Momma Sandy Says
Gender Roles and Trendy Parenting
As you may have figured out, I'm a big believer in practicality and moderation. I am not fond of "out there" theories of child raising. However, some folks are firm believers, so I try to be patient and learn from them.
A while ago I spent some time with a woman who is what I would call a "trendy parent." Her children never had commercially made baby food. They took part in play groups of like minded parents. The children had alternative medicine health care professionals, as well as regular doctors. I think they were attending a private school as well. This woman was a True Believer. She was convinced that she was raising her children the way she should. I did not have the heart to tell her that her kids were still going to eat junk food, play unapproved video games, and have their own lives as soon as they could.
I believe in practical parenting. If you feel strongly about a child raising topic, then raise your kid the way you are convinced. But please, please, please, don't force your beliefs on the rest of us! Be prepared for your child to reject your beliefs. Sometimes you get lucky and they stay in the fold, but you have to be prepared for the alternatives.
Yeah, I sometimes have to remind myself to be patient with trendy parents.
A friend reminded me recently about gender inequality that starts from the cradle. And she's right. The good news is that it's getting better. The bad news is that equality still has a way to go. Now I'm not some radical, liberal feminist. But I do believe that women should not be paid less, or be refused jobs because a man "needed the job." That still happens, by the way.
Here's some examples of the positive from my families. My grandmother was a suffragette. She lived to be able to vote. That was a huge thing. In her lifetime women went from being property to being citizens with some rights. My ex-husband's great grandmother lost her children when her husband died. She was with her parents at the time. When she came back everything was sold and her children were in an orphanage. All perfectly legal at the time.
My mother-in-law was the first female insurance agent of her area. It took her forever to buy her own home. Almost every time the bank saw the blank space where it said "Husband" she was denied a loan. Much later she opened up her own business and has been a successful business owner and solid member of her community. It was not easy for her.
Today there is supposed equality in the work force, but the glass ceiling is still in place in many jobs and industries. All of it is slowly getting better. How can we, as parents help?
The big thing we can do is to teach our children well. Start with toys. Is it ok in your household for your daughter to want to build things? Or is it ok for your son to want to cook and clean and play with dolls? Do not assume your child is going to become a homosexual because of their childhood play preferences!! That daughter could become an architect or a construction worker. Or even a set builder or designer. That son could become a famous chef. Or an efficiency expert. Or even a writer. Give your children the freedom to explore, away from your generation's gender roles.
Your children will tell you what they want to play with. And as they get older, their peers will influence their toy choices. Be flexible. But remember, you are the parents and need to keep them away from choices that are against your family values. For example, a family that abhors violence will not tolerate weapons, especially guns. A family of historical reenactors will have weapons (including black powder depending on the era being recreated). Those families will teach their children to leave the real weapons alone and will teach the children how to safely "fight" with practice weapons. I love watching the children of Viking reenactors I know. Their kids fight each other with wooden practice swords safely and have a lot of fun doing it.
What your kids believe about gender stereotypes (as well as stereotypes of all kinds) starts with you. Do you believe that boys should play sports and girls play with dolls? You may need to rethink that. My son, as a kid, was far to cerebral to play organized sports. He'd be out in left field inventing a time machine. He lasted one season, barely. My daughter, on the other hand, loved baseball and played 6 years. She got stuck with softball, since girls didn't play baseball in our town, but she still had a great time. Set your own stereotypes aside, as best you can.
When my son was a teenager, he had a bunch of friends over (usual) and the girls of the group convinced him to let them paint his toe nails. A teen aged boy will let pretty girls talk him into almost anything. He ended up with 10 different colors. I laughed. My ex hit the roof when he found out. To him, that was too close to homosexuality. Off came the polish. My son was wise enough to understand why his dad reacted as he did, but it did make us sad. You have to take the time to understand the circumstances and not let your own stereotypes color your judgement.
I will say that it is possible for parents to take the gender non-stereotyping too far (in my opinion). Periodically I read about parents who try to raise their child genderless. The explanation given is usually that they want their child to choose what their gender is, not society. Excuse me? Unless your child is born with both body parts, they have a specific gender to start with. The problem is not what gender your child is, it's what roles they want to play and how gender stereotyping affects that.
Now a 95 pound girl cannot realistically plan to be an NFL linebacker. Nor can a 250 pound 6 foot white guy realistically become a petite Japanese girl (I actually have met one of those). Reality does come into play here. But generally, both women and men should be able to work at the jobs they choose. And we should not force our children into gender roles we are comfortable with.
There is one exception. If parents have strong convictions about roles of males and females in their society, they they should teach those. And again, be prepared for their children to reject those roles.
I never said it was easy to be a parent.
Ok, I'm getting off my soap box now.
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