. Then you will have unmanageable adults who will be a source of heart break to you and others.
2. When and how to discipline has many variables.
3. When in doubt, bring in the professionals.
1. I don't think I need to add much to this point. A child who cannot self discipline is a train wreck and will only get worse. Spoiled is probably the kindest term I can think of. Don't be the parent who others feel sorry for!
2. How and when to discipline is a big topic. Let me start by saying that every child needs to be trained differently. Every child. Birth order may play a role. I'll talk about that in more detail, hopefully next week. But how you train child #1 should be different from how you train #2. I'll use my own kids as an example.
My firstborn was a boy. Loved to climb and get into things. Not inclined to clean. Or remember to do what he was told. Him I had to discipline quite a bit. But I was consistent and we all survived. His younger sister watched and tried to avoid her brothers problem areas. She had her own areas of discipline need, but nowhere near as often as her brother. Seemingly a good child. Mostly I think she just wanted to avoid the punishments. Often all I had to do with her was a firm talking to. My son needed explanations often, as to why what he wanted to do was a bad idea. Exhausting.
Every child is different. Just like every child has a different learning style, so every child has a different discipline style. And to make it harder, what worked when they were 5 won't work when they are 12, and especially won't work when they are 15!
My first advice is to start early. Babies naturally think they are the center of the universe. That is a good time to gently teach them that maybe they always aren't. Getting them to go to sleep on their own can be a major battle, but it's only the first one. Your children will challenge you for supremacy of the household as often as they can.
Like puppies, children need to be disciplined as soon as possible after the offense, especially if they are really young. It's much easier for a child to "tune you out" later on. But if at all possible, never let it spill over to the next day. The further from the time of the offense, the more energy you have to expend in getting your child to understand the severity of the offense.
I do need to state here that equality is important, especially if you have more than one child. If you punish kid #1 for an offense, then you had better punish kid #2 for the same offense. You may not be able to discipline them the same way, but, especially if you have smart kids, you had better have a good explanation for the difference. The phrase, "Because she's a girl or boy" should never be heard.
How to discipline? Theories change from year to year. When I was a kid, corporal punishment (the whole ruler to hand or behind) was no longer allowed. But what is called corporal punishment was still the norm in families. Mom used her hand (although her real weapon was her voice), but real punishment came from dad and his belt. That hurt! By the time was a parent that was considered wrong, though there were some who advocated use of a wooden spoon to behind (never made sense to me and far to damaging). Mostly you were supposed to discipline through reason and discussion.
I'm to practical a parent. I left the verbal punishment to my husband who was an attorney. I handled most of the day to day discipline anyway. When my kids were old enough (say 5) they would get 3 swats on their bare behinds with my bare hand. It hurt both of us. I forced myself to stop at 3. Kept me under control as well. The exception was if they lied to me as well. They they got an additional 3 swats. And a strong verbal explanation of what they had done and why it was wrong. For many years it worked. I probably would get reported to Child Protective Service now.
I'm not saying you should discipline the way I did. But don't be afraid to go against the popular methods. Do research. But more importantly, study what works for your children.
Generally though, I am a big proponent of the carrot vs. stick method. AKA positive vs. negative reinforcement. I am also a big fan of making children aware of the consequences of their actions. I can remember conversations with my son, asking him whether he wanted to be a happy boy or a sad boy? Eventually he figured out that the happy boy route hurt less and was more rewarding.
I do believe in letting kids make choices. How else do they learn? Having clear end results of those choices is good. If I decide to do or not do X, what will happen? And most kids can figure that out. A good example is that of my son and table manners at restaurants. It's a common battle. I believe kids should be able to behave in public, as long as parents do their jobs (distracting the kids if the wait is too long, etc.). The turning point for my son was one trip to Albuquerque just before Christmas. We were in Flagstaff and it was cold. My son misbehaved beyond warning and I hauled him outside. Three swats and the customary explanation. Then back inside. Later on he explained his thought process. "There I was, my butt was sore, mom was mad at me, again. My food was cold, again. What could I do to avoid this, again?" A moment of enlightenment, "Oh, I could behave when we're out for food!" And mostly he did. I'll talk in a later blog of how we helped that process.
If you can get a child thinking about the consequences, you're halfway there. Misbehavior at heart is a cry of "I want to do what I want to do!"
3. When to bring in the experts? The clear answer is, when everything you've tried isn't working. It might not be you or your methods. There are kids who need more expert help. Certainly special needs kids need special help. Don't be afraid to get help if you need it!
Or maybe it's just one particular issue that's beyond you. Help can come from school, church, or even via your (or their) doctor.
Enough for now. Lots more I can write about, but that will have to come later.
No comments:
Post a Comment