Mamma Sandy Says
Tantrums and the Like
First, I want to apologize for the delay. It is my intention to publish Mondays and Thursdays. Sometimes life gets in the way.
This is a continuation on my thoughts about discipline. Or, Who's in charge? I want to look at tantrums, the "I hate yous!", and anger issues.
Tantrums will happen. As will the others listed. It's how you manage them that determines how long those behaviors go on and your levels of sanity.
My definition of a tantrum is similar to a "melt down." A melt down is when a child has had enough and is unable to continue. Overtired, over stimulated, stuff like that will cause a child to just be unable to function. They may focus on something they want, whether or not they can have it. A wise parent will plan ahead for this to avoid it. But sometimes that's not possible and you just have to take some time out to help the child bring him or herself back down to a functioning level.
But full on tantrums are different. This is defiant behavior. The "I won'ts". It may even involve kicking and screaming and collapsing on the floor. Something you don't want to deal with at any time, especially not in public. Once you rule out potential melt down, you have to deal with the fact that this behavior is another saga in the Who's in Charge battle. It's an escalation. The child is looking for something to help them get their way. When they were really small, kicking up a fuss brought about desired results. Will it now?
If you can, stop this behavior the first time. Your job is to train your child that tantrums are not an effective form of control. It won't work on you and it will probably have negative consequences for the child. The sooner you can get this through your child's mind, the happier you all will be. And the rest of us will be grateful.
Failure to stop this behavior early will result in continued examples. And in worse locations. And you may be doing it right and someone else, like an Aunt is giving in. You have to make it clear that tantrums are not acceptable behavior. And will have consequences. I made it simple to my kids. You can be a happy kid or a sad kid.
When you do handle this situation you cannot do this in anger. You have to keep your temper. And be logical. There are a variety of methods to use. Inform the child in a clear, firm manner that their current behavior is not good. Use language appropriate to the age. Inform them that they will certainly not get their way in this matter, and if they continue, there will be punishment. Stick to your guns! Do not give in! If you are home, have the child go to their room. Carry them there if needed. They are not behaving in a manner fit for the company of others. Sometimes ignoring the child works. One time when I was a child and I wouldn't stop, my father tossed me, clothes and all, into the shower and turned on the cold water.
After the child has calmed own, possibly even the next day, talk to them about their behavior. make it very clear that you will not tolerate that behavior again, or any variant. Make sure you and your spouse (or other caregivers) are all on the same page on this. Once a child knows that this will not work, and in fact has negative consequences, they will often stop it. They may try it again, just to check, but stand your ground!
The "I hate yous". This is a form of behavior that I really, really don't like. And didn't tolerate. As a parent, the effect of this on us is devastating. And the child probably knows it. It usually seems to be connected with anger. The child is angry (often because they didn't get their way or were just punished, or both) and so lashes out to hurt the parent. The child really doesn't hate their parent, though they are probably really angry at them at that point. If you ask them at that moment, they will insist that they really do hate that parent. As a parent, we have to understand that their concept of hate is quite different from ours. They mean to wound us, because we made them angry.
I did not allow my children to say this. I didn't allow much disrespect either. The first time I caught my children talking about how they hated something I would start a conversation about what the word "Hate" really meant and how they should use another word. So my children could talk about how they didn't like certain vegetables, but they couldn't say they hated them.
The one time my child used that phrase thy got the raised eyebrows and me commenting something along the lines that I thought they needed to rephrase their statement. We walked through their understanding that they were angry with me. I could accept that.
Anger issues have a lot of potential causes. There could be psychological baggage. Go talk to the experts if you can't defuse your child's anger episodes.
My son was having a hard time controlling his anger. He would manifest it by wanting to break things. Not acceptable. Talking to him about it wasn't doing any good. Wanting to avoid juvenile hall in the future, I took a different tack. One day he started an angry fit. I moved him to his room and closed the door. It was just him and me. He was so angry that he decided he needed to break toys. Before I had stopped him. This time I calmly asked him if that was what he really wanted to do, since broken toys are no longer usable? He insisted, so I let him break some of his toys. Eventually the heat of the moment was over and he stopped. After assuring him of my love, I showed him what he had done. It was a moment of revelation for him, especially since some of the toys he broke had been his favorites. Then he was ready to start trying to control his temper. And we were able to have him try different techniques until he found ones that worked for him.
In my experience, a lot of behavioral problems are fixable, but the child has to be willing. If you can get the child to understand why you are wanting him or her to change their behavior, you're almost there. Children can be rational, but you have to be willing to work with them.
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