Chapter 1 Planning
The holiday season is supposed to be one of the happiest times of the year. Yet why are so many people stressed during it? Or to be specific, why was I finding myself so stressed out that I couldn't enjoy my favorite time of year? The simple fact is that during that short span from Thanksgiving thru New Years we have more going on and are trying to do more than any other time of year.
A long time ago a wise person taught me to break big tasks down into smaller, more manageable ones. Applying this to the holiday stressors was a really good idea for me. Let's break some of this down.
I find using a Master Calendar to be really useful. Some things I know by experience when to plug them in. When to mail Christmas cards (and breaking that down further, goals for buying, addressing, and preparing said cards) and when to buy my Christmas tree are good examples. I'll talk more about those two items in their own sections. Various events can get filled in the Master Calendar as the dates become available.
What events? Let's look at the possibilities:
Work: Does your company (or that of your Significant Other) have an event during the holidays? If so, That's most likely a Must Attend event. Do your parents own a business and expect you to attend their holiday parts (and probably help?). Again. Put the date in the MC (Master Calendar).
School: If you are still attending school it's likely that you will have finals and/or major projects due at some point during the holidays. Put that stuff in the MC. Great excuse, BTW, to skip events you'd rather avoid.
If you have kids, there's probably a school program or two. Make sure you write down any rehearsal dates as well. Useful also is noting down when the kids are out of school and what their first day back is.
Church/Synagogue/Mosque/Coven, etc.: If you are active spiritually, there's most likely some activities during the season. Turns out that most of the world's religions do something around the winter solstice. Watch also for programs that include the kids. Rehearsal dates again.
Social Groups: Belong to Kiwanis? Lions Club? Scouting (you or your kids)? A D&D type gaming group? Historical re-enactor? Take part in local theater? A local sports team? Are you part of a LARP? The list is almost endless. We do a lot of things. And don't forget the group of friends you've been doing stuff with for a long time. If an event is organized, put it on the MC.
Family: This is the group that can cause the most stress for us. A lot of the above groups include events that we attend because we want to. But this is family. TRADITION is a big thing. If you just imagined Tevye from "Fiddler on the Roof" you've got the right idea. Luckily traditions change, eventually. Here's an example from my family: My mom was the youngest of 7 siblings. All the family (except two of the siblings) moved out to CA. So every year on the weekend closest to Christmas there was a big family celebration. Every sibling out here took turns hosting the event. So that meant some years we had a 5 hour drive. But it was a lot of fun and no one complained. Much. That ended when my Grandfather died. The siblings still visited each other, but at other times of the year. The Tradition morphed into Christmas Eve at my mom's (after my parent's divorce). It was written in stone for many years that I had to spend Christmas Eve at Mom's, unless I was traveling out-of-state or I was in the hospital. And I'd still better call. That changed when mom moved to another state. She became part of another tradition, the Out-of-State Christmas visits.
Ok, we have established that there are potentially a lot of holiday events out there. Prioritize! If there are 3 events the same night, decide which one you want to go to. Here's another important word - Negotiation. In a perfect world all these holiday events would schedule themselves so that they wouldn't conflict. Not going to happen. Holiday planning takes careful negotiation. Start early. Labor Day may be too late for family stuff.
Here's some examples: You know from prior years that both of your families like to do the Christmas Eve thing. You've learned the hard way that trying to do both is exhausting and makes Christmas Day much harder for you. Thanksgiving is the same way. Why not alternate? Thanksgiving at one, Christmas Eve at the other? Switch for the next year. I know someone who once had 4 Thanksgiving dinners on the same day. Don't think he's going to do that again.
A conflict might arise when one child has an event they are dying to attend, but it's the same time as a Must Attend event. Can one parent go with said child to the kids event and the rest to the other? BTW, the child now owes the parents.
It seems that most families have one person who is an organizer. If you're lucky, that person is competent. I know of one family organizer who is super efficient, but he always organizes so that the events are perfect for him but not particularly the rest of the family. The rest of the family has to keep an eye on him.
Time to summarize before going on the specific people groups. Holiday stress will happen. The key is to organize ahead a time. Keep a Master Calendar. Keep it updated. As you become aware of events, put them in the MC. Prioritize. Negotiate as needed.
Specific People Groups
Singles: Probably the easiest of the people groups to schedule. You only have to deal with your own family and the social groups you want to deal with and work.
With a Significant Other or Spouse, no kids: Welcome to the world of dealing with family expectations. Now you have to deal with twice the holidays plans. Whose house do you go to on Christmas Eve? Christmas Day? What if parental/family units live in different states? How can we survive this without going crazy? MC, prioritize, and negotiate. Ask, "What events are the most important for us to attend?" When I was first married I got lucky. My family wanted Christmas Eve and his wanted us for Christmas morning. Problem solved. For then. Be flexible!
Divorce: Divorce complicates everything. Lots of negotiations with people who may not be entirely rational. If it's mom and dad who are divorcing, the kids should be able to spend time with both parents (certain exceptions apply, of course). If you are a divorced person with young children reading this-lay off the guilt trips and the games for the holiday season! Do it right for the kids sake!
I was lucky. I was 18 when divorced happened to my parents instead of being a kid. Instant double Christmas stuff. Not fun. We worked it out, but I don't ever want to have to go through anything like that again! For couples just starting out divorce is a logistical nightmare. By the time I was married two of our 4 parents had remarried, making our holiday planning a 4 part series of negotiations. Try to talk things out. The odds are that there will be some hurt feelings somewhere (especially with recent divorces), but do your best.
With small children: Congratulations, you've survived the family holiday circus up to now, but babies and small children complicate things a lot. Traveling from one place to another is not so easy now. Babies require a lot of stuff. Will there be room for the packages? Does the child(ren) travel well? Are they teething? Depending on the child and how they are feeling, traveling around to see all the family and friends may not be possible, or sane. If you are traveling, having a kid means you can leave early if the kid gets cranky. Or you are cranky.
The key point to remember is that you have the attraction. Babies are a trump card for many families. You might consider hosting a family event yourself. Your family in Christmas morning, the other half in for Christmas dinner. It does give you a bit more control over who comes over and when. And kids are often more at ease at home. Note: hire a cleaning service beforehand if you do this. Trust me.
I'll talk more about kids and the holidays another day, but the short version is that you will need to adjust the family plans to meet the needs of your children. A sick child should never be hauled to a holiday event. Never.
With older children: Once children reach their teens their friends are very, very, very important to them (did I put in enough verys?). Sometimes seemingly more important than family. It may be hard to force a teen to visit Aunt Martha, even though he's gone every year since birth. He'd much rather be with friends. Since most holiday events happen during non school times, some compromises should work. Offer a suitable bribe, I mean positive reinforcement for a visit to Aunt Martha. A negative reinforcement, like extra chores can work too.
Seniors: This is an odd time of life. Gradually holiday events will be shifted away from your house (and control). Go with the flow. It means you don't have to do all that extra holiday cleaning. Seniors may or may not still have a place of power in the family dynamic. Wise children will include their aging parents in the planning stages as much as the parents are able. If needed, the now adult children should provide transportation. Remember all the rides they gave you!
If you are the senior, be gracious. Let your children take over aspects of the holiday season, just as your parents let you when it was time. If you can, volunteer to teach younger family members how to make specific family recipes. If you can, write down what holiday celebrations were like when you were younger. Seniors have a lot of wisdom to pass on. Do it while you can.
I do apologize for the length of this. The other chapters will be shorter. Let me know what you think.
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