Momma Sandy Says
Helping Your Children Choose Their Friends
There is a fine line between being an involved parent and a controlling parent. I always thought that the trick to it was to involve your children in the decision making processes. Ultimatums have always been a problem for my children. My son especially. If he understood why he had to do something, he wouldn't have a problem with it (usually). If he didn't understand, heels would be firmly dug in.
The same principles I used in helping them choose which tv programs were good to watch (and not) also apply to the process of helping your children choose their friends. Here's a few things I've learned over the years:
1. If you tell your child that he or she cannot spend time with x child, it's likely they will find a way to do so.
2. Letting your children have a say in who their friends are will help in the process of weeding out the inappropriate ones. They may spot the ones that need to go long before you do.
3.Take the time to get to know your kids friends. I don't mean become friends with them, but be around and observe them. Interact with them. You will learn which kids are mean, which kids have manners, and which kids you want your kids to have as friends.
4.Play dates for young children are a good idea. Usually it means the kids play and the parents get a chance to size each other up. A pretentious, pain-in-the-ass mother does not mean her kids is bad news, but it is a red flag. If the two kids (or their parents) don't get along, they don't have to endure another play date.
5. After school activities like scouts, sports, religious activities are a good thing. You don't have to run the events, but be involved enough so that you can keep an eye on things. Remember to listen to your kids if they are unsure about something or someone.
6. Consider letting your house be an after school hangout for your kids and a limited number of friends. This is more important once they hit junior and senior high school. The other kids parents might want to meet you, and that's a good thing as well. If your kids friends are hanging out at your place you have first access to information about them and their lives. On the down side, you probably have to feed them.
7. With your kids, work out house rules for visitors. It will be understood that some infractions are more important than others. In our house, smoking and drugs were forbidden. Bringing drugs into my house was one of the few things that would get a kid banned.
8. When there is a problem with a visiting child, deal with it appropriately at the time. Later on, discuss it with your child that brought him or her over. This should not be a scolding or punishment time. it should be more of a why did that happen and how can we avoid it again? Now if I had a child of mine who bought over a drunken friend, my child and I would have words. Now if my kid brought that drunken child over because there was no safe place for that kid to be, well... But we would talk about options.
9. Your children need to know that you will generally keep secret the things they tell you in confidence. However, some things, must go to other sources. For example, one of my children came to me, concerned about a friends behavior. Good call. The behavior was suicidal in nature and needed to be dealt with. My child was concerned about confidentiality and loosing the friendship if it became known that he/she was the snitch. We worked it out that I would privately inform the school counselor of the issue. It got dealt with and confidentiality was saved.
10. You do need to supervise kids that are over at your house. Especially if they're teens. In fact, you can be legally and financially liable for what they do.
So clearly, you need to help your children choose good friends. And to help them recognize who bad friends are and how to get rid of them. This is something they will be doing all their lives. A lot of it is about choices. Who do they choose to spend time with? Some of the choices will be out of your and their hands. School, for example, means your child will be spending large amounts of time with others. Something like being involved in band, or dance means they will be put in groups where they spend hours with others. And what if those others are just not nice kids? That's where you teach your kids the best you can and pray they make the right choices.
I want to close this with the story of Doug and Billy Brown. Doug was technically, my dad's cousin. He was 11 years older than I was. Doug lost his mother when he was quite young. Doug's dad was an alcoholic and spent the rest of his life living off of women-mostly in other states. Because of the screwy laws concerning children at the time, Doug spent part of his growing up years with his dad (usually only a few months at a time), part in foster homes, and part with my parents (whenever they could force the county to give Doug back to us).
Billy Brown was the kid who lived next door to us. That kid lived with his mom and Grandfather. The nicest thing I ever heard about the Grandfather was that he was mean. So Billy grew up in a very dysfunctional home. Since he was already severely punished by his grandfather for minor things, Billy saw no reason why he shouldn't do major things wrong. When Doug was in his early teens he came back to us again. Billy Brown saw in Doug a potential friend, co-conspirator, and a potential alibi. My parents knew that Billy was headed for trouble in a big way. He was already suspected of theft, street racing, cruelty to animals, and who knew what else. So they told Doug to stay away from Billy Brown.
Since he was a teen, Doug didn't listen to my parents and snuck out late at night several times to hang out with Billy. Doug was very fortunate that the two of them weren't caught doing anything. As it was, Billy encouraged Doug to steal from a local merchant. Doug had no talent for theft and was, of course, caught. The wrath of my 5'6" father was much scarier than the police. Eventually Doug figured out that hanging out with Billy was only going to result in problems-for Doug. So the budding friendship was ended.
When both boys were old enough they made choices that determined their futures. Doug had stayed on the straight and narrow and joined the Marine Corps. He made that his career, earning a college degree, and retiring as an officer. Billy Brown didn't change his ways. When he was old enough he was arrested as an adult and went to prison. We never heard of him ever being a free man, at least not for very long.
So help your children make good choices in their friends.
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