Momma Sandy Says - Grief

Momma Sandy Says

Grief

   Grief is something we all have to deal with at various times in our lives.  It affects children too.  Here are some ideas about how to help your children get through those times.

   First, let's look at what is causing the grief.  It doesn't have to be the death of a person.  It can be the death of a pet.  Or the loss or destruction of a favored toy.  I remember grieving when my favorite teddy-rabbit  was finally too worn to continue keeping.  That stuffed friend had been with me through some tough times!  Respect the cause of their grief.  You may know that they will forget the loss of a few Lego pieces after a while, but for now, the grief is real and respect that.

Understand that you are the parent.  Sometimes you have to set aside your own pain to help your child.  Don't forget to take time for your own grief, but your children need help that sometimes you are the only one that can provide.  This includes not striking out at your children, physically or verbally, just because you are grieving.  That's important.

Do not judge your children because they aren't grieving when you think they should, or the amount you think they should.  Like all of us, each one of them will respond differently to loss.  It could be that they don't understand what death means.  It could be that they just aren't as close to the person who has died.  It could be that they understand, but they've made a conscious  decision not to think about it right now. Or it could just be that the game they're currently playing is more important to them.

Special needs kids have specific needs during grieving times.  What comes to mind first is the autism spectrum.  These children honestly do not understand the social clues and do not know how to act appropriately.  If you know this to be the case, don't take them to the funeral, or if you do so, make arrangements to be able to take them away from the crowd as needed.

   

The age of a child and their ability to comprehend is important when dealing with grief.  How you explain death and death rituals will vary.  Look for a "teachable moment" to explain death, preferably when you yourself are not dealing with it.  A teachable moment can be when you child asks about death or heaven.  Or when someone they don't really know (relative of a classmate or such) dies.  With that explanation in place, it makes it easier to explain to your child when it is an emotion laden death.

Side note:  Once your child does understand about death and death rituals be prepared for pet funerals.  To your child, that pet deserves a proper send off and the ability to grieve.  But also be prepared for a quick recovery.  Have a snack ready for after the "funeral."

So what do you tell your child about death?  A lot of that depends on your own spiritual beliefs.  I was raised Christian, so I grew up with the concepts of heaven and hell and going to a better place.  For me as an adult, that helps.  Use words and concepts that are clear and that they will understand.  Age appropriate.  I personally don't like the idea of teaching really young children that Grandma might go to hell now that she's dead.  If my step mother (who my children named The Wicked Witch) had died while she was still married to my dad, I probably would have told my children that she was now in God's hands.

Teach your children what is appropriate behavior at a funeral.  If you know they may have problems with sitting still that long, either don't bring them, or make arrangements to be able to take them away for a time.

If it's going to be an open casket funeral, don't bring your children unless it's a family imperative.  I had to go through that as a child and it took me a long time to remember that person as they were before death.  Try to avoid unnecessary emotional scarring.

But don't sugar coat death either.  It does mean that someone you care for is gone.  You will not see them again in this world.  That's not fun.  It hurts.  And that's ok.

Try to balance the traditions of the family with the emotional needs of your child.  Do what's best for them.  I remember a counseling session where I was trying to help a school age child who's family took her through post-Katrina Louisiana for a family funeral.  Seeing the damage from the hurricane made the funeral experience so much worse for that child.  She was dealing with nightmares, couldn't concentrate in school, etc.  Could have been avoided!!!

   Watch for the symptoms above.  If your child is having problems after a family death, get them help.  

I guess the bottom line is:  use your brains and don't let your own grief overwhelm you own common sense!

Here's a story to illustrate several points I've been making.  Many years ago, in the middle of a birthday party for my son, we got a phone call telling us that a beloved grandmother had died out of state.  We would have to leave early the next morning to be there in time for the services.  There was no way we wouldn't go.  Hazel had loved our son the only time she met him (though she was looking forward to us having a daughter.  I think she foresaw the one we have.).  Despite our grief and the lack of time, we did not cancel the party.  In fact, I kept it going while my husband made our reservations and packed.  Soon after the guest left and I packed for my son and I.

   The funeral was rough for us, but we had to remember our son.  He was too young to remember Hazel or even to understand what was going on.  During the graveside portion I took him for a walk away from the site, since it was my husband's grandmother.  We treated the trip like a quick visit to see relatives in that town.  He understood that people were sad, but he decided to not let it bother him.  There were new people to talk to and we had packed some new toys from our usual stash.  I don't think he even remembers the trip now, and that's alright.  Our son needed to be there, and we kept him from unnecessary emotional scarring.  And in our own way we dealt with our own needs to grieve.