Mamma Sandy Says - Middle School Years

Mamma Sandy Says

Middle School Years

   In America, the Middle School years are about 11-14 years of age.  This is one of the toughest times for parents.  Your sweet, kind child has become a teenager!  They're challenging your authority.  Their hormones are kicking in!  Help!

   Both for them and you a lot is changing.  You will need to re discuss older topics.  And there will be new topics, some of which you had never expected, to talk to them about.  For the next few weeks I hope to talk about some of them.

   One of the biggest things to them and you is the idea of respect.  Your children will tell you that respect has to be earned.  I'm not sure where that idea has come from and I'm not sure I like it.

   Hopefully you have been modeling respect for elders and for people in authority (police, etc.).  If not, apologize to them and start now.  You can't teach what you don't live yourself.

   I was raised in a time and place where respect for elders was taught.  It was also a time when "children were to be seen and not heard."  Especially at meals or public gatherings.  At home, when it was just family, I was free to talk and give my opinions, but around older adults I had to keep quiet.  It was rather frustrating.  Especially when I had so many good questions to ask!  But it was a good compromise for the time.  My ex husband was raised the same.

   When it was time to raise our own children we decided to use a variant on how we were raised.  Our children were taught to show respect to grandparents and those in authority.  They quickly figured out how much respect each grandparent or other, older family member needed or deserved.

   My parents divorced when I was 18 and soon after my marriage my father married "the other woman" in the divorce.  Not his smartest choice.  My new stepmother was awful.  Not just because she had actively tried to cause my parents divorce.  No, this was a selfish, evil woman.  We found out later that she had planned to steal everything from my dad once her retirement funds were accessible.  Just evil.

   What does one do in a situation like that?  We chose to limit visitation.  It hurt, but my father was foolishly in love with the woman.  The hard part was that I had to treat Gayle with the respect she deserved as my father's second wife.  Talk about gritting one's teeth!  But I did it.  And I taught my kids to do the same on the rare occasions we went up to visit.

   I remember my kids asking me why they had to be nice to "grandma Gayle?" My kids could see through Gayle's pretense of love for them.   Because she is the wife of my father.  We respect her role as my dad's wife.  Since we had already taught them the concept, it worked.  A policeman may be a good or bad person, we don't know sometimes, but we always have to respect the fact that he is a policemen.  So my family did the right thing and treated Gayle respectfully.  She never changed, but my kids character was formed.  I will note that as soon as my father chose to divorce Gayle there was a happy family reunion.  My kids were able to build a positive relationship with my dad.  He taught my son how to fish, and more importantly, how to be a good man.

   This lesson rolled around again after my divorce.  My ex husband found a second wife.  At first our children did not like this woman.  But I reminded them that they needed to show her the love and respect that she deserved from her position as their father's wife.  Things are better, but it's still a work in progress.

   One potential problem area is that many adults will assume that children should respect them.  In fact, they will demand respect.  Part of that is personal ego.  But it could be how they were raised.  Ask your children to talk to you when this situation happens.  Together you can probably figure out how to deal with it.

   Sooner or later your children will tell you that respect needs to be earned.  It might be a good idea to ask them how they think respect should be earned?  If they are just parroting what they have heard they might not have thought about that yet.  If they have, and can give you an answer, you might want to take the time later on to think about how you measure up.  A good challenge to your child at some point is to ask them how they think they measure up to their own standards?

   A really important thing is to respect your own children.  That will be on their list.  They see themselves as persons deserving respect - and they are!  In middle school years especially they are going to want to have more freedom.  That requires you trust them enough to respect their wishes.  Of course, parental wisdom has to come into play, but you need to respect them enough to listen to them.  NEVER ignore or just blow off what your children are trying to say to you.  They may be being foolish, but you have to respect Them enough to listen.  Ignoring them is not respecting them and you will pay for it in poor choices and poor behavior on their part.  Keep communication channels open!  Treat them like middle school students, not grade school age kids, or babies.

Good luck!  It's not easy, but time spent with your child at this age is crucial!