Momma Sandy Says - Things My Mother Taught Me

Momma Sandy Says

Things My Mother Taught Me

   I do want to apologize for missing a few weeks on Mondays.  Sometimes life gets in the way of writing.  I did have a blog on the vaccination issue for last week, but instead I'm going to postpone that for a few weeks while the high emotions settle down.

   Instead this week, I want to talk about messages we learn from our parents while we grow up.  So today, messages I learned from my mother while growing up:

1.  "Never just sit.  There is always something you could be doing."  To this day, I am always doing something while sitting.  I don't just sit and watch tv.  I'll be doing some hand sewing, reading, etc.  My mom, even with her dementia is still wanting to be active.

2.  "It's ok to listen to a baseball game while getting work done."  Mom used to listen to baseball games while ironing late at night.  She taught me that multi tasking is a useful skill.  And that I can enjoy myself even while doing boring chores.

3.  "Behind the scenes maneuvering may be necessary to get people to do what they should-just don't get caught doing it."  I call this mom's sneaky side.  I assume she learned how to do this to survive her bullying older sister.  I understand the use of this, but I try to avoid it.

4.  "Working hard is a good thing."  Great life lesson.

5.  "Take time to have fun."  With as hard as mom worked-all her life, learning that she valued fun as well was a good lesson that I try to continue myself.

6.  "Good friends are important."  Enough said.

7.  "Meals should be on time and good.  Don't skimp on food."  

8.  "Family is important.  Make the time."    Mom was the youngest of 7, so she had a lot of family.  We didn't see each other all that often, but mom made sure we did see them on a regular basis.  She also made sure that we visited my dad's family.

9.  "A clean, organized house is not the most important thing."  Often our house was cluttered, but not dirty.  The love was the important.

10.  "Do things together as a family."

11.  "Keep learning." Both my parents thought this was really important.  It wasn't important what one learned, it was stretching the mind that was important.

12.  "Help others - especially friends."  

13.  "Always remember where you see things in your home and work.  Someone will eventually be looking for it."  This was a great life lesson.  Memorizing where stuff way has always been useful.

14.  "You will know basic cooking skills before you move out or get married.  I didn't and paid the price."  My mom never learned how to cook until after she got married.  She insisted that I learn so that I would not go through the humiliation she had.

15.  "Suffer in silence when you can."  Mom grew up in a time when both men and women were not supposed to bring attention to their sufferings.

16.  "Keep working, even if you're sick."  Mom lived this, and caused me to live it as well.  If I'm sick in bed, I'm really sick.

17.  "Most men are babies when sick, although they will tough it out if they're injured.  Make sure they go see the doctor when they need to."  That was certainly true of my father.  The minute he was sick our universe stopped and we rushed to care for him.  My ex husband, on the other hand, once he was sick would disappear into the bedroom and want to be left alone until he felt better.

18.  "Husbands are a treasure.  Treat them well."  Generally good advice, with the exception of abusive men.

19.  "If you're smarter than your husband, try not to let him know."  This one came from her second marriage.

20.  "Disagreements with a husband should happen behind closed doors.  The rest of your family does not need to hear it."  

21.  "Parental decisions should be made jointly.  Don't let your children use the divide and conquer method on you."  Very wise words.

22.  "Be nice to your in-laws-even if they're awful."  My mom lived this.  In the end, my dad's family loved her, as did the family of her second husband, but she went through some really rough spots getting there.

23.  "Show elders respect."  I was required to obey this one. And I think it's a good idea.  Unless the elders in question are acting like idiots.

24.  "In a marriage, be a partner not a doormat."

25.  "Go to church regularly and be serious about it."

26.  "Try not to loose your temper.  Save that for when it's really needed."  It was possible to irritate my mom, but I only saw her really loose her temper twice.  I stood in awe and was grateful I wasn't involved both times.

27.  "Get along with your neighbors, but give them space."  Mom was always more friendly with neighbors than I am.  I think mostly due to how she was raised.  People were closer to neighbors then.  

28.  "Do not let your mother live with you.  In general relatives can visit, but make sure the visits are short and have defined closing dates. "  I'm pretty sure my mom was talking about her mother, who would have been horrid to have life with us.  Or any of her other children.  My uncle Ralph was quick to find her a roommate after Grandpa died.

29.  "Take in strays for the holiday-humans especially."  We always invited friends and neighbors who weren't around their own families to spend holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas, with us.  I try to continue this as well.

30.  "Always have a couple of generic presents tucked away that you can bring out as needed."  This advice has been especially useful when strays come over for Christmas.  It's a way to make sure that even unexpected visitors have some gift.

31.  "Be charitable."  This was a common trait throughout my mom's family.

32.  "Volunteer to help locally."  In our busy world today, being a volunteer is even more important.  My parents helped out the American Legion, the Kiwanis Club, the Girl Scouts, their church, and a lot of other places.

33.  "We don't talk about sex."  I've often felt sorry for my mom about the topic of sex.  As the youngest, she was often raised by her older siblings.  I find it odd that my grandmother, who was a practical nurse, did not teach her daughters about sex.  Mom's oldest sister did her best, but it was a very Victorian household regarding sex.  Mom was uncomfortable hearing about the practical part of sex and her sister was probably equally uncomfortable teaching.  But mom was due to get married soon, so "the talk" had to happen.  My aunt didn't do a very good job and my father had to handle most of my mom's sexual education.  Luckily he didn't have any of those hangups.  In the end, their marriage broke apart, not because they didn't love her, but because she was not willing to solve some physical problems that made sex painful.  And my father was not able to stay celibate. 

   My mother was only able to talk to me about sex once, and that was in explaining her sexual/medical problems.  My father ended up being the one to have "the talk" with me, and it was mutually embarrassing.  

So, these are the lessons my mother taught me up to this point.  She continues to teach me, even in the depths of her dementia.  Somehow, she is still a loving, unselfish, and caring woman.