Mamma Sandy Says - Take time for You

Momma Sandy Says

Take Time for Both of You

   Raising kids is hard work.  That is, if you want to do it right.  I have no idea how some people handle their schedules:  work full time, raise kids full time, dealing with extended family stuff, health issues, and maybe a hobby or two.  Oh yeah, and keeping a house clean and dealing with all the other "wife" stuff.  I only worked  limited part time and it was hard.  Luckily for me, taking care of my parents didn't happen until much later.  

   Dealing with all that can be horribly hard on a relationship.  And if the relationship is not where it's supposed to be, the rest won't be either.  I've heard too many stories, and the statistics verify this, that when there is crisis in the family, especially concerning the kids, marriages suffer.  Too often, if one child is seriously ill, or even dies, the stress of that can break up a marriage.  How can you avoid that?  I am assuming that you are in a good marriage, one that needs to stay together.  If it's a bad or abusive marriage, then get out of it.  But good mariages, how do you handle the stressors of life and stay together?

   One of the first keys is for the couple to talk to each other.  Really talk, and not just about the kids.  While the kids are awake that may not be possible.  And after they're finally asleep you may only have the energy to go to sleep yourselves.  So you may have to schedule time to talk to each other.  Even if it's just a 20 minute phone call during the work day.  Use this time to talk about the important stuff - not that the pipes are backing up into the shower, again.  Though that is important too.  Tell each other how you feel (OMG, talk about feelings!) about what is going on.

   In my marriage, one of the good things we did was to talk about what was going on, and to make decisions jointly (as much as possible) and we always back each other up.  If one of us had to make a spur of the moment decision (especially concerning the kids) the other was solid behind it  Now behind closed doors there may have been words, but there was always a united front.

  We decided jointly when to buy things, often going together to get them.  Vacations were talked out together.  Later on, when the kids were older, we included them in the decision making process.  It was important to them that they had a say as well.  Because we were a Christian family, prayer was part of this as well.

   My next point is that you should take time for each other.  I believe that "Date Night" is important for couples with kids.  If you don't have a reliable baby sitter, or a family member willing to help out occasionally, check locally.  The last two towns I've lived in have hosted "Parents Night Out" where kids could have a safe, fun time while the parents had time together.  It doesn't have to be amazing.  A hot dog while sitting at a park bench can be a lot of fun.  Take the time to rediscover why you married this person.  You thought they were amazing then, I'm pretty sure they're still amazing, just tired.

   I read a book several years ago that I consider important in understanding your spouse.  It's called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.  Don't let the Christian base turn you off.  It's well thought out.  Just as people learn in different ways, people express love in different ways.  For you two to understand this is really important.  For example, I had noted that the husband of my niece tended to show his love by serving, or caring for his wife.  Recently he arranged for her to randomly have a pedicure on her day off.  He took the time to make sure her schedule was clear, and that it was something she would like.  She was thrilled and bragged to all of us.  Good job!

  I think the final points for tonight are to be flexible and to plan ahead (as much as you are able).  Flexibility is essential for surviving parenthood.  Learning not to laugh when you shouldn't-necessary.  Learning not to show shock and being appalled - also necessary.  Save the shocked and appalled for when you really need it.  There will be multiple opportunities.  I usually have a plan for the day.  I call it Plan A.  But then life happens and I have to alter the plan.  As a parent, I would often be into Plan M or R by the end of the day.  You learn to be less rigid.  Choose you battles is a good bit of advise.

   Planning ahead to some degree is wise.  Just like you save money for a specific vacation, or have health insurance.  What would you do if one of you had to fly out of state to take care of a sick parent for a few weeks?  Talk about possibilities.  What if work requires one of you out of the area?  For an extended time?  Do both of you have the skills or information necessary to keep the family running?  Who puts away the important paperwork?  And where is it?

So there you have a few of my ideas on how to take time to keep your relationship together.  I ran across a woman not that long ago who had a child with largely uncontrolled type 1 diabetes.  What a nightmare.  The couples entire life, for several years was centered around keeping that child monitored and alive.  She gave herself a massive case of sleep deprivation caring for her child.   No time at all for her husband.  Her son survived, but she's only now recovering medically herself (2 years later) and her marriage is dead.  I wish they could have gotten the help they needed.  Maybe their marriage could have survived.

Don't let your relationships crash and burn because you're too busy dealing with life and caring for your kids.  Stay in love.  You don't want to be that couple who look at each other once the kids are gone and wonder who each other is.