Family Stories
My Cousin Pam
I do apologize. I had planned on posting this blog last Thursday. I have a really good excuse. Thursday was my day to prep and pack to go out of town for my daughter's wedding. My mom was having a bad day, so everything got delayed. So here, is the tale of my cousin, Pamela
Pam was born in November of 1945. She was the second born of all us cousins. Mary Margaret beat her by 10 months, and Patrick was born 7 months later. Pam's parents were Ralph and Bette. I don't know if I explained my Uncle Ralph clearly enough yet. He was brilliant, intellectually. And a talented musician. He mostly played upright bass. He only needed to sleep 4-6 hours a night. He got along well with most people. He was very well liked by his band mates, and he played with several of the major big bands of the day. And he had a very broad streak of mischief. Really broad. His wife Bette was practical, fun loving, but volatile. Theirs was a very passionate relationship. Everyone knew to go home once the plates started flying.
Despite the fact that Pam was not a musician, she was a mix of both her parents. She wasn't as volatile as her mom, but she clearly had her dad's sense of mischief. She and her cousin Pat got in so much trouble when the family got together. Together with Pat's sister Colleen, those 3 would come up with some of the best and worst ideas of things to do. And Mary Margaret would be there saying it was a bad idea and that she was going to tell her parents. They used to call her "Miss Goody Two Shoes."
When they moved to CA, Ralph started going to college. His goal was to become a doctor. He attended USC under their Doctor of Osteopathy program. After he graduated, the family moved down to San Diego where he did his internship. Those were most of Pam's teen years.
Unfortunately, I don't think Pam got to finish high school in San Diego. Ralph moved them up to Fresno (in the heart of the Central Valley) for his residency. Pam started college in the area. I'm not sure when in all this her parents separated and divorced. It was messy. Grandpa Vincent had died in 1961. Ralph moved back down to San Diego (with Grandma Ruth) to start his practice. Bette stayed in Fresno for a while, eventually moving to Santa Rosa, where she lived the rest of her life.
While in college Pam, of course, dated. One of the men she dated was named Mickey. If they had dated a few years later, when "the pill" was more available, they would have broken up and lived happy lives with other people. Unfortunately, Pam didn't have the option of better birth control and she became pregnant. As Pam told me years later, "I didn't know you didn't have to marry the guy!"
Her marriage to Mickey was a disaster. The only good thing about it was their daughter, Paige. They finally divorced. Mickey married a woman who was much better for him and the 3 of them worked pretty well in raising Paige. Pam was always happy that Mickey found someone that suited him.
There is one funny family story concerning Pam's pregnancy and marriage. One time Mom was talking to Pam and found out that Pam was upset that Aunt Louise was being unkind about Pam having to marry. This rather irked my mom. You don't do that to family! So mom reminded Pam about when Louise's firstborn Chris was born. Then she told Pam Louise's true wedding date. I can just see Pam counting on her fingers and coming up with the fact that, whether she knew it or not, Louise was probably pregnant when she went down the aisle. Mom told Pam to ignore Louise from now on.
Newly divorced with a very young child, and with divorced parents, Pam faced some tough decisions. With the aplomb she showed throughout her life, Pam left college for good and got a job-with the telephone company. Now back then there were no cell phone companies on every block. There were no cell phones. No cable either. No internet. Telephone service was with wires hooded up to the wall. And there was a near monopoly on who controlled phone service. The company Pam went to work for was a part of the same phone company that our Uncle Everett, back on Staten Island worked for. Somehow the two of them found that out and began a friendship that lasted for many years. Since it didn't cost them to call each other, they did. I think the two of them helped the other to survive the hardships each faced.
Pam worked for the telephone company until her early retirement. She told us that the only job or status (besides management) that she hadn't done was that of lineman. Although she was one of the tallest of the female cousins, she just didn't have the body strength.
Pam wasn't lucky in love. One man she dated, and almost married was a therapist who didn't like children. That was the kiss of death for Pam. Love me, love my kid as well. There was one man, J, that we all liked a lot. He was good for her too. Unfortunately J fell into alcoholism. Pam broke off with him romantically, though they remained friends. I think she was the reason he finally went into rehab. The last time I saw J he had been sober for many years.
Although they lived in the same city, Santa Rosa, and Bette helped raise Paige, Pam and Bette had an up and down relationship. Bette was still a passionate woman and she wasn't always easy to deal with. Impossible for Pam to live with once she reached adulthood. But they were close.
Because of that closeness it was hard for Pam to stay connected with her father. Ralph lived close to 500 miles away. And he had his own life. It was especially hard for Pam when Ralph married soon after his divorce. And when that woman died, married the best friend. I think it wasn't until Ralph had been single for several years and then married his head nurse that things settled down. Bette never forgave Ralph. She remained bitter about the divorce. But Pam and Paige were able to reconnect with her dad and were there as much as they could be for his final illness.
After her retirement from the phone company, Pam lived her life to please herself. During the holiday season she worked as a driver for UPS. During the rest of the year she worked for the state parks system. I remember when she was the bus driver for the visitors at Angel Island. It was mostly during weekends. She and the crew would take the boat over and stay on the island. Returning on their days off. I didn't get to see her during that time, but my mom did. Mom said it was probably the happiest she had seen Pam. Later on I did see her, working as a ranger at one of the smaller CA parks. It was the off season, so she did a lot of maintenance.
It's hard to write about Pam's death. Mostly because I don't know enough. I suspect she had diabetes, like so much of the family. I also suspect she was an alcoholic, which is deadly for a diabetic. What I do know is that Pam asked my mom to come up to Santa Rosa to help Bette while Pam went into rehab. Once Pam was out she would take care of her mom again. Bette at that time (which mom didn't know until she got there) an uncontrolled diabetic. Mom was there for about 6 months. And it was 6 months of hell. Pam finally got out and mom left the next day to come live with me. Mom was in shell shock. Pam tried to get Bette into a senior nursing home, but Bette wouldn't go. The stress of all that put Pam back into the hospital where she died a few months later. Some of my cousins went up to see her. I wasn't able to, and I wish now I had. Or maybe not. I have my memories of Pam as the brave, fun, loving leader of us cousins. Losing her has still left a hole in my heart. Paige took over care of Bette. Paige was married by now, helping her husband raise his kids. Bette and Paige's relationship was very different and Paige was able to get Bette into a nursing home where she was happy until her death a few years later.
And so ends my tale of my amazing cousin Pam
No comments:
Post a Comment