Mamma Sandy Says
Sex Info and Young Children
The topic of sex is such a tricky one in America. There is a portion of the population that does not want any information to be given to children. I think the fear is that if children know the mechanics of sex, they will want to do it. The first fact is that children aren't physically capable of actual intercourse. But they can simulate sex. And they probably will, unless they are trained not to.
How do young children know about sex? Hello! Internet. And unfortunately, what's out there tends to be porn, which is not real sex. The concept of love and intimacy and often missing and what's left is just the mechanics. Something else to remember is that what is portrayed, besides lacking real relationship, can often be considered "kinky." As an adult, don't care. But children watching all of the fetish stuff? Not a good idea!
Let me set up what I consider standards. I think adults having sex with children is wrong. It's a violation of basic trust issues. Encouraging children in sexual acts, even in play, is wrong. Not keeping children safe from sexual predators is wrong.
With all that said, let's look at the lighter side of teaching our young children about sex. For me, the goal with young children is to have them view displays of affection between adults (parents being the primary example) as being normal between two people who love each other. Hugging and kissing go in this category. Extended kissing and fondling, in my opinion, should happen when private. Kids are capable of understanding that sometimes parents need time alone to let each other know how much they care for each other.
One of the stereotypes is that of parents who spend all day dealing with life stuff and want to spend time with each other, but have children. Sometimes it seems like they have to schedule time for sex. And, of course, that can be interrupted by the needs of the children.
It is possible to teach children that there are times when their parents need their own time. A lock on the parental bedroom door is a good thing-use it! It will save you a lot of embarrassment in future years. Your children need access to you, but they an also learn to postpone their needs-at least to give you time to put clothes on.
So do you explain about sex? And if so, what do you tell your children? I do want to be upfront and say that young adults need to understand about sex. What it's for, how it's done, how to prevent unwanted results, and how to avoid sex if unwanted. But I don't think young children need to understand all that.
I think that what you tell a young child about sex depends on their age, their culture, and a very large part, on the child himself (or herself). They should all understand that sex is an adult thing. Having a special person in their life (often called a boyfriend or girlfriend) is normal. And children will play that they are going to marry that person. It's a variation on children role playing being adults. Adding the concept of sex is often too much information, too soon. Let children learn about what it might mean to be "mommy and daddy" without the physical.
And let's be real. To many young children, even the idea of kissing another child seems "gross." The mechanics of sex are too gross to be believed to a child.
Not a lot of children will want to understand what sex really is. Once they understand that it is something that adults do, and they will understand it when they're older, they're usually ok. It is a rare child who feels the need for more knowledge.
Along the way I had to deal with one of those. A child I knew asked me, in all sincerity about sex. NOTE: when the child you are dealing with asks you this question seriously, find out why they are asking. What they want to know might be handled with a simple explanation. However, it also might be a case of sexual abuse.
In the case of this 5 year old, he had a girl friend and wanted to make sure he wouldn't get her pregnant. I somehow managed to keep a straight face while assuring him that at his age he was physically unable to get his friend pregnant. I also congratulated him on his concern for the well being of his girlfriend.
Not entirely assured, this young man insisted on the full explanation. Knowing him, I knew that he was intellectually able to understand the mechanics as long as I put in a few safety parameters. First I made him promise not to tell his friends. They (and their parents!) would not understand. Then I warned him that it was one of the grossest things ever. He still insisted. When he found out that sex meant putting his penis into a girls vagina he was appropriately grossed out. Problem solved, for now.
And that is so much the key. Keeping your children safe while giving them the knowledge that is appropriate for their age and maturity level.
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